To loathe inverted-martyrism

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Just a lighthearted-ish rant

I'm sick of hearing /reading people putting others down because they don't want to play superwoman or be a martyr

For example when I gave birth to DD I rested up for weeks because of a difficult birth and all I heard and read on another baby site that rhymes with baby tenter was things like "really, you rested?! After I had DS I leapt up, packed my hospital things away, sprinted home whilst simultaneously Breastfeeding and threw a party for 70 guests that evening." Have read it on a thread today about someone wanting rest after an operation.

Fuck the fuck off!! It's ok to want to relax sometimes and not be a friggin martyr about it all!

I hate that women get made to feel this way about resting.

I've known more than one woman get very seriously ill because they just kept going and dismissing their own pain/illness when they should have been seeking urgent medical attention. Ending up in hospital does no one any favors, least of all yourselves.

The latest one had other factors, but has really affected me deeply.

Please rest after birth.

sarinka

why are you keep wallowing on it?

It isn't how women act that's the problem, it's the pointing it out to others in order to make themselves feel superior. They are indeed trying to make other women look bad - as were you, or you wouldn't use calculatedly negative terms like wallowing, pity party and lazing about.

But actually, this was such a lovely thread. It'd be great if you could leave us layabouts to get on with congratulating ourselves on our laziness.

I find it particularly irritating from professionals, so the HV who told me I hadn't really needed the 3 units of blood after giving birth to dd2 because she was always as anaemic as I had been. The fact that I couldn't stand was just weakness on my part, she could go to work full time with effectively no iron in her blood, only the feeble need iron. I never went anywhere near her again.

So you would never expect other new mums to get on with it - but you call them couch-bound lumps and say they're wallowing for resting after giving birth. Right…

I did loads of exercise quite soon after birth cause I was lucky and supported. I recognise this isn't typical!! Then subsequently I tried to help other new mums who weren't as fortunate. No one here has slagged off anyone who was busy, bouncing about happily or doing stuff after birth, only those who seem to think it gives them the right to slag off people who didn't have such a wonderful birth experience. People's absolute lack of compassion is pretty depressing sometimes.

chemenger, !

You didn't know that iron is only for weaklings? Air, too.

Love Eleanor Roosevelt but I've always hated that quote. Smacks of privilege and victim blaming and just isn't true.

Ah, Roosevelt. Good way to deflect responsibility. "Some people need to wallow, I don't, but if that makes you feel crap it's totally not my fault."

It takes a total shift in attitude to say 'NO, I deserve a rest and I deserve to be treated kindly and taken care of' and some women (especially older ones from a generation when housework and childrearing was the main part of their identity) get a mild shock when they see this attitude. To be honest, I think that if more women did this, we'd see a more equitable distribution of housework and childcare in our relationships.

Totally agree.

Ah, Roosevelt. Good way to deflect responsibility. "Some people need to wallow, I don't, but if that makes you feel crap it's totally not my fault."

It takes a total shift in attitude to say 'NO, I deserve a rest and I deserve to be treated kindly and taken care of' and some women (especially older ones from a generation when housework and childrearing was the main part of their identity) get a mild shock when they see this attitude. To be honest, I think that if more women did this, we'd see a more equitable distribution of housework and childcare in our relationships.

Totally agree.

Sorry, maybe I set this off on the wrong track. I just felt an odd kind of competitive anti-martyrism setting in (inverted martyrism???) that perfectly mirrors the annoying martyrism.

"Oh, you think you've got it hard, well let me tell you about how I worked my fingers to the bone doing XYZ"
Pissed off Answer: "Well, I simply, physically, couldn't do that if I wanted to, so P-off"

"Oh, you think you were taking it easy, well let me tell you about how I sat on a velvet cushion for weeks while everyone else looked after me"
Pissed off Answer "Well, I simply, practically, couldn't do that if I wanted to, so P-off"

Competitive anything is annoying, basically.

It isn't how women act that's the problem, it's the pointing it out to others in order to make themselves feel superior

Thats it exactly, zoemaguire.

Its boastful and a way of looking down on other women.

I am one who knows how to say NO, am not here to live up to others' expectations so will rest if and when I need to. & live my life how I want to, within reason. If people want to validate themselves by how much more they do, how much harder they work then that's their call, doesn't have to be mine.

With my DS I had an Emergency CS, afterwards, I was very silly and just did EVERYTHING. I ended up with a womb infection and so poorly that my parents drove up in the middle of the night to help out. With my DD, which was a planned section, I arranged 6 weeks of help and spent ages just sitting and sleeping. It was so much better.

I ignored my MIL who went on about how I was spoilt. She rarely helped me during my pregnancies when I was pole-axed with sickness.... To this day she compares me constantly with my SIL who was icing her daughter's cake and hosting a child's party,the day after her baby was born - grrrrr

You weren't giving the other side of the story, you were telling us we were pathetic losers for taking time off after surgery, boasting about your superwoman tendencies, while claiming that you were doing neither. I don't think anyone was convinced .

It was you who said, twice, that you were leaving the pity-party, I was merely suggesting that that would indeed be a good idea.

Incidentally, the woman I know who is most like superwoman - hard as nails, had three kids in three years, who all woke up for the day at 5am, through a major building project while (I kid you not) baking daily cakes for the builders - is LOVELY. She never in a million years boasts about any of her achievements and always makes you feel special and interesting. I think she is the bees knees.

The people who have time and energy to go on about how busy and martyred they are are usually nothing of the sort.

personally I threw up, fainted and went very grey with the pain/shock when my waters broke.... bloody wuss :D

dd was born in a bit of a hurry (well the fast bit was slow but then it went all mental once the waters went) and I went from being all lentils, whale music and 'I'm having nothing, just gas and air' to begging GIVE ME DRUGS! NOW!! but I wasn't allowed any but gas and air . (prolly a good job really if the levels I can get addicted to coffee are any indication)

fuck the shut up those martyrs who want to be baking cakes, running marathons and curing leukemia the week after they have given birth/had operations/etc. I like sitting around for a bit, my bed is lovely and comfy, and I've earnt it!!

zoeaguire she sounds lovely! does she need any more friends?

I actually felt that I should be up and about really quickly after my second was born. I tried for a day until it hit me that what I was doing was so ridiculous.

Wow, I guess I'm lucky that the only interaction I have with these other women are on Mumsnet.

*I think a lot of competitive martyrdom is a hangover from when women had to do all the housework, childrearing and had much bigger families. Constant hard work was badge of pride and it was also in everyone's interest (the husband's, the families, society generally) to keep the mother in her special place - doing everything for them - so she was always praised for 'getting on with it'. That was the only source of recognition for what they did.

It takes a total shift in attitude to say 'NO, I deserve a rest and I deserve to be treated kindly and taken care of' and some women (especially older ones from a generation when housework and childrearing was the main part of their identity) get a mild shock when they see this attitude. To be honest, I think that if more women did this, we'd see a more equitable distribution of housework and childcare in our relationships.*

Completely agree. Reminds me of some "advice" DH was given by his great aunt that I overheard. He had just told her I was pregnant with our second and that I was tired so had taken to napping with DD when I could. She suggested that he tell me about her mother who couldn't rest when she was pregnant with any of her 10 kids because she was so busy doing everything with no help - I guess this was supposed to give me some perspective? DH hasn't passed this bullshit on, his sense of self-preservation is too strong . Seriously though, I'm lucky to be alive now, not 80 years ago, I have birth control choices so I have some choice in how many kids we have and a lovely DH so why the fuck wouldn't I have a nap every day now and again?

Bold fail.

Crap. I've done the "I cope because I have to cope" attitude. I hope it hasn't been offensive to anyone. But I did, because I had to, because there wasn't anyone to do the things that needed doing. I don't think I extended this to the "you should cope because I coped" though... I hope not!

I did also do lots of nothing and DH was brilliant at doing everything I couldn't cope with and could delegate.

Pete

I'm pg with #7. (by choice)
which is why I have to have naps!

and I completely and utterly reserve the right to feed my children cereal for dinner if cooking a meal is too much effort (due to various reasons)

loved your post and the bit you qouted.

Ah, cheers Zing.

I love your attitude - what's wrong with being kind to yourself? I'm currently sat on the sofa watching TV whilst DD is at nursery. I could clean the bathroom, but (to borrow my new favourite phrase) fuck that noise.