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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

268 replies

brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 20:17

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. Angry Angry I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:39

OP, have you stopped blaming yourself for upsetting him yet ?

AskBasil · 30/04/2014 22:39

Honestly some women expect so very little of men.

I honestly feel sorry for some of you, living with men who have such terrible contempt for you.

Fuck me it must be exhausting building up that cognitive dissonance day after day after day, so that you don't have to recognise the contempt.

brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 22:40

Yes. Am definitely feeling a lot less apologetic!

OP posts:
gertiegusset · 30/04/2014 22:40

He's not scared to touch you he's punishing you and his behaviour is like that of a sex offender.
So now he's sulking because you've made him feel bad, well too bad.

I would hate being grabbed and groped by DP if I wasn't expecting it or didn't feel well, how awful that he carries on when you have told him you're feeling under the weather.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:40

Good Smile

AskBasil · 30/04/2014 22:42

At least he actually feels bad about feeling like a sex offender.

Now let's see if he can progress to feeling bad about acting like a fucking sex offender.

BillyBanter · 30/04/2014 22:44

OP why is it more important that he is upset by your objection to being touched like that than you being upset at him touching you like that?

Is he not at all bothered that you were upset?

Have you given him suggestions about how he might better approach you?

featherlight kiss to the back of the neck works for me. Buckles my knees if I'm not expecting it.

whois · 30/04/2014 22:45

Would he like it if you randomly grabbed his dick and have it a squeeze every now and again?

I don't think you should be apologising to him. You tried to give him hints before it maybe it would have been better to have had this discussion years ago, in a calmer way!

whois · 30/04/2014 22:46

featherlight kiss to the back of the neck works for me. Buckles my knees if I'm not expecting it.

Oh god, yes!

brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 22:49

Sadly he probably would like it Whois! or thinks he would, not that I've ever tried
[gri[g

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 30/04/2014 22:50

I doubt there is any man/person out there who can give us what we want, how we want it 100% of the time....

I think not wanting to be groped all the time is a pretty basic requirement.

Inertia · 30/04/2014 22:52

He's not scared to touch you he's punishing you and his behaviour is like that of a sex offender.
So now he's sulking because you've made him feel bad, well too bad.

This ^^ is the bottom line.

As you've said you usually move his hand away when he gropes you because you don't like it, presumably it doesn't usually lead to sex?

He knows he's in the wrong, he knows that actually the word grope is precisely the right word for what he's doing, but it's easier to make you feel bad than to apologise for repeatedly imposing unwanted sexual contact on you.

GatoradeMeBitch · 01/05/2014 00:09

Grabbing your nipples when he knows you're unwell is incredibly disrespectful. He SHOULD be feeling like a sex offender. Take your apology back. If he doesn't want to feel like a sex offender he should stop acting like one.

AveryJessup · 01/05/2014 01:53

Your DH sounds like a rude pig to be honest. You shouldn't feel bad about snapping at him when you were sick and he tried to grab you like that. What did he think he was going to achieve? Was he showing empathy in his actions? Did he think he was going to initiate sex - when you had just told him you were sick?

It's one thing if he was grabbing you regularly and getting some mixed message about it being pleasant for you (not sure how on earth that could happen as no-one likes being grabbed and groped out of the blue, no-one I know anyway). But to grab you like that when you've told him you're shivery and feeling sick from a throat infection is just ignorant behavior.

He behaved like a pig so he should be apologizing to you, not you to him for having used some word that offended him. Have a straight talk with him and tell him that you're fed up of being manhandled and would appreciate some more respect and empathy from him. If he doesn't get the message then you will just have to keep being assertive until it gets through to him.

Morloth · 01/05/2014 01:57

He could of course solve this problem by apologizing and not groping you?

DH and I are very touchy/feely with each other, but we don't grope at each other (well unless the touchy/feeliness progresses obviously).

I always get that skin creeping feeling when threads like this come up. It is just a bit yuck isn't it?

PrincessBabyCat · 01/05/2014 02:03

My hubby grabbed my butt in a store in front of everyone sometime near the beginning of our relationship. I just about killed him, and he's always been a gentleman with me in public ever since. He told me a little later he liked that I established boundaries with him, and he still mentions the incident from time to time. So he knows, and it stuck. Wink

Behind closed doors however, we both grab each other's butts. We're both ok with it, we've talked about what we like what we don't, how we like sex, how we don't. We're pretty direct and open with what we want, and probably over sharers. I think we've had to be because we're both terrible mind readers and have different communication styles. But the important thing is that we're both always on the same page, even when it upsets the other.

It's never too late to start communicating with each other. Let him know how you want to be treated when you're sick, how he should be showing affection. Some people need "scripts" like "When I'm sick, I want you to leave me alone to sleep (or whatever you need when you're sick)".

mimishimmi · 01/05/2014 02:37

I had this exact same argument and DH reacted the exact same way ("make me feel like a pervert" etc) about a year ago OP Grin. He'll get over it. I told him that I much prefer hugs and caresses to groping.

GarlicMaybeNot · 01/05/2014 03:08

I have read all the posts but am still reeling at I was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" What. The actual. Fuck.

The only way I can possibly interpret this is that you are nothing but a set of sexual parts to him. I know that's a horrible thing to say to a reasonably happily married woman about her husband, but ... fuck Angry

I've been married to two absolute bastards and had relationships with some less than choice types, but not one has ever behaved like this. No, I tell a lie, a new boyfriend once stuck his hand down my pants in what I suppose was meant to be sexual overture. I yanked it out, feeling very much assaulted, and screamed 'what are you doing?!' Then left while he was still apologising.

Given that you seem fairly happy with other aspects of your marriage, I recommend a very clear talking-to, using the points well made by excellent posters on your thread. Don't back down or try to save his sorry ego, for heaven's sake. Good luck, and I hope your bug clears up soon.

LibraryMum8 · 01/05/2014 03:29

YANBU. Dh does thus too and I think it is because his father does or did to MIL. I do say something and usually it's not met with well but ffs I don't care. If I say I feel it's disrespectful he will get huffy. Tough.

Deathraystare · 01/05/2014 08:32

Well you know what to do when he has a headache - whack him enthusiastically on the head "Oh dear, poor baby".

kentishgirl · 01/05/2014 08:41

I've known men like this too.

I think many men would actually love it to be randomly groped/straightforwardly propositioned by their other half.

I have a theory. Men will want sex when they are feeling fed up/sad/depressed/hurt/unwell/stressed etc as a way of cheering themselves up and feeling better. Sex improves their mood.
Women want sex when they are already feeling great/relaxed/happy. If we are not, sex is the last thing we want.

So men think that a way to cheer us up is to offer sex. But they are getting it all wrong.

diddl · 01/05/2014 08:55

He gropes, you told him you don't like it & now he daren't touch you?

And you fell for that guilt trip shit & felt you should apologise?

Bloody hell!!

AskBasil · 01/05/2014 08:57

"So men think that a way to cheer us up is to offer sex. But they are getting it all wrong."

I don't understand why so many women think men are incapable of reading extremely clear signals, understanding that women are human beings and empathising. It's like you think men have some kind of condition which stops them being able to function like adults in relationships with women. A condition which doesn't extend to their relationships with other men, or with women they don't feel entitled to treat disrespectfully without suffering adverse consequences.

These same men are perfectly capable of understanding what people want in a workplace or social context: they know when they can joke around with the boss and when that's not appropriate, they know how far they can push banter with their colleagues before it becomes unprofessional or harassment, in short they know how to behave, most men are perfectly adequately socialised to know what's acceptable and what's not.

It's only in their intimate relationships with women, that they choose to ignore that socialisation and women make excuses for them by saying that they don't understand, they are from Mars while we are from Venus, they can't read signals etc. Like women, men are perfectly capable of picking up verbal and non-verbal cues and atmosphere's etc., when they want to - they just choose not to because they have no respect for the women they live with.

I know that's an uncomfortable thing to acknowledge so it's easier to patronise and insult men by pretending that they are idiots who can't help it, but the sooner women recognise that men are thinking, feeling human beings just like we are, some of whom choose to pretend they aren't so they can get away with disrespectful, shitty behaviour year after year, the sooner the next generation of women can recognise this shit for what it is and not put up with it.

SixImpossible · 01/05/2014 09:02

No, not all men are capable of reading non-verbal signals.

Dh and I have been together for 19y, and it was only this year that I discovered that he is almost completely unable to read facial expressions. We were doing some online tests and he scored something like 12% in facial expression interpretation, which puts him in the bottom 2% of the population, and bott

SixImpossible · 01/05/2014 09:06

tom 10-15% of males.

Suddenly I understood a lot more about why I sometimes feel hurt by his apparent lack of empathy. I need to verbalise my emotions. He's not a dick, he cares for me, he just doesn't know I'm bothered.

Some men are crap at non-verbal communication. Doesn't mean they don't care.

A good relationship requires good communication. Don't damn the man because there has been a failure in communication! This is an opportunity to improve communication.