To be upset about this?

[devoniandarling]

Dh and I discussed the possibility of having another dc. The first time this came up was in September. In sept he said after Christmas, at Christmas he said after half term (feb), then it was after Easter.

Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me and he said ok. Then the week before I had an appointment to have my coil removed he got himself in a mood.

When he played taxi for my mother she asked him what was up and he told her about our plans. Not to dripfeed, we live with my dm and space is limited but we would cope.

He knew that my mum would be against us having another child and so discussing it with her was bound to cause a row. Basically I now can't start ttc because he has tied my hands and dm will be "dissappointed" if I fall pregnant now.

I was so mad that he went behind my back to my mother. It very nearly broke us up a couple of weeks ago and now it's like the elephant in the room, I can't mention my desire for another child and he thinks the subject is closed. If I do mention it I get the stock answer of ; "in the future". I am 30. Not necessarily knocking on a bit, but my youngest child is almost five, and I don't want to a mahoosive age gap. I want any further children to be a part of the family, not an after thought.

Dh doesn't understand why I am upset. I am upset that he went to my mum, I never go to his mum and complain about him! Even when he strayed (once, and it is in the past and forgiven) I never uttered a word to his mother. I am upset that he doesn't want us to have another child right now and I am upset that I can't be honest about these feelings for fear of him leaving me.

OP, I've studied my family history and yes large families were once the norm. However many of them died in childhood and do you really think these couples wanted masses of children? There was no reliable contraception and they had no choice but to have yet another baby every two years.

To be honest I've never heard such a ridiculous argument in favour of having another child in less than ideal circumstances.

YABVU

Your husband doesnt want another child so you if you are going to remain married you will be having no more children. You need to find something else to fill your time.

Many, many people decide the size of their family, using their head rather than their heart. I'm sure many get that feeling you describe.

A part of being a responsible adult is accepting that sometimes we can't always have what we want. We need to take other people and circumstances into account.

YANBU to feel how you do. YwouldBVU to have another child and risk your relationship.

As other pp's have said. Think about what else you can do to fill that void now your youngest has gone to school. Can you help out at play groups etc? Find a new hobby?

I think lots of posters are being unfair, having a child be it your 1st, 2nd 5th or 15th is always a selfish decision.

How many children is "enough"? When other people post about their sadness about only having one child and not being able to have a second child due to fertility/age/finances/dp not wanting another the replies are always lovely supportive and acknowledge that tge desire for a second baby is natural and normal. I think the desire for a baby is normal no matter how many children you already have.

Children don't need their own bedroom they just need a family who love them nnd want them and it sounds like op would provide a very loving home for any future children.

I'm pregnant with dc2 and I can't imagine this being my last pregnancy, I don't know that my yearning to have a baby will ever go away, maybe 2 under 2 will cure it ;)

Yanbu to be annoyed that your dp spoke to your mum behind your back, regardless of you living together it's non of her business.

I have 5DC and I wouldn't be without any of them.

But I became seriously ill only a year after having our youngest and am now disabled.There was no way we could know this was going to happen.

But for you it's different you already have a serious health issue,I'd think long and hard before having another child because believe me the guilt I feel because I can't be the same mummy for my youngest DC as I was for the others is unbearable some days and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Plus my DH has had to become my carer now God forbid the same should happen to you but if you did become really ill because of having another child(and I don't know if your GP has warned you of this but you have a much higher chance of hemorrhaging whilst delivering your 5th child and that's any women,it has nothing to do with ill health)and your husband had to become your carer how would you manage financially then?

thing is, if your body has other ideas, you do have to move on and get on with life. Unlike the OP I don't know plenty of large families (2 friends are having their 3rd this year, and that is unusual round my way, to get to 3). I do, however, know a lot of parents who have had to come to terms with having just the one, because they are unable to have 2, or 3, or 4. Me included.

And one of my grandmothers was one of 9 (3 of whom were killed in the First World War), so what? My father had 2, or maybe 3, I can't remember, siblings die in infancy, and that was in a reasonably well-off family in the 1930s and 40s. You can't possibly compare now with then on this point.

If your DH doesn't want another one at the moment, there is nothing you can do about that. It is his decision too, not just yours. It sounds like he is being more practical about it.

If you keep pushing and pushing him on it then all you will do is push him away. He has made his feelings clear, which are just as valid as yours.

DH would love another child. I am not totally sure just yet so until we are both on the same page then it doesn't happen.

A few people have been harsh, yes. But most have been compassionate and understanding of the pain the OP is feeling. It's not unreasonable to be upset, not at all. But it would be very unreasonable to let her overwhelming urge to have another child negate all other considerations. Life is not always easy and part of being a responsible adult and parent is making one's decisions in a considered way, and taking into account as far as possible all aspects of a given scenario even if it hurts. It isn't easy but it's necessary.

OP - I understand the very strong biological urge to have a baby.

But, in your case, is it something else as well? You had your first child when you were 19, bringing up children is all you've known. Do you feel that without a young baby to look after, you're not sure how to identify yourself/feel wanted? Are you scared about how your life will change if childcaring is no longer your main role?

I don't believe a couple should have a child if one of them doesn't want one. I think your DH's reason for not wanting are valid. I'm not sure your reasons for wanting one are.

YABVU and selfish. He doesn't want another child, that is his right. It is also perfectly understandable that he spoke to your mum, as you all live together. You have 4 children, enjoy them.

OP, I think you need to consider what would happen should your health deteriorate. As someone who also has similar health problems, I often think about the consequences placed on DP/family if it all goes a bit wrong, and I only have 1 DC! You have 4 children & your health, why put more strain on yourself, your DH, your Mother and your health most importantly, especially when it sounds like your DH simply doesn't want more children. I suspect your DH talked to your mum because he needed someone to talk to about it rather than an attempt to rally support for his argument. Purposely getting pregnant against their will will only lead to rows & resentment as well as a complete break in the trust DH has for you.

I too think you should enjoy the 4 children you already have. Your DH should have upfront that he didn't want more kids but let's face it 4 in a space shared with in laws is already a lot for him to face. Plus he may be worried about your health even if you think you'll be OK.

Ordinarily it would none of your mum's business but as you live together I think it was fair enough of your DH to tell her. Sorry.

Ok, an update.

I have had a full and frank discussion with dh. I told him honestly how hurt I was that he spoke to my mother, especially as we had already had two preliminary drs apps and I was about to have my coil removed. I've explained that when dc4 was born we both said she wasn't likely to be the last and that now I feel that if we don't have another soon it's unlikely to ever happen.

In return he stated that his concerns are that in five years time I would want another, and another, and it would be never ending and that the space we have, whilst it might be enough for one more it wouldn't be for a never ending stream of children! I understand this.

I told him that I really don't know how to get over this and if I did know how to stop feeling this way then I would. I am aware that its making us both unhappy and I don't want to wait forever for something that's never going to happen. (Ie him changing his mind! Again!)

He says he does want another one, he's just concerned with the practicalities and the possibility of me wanting more in a few years time.

I made an offer that I am perfectly willing to go through with if he's agreeable. I said that if we have one more baby, in the imminent future then I will take the option of any more away from myself by having a sterilisation. I am prepared to do that, going into it with my eyes open if he is prepared to try for another baby. He is thinking about it as that is his main concern. And that would be the end of any baby making.

I know it's selfish. But if we can be on the same page from ttc to sterilisation then I will accept it, and hopefully not lose my husband along the way.

He is a good father, and loves our children dearly. We can afford it, we can make space and we can agree to make it the final one. I'm praying he agrees right now, I've compromised on things as serious before for him, and I think he is coming around to understanding how important it is to me. I do love him.

I'm glad you have spoken about things and I do hope you can both come to an agreement.

But let's be clear, you haven't offered a compromise. You're still holding out 100% for what you want. But I do hope it works out for you and your family.

devon, you are being incredibly naive about sterilisation

Go and look at the current thread about how difficult it is to get referred.

Plus, this doesn't address the underlying issue, which is your need for another baby is bound up with your parents divorce and your empty nest feelings.

Rather than making rash promises to your DH which you are unlikely to be able to keep, even if you want to, why not look at some counselling?

It sounds like you are seeing things from tge same point now, that's great. I hope your ttc, pregnancy and birth/sterilisation goes well!

I am aware NHS sterilisation can be difficult to get referred for. However we could afford to do it privately if need be. I also have friends who have been sterilised locally.

I'm not holding out 100% for my own way. If that we're the case I would probably continue to have children until menopause. I'm prepared to make one more the last. Dh can see that for me that's a big concession to make. And I will go through with it. If he agrees of course!

That is good, OP, but you really ought to consider counselling. Especially if you have the funds to do it privately and see someone with specific experience on this topic

You clearly have a lot of feelings bundled up with the size of your family size, as shown by many of the comments you've made on this thread, especially your parents divorce, and your family tree.

If you can make some headway on these, it might save you a lot of pain if or when you go down the sterilisation route. Tying your tubes won't diminish your need for more children. Counselling might though.

Why don't you get your dh to have the sterilisation instead? Sorry to be morbid but if for whatever reason you find yourself remarried you may want more children. Your dh clearly doesn't.

Also, is he the same age as you or older (or younger!)?

It's good that you've spoken, but I really don't think what you have suggested will help you - you are going to carry on hoping that he will change his mind again.

I would suggest that he gets himself sterilised.

Also, I do still believe that your mum does have some say in this - she is another adult living in your house and if another human being is to come into it, yes, she does have a say. And I'm afraid if she does say no then you have to respect that, or look into alternate living arrangements.

Thats not a compromise and a child should never be part of a compromise deal, it should be truly wanted by both.

It sounds like you have never worked, what will you do when the next one goes to school? Persuade him again as cant imagaine you actually going through with the sterilisation. Your DH could lose his job or become ill, you have no back up salary and four children let alone five will cost a fortune.

We all have wants, not all of us act of them and consider the needs of others. Your mum appears to get no say in it despite it being her house. Neither do the children and it will impact on them. Less one to one time, less time to help with homework etc.

Why do you have this need for a big family?

Are you worried about what will happen when your youngest is school age?

Its good that you have talked to DH but tbh that doesn't sound like a compromise to me it sounds like blackmail.
'Agree this last time to have another baby and then I will get sterilized'

You are pushing him in to agreeing to ttc with the promise that you will not have anymore, yet the lengths you are going to, to have this baby probably don't fill him with confidence about your promise of sterilization.

You also haven't said whether you spoke to your DM and her feelings on another baby. I know you said in pp that it is nothing to do with her and you would not interfere should she have a child but considering she lives there too another baby will take up space and create tension if she does not agree.

I hope that it works out for all concerned OP and that your desire to have another child does not come at a great cost.

Erm, those of you saying the OP isn't compromising and is railroading her DH into this baby - she says that he also wants another one.

I'm baffled as to why he would think you'd keep wanting more and more though. Has the original number you agreed on kept going up with each subsequent child? Why do you want so many children if you don't have space and DH doesn't want to, and you already need to live with your mother to house the ones you already have?

I would suggest that before you make any final decisions and have that coil taken out that you get some counselling to work out if you really want children or if there's just some hole in you life you need to fill. With each subsequent child, the children you already have will get less of everything - your time, your attention, personal space, money for activities/school trips etc. Are you really being fair on the children you already have?

I have worked actually. I worked from the age of 13 to 22. I stopped working when I kept miscarrying trying to have dc2.

I also "work" now, at the dance school my children attend. I work the office to offset the fees. This means I am also able to be with my children and involved in their activities.