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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

268 replies

brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 20:17

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. Angry Angry I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

OP posts:
JapaneseMargaret · 02/05/2014 10:22

Thanks to Waltermitty and Basil for some rather enlightening posts on this thread.

Luckily, I'm married to a man who doesn't restrict his social nous to the workplace and other friends, but it's been extremely interesting to see certain argument utterly debunked on this thread.

CinnabarRed · 02/05/2014 10:25

Yes, all true.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/05/2014 10:26

...the train. It might be habitual but if so it should be a habit he wants to break as he is touching you when you don't want him to. So you moving should result in a "sorry, I was doing it again, wasn't I?" and should be helping him break the habit.

And to those saying "you've allowed it for 18 years" well (a) it's obvious OP made her "non-enjoyment" clear but (b) body responses change over time, I am much more likely to be deep in logistical planning in my head than before we had kids and so am likely to find an unheralded sexual touch intrusive. A "Cuddle?" or similar tends to work better.

WandaDoff · 02/05/2014 12:10

I 'discussed' this thread & it's contents with DP last night.

He's often guilty of unexpected groping & gets told to stop it every time.
I realised that whilst I push him away every time & say "stop it", I had never actually come out & said out loud that I hated it & it made me feel invaded & defensive.

So I told him. I stated how being touched like that made me feel & that I didn't realise how common it was & I would like him not to reach over & tweak my nipples or stick his hand down my pants whenever he gets the urge. I also asked him to read this thread, because I wanted him to see that it wasn't just me that feels this way.

He claimed that he didn't know that I didn't like it Hmm
Even though my body language screams that I hate it, he hadn't noticed.

So then he read the thread for a bit.

I asked him what he thought.

The first point he made was that the OP's DH gets sex once or twice a week & thinks he's not getting any, & then made the point that its twice more than my poor old DP Angry

I give up. Sad

Lancelottie · 02/05/2014 12:19

Has he made any kind of connection between 'my DP is pissed off at my loutish behaviour' and 'My DP doesn't seem to want to shag me', Wanda?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 02/05/2014 12:50

Wanda, ask him to read the thread again - this time paying particular attention to the fact that when women are subjected to unwanted groping like this, it is a turn off. And as such, they are unlikely to actually want sex.

TillyTellTale · 02/05/2014 13:00

Make your DP's read this. It's a man saying it, so maybe they'll listen. www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-men-do-to-ruin-their-own-sex-lives/

WandaDoff · 02/05/2014 13:18

I spelt it out in words of one syllable, I could not have been more clear believe me.

He'd just rather feel sorry for himself than listen to me try to explain why he doesn't get regular sex.

Waltermittythesequel · 02/05/2014 13:19

Well he sounds like an utter twat!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/05/2014 13:59

Right, so he now does know even if he didn't before (hmm) - is he going to stop?

If he said to you "you know when you rub my feet? I actually don't like it, can you stop?" You would, um, stop, right?

Does he get that??

WandaDoff · 02/05/2014 14:10

No, he says he won't do it, & he generally does what he says.
He's not very happy about it though, I don't think.

I'm not sure I give much of a fuck about that any more though, so bollocks to him.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/05/2014 14:30

He's not very happy about the fact that he is no longer making his wife unhappy?

Waltermittythesequel · 02/05/2014 14:30

He's not very happy about it though, I don't think

He's not very happy about stopping sexual contact that you're explicitly said you're not happy with?

Wow.

AskBasil · 02/05/2014 15:49

Why is he not happy about it?
Does he actually want to carry on making you unhappy?

Littleturkish · 02/05/2014 18:41

This has made me realise how much I love the fact my DH doesn't do this. I'm going to tell him so tonight.

We have sex a lot- more initiated by me than him. I definitely find him sexier because he doesn't grope me.

harriet247 · 02/05/2014 18:51

I haaate this!!
Dp does it. Its has gotten less and less after me smacking his hands away and telling him I hate it and I feel like a lump of meat when hes like that.
He slips up occasionally and sticks his hand down my bra/trousers and immediately gets a smack/pinch.
He's a wonderful guy but it is by far one thing I would change about him.

hamptoncourt · 02/05/2014 21:04

Oh how horrible! I can't believe you married a man that does this OP. What were you thinking?

Well now it has come to a head you have your opportunity to tell him you find it repugnant and that it has to stop. The fact you actually have to explain something so fucking obvious is appalling but at least then if he still insists on groping you, you will know exactly where you stand.

parentalunit · 02/05/2014 22:51

Focus so far seems to be on what you don't like, and what he is no longer permitted to do. You might be coming across as negative.

Suggestions: docus on what you DO like, and make a move on your husband, massage his feet or whatever it is that he likes, to show him that you do still desire him. Otherwise he will assume you don't.

parentalunit · 02/05/2014 22:51

*focus.

MistressDeeCee · 02/05/2014 23:01

parentalunit I raised my eyebrows at your comment thinking no way. But if talking about the actuality of real life - what you are suggesting is part way towards solving this issue. Im re-iterating real life as its all very well whats being said on board, but its unlikely berating DH about this will get OP anywhere, no matter what is said. Someone will listen if they want to & if they don't, then they wont. & it comes down to the man she is living with day in day out...using certain words will likely make it even worse. Fine if you plan to leave the man, not fine if you don't.

FWIW I think the OP is entirely right & the DH is just bloody sulking. A real turn-on...Not.

There does need to be peace and resolution though so as galling as it may be OP perhaps you need to make a move halfway forward on this, albeit so does he. Further than you do, in fact...but we know how real life is really and you know your DH best as to what 'stance' may work with him. Tough words aren't always the way

WhistleTopTomato · 02/05/2014 23:07

Suggestions: docus on what you DO like, and make a move on your husband, massage his feet or whatever it is that he likes, to show him that you do still desire him. Otherwise he will assume you don't

Husband been sexually assaulting you for years on end? Why not try massaging his feet?

You make Roy Chubby Brown look like Andrea Dworkin.

Waltermittythesequel · 02/05/2014 23:10

Suggestions: docus on what you DO like, and make a move on your husband, massage his feet or whatever it is that he likes, to show him that you do still desire him. Otherwise he will assume you don't

And we can't have someone who is punishing his wife because she's refusing to be used for his constant sexual gratification feel unwanted, can we?

GarlicMaybeNot · 03/05/2014 00:24

That was a top article, Tilly! Most amusing, and not wrong.

OMG at this: "It's gotten so bad with Internet porn that recent studies are showing that men in their 20s consider erectile dysfunction completely normal for their age group."

Shock
parentalunit · 03/05/2014 06:23

Whistle and Walter. You're entitled to your opinion, but you seem to think the relationship is over. It's not really my call, or yours. My suggestions were based on the OP wanting to continue with her marriage and asking for constructive advice.

Mistress absolutely spot on, it's counter intuitive but someone has to bridge this gap otherwise in my opinion the relationship could disintegrate. If that's what OP wants, then fair enough, but it doesn't sound like it from her previous posts.

Sorry for stirring, that was not my intention.

SixImpossible · 03/05/2014 07:38

You're not stirring, ParentalUnit, I entirely agree with you about finding a way to move forward out of this unhappy situation, but it would seem that anyone on this thread who thinks that there is something positive that the OP could do is a victim-blaming misogyny-apologist.