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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Bra" for a 7 year old

182 replies

YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 09:24

DD (7) has come back from a weekend at her dad's and his girlfriend has bought her a "bra" (as she calls it) I suppose it's a cropped vest really.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off?

It doesn't function as a vest (due to it's cropped nature) so it's only purpose seems to be as a fake bra to make DD feel grown up.

I think there is too much pressure on children to grow up too fast.

Do I return it with a note or bin it and deny all knowledge?

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 10:53
  • a vest
OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 28/04/2014 10:53

either way - speaking from experience - choose your battles wisely

marne2 · 28/04/2014 10:55

My dd1 wears a crop top, she's 10 though and we bought her one to get her used to wearing a bra ( she has Aspergers and it takes her a long time to get used to a extra item of clothing ), she will probably need a proper bra in the next year so wanted her to get used to wearing a extra item of clothing. I wouldn't buy one for a 7 year old unless it's something they really really wanted to wear ( then there is no real problem with it ).

treaclesoda · 28/04/2014 10:55

redsky that's it! That's what I was trying to say earlier with reference to bikinis but just couldn't quite explain it well enough.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 10:55

It is a fake bra. She calls it a bra. Its more grown up than a vest so it's a (completely unnecessary) stepping stone to a bra.

A fake bra.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 28/04/2014 10:56

And what if it is the Dad who decided it was appropriate and asked her girlfriend to go shopping with his daughter?

If that were the case it would be fair enough but the OP hasn't said that he usually gets involved in buying clothes or making those sorts of decisions and most fathers that I know would defer to an adult female in that situation. The OP probably knows him well enough to work out if it was him or the GF who instigated the purchase.

It is perhaps more appropriate that the parent who buys most of the child's clothes and does the majority of the caring makes these decisions if the mother and father can't communicate about it. In this case it sounds like it is the mother who takes that role therefore it is probably more appropriate that she takes responsibility for the decision.

It does smack rather of the GF deciding the mother was holding her DD back unnecessarily and deciding to intervene, possibly to curry favour with the child.

Mrsjayy · 28/04/2014 10:57

Marme2 off topic but my cousins dd has aspergers she hated bras cousin bought her sports bras and those sloggi ones as they are softer maybe when the time comes you could try those for her

SystemIDUnknown · 28/04/2014 10:57

What does a crop top do (for an undeveloped 7 yd old) that a vest doesn't? Apart from "make them feel more grown up"???!

Them feeling grown up is an important part of their gradual development IMO, and (within reason) should be supported. Ds1 feels grown up when he's allowed to put gel in his hair, like dad (something we've only recently allowed). Or when he gets the tiniest dab of aftershave. Or when he's allowed to walk along without holding hands near any roads.

These are not necessary at all. But children grow up, and surely a gradual process towards doing things we know for definite they WILL do in future (in this case, wearing a bra) is a good thing?

Mrsjayy · 28/04/2014 10:58

well it is up t you to tell her that when she gets boobs then she will get a proper bra and tell her that it is really just a vest it has been put to her as a bra which is silly really,

gordyslovesheep · 28/04/2014 10:58

her feelings don't matter do they OP? You are angry with her dads girlfriend and you wont back down - YABU

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 10:58

How do you know she isn't comfortable in a vest. You have already said you aren't going to speak to her about this because of other ongoing issues. She may very well have asked her Dad and GF to buy her one.

I'm perplexed as to why you have actually posted this thread since you are not willing to accept anyone else's opinions unless the validate your own.

What exactly do you think the function of a vest is at this age? Possibly in Winter for extra warmth but in Summer? It's a cover up. A crop top is the same essentially just a shorter version.

RufusTheReindeer · 28/04/2014 10:59

pebbly

I do agree with you, wouldn't ban crop tops or bras,( don't hate them ) either for youngsters. Don't actually care what children wear under their clothes

But my children do find most clothes uncomfortable, they spent a lot of their early years naked Grin

And to be honest I can't stand it when people pick at their clothes, it would probably drive me round the twist to see dd do it ( and my god does that child hate her bras!!! I've had to buy them so big, so they are comfortable, that it would probably fit me!)

Trollsworth · 28/04/2014 10:59

You asked if you were being unreasonable.

The general consensus is that YES, YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE.

Not entirely unpredictably, you are now insisting that you are not being unreasonable.

Okay then.

Martorana · 28/04/2014 10:59

System- you're the second poster I have seen talking about boxers as a sort of growing up transition thing- I had never heard of that before. My ds wore boxers from the start- it didn't cross my mind not to get him the same as his dad! and a two year old in in boxers is very probably the single cutest thing in existence

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 28/04/2014 10:59

I had the same situation and almost identical conversation with my DD (also 9) as snot and she's just started wearing v plain white, non bra like crop tops. We had the same conversation about peppa pig moon boots in P2 - she initial didn't explain why she didn't want to wear them but then it turned out she was been laughed at for being 'a baby' by others in her class. It's all down to peer pressure and the desire to be more grown up.

I do agree that 7 is maybe too young, I certainly resisted DD's requests at that stage. But sometimes you have to listen and understand the level of distress they feel when trying to fit in, or deal with others highlighting differences in a negative way. It's a tricky balance to achieve and it's not a good idea to have a firm view if it's something that really affects your DC.

In your shoes OP, I'd maybe explain that she's still too young but you can both look at them when she's older etc. That worked (up to a point) with my DD, but there came a time when I had to think more about how she felt as opposed to my views on these things (which is the same as yours, especially at 7).

QuinionsRainbow · 28/04/2014 11:00

Young girls generally wear vests but don't need bras. Adult women generally don't wear vests but do need bras. At some point in between, peer pressure dictates that young girls rebel against wearing vests and, not necessarily simultaneously, biology dictates that they need bras. Crop tops provide a practical transition, seeming like a vest to the anxious chill-fearing parent, but not like a vest to the liberation-seeking child. I wish they had been around in my day!

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 11:01

She has never expressed a desire for this "piece of meaningless cloth"/"sexualised fake bra" before and she is very capable of expressing her needs and desires to me.

I like the gf, I just know that she was happy with a vest on Friday and now she has a fake bra/crop top she wants to cling on to it as a symbol of maturity.

Oh and by the way, I am not scared of her growing up or trying to keep her as a child. Her armpits get smelly so she has deodorant. Deodorant serves a purpose, it has a use.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 28/04/2014 11:01

I bet if you let her wear it she'd would a couple of times then not bother - drama over - this way you make it a much bigger issue than it is

pebblyshit · 28/04/2014 11:02

Does everything she owns have to have a 'use'?

What is sexualised about it?

Is the basic problem you think it's 'trashy'?

What is wrong with wanting to feel a bit more grown up?

SnotandBothered · 28/04/2014 11:03

OP A vest does exactly the same thing

This was part of my 'debate' with DD

She said it didn't because the fitted nature of the Crop Top (due to being much more lycra heavy) felt much more comfortable/snug against her chest than a cotton vest. We tried a couple of lycra vests but these rode up her tummy (we've all been there!) and were really annoying.

This argument however, was all based on the fact the DD has tiny buds which she wants to keep covered (for modesty reasons) and snugly covered at that (for comfort reasons).

Having said all of that, I KNOW there was an element of "I just want a crop top because I think they're grown up" in her argument, but having bought the bloody things (plainest we could get) I think they are actually far less sexual than a lot of things: Lelly Kelly patent boots with studs anyone???

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 11:03

"Sexualised fake bra"? You mean a crop top yes? It isn't a fake bra it's a crop top. It's a real thing.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 11:06

I haven't used the word "sexualised" myself I was quoting other posters.

I was comparing the two extreme descriptions that have been used on here and summing up the most opposing terms into one description.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 28/04/2014 11:07

It is a fake bra though.

OP posts:
Trollsworth · 28/04/2014 11:08

You saying so does not make it so.

Just out of interest, why did you post in AIBU? You clearly are not interested in anyone else's opinion of the situation.

Littleturkish · 28/04/2014 11:08

Nothing wrong with crop tops. I still wear crop tops if the outfit demands a flatter chest and I don't want to wear a padded underwired bra.

Better than vests because: less material, not so sweaty, far more comfortable; less material to roll up under your clothes and ruin the look of a dress (at 7 she will be more bothered by this); nothing tight over your stomach, which can be really uncomfortable.

I can't see the problem in unpadded crop tops for 7+