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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this?

212 replies

devoniandarling · 27/04/2014 19:40

Dh and I discussed the possibility of having another dc. The first time this came up was in September. In sept he said after Christmas, at Christmas he said after half term (feb), then it was after Easter.

Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me and he said ok. Then the week before I had an appointment to have my coil removed he got himself in a mood.

When he played taxi for my mother she asked him what was up and he told her about our plans. Not to dripfeed, we live with my dm and space is limited but we would cope.

He knew that my mum would be against us having another child and so discussing it with her was bound to cause a row. Basically I now can't start ttc because he has tied my hands and dm will be "dissappointed" if I fall pregnant now.

I was so mad that he went behind my back to my mother. It very nearly broke us up a couple of weeks ago and now it's like the elephant in the room, I can't mention my desire for another child and he thinks the subject is closed. If I do mention it I get the stock answer of ; "in the future". I am 30. Not necessarily knocking on a bit, but my youngest child is almost five, and I don't want to a mahoosive age gap. I want any further children to be a part of the family, not an after thought.

Dh doesn't understand why I am upset. I am upset that he went to my mum, I never go to his mum and complain about him! Even when he strayed (once, and it is in the past and forgiven) I never uttered a word to his mother. I am upset that he doesn't want us to have another child right now and I am upset that I can't be honest about these feelings for fear of him leaving me.

OP posts:
Mushypeasandchipstogo · 28/04/2014 19:33

How could you actually work FT from the age of 13 OP?

WanderingAway · 28/04/2014 19:35

What will happen in a year or two when u have had ur fifth child and want another? Will you go back on your 'compromise'? I dont think you will go through with the steralisation because there is something missing within you and you are using children to try and fill that.

I also think your mum should get a say as well seeing as she lives with you and will be a part of it.

AnnieLobeseder · 28/04/2014 19:49

I have to say, OP, that you had children very young, have never really had a life outside of your DP and children (a PT job at 13 doesn't count). And now you work at your children's dance school to be with them. Perhaps you should take a step back from all of this and do a little soul-searching - find out who you are apart from your family. Husbands and children and wonderful things, but they should add to your life, not be your life.

HolgerDanske · 28/04/2014 20:18

I agree with Annie. I think you have lost yourself as a separate entity, or never really had a chance to find yourself to begin with. I also think there is some trauma of loss that you are trying to heal.

I wish you well.

Darksideofthemoon88 · 29/04/2014 11:35

If you have enough money to cover private medical care when you don't work and are presumably relying on DP's income alone, why don't you move out into your own house and then at least your mother's opinion, for which you seem to have little respect anyway, would cease to matter?

Also, I agree with the posters above. You seem to be trying to fill some void with endless childbearing. I don't think that's fair on those around you (your mother obviously has had enough, your DP is ambivalent at best, and have you even asked your other children what they think?) and I don't think it'll make you happy or 'complete'.

Original poster
devoniandarling · 29/04/2014 18:53

General consensus appears to be that I am selfish and should deny my wish for another child.

Just to elaborate on a few misconceptions...

  1. I do respect my mother (and her husbands) opinions and feelings. My mother 'sided' with my dh a few weeks ago because she wasn't aware of all the facts. I have had a conversation with her today and she is totally fine with me having another child if that's what we want as a couple. She has asked that I wait a couple of months while we sort of it our kitchen, but she is totally on board.

  2. DH is happy to have another child. It would seem that he had concerns over when I would be finished childbearing, and he wants to wait until after his imminent heart operation (due in the next couple of months). He felt I was pressuring him to start ttc right now, but we have agreed to wait until after his totally routine, totally safe operation is out of the way.

  3. my children have all expressed a wish for another sibling. They all enjoy being part of a relatively large family and (especially the youngest) want mummy to have another baby.

  4. we live together as a lifestyle choice. It is not a case of my mum funding us. We share responsibility for the household bills. I am responsible for the housework/cooking. The three "wage earners" are happy with the arrangement and as my mother said today, it is not "her house" it is a family home. A secure, safe place for the children to grow up and which we are all proud to have.

  5. I have a life and friends outside of the household and roles other than "mummy" and "housewife". However these are the roles that make me happy. And that's not just whilst my children are babies but as they grow and become young people in their own right. I have happy, confident, independent children who are a credit to me, and themselves.

  6. I am not trying to fill any holes in y life but add to the happy family we have. Dh has spoken truthfully and honestly with me and our misunderstandings and unspoken differences of appearance are not as bad as I first thought. I was frustrated that he didn't speak to me but to my mum. I have since explained that when I have a disagreement with him I don't run off to his mother and complain to her. I have, however, spoken to his mother wrt this subject and she is completely happy for us to consider another child.

OP posts:
Thetimes123 · 29/04/2014 19:53

Go for it, my sister has 5 children and they all get on great.

RiverTam · 29/04/2014 20:00

well, your latest post makes this entire thread a bit pointless, then, doesn't it Hmm.

RiverTam · 29/04/2014 20:03

though equally, you've managed to add to the mix another adult (your DM's DH) and a piece of major surgery. Drip drip drip.

Up to you all if another baby works, but frankly you sound in la-la land.

clam · 29/04/2014 20:04

So, you have a kidney disorder and your dh has a heart condition?

Thetimes123 have you read the thread? The question wasn't "can't decide whether to have a 5th child," but what to do about the fact that, contrary to the latest post, her dh didn't appear to want another child and she thought he was colluding with her mother, who agreed with him.

But apparently, that's all wrong now. It seems we're all wasting our time here, folks.

BolshierAyraStark · 29/04/2014 20:12

What heart surgery is completely safe? Hmm

Have to agree that La La Land would appear to be your domain...

EverybodysStressyEyed · 29/04/2014 20:21

Your dh needs your support through this surgery, no matter how safe it is. Focus on that and then think about the fifth child. He needs your support right now.

Darksideofthemoon88 · 29/04/2014 21:12

I agree, Clam. OP, what was the point in this thread? It seems as though you expected everyone to side with you and, when they didn't, you just changed the circumstances to make sure you were 'right' anyway Hmm

FunnyFoot · 29/04/2014 21:14

I agree with dark. Not cool OP Hmm

CinnabarRed · 29/04/2014 21:36

I think your desire for a 5th child has blinded you to reality.

Thetimes123 · 29/04/2014 22:25

clam sorry I'm not fully up to speed. So guys ignore me!

Thetimes123 · 29/04/2014 22:25

clam sorry I'm not fully up to speed. So guys ignore me!

Louise1956 · 29/04/2014 22:41

I think he should have been upfront with you about not wanting another child, rather than prevRicating like that, it's a bit feeble. And going to his mother behind your back is a bit lame. but i can see his point. I think four children is probably quite enough, given that you have health problems and are living with your mother, none of which suggests another child is a good idea. Why not concentrate on the children you have got? Four is a good number to keep you busy.

Ericaequites · 30/04/2014 01:09

If you live with your mother, four children is sufficient. Four is enough for anyone, really. I speak as a third and final child with no children of my own

Ericaequites · 30/04/2014 01:14

Since having and rearing a child is so expensive, the NHS ought to offer sterilization on demand if you have a child already. If you are legally married, your spouse should have to agree to your procedure. Every child should be wanted.

Atbeckandcall · 30/04/2014 01:55

OP regardless as whether or not your DH agrees to trying for baby number 5 you need some counselling on how to deal with your baby urges.

It seemed all drama, then you had a chat with DH and it's "never mind, I'm getting what I wanted so there." I think you really need to address how you're going to feel after baby5 comes along, I have no doubt you'll be wanting another and desperately trying to come up with a "compromise" so you can have number 6.
And yes your DH had every right to speak to the other adults in the house about bringing another baby into it. If you're living with other people (I don't mean your children) and it's a "family home" it should be a family decision. It doesn't matter if you don't talk to your mil about DH either, you don't live with her. I expect that he was also frustrated that you are just concerned with having another baby and not that he might need your support for an upcoming cardiac procedure. No matter how routine it is, it is still always worrying and in any procedure involving the heart, it is should NEVER be taken lightly no matter how common the op is. At this moment in time that is far more important than your need to ttc.
Also, you can't pick and choose how living with other adults affects your life. You don't want them to have an opinion on bringing another baby into the home and yet EVERYONE contributes?!
Lastly, you mentioned that your mother is very controlling and yet it seems you've managed to get everyone now to dance to your tune and agree to what you want. I maybe be wrong be something makes me uncomfortable about how this has all be dealt with. I wish you all the best for the future and hope for all your sakes you don't bring this up again after dc5.

Gennz · 30/04/2014 02:11

"totally safe totally routine heart operation" Shock

The language you use is very telling:

"Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me"

"My mother 'sided' with my dh a few weeks ago because she wasn't aware of all the facts."

Me, me, me

it sounds like you are railroading them all.

YABVU

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 30/04/2014 02:24

OP, there is no such thing as a 'totally safe' operation. The danger is the anaesthesia, not to mention the risks of heart surgery. I'm not trying to frighten you, but please don't be blinded to the risks of surgery.

I understand the biological imperative to reproduce. Believe me, I do. DP and I TTC'd for years. We were desperate to have a child. 5 MC's and learning that we will probably never have a biological child later, we're coping. Just because you want it, doesn't mean that you must have it. We are still desperate for children, but are coming to accept that it's not to be. I'll be 30 this year, btw, so even if a miracle were to happen, I'd be having my first baby at the age that is at the top of the age range for having children, for you. If your DH wants another, just not right now, couldn't you wait? Age gaps are largely irrelevant. DP's oldest brother is 10 years older than him, and they have a very close relationship and are great friends. My Dad's youngest sibling is his baby sister, who is almost 20 years younger than him and they love going for drinks and having the craic together. In fact, there's over 30 years between my Dad's oldest and youngest siblings (all 16 of them) and they still all get on.

Finally, although I would never normally say that a parent has a right to an opinion re their child's decision to have a baby, you live with your Mum. So she will have to cope with the sleepless nights with a crying newborn, and everything else that comes with it, too.

I know that you said that you and your DH reached a compromise. But is it a real compromise, or will you be wanting another baby in 5 year's time?

clam · 30/04/2014 15:39

I presume you wouldn't have minded your mum and dh discussing the issue "behind your back" if it had been your mum on 'your side.'

grimbletart · 30/04/2014 16:04

So one has a kidney problem and the other has a heart problem…and the one with the heart problem is a breadwinner for 6 (not counting mum) already.

Shakes head.

OP my strong feeling is that you should be happy and grateful for having a wonderful family and stop pushing your luck, or luck might push right back...