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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have just thrown my DH out for good after he put our baby at risk

294 replies

MrsSeanBean1 · 01/05/2014 23:13

I am so angry and upset so may be completely overreacting (although it doesn't feel like it at the moment). DH and I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old. We have really struggled with the new baby as he has milk intolerance and severe reflux. He is on a concoction of meds and I am in and out of hospital with him. Because his reflux is so bad I am terrified of him choking as he is often sick and he has to sleep in his bouncy chair until we can get it more under control. I know that sleeping in a bouncy chair can restrict breathing, which I have explained to DH, so we stay up with him in shifts.

I go to bed about 8.30/9pm once DD is in bed at 7.30 and I have settled the baby. DH then sits with him until 11.30pm as he gets 'tired' then so I then sit up with him from 11.30pm until 5.30pm. DH gets up at 5.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours before he goes to work. We have very little family help at the moment as my grandparents were both recently diagnosed with terminal cancer so my mom is worn out looking after them and I feel unable to ask her to help me anymore than she does.

I have really struggled with the new baby (have posted numerous threads) and I'm sure a lot of it is down to the fact that I am existing on very little sleep (usually 4 hours a day) and have been for almost 3 months now. I find looking after both babies so hard every day as I dash about taking my DD to her baby classes whilst trying to cope with a very very difficult baby. Most days I am in tears, wondering when this nightmare will end and I am finding it very hard to bond with the baby.

Tonight I came downstairs early as I felt really unwell and needed some tablets. I just had a feeling that DH would be asleep. Sure enough he was! I am SO angry!! I always give myself the shitty end of the stick as I know he won't be able to cope but he can't even do this simple thing to keep his own son safe. He is such a pathetic wuss. He is always tired! So much so that I made him go to the doctors and it was discovered that he has low testosterone and has just started replacement therapy. So maybe he can't help being so tired which makes me feel like such a bitch for being so mad.

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't just spent 2 nights away in London at a leisurely conference, dinner is nice hotels, 10 hours sleep both nights. Comes home tonight after I have been on my knees for 2 days and hasn't even got the stamina to stay awake for the evening. I've been awake since 1am yesterday (mom watched the baby from 9pm until 1am so I could get a few hours).

I just no longer trust him. I know he has been lying to me now everytime I asked him straight out if he ever nodded off with the baby. I had an issue with trust as when I was 6 months pregnant I discovered his massive porn habit, despite him saying throughout our marriage that he rarely looked at it.

Anyway, I have gone absolutely mad and thrown him out. I can't cope anyway so I might as well not cope on my own. I just don't know what to do next Sad and I am so so tired. I feel like just leaving everything and everyone behind and disappearing into the night.

OP posts:
nevergoogle · 02/05/2014 00:01

Can you call a friend to come and help tonight? or get a hold of DH?

RhondaJean · 02/05/2014 00:01

Can you phone him.

Or is there anyone else who can come help you.

You do need to deal with this, but for now you need to get through tonight.

306235388 · 02/05/2014 00:02

You sound so so much like I was, this is no way to live. I felt exactly the same but for different reasons, we had no fertility issues and conceived relatively easily and from 2 pregnancies I had 2 healthy babies. I reasoned that this was unfair because other people struggle / lose babies and therefore I didn't deserve them and something would happen. This was not rational.

You haven't beat nature, your babies are living, breathing products of you and your dh, little miracles. It's wht life is all about but my God it's hard work. It's ok for it to be tough and to find it tough and when you have no sleep everything is unmanageable.

Please see your GP tomorrow tell them what you've told us, they can help, really. I used to think they couldn't help me because a pill couldn't fix the fact that I was a terrible mother. I'm not a terrible mother I had a chemical imbalance in my brain and was beyond exhausted. You are not a terrible mother, you are managing the best you can but you are not super human and you do not have all the answers. People train for years to be specialists in paediatrics - I promise someone can help but you need to tell them you need it and make yourself be heard. It's so hard to fight for what you need when you're anxious and exhausted but please try or ask the GP / HV to do so on your behalf. Please be completely honest about your baby and you. Please, you all deserve a happy life, really and truly you do.

BunnyFugger · 02/05/2014 00:03

My ds1 had severe reflux, he was on Omeprazole until he was two. He also had severe laryngomalacia that required surgery. (His reflux was a symptom of the LM). We used blocks to raise the head of the cot, you can also use reflux wedges. We also had an angel care monitor but for piece of mind 'doubled up' with a respisense monitor that clipped onto his nappy, if no movement was detected it would not only alarm but also vibrate to stimulate him.
You need to sleep. YABU, but its understandable that your worried. Sleep deprivation will only increase your anxiety. Reflux is the pits, it really is but you both can't continue on with sitting up watching LO sleep. In our experience the best thing we did was raise the head of the cot, it really did help.

TheScience · 02/05/2014 00:05

Just for tonight could you put your baby in a car seat to sleep? Maybe set you alarm for 3 hours, get him out for a while, then another 3 hours? Not ideal but just as a one off it's fine and babies that age go on car journeys that long.

YellowTulips · 02/05/2014 00:09

The wedge in the link looks really good from TheScience.

I think you should order one.

Pl call your DH and get him back home. You can't stay awake all night.

PinkSquash · 02/05/2014 00:09

Can you phone him? Or try to doze off, set an alarm for certain intervals so you can relax a little. You will wake up if something happens especially if he's next to you.

princessnumber2 · 02/05/2014 00:12

We used that tucker sling wedge thing and it was life changing.

Using the car seat and setting an alarm isn't a bad idea.

MaoamMuncher · 02/05/2014 00:14

A lady I know has a dd who was very like your ds......she had an mri in the end where the found she had a cyst that was causing all her problems.

SpringItOn · 02/05/2014 00:16

Oh god you poor thing, I'll come and do a shift! See your GP before you start hallucinating through lack of sleep. Flowers

ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/05/2014 00:17

OP I think you should put your baby in his bouncy seat, set your alarm for toe hours and go to sleep. Repeat that every two hours until you need to get up for the day.

Then please follow everyone's advice about doctor appt and your DH

I feel so sorry for you OP. Anxiety is crippling and sleep deprivation will exacerbate it

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 02/05/2014 00:20

The tucker sling wedge does look good although I'm worried I wouldn't be able to use the Angelcare monitor on it. Baby sleeps in this at the moment www.amazon.co.uk/Beaba-Down-Rocker-Chair-Black/dp/B002DJB9GA

OP posts:
DebbieOfMaddox · 02/05/2014 00:22

OP, have you looked into a Respisense monitor? It clips onto the front of the nappy to monitor breathing, so you can use it whatever they are sleeping in.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 02/05/2014 00:23

That bouncy seat is good. Recline it fully and both of you get some sleep.

Breathing problems owing to bouncy chairs occur in much steeper seats that cause neck position to obstruct the windpipe. I highly doubt that fully reclined your baby will have that problem.

EeeeeeekAMouse · 02/05/2014 00:23

Oh my love, this is so hard, but you need to work with your DH, not against him. Have your tried explaining to HVs how desperate you are? You're in such a tough spot. You really need some help.

SueDNim · 02/05/2014 00:24

Bunnyfuggers other monitor might work with the wedge if your angelcare one didn't.

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 02/05/2014 00:27

I saw the HV today and cried......a lot. She sympathised and said how hard it was but didn't really offer any suggestions. She did the PND question thingy and I am fine apparently Hmm

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 02/05/2014 00:36

Mrs SB1 I feel for you, you are going through hell Sad

I was exactly the same as you with anxiety when mine were little babies, I felt like I was keeping them alive through sheer force of will and if I wasn't looking at them they would expire. People kept telling me that babies are robust, they are built to last etc, but it didn't help because my mind was screaming that SOME babies die of cot death so why wouldn't it be mine. In fact knowing my luck it probably would be.

The thing is, this is depressive thinking - classic - and the more sleep deprived you are, the worse it gets. With the greatest of respect and huge sympathy, you are not in your right mind.

Get hold of your dh as soon as you can and get him back into the home one way or the other. Even if he isn't your favourite person right now, he is the other parent and you CANNOT do this on your own, you will grind yourself down to nothing. I understand your fury despite him having a valid reason with the low testosterone. My dh has mild narcolepsy and he really can't help falling asleep. Once he fell asleep holding our baby on the bus and very nearly dropped him. I was holding ds1 and could do nothing about it. I was fucking livid and I didn't, in that moment, give a shit about his "excuse", I just wanted him to pull himself together. Which he couldn't. But we were both so overwhelmed and sleep-deprived, nothing was fair or rational and we muddled through it.

Get back to the doctor, be the squeaky wheel, get every ounce of heolp and support for your baby as possible. But please, get some sleep. Otherwise your body will shut down and you will be unable to care for your children.

Thanks
SoonToBeSix · 02/05/2014 00:41

One of my twins has reflux , my GP advised that she sleeps in her bouncer( she said her own dd did this until she was three months old) . She did not mentioned restricted breathing and I have never heard this . Please get some medical advice on the best way for your ds to sleep.

YellowTulips · 02/05/2014 00:41

I'm not surprised you cried.

I think you should buy the wedge and a new monitor of needed.

You can't put a price on getting some sleep. Not wishing to sound like lady bountiful, but if the cost is an issue then I'd happily help out on that front in the absence of not being able to help you practically in any other way.

Any luck getting hold of DH?

AwfulMaureen · 02/05/2014 00:47

OP can you afford to buy that wedge and the monitor someone mentioned that tucks in the nappy? This seems to be a priority for you right now...xxxx Look how kind Yellow is...I bet if cost is an issue, others would chip in.

Original poster
MrsSeanBean1 · 02/05/2014 00:54

Thank you so much for all your kindness. I couldn't accept any financial help but appreciate the offers so much.

Hopefully I can afford to buy the wedge in a few weeks. We have been wiped out this month as we had to buy quite a lot of tins of Neocate (at £30 a tub!) before our baby was finally prescribed it. He needed it urgently as he was so poorly on normal milk but we had to wait to see the Paed to prescribe it. I will look into the Rapidsense monitor now.

OP posts:
HavannaSlife · 02/05/2014 00:56

The wedge and a clip on monitor sound good, although that chair looks more reclined than the wedge. Like someone else said bouncy chairs that are sat up right are the ones that pose a risk

AwfulMaureen · 02/05/2014 00:57

You could pay back MrsSean? If I could, I'd buy them for you and let you repay later.

AwfulMaureen · 02/05/2014 01:04

Hey look OP...another Mnr is giving away 10 tins of Neocate...unopened. here on this thread

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