To have really upset DH and now he's scared to touch me.

[brotherhoodofspam]

Have NC for this as DH knows my username. Am looking for a bit of perspective. DH has tendency to grab a boob/my bum when I'm not expecting and I've always found it pretty annoying but have tended to swat him away but never really said how unappealing and unsexy I find it. Came to a head at weekend. I was coming down with throat infection and was telling him I was feeling shivery and unwell and he said - "is that why your nipples are big?" and proceeded to grab them. I told him I didn't appreciate being groped particularly when feeling unwell. He got really upset and there followed long "discussion"about this and other aspects of our sex life, or lack of it as he sees it (once or twice a week usually - sometimes more sometimes less). Anyway he's been really quiet since then and this morning I found out he's still really upset. Says I made him feel like a sex offender and doesn't know how to touch me / initiate sex now. I think I've really knocked his confidence. I apologised for using the very loaded word "grope" and explained that it was just the last straw when I was trying to tell him I was unwell, but I don't really know how to make things right with him. He's a great DH and we love each other++ and maybe I was stupid to try after 18 years of marriage to be honest about something that really is a bit of a turn off. So WIBU to tell him what I thought? Do other people object to this kind of thing? Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea? And any suggestions for how I make this right with him?

I'm not sure why you apologising for using the word grope, its what he has been doing, isn't? You've had a lifetime together of him pretty much ignoring what you've been saying - I'm afraid he SHOULD feel bad.

If he's any sort of a decent man he will get over it. If he's a juvenile delinquent he will sulk forever. Which is he?

Tell him to touch YOU, not your sexual parts. Touching sexual parts isn't a turn on, it's something that is done ONCE YOU ARE TURNED ON.

How a guy can get to his 20s without getting this is sad. How he could have ignored what you have told him for 18 years is incredibly awful.

I'm not surprised he feels upset! He's been doing it for 18+ years and you've never told him you hate it, so why would he think to stop? He's just doing what he's always done

OP said that she has always swatted his hand away. So she DID tell him she didn't like it. He CHOSE to ignore her because he likes grabbing her breasts.

Perhaps it's a guy thing to think sticking a hand in your pants is enough to get you going!

Not a guy thing. Just an arsehole thing.

Mine does this - I don't mind my bum being patted or stroked unless he gooses me when I'm bending over but hate his grabbing my boobs. Since having DS16 my nipples have felt unpleasant when touched, not at all sexy shame as they used to make me cum

eh ?

Why would you now go arse licking back to him for telling him the truth about something that has bothered you for some time ? The word "grope" is a descriptive term that fully describes his behaviour.

Hang onto your dignity and tell him to grow the fuck up. Your body is not his personal wank sock.

He sounds grim, apologising is the last thing you should be doing...

I suspect you're right Lollerskates but DH really isn't an arsehole in any other way - more misguided I think!

The fact that you've never lead him to believe that you like it, does not mean that you have - until now - clearly expressed to him that you dislike it. Some people need things spelled out very clearly.

You're both hurt by each other's behaviour. Personally, I think you both owe each other an apology. You to him for snapping at him and for not having communicated clearly with him; him to you for grabbing you inappropriately (ie while you feel ill).

You need to discuss this together, recognising each other's feelings, and negotiate a different way of expressing interest/closeness/affection that pleases both of you.

"misguided" ?

Who told you that ? Him ? Some manpleasing mate of yours ?

Wake up, lady

Sex a couple of times a week after 18 years and he thinks you don't have much of a sex life? Blimey.

And the groping is horrible. The phrase "I've never wanted you more" accompanied by a withering look may serve you well in future.

Some people need things spelled out very clearly

Do you genuinely believe that OP's DH is completely unaware of the entire concept of body language? Because I don't. If I touch someone and they hit my hand away I would think "That means something. What does it mean? Perhaps it means they do not want my hand where I put it." Then - worst case scenario - I'd test that hypothesis by doing it one more time.
If this guy's been testing the hypothesis every day for the past 18 years, something is amiss.

Nobody Anyfucker - I am capable of forming my own opinions

Think logically. If your partner told you you were doing something that upset him or annoyed him, how would you react? I know I would be apologetic, and would change my behaviour.

He is trying to stop you challenging him in the future.

You don't need to make this right, he does, let him think long and hard about how he has been dis-respecting you.

Ask him if he would like to hear that one of his daughters has had to put up with the same shit off a boyfriend, how would that make him feel?

He can sulk and hang his head all he wants, he has been a dick to just grab you like that, you told him you were ill and his answer is to grope you, do not look for ways to massage him better, he needs to apologize to you.

Poor delicate flower. How was he to know that when you are telling someone that you feel really poorly, the best response is not to grab your nipples?

That's not served you too well for last 18 years < shrug >

'Look, Buster. No Unwanted Sexual Contact. Got it?'

The stories of women having their breasts/nipples/bums groped day after day in their own homes make my SKIN CRAWL. It's not about being sexy, it's about entitlement.

Like do I just randomly grab my husband's balls when he's telling me about his day or trying to get on with something? And if I did and he got annoyed, would I just explain to him that, no, I'm going to keep doing it?

I think we've all misjudged a moment with a partner/lover but this is entirely different. It is technically sexual assault.

And now he's trying to lay a guilt trip? REALLY?

"Have I been spending to much time on MN and getting daft ideas that speaking your mind is a good idea?"

No, you have been spending time on MN and getting the idea that what you want, matters. And it does.

YANBU he is being sensitive.

My DH would come up to me when I would be doing something un-sexual like loading the dishwasher and grab my arse and say "wanna have sex?" Not really a good time! This would happen often, we do have sex but never when he did something like that.

It came to a head a few weeks ago when he grumbled that he "comes on to me all the time and I'm never in the mood". I explained how random acts of randiness on HIS terms were not a turn on for me and I'd like a bit more romance please. Saying "wanna shag" when I'm about to make dinner does not instantly have me half way to an orgasm and is quite frankly fucking selfish.

He doesn't quite get it 100% but the random "come ons" have stopped and he has listened to me. I think he thinks I'm being frigid.

Anyway my point is make your OH see from your point of view that doing that is not a turn on, why would it be?! We're not like blokes who would shag a cucumber at the drop of a hat, us women are a different beast and we need to be romanced a little!

I have an ex who would do this and it still gives me the rage to think of it.

No good advice really, but I think you did the right thing in telling him- imagine leaving it to build up- no one would be happy then.

Yanbu.

I married DH, I married him to spend the rest of our lives together. I didn't marry him to become a sex toy.

If after 18 years of you swatting his hand away every time he mauls you (ask him if he prefers 'maul' instead of grope), he hadn't got the message, then yes he needed telling, as he clearly lacks even very basic intelligence and awareness.

This is like many thread we have had where the OP has posted in a distraught state that her partner has hit her and then 4 or 5 posts in she is all he is such a good man really, I must have pissed him off,

OP it either annoys you or it doesn't.

Groping isn't nice. No one wants to have it done to them when they don't like or want it, and particularly not when you are feeling ill. So YADNBU to tell him that you don't like it and you don't want him to do it.

However, I do think there is something to be said for this having gone of for 18 years and you've never said anything about it. Maybe he's a tit at reading body language. Maybe you just ignored it and didn't give off signals that you don't like it. Who knows without actually seeing it?

If my OH suddenly blurted out that he hated something I had been doing the 13 years we have been together, I'm fairly certain I'd be hurt too. If it upset or bothered you that much over the past two decades surely you would have mentioned it before? Or the flip side of that question is, were you scared somehow of telling him to stop? If not, then I am curious why you've never ever brought it up before.

Can you not just have a conversation about it? Tell him how you feel about how he touches you, ask him to tell you how he feels about what you've said.