To be upset about this?

[devoniandarling]

Dh and I discussed the possibility of having another dc. The first time this came up was in September. In sept he said after Christmas, at Christmas he said after half term (feb), then it was after Easter.

Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me and he said ok. Then the week before I had an appointment to have my coil removed he got himself in a mood.

When he played taxi for my mother she asked him what was up and he told her about our plans. Not to dripfeed, we live with my dm and space is limited but we would cope.

He knew that my mum would be against us having another child and so discussing it with her was bound to cause a row. Basically I now can't start ttc because he has tied my hands and dm will be "dissappointed" if I fall pregnant now.

I was so mad that he went behind my back to my mother. It very nearly broke us up a couple of weeks ago and now it's like the elephant in the room, I can't mention my desire for another child and he thinks the subject is closed. If I do mention it I get the stock answer of ; "in the future". I am 30. Not necessarily knocking on a bit, but my youngest child is almost five, and I don't want to a mahoosive age gap. I want any further children to be a part of the family, not an after thought.

Dh doesn't understand why I am upset. I am upset that he went to my mum, I never go to his mum and complain about him! Even when he strayed (once, and it is in the past and forgiven) I never uttered a word to his mother. I am upset that he doesn't want us to have another child right now and I am upset that I can't be honest about these feelings for fear of him leaving me.

OP I think you should go over to the 'larger families' board if you want to post about this again!

The desire to have another child can feel overwhelming and sometimes it can take an outsider to honestly evaluate whether it's a good idea.

Lots of people here have given reasons why it would be in your existing children's best interests for you to delay your ttc plans. Big age gaps are fine and you are still young.

No, I haven't asked my children if they want another sibling. They tell me. Repeatedly. Unprompted.

Yes, Dh's worry over his op has come to light since I started this thread. Perhaps it was shortsighted of me not to have seen it until it was pointed out to me but then sometimes people don't see what's right in front of their faces.

I have an education thanks.

So you nearly broke up, your children already share a house with their grandparents, your husband has a heart condition, you a kidney one and you believe you can still afford to support five children even if your husband loses his job? Cloud cuckkoo land.

I love the way you are using your existing Dc's asking for another sibling as justification. Because children are never swayed by their parent's opinion are they...

This thread isn't a AIBU, it's a I Want My Own Way.

If your husband loses his job you won't be supporting your family the tax payers will.

I'm not using it as justification. Someone asked how the other children felt about it. I answered and was then accused of asking them to add weight to my wishes. That's not the case, they constantly ask for a baby brother or sister. They are usually told "not yet."

The AIBU was about being upset that my husband had spoken to my mum (rather than me) about his change of heart. A change of heart that was never about not having another child but about when to have another child.

Lots of people appear to think that because we have a large family and live as an extended family that means we cannot afford another child. That's not the case. We chose, as a family, to live together so that we could have a large family and be able to afford to have all the treats etc without having to pay two lots of running costs for a house. Money is not the issue.

The issue was that dh had told me one thing and without warning he told my mum something different. I understand now why he was reluctant and we have shelved plans until after his operation.

Both my mum and my dh want another baby in the house. The problem is the when. I wanted it to be sooner than them. And I also am concerned that the last time I fell pregnant was coming up to six years ago and fertility does change. They both think I only have to blink and I'm pregnant but I'm thinking it could take a lot longer now.

I have continued with contraception. I have listened to my husbands concerns and I have come up with solutions to them. That's what a marriage is about isn't it?

Dh's Job is pretty secure, but even if he lost his job, we would not be funded by tax payers. We have never claimed benefits and are unlikely to need to. Money is not the issue!

You're absolute right chipped. My dm has been jokingly telling dd to tell me she wants a baby sister, I know it is meant to be only light hearted but it irritates me because whenever we are with dm she mentions it only then.

I'm saddened that it has taken this thread to make you realise that your husband is feeling worried about his heart op. This really hasn't put you in a good light IMO at all. In fact having just mentioned this thread to my DH, he said that would really make him consider what type of person you are and if you are in the relationship for baby making purposes only. I'm not seeing that is the case but that's how he interpreted it. Makes sense.

There's been a x post and yes that is what marriage is all about. But that isn't what has come across in Thai thread.

I can understand that. I am worried about Dh's op. of course I am. And he knows that. I hadn't connected the two things as I know that once he has had the op he is going to go back to normal. Perhaps that does make me look a bit insensitive but believe me I'm not.

I have said we will wait. I understand that the op may not be a success, that there are risks involved etc etc. but I also know what the consultant has told us.

If dh had been honest with me from the start there would have been no problem, no thread and no issue, of course I would have waited until after his op. I'm sure lots of you think I'm a silly, immature, heartless and selfish cow. I'm not. I had my reasons for being upset, I'm happy to say things have been resolved by talking openly and honestly. From both sides.

What you need, OP, is counselling and not another child. Someone who is this desperate to override and be so dismissive of other people's feelings or considerations to have another child when they already have four at the age of 30 needs counselling.

If you have this total constant longing for yet another child, do you really believe that those feeling will simply stop when you have this next child and willingly get sterilised? I call bullshit. Unless you address your underlying issues then come three years' time and your DH reminds you you said you'd get sterilised I'll put money on you refusing.

Dysfunctional, entitled, self-centred, unreasonable.

We have never claimed benefits and are unlikely to need to. Money is not the issue!

Not even child benefit?

What Not said with bells on.

I've had counselling in the past. Not about my wish for a fifth child, but because of my miscarriages.

If people don't tell you how they are feeling (or worse, deny their own feelings) how am I supposed to know what they are feeling? Dh didn't tell me. In fact he kept telling me he was fine. In a similar vein to when I took him to hospital and he told the nurses he felt like a fraud for being there and I was just fussing. This is when his heart was racing at 230bpm when all he did was stand up!

It's also not a constant need for another child. I went through hell to have dc2. Dc3 was a contraception failure and dc4 was planned. It was approx a year ago that we decided as a couple to have a dc5. The problems aren't about having another child but about when is best. Taking everything into consideration. We are agreed that this will be the last child and I don't want the age gap to be massive. I have my reasons.

Dh constantly delaying was the issue because I didn't understand why he was delaying and I see our youngest getting older and think the age gap is going to be bigger and bigger.

IF I was planning on dc5 and dc6 then a large gap wouldn't be such a big problem. But dc5 is going to be the last. So I don't want him or her to feel like an afterthought, or a mistake, or be left out because they are so much younger.

I would have hoped that if I'd been with a DH for over 11 years I WOULD know what they were feeling, even if they weren't saying so. If you live with someone that long, you just DO. Hell, I have friends I don't live with who I've known just a couple of years who can tell when things aren't quite right or I am hiding something or feeling worried.

If my OH was going to have a heart op, no matter what a consultant might have said, that's serious. Sorry, it just is and I can't believe you could be so blasé about it. Yes, there is major surgery and minor surgery, but we're still talking one of the two major organs here!

I'd love to know what further compromises you will make if the op isn't a success and your DH has complications. Will you still expect him to impregnate you regardless?

WHY do you want a fifth child? How do you KNOW, with 100% certainty, you will not want a sixth?

I suggest a different counsellor.

How do you know that you DH is going to be back to normal as soon as he has had his op. Do you have a crystal ball or a magic wand!???

Things can and do go wrong. I went in for a 'routine' procedure and I am now paralysed!!!

I hope that at least you are going to wait until your DH has had his op.

I am sorry to say that you do come across as really selfish. As for your DC saying that they want another sibling, in my experience all children say this.

It's all about you and what you want, isn't it? I think he was telling you how he was feeling, he didn't want another child. You've managed to help him come around to what you want.

I have said we will wait till after his op.

I knew something wasn't right with dh. But he kept denying it. I'm not a mind reader and he was hiding how worried he was from me. He didn't want to make me worry or admit how scared he is. If someone is hiding something from you then how are you meant to know? I'm not telepathic!

I don't know that I won't want a sixth in a few years time. But i do know that we won't be having one because there wouldn't be enough room, the added financial burden would stretch us too far and it wouldn't be in the best interests of the family as a whole.

Finances/space/family commitments have all been taken into consideration and thought out and five is our limit. I'm not dim/thick/dense and I know that I cannot continue to have children forever as much as I would like to and five has always been the number we were working on.

Lots of people appear to think that because we have a large family and live as an extended family that means we cannot afford another child

sorry if this has already been asked but are you and your DH supporting your family entirely by yourselves? Ie. not relying on tax credits, benefits etc?

Lots of people appear to think that because we have a large family and live as an extended family that means we cannot afford another child

sorry if this has already been asked but are you and your DH supporting your family entirely by yourselves? Ie. not relying on tax credits, benefits etc?

objection nobody has actually asked. And yes we are. We do not claim tax credits or any other benefit. Except child benefit. Which until recently everyone who had children was entitled to weren't they?

It would seem that whatever anyone says you feel that you are right and don't appear to be taking on board the comments that people are making.

You are correct in that you are not telepathic therefore you can't see that your health will definitely be fine nor that if your DH.

I am sorry but I know instinctively if something is upsetting/concerning my partner, just as he does with me. I would have known he is concerned about an upcoming procedure even if he was 'fine'.

It just feels in your posts that you have railroaded your DM and DH into agreeing ttc and they have agreed to please you rather than because it is actually what they want.

I would be concerned that:
. Your partner has a heart condition
. You have a health condition
. Your mother has had ill health
. Your partner previously 'strayed' -was this dealt with and did it coincide with a pregnancy I wonder.

Could the house end up with three ill people and five children and your mum's partner the only one working?

How does your mum's partner feel about this set up?

(I mean regarding the possibility of a baby in the house.)