To loathe inverted-martyrism

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Just a lighthearted-ish rant

I'm sick of hearing /reading people putting others down because they don't want to play superwoman or be a martyr

For example when I gave birth to DD I rested up for weeks because of a difficult birth and all I heard and read on another baby site that rhymes with baby tenter was things like "really, you rested?! After I had DS I leapt up, packed my hospital things away, sprinted home whilst simultaneously Breastfeeding and threw a party for 70 guests that evening." Have read it on a thread today about someone wanting rest after an operation.

Fuck the fuck off!! It's ok to want to relax sometimes and not be a friggin martyr about it all!

I was at home and was looked after beautifully, lots of peace quiet baths food sleep. Wish I could give that to every new mum. I try and do the little bits I can.

I don't think there's any getting through to some people. Sarinka has as much as admitted she was treated like shit, so she feels entitled to do the same to others!

2 and a half weeks ago.

That was to BeCool

Wow - things have really changed then.

I stayed overnight with both - had my own room on birth centre with DD1 and it was lovely. On shared ward in delivery suite with DD2 and couldn't wait to get home. Thankfully I was fine with BF and didn't need any help with it, but it is great there is now that option.

In NZ you get the choice to go and stay for a few nights in a post delivery kind of hotel - you can have your baby there too - [{http://www.birthcare.co.nz/auckland.html BIRTH CARE]]. Nice food, private room (it says twin share on the link but everyone I know had it to themselves) lots of quite rest and support. Free and optional - my friends all loved it.

oops link fail BIRTH CARE.

I had a straight forward birth, but had SPD so wasn't amazingly mobile. I sat on the sofa feeding DS in front of daytime tv and looking at him or reading or napping when he was asleep. DH did the cooking and the housework was abandoned for a couple of weeks. I also only got dressed if we were expecting visitors! It was lovely, and I think even if I hadn't been in pain I'd still have been a bit shell shocked because it's a massive life changing event and needed the rest. And like people say, if you're up to scaling Snowdon 3 hours post nasally, all power to you, but don't make those of us who need a bit of time to recover feel bad!

I stayed in hospital for 2 days after, and was given the option to stay on for longer, only 3 years ago. I wonder if it depends on where in the uk you are?

Yes, I don't want to out myself by saying the name of the hospital but they have a lovely birth centre not far off NZ standards - all NHS.

I was on the labour ward though - when I said (2 days after giving birth) to the MW that I planned on going home that day (second child, normal vaginal delivery, both discharged by docs) she raised her eyebrow and said 'We'll see about that'. It's nice to be cared for (but it's good to get home).

I think there might have been a back story to the blow job story, can't remember though.

I seem to remember the BJ was a concession to the fact they couldn't actually do it. Quite bizarre.

I'm a bit that this enjoyable thread has gone off course, no one is sneering at mums who are up and about quickly but I think sarinka has spectacularly missed the point by coming on purely to give details of her superwoman-style day after her giving birth and using words such as 'wallowing' with regard to women who rest

Oh and I'd give one of my kidneys to anyone who can link me to the blowjob thread honestly the lack of self respect in some people is astounding!

Sorry if I've contributed to it going AWOL, OP.

To bring it back on track, my MIL once was FURIOUS that a character in The Archers said she was "tired" after having twins. "Well my Mam had twins and she got out of bed and made dinner for my Dad and she never complained she was 'tired'"

MIL was one of the twins so I am not sure how she knew her DM never complained...

Yep, my MIL got all martyrish on a fictional character in a soap opera.

I remember the blowjob thread! It probably doesn't exist any more, but the gist of it was she had the baby, the baby went off with the midwife for checks or sleep or something, poster and her DH went into the en-suite shower to get her cleaned up and, well, one thing led to another...

After giving birth, every woman should be entitled to rest and recuperate. If you don't want to then that's fine but I think most women need to.
I actually think its disgusting that women aren't able to rest or get the support they need. They're made to feel guilty for not getting up and getting on with it. No wonder PND rates are so high.

I'm not the type to 'wallow' or sit on my lazy arse eating cake and watching tv generally but I thoroughly enjoyed it and needed it after the dcs birth. I am so thankful I had my mum at hand to take charge of all food duties and a dh who was good at the keeping the place tidy.
And if I do feel like doing that from time to time, then I will.

Why on earth are we made to feel guilty if we need or want to rest?

I was in hospital for five days after my first (private room in a lovely birth centre, cups of tea and hot meals on tap, supportive midwives at the touch of a buzzer - I frequently think how much I'd like to move back in) and the fourth day was Christmas Day. The midwives told me that a woman came in that morning, delivered her fourth baby and went home to cook Christmas dinner for twelve people! I thought she must have been bonkers!

The BJ anecdote was one I chose not to believe - I prefer to think it was misplaced bravado, but as I recall she claimed it was a celebration of her feminine power. She used the phrase 'I am woman, hear me roar'. I hope it wasn't true because something about it seemed quite upsetting to me - 45 minutes after birth aren't you usually feeding the baby or gazing at it in wonder, calling family to give them the news, contemplating attempting a wee or enjoying tea and toast...I just can't help but wonder what kind of a relationship they had or what kind of a man he was that this happened. Not to mention how inappropriate it would be in the hospital where a midwife could walk in any moment!

I agree, jelly, I hope to god it wasn't true. It did stick in my mind though!

I've had no support after each birth but I would have happily taken to my bed if I had. In fact I'm still really tired so does anyone want to come and stay for a few days? I haven't just had a baby though, does that matter?

I stayed in hospital (midwifery unit) for 8 days after DD1 (17) was born knowing that I had no support at home. I only left because the doc started to get cross with me!! With DD3 (7) I was told I could only stay in hospital for 6 hours so I didn't bother going.

Seriously though if you can rest then do because although my last pregnancy/looking after a baby probably didn't cause my fibromyalgia I am convinced that it contributed to it. You get no prizes for trying to be a hero.

She used the phrase 'I am woman, hear me roar'

More like "I am a twat, hear me breath through my nose"

Thurlow, on that thread, or another one like it, a HCP said that she has seen curtains closed and beds rocking on postnatal wards

The BJ anecdote upsets me too - after my lengthy birth my DP was staring at me in awe (I did not feel very impressive myself having sobbed through the last 2 hours of transition) and all he wanted to do was look after me. What kind of a man would want sexual favours at that time?? Maybe if he was doing something worshipful of HER… the last thing on my mind after birth, but some people have orgasmic births don't they??

Urgh - hope it wasn't true.

I think this is such a good thread to start OP, thank you. I so agree with your standpoint and think it's really important to have balance in our lives, yes, get stuff done but also don't feel bad about resting and relaxing even if you haven't just had a baby or an op!

I used to be one of those manic people who was always out running, rushing about sorting everything out. I think because I was on my own when I had Dd I felt I HAD to do it all and yet all I really wanted to do was curl up on the sofa and shut out the world for a few weeks.

A couple of years ago I developed a truly horrible virus which affected my heart, joints and eventually my brain. It was an absolutely hideous time BUT the thing I learned from it was that it really is not only ok to rest but good for you. I am getting back to normal now but I still have to be careful and not over do it, my body tells me in no uncertain terms if I do. I can't tell you how hard it was to accept that and to truly believe that it didn't make me a crap/lazy person. I'm alot happier now though. I think that sense of balance was missing from my life all along.

The thing is, it doesn't matter how many people climbed a mountain or moved house or cooked dinner 24 hours after giving birth.

It's like... You know how some people are are always saying oh I'm so busy I haven't got a second to myself, I have 3 toddlers, a teenager, a full time job, charity work plus a house to run and my mum to look after, I literally never get a second to sit down, I'm always on the go, and they go on and on about how busy they are?

loads of people have ridiculously busy lives. Loads of people have stuff to do and wish there was more time to do it.
But they just do it. Without feeling the need to tell everyone about how amazingly busy they are and aren't you lucky you don't have to do all that, but they are very active people and hate to be sitting still.

That's the difference.

No one cares. Honestly. Those are the people, like my MIL who make stupid comments about how "you have to get on with it, I did xyz"

TOndelay I was in a lovely London birth center with DD1, though you couldn't stay for days.

With DD2 I'm afraid the inn birth centre was full and much to my shock and dismay, and not what I wanted in any way, I had delivery centre birth, strapped to a monitor, on my back, and almost without a midwife present at all

I was still very good at the "this bitch is resting" stage once I got home though :)

I don't mind people who can cope with it all. Good for them. I just don't want them draining my will to live by telling me all about how they can cope as if they're superhuman and every other mother is 'lesser' in some way. People can find so many tiresome ways to be competitive. I can happily live without supermum martyr stories, thank you. Maybe it can be engraved on the tombstone "I Did It All".