To be upset about this?

[devoniandarling]

Dh and I discussed the possibility of having another dc. The first time this came up was in September. In sept he said after Christmas, at Christmas he said after half term (feb), then it was after Easter.

Eventually I explained to him how important it was to me and he said ok. Then the week before I had an appointment to have my coil removed he got himself in a mood.

When he played taxi for my mother she asked him what was up and he told her about our plans. Not to dripfeed, we live with my dm and space is limited but we would cope.

He knew that my mum would be against us having another child and so discussing it with her was bound to cause a row. Basically I now can't start ttc because he has tied my hands and dm will be "dissappointed" if I fall pregnant now.

I was so mad that he went behind my back to my mother. It very nearly broke us up a couple of weeks ago and now it's like the elephant in the room, I can't mention my desire for another child and he thinks the subject is closed. If I do mention it I get the stock answer of ; "in the future". I am 30. Not necessarily knocking on a bit, but my youngest child is almost five, and I don't want to a mahoosive age gap. I want any further children to be a part of the family, not an after thought.

Dh doesn't understand why I am upset. I am upset that he went to my mum, I never go to his mum and complain about him! Even when he strayed (once, and it is in the past and forgiven) I never uttered a word to his mother. I am upset that he doesn't want us to have another child right now and I am upset that I can't be honest about these feelings for fear of him leaving me.

Incidently I am one of 7 and the youngest is 10 years younger than the first and 7 years younger than me. Its a bit complicated with step siblings and all, but we all have our own individual relationships with each other, not really determined by our ages but by our personalities. We essentially all brought each other up with the usual family highs and lows of a large family. Sibling's of different ages can bring so much to a family.

I don't think it's shitty that he spoke to your mum. You live together - she should have a say in who she lives with.

If it's your mother's house - which presumably it was at least before you moved in - then the decision of more children very much involves her and it wasn't unreasonable for your DP to speak to her about this. I would assume that, living together, they are closer than many in-laws, and perhaps he wanted to avoid future argument or it looking as though you and he had gone behind her back and got pregnant again whilst knowing she wouldn't be happy with another child in the house. Just how big is this house anyway? Three adults and four children would be pretty crowded in most places... And don't you think four children is enough?

Does you looking after yourself involve your mum and husband doing a lot of the childcare for you? Or are you fit and well enough to do it without their help?

She would accept another child. She loves her grandchildren and has even said she'd like another one. I don't think it's her right to tell me when I can and can't ttc. Or to discuss our plans with my dh. She likes to be in control but I have supported her through an illness, a change of job, a depression and I look after her too. I have offered to move out with the children and dh if its too crowded/too much for, but she doesn't want us to.

I think that it IS a bit shitty that your DH spoke to your mum like this however, I do think that your mum should be entitled to have her say as your are living in her house and no doubt she helps you from time to time. Personally I think YABVU to TTC when you already have 4 DC and you have health issues.

Your mum cant be against it and want another one. You're kidding yourself.

How many children will be enough for you?

I am fit and healthy and not only look after the children and the house but her too. I do all the housework and cooking and she works part time. She does not really help with hold care as it isn't needed.

The last flare up of a problem with my health was 3 years ago and other than that is under control with pills and regular check ups.

What about your dh? Its not really about your mum, is focusing on her and her issues with you easier than dealing with your dh and his views?

Saying that she'd like another one doesn't necessarily mean she'd actually want it to happen in real life. It's the sort of thing people say.

She's not "telling you" when you can and can't conceive - if anything, it's your dh who's doing that, and he does have the right. You are living in her house and it seems as if four children is enough for her to share her space with.

Look, you asked if you were being unreasonable. The overall consensus is that yes, you are. But our opinion is irrelevant. It's you dh (and your dm, to be fair) who needs to be convinced. And he's clearly not.

4 children isn't enough? Blimey.

Who owns the house? And why did you all move in together? How big is the house? Do you all work?

Overall I think YABU - there seem to be to be quite a number of reasons why having another DC isn't a great idea.

I think he doesn't want another one because he is worried what people will think. However our children are all happy and well cared for and provided for so I think screw what other people think. He's very much of the "people will think we don't have a telly/are at it like rabbits" persuasion!

Sounds like he's clutching at straws. He doesn't want another one, but can't think of how to just come out and say it. He doesn't actually need to justify it.
Or don't you care what he thinks?

If you were my daughter/wife, space was limited and you already had four kids. I'd not want you to have any more. And that's not even taking into account your health.

I think, all chat about having another child between DP and DM is just that - chat. When you are looking at the youngest of 4 now presumably at school, the grindy bits of childcare starting to ease off, financially things get a bit better, suddenly it's 'hang on a minute, do we really want to go back to sleepless nights and nappies?'

In your case, there's also health worries. If pg puts a strain on your health, I think it's selfish to the children who are already here, tbh.

You and DH need to talk, properly. And part of that may involve giving DH the chance to say he feels his family is complete. It's really not all about you, and I think your op is, a bit.

I don't think the number of children is a factor when you get that longing for a child, it's not a feeling that is controlled by logic and I can't believe that people are actually suggesting it is. The act of falling pregnant, however, is something that can be controlled by logic and in this case you really must apply that logic as it sounds like your relationship depends on it.

The case is clearly far from closed, you must sit down and talk to your DH about the reasons he has for being apprehensive. You can't dismiss his feelings here anymore than you feel that he can't dismiss yours. It might be that he's finished having children, ink which case you have to find a way round it, or maybe he just wants to wait a bit longer. At 30 you do have some time left and you have said that your health will be good for a while yet.

I'm sure you don't want to bring a baby into the world knowing that people were not always so pleased about it's arrival, wait until the right time so that everyone can enjoy him/her.

wtf are grown adults with four kids living with their parents?

You're only 30 and have four kids already - not a problem, if you want more kids then have them BUT your DP needs to be on board and it doesn't sound like he is.
I think there is more to the story here DEVON what are the health issues your DM is concerned about?

If you and DP want more children without DM being upset/judgey then you need to find a home of your own and not have DM influences.

I think your DP went to your mum as he is not ready for more babies and wanted your mum in 'his side'

I think that you need to have a full and frank discussion between all of the adults in the house about any future dcs.

YABVU.

You both should have discussed this with your DM. She lives there too and another child would affect her also.
Your DH should not have gone behind your back but tbh it does sound like he does not want another child.
You switch from saying DM didn't want anymore dc's in the house to oh yes she would love another one. I actually think you are kidding yourself OP and sorry but I think you are being quite selfish.
You need to sit down as a family and discuss this properly. You may not like the conclusion but there is not only you living in the house or in the relationship.

Whatever your DHs reasons are for not having another child, they are valid, because he's the one that would need to be the father.

You sound incredibly selfish. It's all about what you want and nothing about the impact it would have on anyone else.

Mum and I are close. When we moved back in with them it was a decision made for the benefit OF ALL PARTIES. My mum and I spent all our time together anyway, we were essentially running two households and it seemed silly. All the adults get along and it was decided to save money and be able to provide more treats etc we would all live together. It is a concept that is alien to most but it works for us, 99% of the time anyway! We have lived together now for almost eight years and if we didn't my mother would have lost her house when she was ill and not able to pay the mortgage and we wouldn't have been able to take the strain.

Wrt whether or not I have more children and her right to a say, she is still theoritically of childbearing capability. If she had another child I would never judge her or think it my right to. And her health is worse than mine!

I have chronic kidney disease. My kidney function is currently 95% and likely to stay that way if I live healthily. Drs do not believe it will be affected by having another baby, and can change my blood pressure meds to accommodate a pregnancy.