To loathe inverted-martyrism

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Just a lighthearted-ish rant

I'm sick of hearing /reading people putting others down because they don't want to play superwoman or be a martyr

For example when I gave birth to DD I rested up for weeks because of a difficult birth and all I heard and read on another baby site that rhymes with baby tenter was things like "really, you rested?! After I had DS I leapt up, packed my hospital things away, sprinted home whilst simultaneously Breastfeeding and threw a party for 70 guests that evening." Have read it on a thread today about someone wanting rest after an operation.

Fuck the fuck off!! It's ok to want to relax sometimes and not be a friggin martyr about it all!

To the people who say "or you go under", yes, you can go under, and this has significant knock-on effects on the next generation.
I believe that there are a lot of emotionally stunted and, in extreme cases, abusive adults around who have problems that started as babies when their mothers were ill or exhausted, unsupported, and culturally conditioned to look after men and houses before babies. You don't have to be starving or taken to hospital with pneumonia to have suffered neglect that can affect your whole life.
My grandfather, for instance. Died in his 90s, still displaying tragic evidence of an attachment disorder

One of the most harrowing things I have ever read was posted on here, it was the testimony of Irish women who had undergone symphysiotomy and been left to "get on with it" afterwards. All expressed deep sorrow that they had been physically unable to deal with their babies who were crying for more attention. It is utterly devastating

Pete

or to quote Grissom "sometimes you have to go slow so that you can go fast"

and thanks

What zoemaguire said. If people can 'do it all'or recover quickly from illness/birth then that's great! It's the people who talk as if they're superior to others who don't recover as quickly or do it all that get on my wick.

Its kind of in the same bracket as people who take on far more than they need to but get no enjoyment out of it and moan about it. My mums friend is the martyr of all martyrs, her and her DH take their 3 kids to an Irish holiday cottage every year and EVERY YEAR she comes back and says "well I think the kids enjoyed it but I didn't as it's not really a break I still cooked/cleaned/performed a string quartet/ran the PTA/organised the charity event/jogged 5 miles every day. It's even worse than being at home as I don't have my comforts round me. But it keeps the kids happy and thats what's important. "

Every year I'm desperate to reply "why fucking go if you hate it so much. I'm sure the children will love other places than an Irish holiday cottage so go somewhere you can all enjoy and don't take shit from home with you. And no, it's not important that just the kids enjoy it, I would never go somewhere I didn't enjoy as believe or not my well being is just as important as theirs." but I hate confrontation so stay schtum

Pleased this thread has become a nice flowery read again

Just read my post back and didn't mean to sound so bitchy about my mums friend lol, my point more was that it breaks my heart to see people, Particularly mothers, deem themselves unworthy of enjoyment or relaxation simply because they had the audacity to have children. Is it a British thing I wonder?

Can't be a British thing.
It's a mixture of a lot of things, I don't think nationality matters

I don't like martyrs but neither do I like the other end of the spectrum, which is pregnant princess divas.

Unless you're somewhere comfortably in between, please don't talk to me

*are

That's not inverted martyrdom is it? It's just martyrdom.

Agree with worra, an understated martyr is better than a overstated diva!

That's not inverted martyrdom is it? It's just martyrdom.

Shhhh I cocked up the title

What's a pregnant princess diva?

The type of person who thinks the world should run around after them, the second their piss dries on the stick.

Or they think it's perfectly reasonable to wake their DH up at 3am and demand he goes to the all night garage, cos they're craving something.

Either go back to sleep or go and get your ice cream and pickle yourself love!

I nap every afternoon. It's really important to take care of yourself after childbirth my youngest is seven.

I thnik I am a bit jaded re anti-martyrs as I am married to one. H has had various painful conditions in the last year or so and I have been sympathetic and supportive (within reason - I am not a good nurse!). But I have noticed that since he has been getting better everytime I complain even mildly about my various aches and pains, he has to compete! And takes himself off to bed for a lie down.... grrrrr.... So being an anti-martyr is OK as long as you don't dump on someone else to do it.

Worra

cravings - I understand the need for burgers and chips at 9pm yet being unable to go & get it.
DH will happily get me one, but not after 10pm.

What I don't get is the "because I'm up at crazy o'clock bfing I wake up DH to keep me company/so he can suffer too etc"

who does that?

Oscar

now there's my next t-shirt slogan! you are a genius!

What I don't get is the "because I'm up at crazy o'clock bfing I wake up DH to keep me company/so he can suffer too etc"

who does that?

YY! Why can't they just resentfully jab them in the shoulder blades like a normal person?

worra I craved salty popcorn in pregnancy there was no way i was gonna send DH out to no doubt fuck the order up and bring back toffee by mistake plus I could down 3 bags in the car before driving home

When my two were born I had DH for a week, then my DM/DSis for a week, then DH for a week, then my DM/DSis for a week. Only way to do it. Because of Bank Holidays, DD1 was a day short of five weeks old before I had a day by myself with her.

MIL said, oh you'll be grateful for the help but you'll be so glad when they're gone. Glad when they're gone!?! Are you MAD?! I didn't lift a finger other than to attend to babies while they were there. It was brilliant!

On the other hand, I went back to work when DD1 was 8 mos and DD2 was 7 mos. You know what, all the people with the catsbum mouths and the raised eyebrows and the shrill "Already??"s can do one. We have a fabulous CM, my girls love her and go off quite happily and I am a much better mother for doing something other than looking after them all the time. All of you who self sacrifice Irish holiday cottage styley for years aren't a better mother than I am.

And breathe.

IsChippy I think I've told this one before but one morning when DD1 was tiny, DH asked me "How many times did she wake last night?".

The temptation to kick him in the kidneys during the two night feeds the following night nearly killed me.

Zing that sounds perfectly reasonable

YY to the salty popcorn not being fucked up!

beginnings

in Holland mums go back to work around 4 months typically (source: Dutch friends)

in Hungary you have paid maternity leave for 3 years max (only first 6 months is full salary, then it goes down to various % - I don't know exact figures), can choose to stay home for full 3 years or go back earlier.
(probably more accurate if I say it was true ten years ago, not sure how much changed)

YY beginnings MIL did a cats bum face worthy of a medal when she found out I was going back to work when DD was 9 months. "Children should have their mothers at home not be with strangers". Yes I'm awful, DD goes to a place where there's TOYS AND OTHER CHILDREN gasp she must absolutely hate it!! And I rediscovered my sanity by going back to work 3 days a week, I agree it made me a better mother I enjoy my time with DD so much more now.

and getting strawberries at 3am? I don't think so

MrZing turned down sex two nights ago at midnight!!!!!

My grandfather, for instance. Died in his 90s, still displaying tragic evidence of an attachment disorder

That's sad. How did it manifest itself and do you know what had caused it?

beginnings when DD was a newborn and I was BFing about 3-4 times in the night for 30 mins a time (while DH slept) I had to inform DH that id turn him into a eunuch if he said once more "oh my god I'm so tired I kept stirring when she wanted a feed"