Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

268 replies

brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 20:17

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. Angry Angry I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 30/04/2014 20:24

I've never understood why men do this. My DH does it too. I think it's really disrespectful and does in no way make me want to have sex with him. I have no pearls of wisdom I'm afraid, just offering sympathy.

abitofanangrybird · 30/04/2014 20:25

I think I would have felt just like you - I've had to have a word with DH about comments like that before too. We do have a laugh and joke about a lot but there's a time and a place for comments like that and I'd have reacted in the same way if I'd been telling him I felt poorly. And as for the groping Blush
I think all you can do is reiterate that you do love and fancy him, but don't want to be groped and leered at. He's a grown man, he should be able to take it on board and get over it IMO. Not sure you need do anything else.

Forgettable · 30/04/2014 20:27

No yanbu at all

ugh at the groping and I bet he leers too

if he feels bad, well tough

FruitbatAuntie · 30/04/2014 20:28

Actually, YANBU AT ALL to tell your DH how his behaviour makes you feel. He is reacting in this way (whether consciously or not) in order to convince you not to mention this again. His BS about you treating him like a sex offender is designed to make you back off rapidly. It is a very common technique that I have seen on here many times (and experienced with my exp).

Do not back down. I am not saying be confrontational, just quietly stand your ground. He is testing you (really... now maybe he isn't aware of this, but he is!)

wheresthelight · 30/04/2014 20:28

My exh used to do this a lot. It is the reason he is my exh

Billygoats · 30/04/2014 20:28

I could of written this post too OP! Again no words of wisdom I'm afraid. I don't think you should have kept it quiet though, he needed to know you were unc

bumbumsmummy · 30/04/2014 20:29

ooh bless you why dont you show him what you do like then he will know in future win win

FindoGask · 30/04/2014 20:30

I think you were right to tell him how you feel, and my initial response was that he's overreacting, but then I don't know exactly what you said to him. But of course you shouldn't have to put up with him having a grope whenever he feels like it. Perhaps he just feels guilty and ashamed that he's been acting like this for 18 years and you've been hating it all that time! You should have told him before, really.

Billygoats · 30/04/2014 20:30

Stupid phone . . . Uncomfortable with what he was doing. I told my dh and he just stopped, he doesn't seem too offended (at least I hope not).

RandomMess · 30/04/2014 20:31

Try telling him what you do like, what does get you in the mood - such as a loving hug/cuddle and affectionate kisses?

BarbarianMum · 30/04/2014 20:31

YANBU If he's genuinely unsure then suggest to him ways he can initiate intimacy. For example, maybe he could start w a hug or a kiss before he lunges for your boobs.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/04/2014 20:31

he was being really awful though, grabbing at you after your said you were feeling ill. I don't think you should feel guilty. He is a grown man, how does he think that is a good time OR a good way to initiate sex?

Cornettoninja · 30/04/2014 20:32

You are definitely not being unreasonable. It's your body and you should be able to dictate how and when it's touched.

I think your dp's prides taken a bruising. I can see how being told something you've been doing for years isn't the easiest pill to swallow. Leave him to lick his wounds and mull over it for a couple of days then raise it again and point out there's no need to start over reacting and just listen to the boundaries you have set.

If he's still been a div it's time to start considering what he's trying to achieve by not listening to you and trying to make you feel bad about it.

sherazade · 30/04/2014 20:33

so in the peak of a throat infection, he is sulking and you are apologising to him ? He thinks its alright to make you uncomfortable and grope you when you're sick? he should be apologising to you! Hmm

googoodolly · 30/04/2014 20:34

I'm not surprised he feels upset! He's been doing it for 18+ years and you've never told him you hate it, so why would he think to stop? He's just doing what he's always done.

But, YANBU to not like it and YANBU to tell him so, but did you really expect him to say "Oh, okay" and just accept it? Because it's not as if it's something he's just started doing, it's what he's done to get your attention/initiate sex for your whole marriage!

I would be pretty upset and confused if DP did this to me. Just give him some time and talk to him when you're both less emotional.

justmuddlingalong · 30/04/2014 20:34

He did grope you, why minimise it to make him feel better. You pointed out something he does that upsets you. Tell him to build a bridge and get over it.

CrystalSkulls · 30/04/2014 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itsfab · 30/04/2014 20:35

It is never a "daft idea" to speak your mind!!

pictish · 30/04/2014 20:35

I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope"

Why? That is, after all, what he does isn't it? Gropes you.

Kerryp · 30/04/2014 20:36

I don't think your being unreasonable, especially if you were ill. The way he's behaving now seems like a ploy to make you feel ashamed of yourself but you shouldn't feel like that at all.

balia · 30/04/2014 20:37

DH and I are both bum patters; we seem to be always busy and it serves as a kind of quick connection/reassurance as we dash past each other. So I don't see it as groping and quite like it. Can see why other people might not like it, that's fine - but if he's been doing it for 18 years and you've never before mentioned how much you don't like it, then I think in fairness it is understandable he is upset!

But better late than never; he'll probably feel a bit foolish and rejected for a bit but he'll get over it.

LisaMed · 30/04/2014 20:38

He's making sure you won't object to being groped in future

Fizzybangfanny · 30/04/2014 20:39

Don't feel bad . Let him sulk. You don't like it, he should t do it.

When I first met dp, while we were having sex just as I was about to orgasm he twisted/pinched both my nipples at the same time. I nearly head butted him.

He was told he was never to do that again . He apologised.

Original poster
brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 20:40

I don't think it's ever successfully led to sex Dolly, and I've never led him to believe I like it - just haven't been quite as blunt as this before. Good to know that he's not the only one who does this. Perhaps it's a guy thing to think sticking a hand in your pants is enough to get you going!

OP posts:
TheMD · 30/04/2014 20:40

Agreed with above - your DH should be apologising to you, not the other way round! I'm sorry you're in this situation - as someone who is sensitive to unexpected/unwanted bodily contact, I don't find it funny and couldn't be with someone who did this to me on a regular basis.

Swipe left for the next trending thread