To be upset about this?

[devoniandarling]

Dh and I discussed the possibility of having another dc. The first time this came up was in September. In sept he said after Christmas, at Christmas he said after half term (feb), then it was after Easter.

Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me and he said ok. Then the week before I had an appointment to have my coil removed he got himself in a mood.

When he played taxi for my mother she asked him what was up and he told her about our plans. Not to dripfeed, we live with my dm and space is limited but we would cope.

He knew that my mum would be against us having another child and so discussing it with her was bound to cause a row. Basically I now can't start ttc because he has tied my hands and dm will be "dissappointed" if I fall pregnant now.

I was so mad that he went behind my back to my mother. It very nearly broke us up a couple of weeks ago and now it's like the elephant in the room, I can't mention my desire for another child and he thinks the subject is closed. If I do mention it I get the stock answer of ; "in the future". I am 30. Not necessarily knocking on a bit, but my youngest child is almost five, and I don't want to a mahoosive age gap. I want any further children to be a part of the family, not an after thought.

Dh doesn't understand why I am upset. I am upset that he went to my mum, I never go to his mum and complain about him! Even when he strayed (once, and it is in the past and forgiven) I never uttered a word to his mother. I am upset that he doesn't want us to have another child right now and I am upset that I can't be honest about these feelings for fear of him leaving me.

You are kind of BUR I love children and would really love more, I have 2 boys but we live in a 2 bed house and having more than 4 in the home isn't aloud, there is also the money issue. I'm 32 so don't think any more children are on the cards. It really annoys me when people think they can just keep having kids because they want to and not because they can provide for them. A neighbour of mine has 6, neither her or her husband work, her car cost £4000 I know this because she shouted at 1 to get off the 4 grand motor, her house is housing association, we privately rent, drive a car that cost £900, my husband works full time and I can't afforded any more children.

where have I said we cant afford it?

we make choices. financially we could cope. Even if dh were to lose his job I think we would manage. And no, we are not, and never have been, on benefits.

My kidney condition is a condition that it is believed I have had all my life. It was diagnosed about four years ago and at that time I was told that it shouldn't affect me if I made a few simple lifestyle changes and kept my blood pressure under control. For the record the ONLY time my blood pressure is ever satisfactory is when I am pregnant (without the help of meds).

Dh's heart problem started a year ago and he has an upcoming op which SHOULD cure it.

The pp who asked how the children feel, they ALL want another sibling. They are very close and enjoy being a part of a big family.

No, I would have appreciated dh not talking to my mum until we had made a difinitive decision as a couple. But whats done is done and I am getting over it.

I feel for your husband. You sound very self-centred.

I think your being really selfish, your living in your mothers home, how will the bedrooms work out when they are older?

You, your mum and partner sharing a room?!

Your husband is having a heart operation - concentrate on that first - you never know what could happen!

What happens after baby number 5 and you decide to have another one and change your mind about having your tubes tied? I think you will do anything to get baby number 5 no matter what, look after the ones you have!

Fucking hell.

This gets worse and worse.

OP, please consider talking to someone about why you are so compelled to bring another child into the world.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic or nasty but I'm not sure that it's entirely normal (sorry, can't think of another word) under the circumstances.

and what if the op doesn't fix it? I really hope that isn't the case but you can't ignore that it might not.

I think you need to leave any thought of more children until you see how your DH recovers. Fully recovers. Which could be many months. But you cannot allow your desire for more children to trump his health.

I am not living in "my mothers house". We SHARE a home. It is a home for everyone in it. A joint effort so to speak. The bedrooms work out just fine.

I have already said that we will wait until after Dh's op.

but do you have any idea how long after his op you might have to wait - you said he has an op in 2 months and the way you said it suggested that you'd be TTC straight after - I don't know how long he might take to recover, or how long it might take for doctor's to find out if the op has sorted the problem.

Also, if we go back to your OP, you made no mention of his heart problem or this operation and seemed to suggest that he was being unreasonable in prevaricating on this issue. I cannot believe that you would even contemplate trying for a 5th DC with a man with a recently diagnosed heart problem awaiting surgery. That suggests that you are, at best, dismissive of this, and think it less important that your desire to bring yet more children into the world.

That's pretty shocking.

There's a Rolling Stones song you should listen to EVERY day OP, til it sinks in...

You can't always get you want.....

Op you seem to think the world revolves around you and what you want.

Tbh, in my opening op I wasn't really thinking about his AF. It is something that is being dealt with and it didn't occur to me that he was that worried about it. Obviously I was (and am) extremely worried about his heart, but having been with him to his hospital appointments and heard his consultant discuss his options it is something I am confident they will fix. It wasn't something I linked to his reluctance to have another baby right now until his mum pointed it out.

I'm sure that confirms my self centred, selfish nature to you all, but actually if it hadnt been for me he wouldn't have been diagnosed or treated at all and could have had a heart attack as his heart tried to run a marathon on a sprint continously.

Dh loves me, and I him. I asked him if he thought I was being selfish. You'd all be surprised to find out that he doesn't think I am selfish (on this matter at least!).

And I do take care of my children. All my children. And my mother. And my husband.

And I do take care of my children. All my children. And my mother. And my husband

Why is that not enough for you? It sounds like more than enough!

I don't think you're selfish per se, but I think you're hankering over what you can't have.

I have had surgery on my heart. I was cured completely by it. It was done under local anaesthetic. I was back at work after a week.

I don't think you're selfish particularly- it's no more selfish to want another child than to expect another human being to have bits of metal stuck in their body or medicate themselves with hormones so you can have sex without pregnancy, really (obviously if your husband was sorting out contraception then it would be a different matter). It is unfair of your partner to agree to something then move goalposts repeatedly. To me, four children seems a lot already but it's not for anyone else to decide on your family size, and it's very bizarre that people don't seem to be able to understand that you live with your mother rather than staying temporarily in her house- surely people can understand that different families live in different household structures?

Has he told you that he is worried about it since this thread has been started and you've talked about it?

Ffs why are people bothering. OP clearly thinks she's right despite nearly everyone on the thread, her DH and her DM disagreeing. Not worth wasting our time.

So I can decide exactly how much of an unreasonable person someone is

It seems like you've gently 'steered' him in the direction you want; to agree on another baby. Judging by what you've said on here, I have an inkling that you will want more too.

It "nearly broke you up a couple of weeks ago"

He seems to have had a complete turnaround...

So you've already asked your existing children if they would like another sibling? Isn't that rather an unfair and loaded question? How likely are they to say no? And now you're using their answer (when it's actually not really up to them anyway) to add weight to your argument.

Low trick.

I'm sorry, but I think this all sounds very dysfunctional.

I'm sorry, but I think this all sounds very dysfunctional

With bells on.