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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this?

212 replies

devoniandarling · 27/04/2014 19:40

Dh and I discussed the possibility of having another dc. The first time this came up was in September. In sept he said after Christmas, at Christmas he said after half term (feb), then it was after Easter.

Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me and he said ok. Then the week before I had an appointment to have my coil removed he got himself in a mood.

When he played taxi for my mother she asked him what was up and he told her about our plans. Not to dripfeed, we live with my dm and space is limited but we would cope.

He knew that my mum would be against us having another child and so discussing it with her was bound to cause a row. Basically I now can't start ttc because he has tied my hands and dm will be "dissappointed" if I fall pregnant now.

I was so mad that he went behind my back to my mother. It very nearly broke us up a couple of weeks ago and now it's like the elephant in the room, I can't mention my desire for another child and he thinks the subject is closed. If I do mention it I get the stock answer of ; "in the future". I am 30. Not necessarily knocking on a bit, but my youngest child is almost five, and I don't want to a mahoosive age gap. I want any further children to be a part of the family, not an after thought.

Dh doesn't understand why I am upset. I am upset that he went to my mum, I never go to his mum and complain about him! Even when he strayed (once, and it is in the past and forgiven) I never uttered a word to his mother. I am upset that he doesn't want us to have another child right now and I am upset that I can't be honest about these feelings for fear of him leaving me.

OP posts:
SpiderNugent · 27/04/2014 20:49

he doesnt want to, there is no room and your mum should have a say as she is resident in the same home

seems like you are outvoted love

EverybodysStressyEyed · 27/04/2014 20:50

I think you sound really selfish but I know what it's like to get baby brain - it becomes an all encompassing obsession.

How old are your existing children?

Your DH doesn't want another child. That is his right and as much as you would like another you need to leave it for now and revisit in 6 months or so.

Coconutty · 27/04/2014 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coqdargent · 27/04/2014 20:52

Agree with majority above - selfish. You've got four your DH has he right to say no, would you prefer a fifth over sustaining your marriage? I want a second and DH says no, hard but you have to respect others decisions when it directly effects them...

BubbleRap · 27/04/2014 20:53

FGS stop breeding! Nobody else who's affected wants any more kids around! You're very selfish.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 20:54

You live in a too small house with four children, your dh, your mother, you have health problems and will stay there permanently.

I think this idea to have another is insane tbh!

It sounds like your dh doesn't want another. I'd be inclined to think he has his head screwed on with this one!

PicardyThird · 27/04/2014 21:00

Tbh, I think the space issue, the health issue, the mother issue are all red herrings in a way. Your dh quite clearly does not want another, and to my mind he has that right. The other issues make his rejection of the idea seem eminently sensible, but really, if one partner in a relationship really doesn't want (more) children, that has to be respected.

You have four children and seem to have no idea of how lucky you are.

clam · 27/04/2014 21:02

"Breeding?" Hmm
Come on, bubblewrap. That's a little harsh.
The OP has a primal urge for another baby. Practically, however, there are issues. But to call it "breeding" because she already has 4 children is horrid.

BubbleRap · 27/04/2014 21:06

Primal urge shmimal urge. It's not just her it affects and it'll be her 5th. Ridiculous in her position and utterly selfish.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 27/04/2014 21:15

Have to agree with bubblewrap.

clam · 27/04/2014 21:22

Yes, a number of us have said it's probably selfish. But there's no need to be quite so unpleasant about it.

Montegomongoose · 27/04/2014 21:25

You've doubled the number of children your had since you moved in.

You asked? Yes, I think YABVU and inconsiderate.

Try and focus in the blessings you have. You have your lovely children, a DH and a mum you get along with well enough to share a house.

I think that's enough, don't you?

HolgerDanske · 27/04/2014 21:26

I'm afraid that as long as your husband doesn't want any more children (and that is what he's actually saying, whether he's had the nerve to come out and say it yet or not) you can't have any more. It wouldn't be right.

HolgerDanske · 27/04/2014 21:29

Perhaps it's time to think about what else there might be for you? Sometimes, especially if you started having children quite young, I think there's almost a fear of what might be next and of having to be something else other than a mother. We like to stay with what we know.

There are other sides to you than just the childbearing, mothering, caring individual I'm sure you are. It might be good to seek some of them out. For your own sake, and for the sake of your husband, your mum and most of all your other children who will need you even more as they get older.

Original poster
devoniandarling · 27/04/2014 21:31

Having done a family tree not that long ago family units consisted of 10+ children and no one batted an eyelid. Why is four seen as a massive strain now? It's what we are here to do, to recreate. Why is it seen as wrong? And in much more crampt conditions than our relatively spacious house with big gardens! Hell one of dd1s friends mums was one of eight in a two up two down!

I accept I am being selfish but I do not accept another child would have a detrimental affect on anything. My big fear of losing my husband is because my parents marriage ended over a disagreement of whether or not to have another child after my brother. My mother wanted another. My father didn't. Coincidentally HE went on to have another child with a new partner and my mother didn't.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 27/04/2014 21:32

Must clarify that I don't mean 'just' in a pejorative sense! The years in which I parented young children were some of the happiest in my life. But I'm also very happy and fulfilled now as a mother of older children. There might be a void inside you which you are used to filling with another little one to care for, but you can find other things to fill it.

Hugs, I know it must be hard.

HolgerDanske · 27/04/2014 21:34

It's absolutely fine as long as both parents want it and are able to support them. It's not ok when one parent doesn't really want one. It really isn't. You don't know that the last, reluctant baby won't be the one that pushes things too much and ends up knocking down the house of cards. You can't take that risk.

FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 21:36

OP it doesn't matter how many children distant relatives had. Your DH does not want anymore. Families back in the day had so many children because contraception either didn't exist or was frowned upon for religious reasons when it did exist.
You are try to validate YOUR need to have a child and you are not giving a jot to what your DH wants.
Can you afford another child?

My DF was one of 14 and he lived with 11 of them as he was the youngest surprise baby. He hated it. He loves his siblings but never seemed to have quality time with his parents and was looked after a lot my the eldest daughters because his parents had to work to support them all.

You cannot make this decision alone.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/04/2014 21:40

devoniandarling
"Mum and I are close."

But not close enough to tell her that you are trying for another child.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/04/2014 21:42

Can you work and afford childcare for five or is he shouldering the financial burden for you all?

You are being selfish, he is very clearly telling you he does not want another. Your mum should have a say as she has to live with you all.

BubbleRap · 27/04/2014 21:42

Oh well you shouldn't have drip fed. The fact your ancestors had swarms of children puts a whole different light on it. Of course you shouldn't buck the family tradition. Have more kids. Who cares what anyone else wants?

Chippednailvarnish · 27/04/2014 21:44

It's what we are here to do, to recreate

Err, hate to break it to you OP, but lots of people choose not to have children and with the worlds population at 7 billion thank God they don't.

Your family life shouldn't have to revolve around your need to have lots of children.

HolgerDanske · 27/04/2014 21:46

Bear in mind, also, that as your children get older their needs become far more complex, far more demanding on you emotionally and not always as easy as feeding, clothing and loving them. They also get way more expensive. You need to consider the fact that you already have four who will need you to be able to support each of them individually in what might be very different ways. It won't always be as simple as just slotting another baby into the mix.

clam · 27/04/2014 21:52

So, if your parents marriage ended over this same issue, and it is your big fear, why on earth are you pressing on with the idea?

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2014 21:53

Don't be daft, happymummy, the op isn't working !

For god's sake, OP, you already have twice as many children as virtually everyone else. Nobody wants you to have more. Your hormones might be haywire but use your common sense. You have enough children. Focus on the ones you have, not the ones you haven't.