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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

268 replies

brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 20:17

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. Angry Angry I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 30/04/2014 21:21

Hang on:

You have never led him to believe that this was something you enjoyed and why on earth would you?

You told him to stop. It is never wrong to tell someone to stop touching you.

He doesn't know how to touch you or initiate sex without doing something you expressly dislike???

And now you want to apologise to him for not allowing him to grope you?

And what's this problem with the word grope? You wouldn't have used it if he hadn't done it.

Tell him to cop the fuck on to himself. HE should be apologising for treating you as a sex toy.

ThisIsLID · 30/04/2014 21:25

Well a shame that he is finding himself like a sex offender because ... if he had done that to any other woman, he would have been seen as a sex offender.
It's not because you are his wife that suddenly he isn't behaving like one.

I think the problem here is that a swat on the hand just showed that you didn't like it but that didn't stop him for 18 years

By actually describing things as they are and using the real words such as 'groping' then it made everything real and put his actions into perspective. It clearly says it IS unacceptable. So of course he is unhappy. He tries to protect himself by playing the victim and how bad does he feels now so much so that he doesn't even know how to approach you any more even though in the last 18 years, I am sure he has used other ways to signal he is happy to have sex. He even manages to make you feel guilty about it and to shift the blame onto you.
I think his tactics to not take responsibility is working a charm don't you?

waterlego6064 · 30/04/2014 21:36

Yuck, how revolting :(

I'm not a prude; I like sex as much as the next person, but I wouldn't find it acceptable to be randomly groped by my husband. Luckily, my husband is sensitive enough to be able to ascertain when I am in the mood, and therefore whether sexual touching would be welcome at any given time. Men are not animals, they can control their sexual urges, just as women can.

YANBU OP. He is sulking. Agree with those who suggest you tell him to get over it.

CrystalSkulls · 30/04/2014 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 30/04/2014 21:48

I doubt you grabbing his crotch in the same manner would be fun - he wouldn't like that I bet - he is out of order

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 30/04/2014 21:49

maddening my DH announced he would "love it" if I randomly grabbed his balls at inappropriate times. I assured him he wouldn't and I have never had the lack of self respect to ever try it

matildasquared · 30/04/2014 21:55

HA! Try it. Next time he's really poorly or telling you about a terrible day, grab his balls. See what happens.

matildasquared · 30/04/2014 21:56

KIDDING. Don't assault your husband.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 30/04/2014 21:57

He's actually got D&V at the moment, it would be monumentally cruel and so satisfying to prove I'm right in equal measure Grin "what that doesn't turn you on whilst you're being sick?! Why ever not? FRIGID!!"

Smartiepants79 · 30/04/2014 22:02

My husband does this a bit.
I find it monumentally irritating.
He even used to randomly grab my crotch when we first got together. I made it clear i didn't want to be groped! He was a bit miffed but hasn't done it since.

deakymom · 30/04/2014 22:09

my husband does this he also kisses me when im trying to say something it makes me feel unvalued in a way like he isnt interested in what i have to say or trying to do his most annoying recent habit is bruise poking im quite clumsy so i get bruises he asks where i get them then pokes it and asks if it hurts Sad

Mrsdoasyouwouldbedoneby · 30/04/2014 22:10

Actually. Men do like to be groped it seems. I tried explaining the 'very like the above' is not at all a come on, and would he like it if I randomly groped him, and he said "yes". No answer to that. We have had several discussions about it, and quite frankly his libido is higher than mine, so we have had a lot of talking about mutual respect. The key here is we do talk about it (and boy has he sulked... But not recently). He does value me, but for him, it would be sexy if I did those things to him. He struggles to grasp it isn't and is mildly annoying (saying the least). But to function as a couple we need to recognise our own needs (pos and neg), and how they relate to the other's needs (again pos and neg). My DH was not being deliberately abusive. But he is human and can be a sulky git at times (like I said, being open about his has made it better), just as I can rant in an unreasonable way particularly when fuel by hormones. Just human. Just unreasonable sometimes. I expect your dh is licking his wounds, cos he probably does feel rather hurt. Cos in his world he thought he was ok doing what he does, and he isn't, and how many of us like to accept that we are truly unreasonable...

I mean. There is not a forum with that title for no good reason... Perhaps it should be 'I'm not unreasonable am I? (Moment of self doubt forum).

Op is not unreasonable. I am so with her on this one. But neither do I see her dh as some kind of fiend or 'ought to be ex', I doubt there is any man/person out there who can give us what we want, how we want it 100% of the time.... And that, in my case, would probably include a clone of myself.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:17

it's a mistake to ask these men if they would like to be groped

of course they are going to say yes

the most appropriate query is "how would you like to punched in the face repeatedly, despite you asking me to stop"

bellybuttonfairy · 30/04/2014 22:18

My dh does this. He is incredibly caring but on occasion he just cant seem to leave me alone! I always return the groping especially if he is busy and concentrating on something else. He always says - 'oh no, thats so annoying! I would divorce me if I were you!!'

Writing it down now - I m trying to think when he last did it - its been ages.

Men do think differently to women sexually. Maybe, you need to show him how annoying you find it?

Glitterfeet · 30/04/2014 22:19

Deakymom
Why the fuck would he do something like that?

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:21

I think some of the men described here actually hate their partners, not love them at all

waterlego6064 · 30/04/2014 22:27

I doubt there is any man/person out there who can give us what we want, how we want it 100% of the time

I agree MrsDo, but there are foibles, and then there's unwelcome sexual touching.

Certain traits of my DH's get on my wick. But being groped would massively overstep a line for me.

matildasquared · 30/04/2014 22:28

It's not "libido" or "male sexuality," it's entitlement.

waterlego6064 · 30/04/2014 22:29

I fear the same AF

If women were saying they liked it and welcomed it; then fair enough. But
I don't think any poster has yet. I'm genuinely shocked at how many women are being touched up by their partners when they don't want to be.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2014 22:31

not putting the toilet seat down versus unwanted sexual groping

hmm....

Original poster
brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 22:34

It'sfab - it does about me, hence what I said to him and subsequent Barney but I think it's a bit much to liken it to him hitting me. I haven't changed my opinion 4 or 5 posts in like you suggest, I said in my 1st post that he's otherwise great. It is annoying but I don't think he's a monster and don't plan to LTB and it sounds like there are quite a few other DPs with a similarly inept approach. Thanks for all the re-education suggestions.

OP posts:
crispyporkbelly · 30/04/2014 22:35

Some of the men described here sound ghastly!

Original poster
brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 22:35

sorry, about not about

OP posts:
Original poster
brotherhoodofspam · 30/04/2014 22:36

bloody phone. annoy not about

OP posts:
AskBasil · 30/04/2014 22:37

"The fact that you've never lead him to believe that you like it, does not mean that you have - until now - clearly expressed to him that you dislike it. Some people need things spelled out very clearly."

Because the onus is on women, to make clear to men that they want to be treated like human beings and not like wank socks.

The onus is not on men to realise that the women they live with are not wank socks, but human beings just like them. How on earth are they supposed to know that? After all, these women are walking around with breasts and a vagina, so how are men supposed to distinguish them from a wank-sock?

Honestly people, what do you think men are, some sort of developed species or something? People who are capable of thinking, empathy, caring, loving? You man-haters you, thinking that about men.

Hmm

He sounds absolutely disgusting.

If someone groped me while I was loading the dishwasher he'd be lucky not to get a fucking plate smashed over his head. Self defence, people.

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