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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Bra" for a 7 year old

182 replies

YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 09:24

DD (7) has come back from a weekend at her dad's and his girlfriend has bought her a "bra" (as she calls it) I suppose it's a cropped vest really.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off?

It doesn't function as a vest (due to it's cropped nature) so it's only purpose seems to be as a fake bra to make DD feel grown up.

I think there is too much pressure on children to grow up too fast.

Do I return it with a note or bin it and deny all knowledge?

OP posts:
Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 12:23

When it was suggested that a lot of children feel self-conscious changing in front of others for PE the OPs response was that she had a vest. So therefore it's acceptable to the OP for her child to cover herself up with a vest.

So it makes me wonder if in spring and summer when it's a bit warmer would her child still have to wear a vest in order to continue to cover herself up (which the OP has said she does) and quite possibly be uncomfortable and too hot?

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 12:25

I don't think anyone is saying to ignore a child that wishes to cover themselves modestly, I think people are questioning why a prepubescent girl should be so embarrassed by her body that she wants to cover her nipples. By buying into the fake bra/crop top as a normal thing we are encouraging that embarrassment, we are emphasising the gender difference.

If a child has no desire for one, why get them one?

If my DD had been pestering me for one it would be a different situation.

OP posts:
Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 12:27

Unless you actually speak to your child (which you have said you won't) how will you know if she asked for one or not?

She might have. She might not have but how do you know if you don't ask her?

treaclesoda · 28/04/2014 12:28

I don't see what the big deal is about acknowledging the gender differences in this situation is. I'm fine with acknowledging that it is the norm in our society for females to cover their upper body. I don't see how that is a damaging message.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 12:30

Cupid she has not yet expressed any embarrassment at getting changed at school, she has not asked for anything to cover her nipples for that reason.

If she wants coverage a vest does that. We don't actually have that many blisteringly hot days where a vest would make a child uncomfortably hot. If she demanded nipple coverage on a hot day then
a fake bra may be the answer.

She hasn't demanded nipple coverage. It's not hot today.

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 28/04/2014 12:31

What I find interesting is that a thread about little girls in bikinis gets huge cries of "stop sexualising them!"....

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 12:34

I will not get an accurate response if I ask her (as I have already said) I will speak to the adults as their version will be more reliable.

She has never expressed a desire for one so I don't think she asked for one.

So, if she had asked for one then I should get her one? So whatever she asks for I unquestioningly provide?

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 28/04/2014 12:35

When did cropped tops become a necessity anyway? They weren't around when I was young, it was vest or nothing to proper bra.

treaclesoda · 28/04/2014 12:36

I don't care about little girls in bikinis either, if they are just cropped tops, I don't see them as remotely sexualisation and it was only on mumsnet that I discovered that people do. I've said up thread that I was raised in a very very modest family, 'growing up' wasn't acknowledged at all, and I was dressed like a child when all my friends had moved on to fashion clothes etc But my parents thought nothing of having us wear bikinis as small children and would be aghast at the idea of it being sexualisation in some way. Different if they are triangular and padded though...

treaclesoda · 28/04/2014 12:37

autocorrect fail there Blush But you get the gist of what I'm trying to say

Chattymummyhere · 28/04/2014 12:38

Wow so a 7 year old girl is not allowed to decide she is too old for baby vests and wants something that still covers her slightly but not look like a baby?

Oh and by the start of year 6 I was a C cup so had been wearing bras for sometime. You are making this a battle which it does not need to be, hell even my nearly 3 year old girl and 5 year old boy don't wear vests (nor crop tops) as they don't like them and will take them of, their body and it's underwear their choice as someone said it's not a bra or a thong or anything like that let her be happy.

If you where my mum I'm sure I would of got dad and his gf to buy mine to save the arguments with you over something that is perfectly acceptable for a young girl to wear.

OwlCapone · 28/04/2014 12:40

Have you read the thread, chattymum? the DD has never expressed any desire for a cropped top.

Mrsjayy · 28/04/2014 12:48

It is a fake bra though.

it isn't though that is like saying a vest is a fake camisole (which it isn't) there is no such thing as a fake bra a bra is a bra

Mrsjayy · 28/04/2014 12:50

I dont think a little girl is a bikini is sexualising them either it is a 2 piece and probably a lot cooler if it is hot than a full piece

YouTheCat · 28/04/2014 13:09

Bloomers and petticoats are the way to go, OP, and long vests down to the knees.

soverylucky · 28/04/2014 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chattymummyhere · 28/04/2014 13:17

Owl by the way the mum has come across in this thread as I said I would not ask her for one if she was my mum.

Very much the attitude of mum is always right and what mum says goes even if it would make the girl happier. The words like fake bra etc don't help.

Another mum posted that she was gassing them but sat down and spoke with her daughter, the op says for certain reasons she cannot ask her daughter but has yet to ask dad if DD said she wanted one or not.

Lots of girls still don't feel happy talking to their mums about these things but will to another adult we don't know that this has not happened here if the girl is happy (and she sounds it) and was not forced to wear it there is no issue apart from a grumpy mum not happy with what dad and gf have done.

How many grown ups have we seen on mumsnet not know about certain a things to be done with sanitary products? Where not allowed to store them in the bathroom etc all because of parental ideas that seem crazy to most of us. Teach children and let them grow as they are ready rather than baby them.

treaclesoda · 28/04/2014 13:18

I think the OP's decision is fine. I don't have any particular interest on what she chooses to allow her daughter to wear. But I still disagree that a crop top or a bikini is somehow sexualising a child.

Chattymummyhere · 28/04/2014 13:20

Sovery why is what mum wants best? What about what dad has decided? He is just as entitled to decide what is best for his DD and has not demanded op pay for it just provided down thing for his DD with his gf? You no this whole 50/50 parental rights work both ways.

Chattymummyhere · 28/04/2014 13:21

Sorry about all the mistakes this iPhone has a mind of its bloody own!

NurseyWursey · 28/04/2014 13:33

I had one at that age because I was conscious when changing for PE

PastaandCheese · 28/04/2014 13:39

I can't understand people making out this is a new phenomenon. I was born in 70's and had a crop top at primary school in the 80's. I know I had one by 9.

I had to beg my mother and was one of the last girls to get one which was rubbish at 9 years old. My mother did the whole 'you don't need one' speech over and over which missed the point that I wanted to fit in.

With my own DD she can have cropped vest style if she asks for them.

OP if the girlfriend suggested your DD needed a crop top and pushed the idea then YANBU.

If your DD asked the girlfriend to buy it for her on the spur of the moment in a shop then I think YABU.

There is some context missing here IMO.

CheeryName · 28/04/2014 13:49

I wouldn't be happy with another adult giving my child anything that could be seen as some sort of stepping stone/milestone type of gift.

But I would do the same as OP and not make any issue of it with my child. My DC have tons of clothes that languish in the wash basket at any one time. This would probably spend a lot of time there.

My DD is 7 and recently picked a hideously tasteless 'too old' top when I foolishly said she could pick anything she liked in a sale. Think animal print sheer blouse with luminous pink cropped vest underneath. Whaddya know, its also really itchy so she never wears it!

CheckpointCharlie · 28/04/2014 14:01

Blimey chatty gassing them Shock Grin

landrover · 28/04/2014 14:34

I remember watching a year 6 girl in choir, with nipples clearly obvious and showing to all of us. I felt gutted for the poor girl, who presumably didn't realise, but blame her parents/carers for allowing that to happen. I know that your child is only 7 and I too hate over sexualised stuff. However I would say that vests are also completely old fashioned and once one child in the class has a crop top , they all do. I see them as a more fashionable vest, certainly not a bra. They do also provide a bit of privacy as mixed changing for pe etc still happens