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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this?

212 replies

devoniandarling · 27/04/2014 19:40

Dh and I discussed the possibility of having another dc. The first time this came up was in September. In sept he said after Christmas, at Christmas he said after half term (feb), then it was after Easter.

Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me and he said ok. Then the week before I had an appointment to have my coil removed he got himself in a mood.

When he played taxi for my mother she asked him what was up and he told her about our plans. Not to dripfeed, we live with my dm and space is limited but we would cope.

He knew that my mum would be against us having another child and so discussing it with her was bound to cause a row. Basically I now can't start ttc because he has tied my hands and dm will be "dissappointed" if I fall pregnant now.

I was so mad that he went behind my back to my mother. It very nearly broke us up a couple of weeks ago and now it's like the elephant in the room, I can't mention my desire for another child and he thinks the subject is closed. If I do mention it I get the stock answer of ; "in the future". I am 30. Not necessarily knocking on a bit, but my youngest child is almost five, and I don't want to a mahoosive age gap. I want any further children to be a part of the family, not an after thought.

Dh doesn't understand why I am upset. I am upset that he went to my mum, I never go to his mum and complain about him! Even when he strayed (once, and it is in the past and forgiven) I never uttered a word to his mother. I am upset that he doesn't want us to have another child right now and I am upset that I can't be honest about these feelings for fear of him leaving me.

OP posts:
Montegomongoose · 27/04/2014 21:56

Also, do you work for a wage? Or is your DO financially responsible for you and the four children you both already have?

Can you afford it?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 27/04/2014 21:59

Personally I wouldn't risk it if I knew my kidneys were affected - I had pre-eclampsia in the latter stages of pg with DS (my DC1). DD was very carefully monitored.

Either or both of us were at risk.
That alone would worry me.

Original poster
devoniandarling · 27/04/2014 22:19

Dh works and supports us. That is his choice. He doesn't have a problem with that. Yes, I believe financially we could cope. Dcs are 11, 7, 6 and almost 5.

The reason I am "fixated" on this is I can't just put it aside. Don't you think I've tried? I've been trying since dc4 was born! It isn't as simple as accepting it, I genuinely can't get passed it.

Also I don't think I have "double what practically everyone else has". I have four children, I know of many, many families with five, six, seven kids. Most of my contemporaries have three at least.

Yes I'm selfish. We've established that. But it doesn't stop the deep feelings I have of wanting to have another child. If I could just "snap out of it" I would. Believe me.

OP posts:
FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 22:27

OP nobody is expecting you to snap out of it but you will have to face up to the truth if your DH says no to another one.
I still get pangs when I think that I will never have another baby. Sometimes it can last for days but I just force myself to get on with life. Another DC was not right for us as we have 4 and manage financially but another would mean we would struggle.
It wasn't your need for a child that people are getting at it was/is your inability to see it from your DH's & DM's side.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 27/04/2014 22:29

Sometimes we can't always have what we deeply desire despite other people maybe having more than us. It's known as being a grown up.

clam · 27/04/2014 22:29

So it's not that long ago since you had three under three, plus an older one?
I feel traumatised just thinking about that. I wonder if your dh feels the same!

clam · 27/04/2014 22:31

And where on earth do you live that 5,6 and 7 kids is the norm? Not in the South of England I take it?

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2014 22:32

But the chances are you will want another child after that, too. Everyone has those feelings. I remember feeling that when I was still in hospital after having my daughter. You have to be ruled by your head. And don't compare yourself with people years ago who didn't have contraception. You don't think all those women wanted ten children, do you?

HolgerDanske · 27/04/2014 22:33

I think that once you made the decision to put this aside, properly, I mean, it would fade and you would feel less desperate. We can't always have what we want.

soverylucky · 27/04/2014 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 22:38

You need to let go of it.

You need to accept that it's not happening and get on with your life.

Mourn it. Be sad. But move on.

Unless you both want it, it's going to be a car crash.

Forgettable · 27/04/2014 22:41

But DO you have a telly?

Original poster
devoniandarling · 27/04/2014 22:54

Yes Forgettable we do! Lol.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 27/04/2014 23:20

I think the poster who said its hard to know what your life is going to look like after you've stopped looking after small children may be on to something. If I have read you right, you had first dc at 19 and I'm guessing you've SAHM-d for the majority of that time. And now smallest Dc has gone to school you are having a sort of empty nest syndrome and looking to fill that with another baby.

But here's the thing. That baby will grow up too and you'll be in exactly the same position in 5 years time. Except 5 years older and with an unhappy DH. I think it's time to put this to one side. It's making you 'stuck' and stopping you from moving on with what could be the next, amazing part of your life.

WilsonFrickett · 27/04/2014 23:22

Oh and my DGM was one of 17. (We think. We always get confused about how many died). That's no life for a woman and my staunchly Catholic DGM went on to have the princely total of 2 children herself. Her own mother died very young you see, her body couldn't take being constantly pg for 20 odd years.

EurotrashGirl · 28/04/2014 00:45

Unfortunately, back when people had 10+ children they weren't all expected to live to adulthood :(

SpringBreaker · 28/04/2014 01:25

Perhaps your husband would like to have his wife back rather than just be a financial support to a baby making machine..

Four children is more than enough for any family. Concentrate on the ones you already have.

Monty27 · 28/04/2014 01:30

Roll back OP. You're dp says he doesn't want another dc atm.

Take if from there.

differentnameforthis · 28/04/2014 01:58

Or get pregnant and worry about the details later

Please do not do this. If your dh is really against more children, he could end up resenting you & the baby. It really isn't fair on the adult, much less the child.

differentnameforthis · 28/04/2014 02:31

It was a shitty thing for him to do I don't think it was, he didn't 'bring it up with her', she asked him what was wrong.

He lives with her, why lie?

OP, you say in one post that your dh knew your mum would be against it, then in a later post you say that she wants another GC. Which is it? If she is giving you mixed messages, I would be inclined to think they are both placating you, what with that & with his stalling.

It really sounds like the two of them think the house is full enough as it is.

Or to discuss our plans with my dh. well he opened that dialogue after being asked what was wrong, so I don't think either of them was in the wrong.

differentnameforthis · 28/04/2014 02:54

It isn't about how many people used to have, or that your dd's friend's mum is one of 10 in a 2 bed house etc..it is about what the people you live with want. And they don't seem to want to add another live to the conditions you live in.

I also cannot believe that your dr thinks your condition would remain stable during pregnancy. It is an unpredictable factor that they cannot be 100% certain about.

My 100% perfectly functioning kidney failed during my pregnancy, if a healthy one can do so, there is nothing to safe guard against an unhealthy one doing so.

differentnameforthis · 28/04/2014 02:55

And they don't seem to want to add another life to the conditions you live in.

eightandthreequarters · 28/04/2014 03:10

You should have as many DC as you & your DH want. Problem is, he does not want another, at least not now. I think you should explore with an open mind whether he actually wants another, ever. You are pushing hard, and he is still saying no. Maybe he is happy as things are.

Your mother is a red herring. It is your DH who matters, and he says no.

Have you thought about counselling to get you past this? I know it's hard to want more children and not have it work out.

I know of many, many families with five, six, seven kids. Most of my contemporaries have three at least. That's interesting, it must make things harder for you. It is actually rare to find families 'round here with more than 4 children and I'm in London. But hopefully you & your DH can get to a place where you are both happy with the size of your family. All the best of luck!

JessieMcJessie · 28/04/2014 06:51

How sad to think that the only thing you are here on earth to do is "recreate" (you mean "procreate" by the way). I pity your children if that's what you teach them.

Channel your energies into something else and face up to the fact that "I want" doesn't always get.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 28/04/2014 07:19

How many is enough? Tbh it's reading like babies are all and stuff everyone else. Where would it sleep? How would the rooms divide itself to fit? I guess your mum thinks two more are the future ones. As does dh and both didn't realise your not ever stopping, because you aren't are you? Your already dreaming of seven....

Really all the practicalities to you are irrelevant. You have decided you are more important than every man woman and child in the house. Including any future ones. Your wishes are paramount. Your needs most important.

Well they aren't. There's six in that house apart from you. You sound addicted. I'd be talking to a GP about my mental health not my other health issues, were I you.