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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 26/04/2014 20:24

There are 19 year olds out in Afghanistan getting shot at for a living. It's not too risky, provided you're sensible, to work out a way of getting yourself home at 11pm aged 19. And while it's a late finish in comparison to a 9-5, there are plenty of people - including 19 year olds - working evenings who finish anywhere between 1-6am. They cope. It's not unthinkable.

Having said all that, OP, I know you've conceded you are BU but in addition, you're tilting at the wrong windmill. Your problem isn't your daughter getting home on a Friday, your problem is that in a number of other key areas of life your H is being an arse and you seem to feel powerless to challenge that. I'd start addressing that as top priority.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 21:05

Icimoi it is about her safety. She has paid for a taxi(about £7 for those who've asked). It's not about that.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 26/04/2014 21:08

it is about her safety. She has paid for a taxi(about £7 for those who've asked). It's not about that.

OK, so if it is about her safety, how is getting a taxi unsafe? Are you concerned about her being attacked by a taxi driver?

If she is not old/mature enough to get herself safely to and from work, then she is not old/mature enough to have the job. End of.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 21:12

Mrs terry he is not my carer though. I think he thinks I exaggerate my condition. He has no compassion. Moans if I have a bad day and haven't done the housework.

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 21:15

Brdgrl that could happen( unlikely I know).
Anyway we are going round in circles now I concede IABU so lets leave it.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 26/04/2014 21:16

"There have been threads on MN where an OP has said that her DP has depression, doesn't take meds, doesn't work, expects things like lifts and he gets called a cocklodger. I am not saying that the OP is one, absolutely not.

However, the idea that the DH has to; work fulltime; do housework; give lifts forever; not complain about the (presumably quite tight) money and; suck that up forever is slightly odd. Depression is shitty but so is being a carer to someone with depression. The DH was supporting three other people and is getting shit for not also ferrying them around with a broom up his arse while chucking tenners in the air."

The double standards on MN are rife. You are spot on that if this was the other way round the woman would be told to get rid of the man as he bought nothing to her life and wasnt contributing.

MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 21:24

OP, you are nervious about a tiny risk your DD could be attacked by a booked, tracable taxi driver, which is a tiny tiny risk, she could be killed by being driven by an overtired father who crashes, also a tiny risk. She could be attacked by a colleague, also a tiny risk. But when you are depressed, tiny risks can seem far bigger than they are, and tiny problems can seem a huge deal.

Get yourself sorted, you might find you aren't half as worried about "what ifs" and can get on with life a lot easier.

the best thing you can do to improve the quality of life for your DCs is to get your depression under control. Please book an appointment to see the GP on Monday.

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 21:25

^exbrummie* tbh i think the thought of your daughter out late (it isnt really that late) and getting herself home has sent your anxiety levels sky high how is your daughter meant to mature and be a confident woman if you are fretting about her not being safe in a taxi I a m being harsh i know but you need to deal with that anxiety

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 21:25

xpost with mary

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 21:26

One last thing before this dies,people asked for other examples of shitty behavior.
When ds was little she shut her finger in a door I rang him at work and asked him to take us to A&E. (This was when he worked locally) here was too busy.
I had to ask a neighbour to take us (he did turn up at the hospital but I think his colleagues had made him see sense)
When I was ante natal classes wihen pregnant with dd the class ran over the time it was supposed to finish. When I got out he moaned that I had kept him waiting in the car(hardly my fault) sorry for typos this tablet has a life of it's own

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 21:30

I was just saying that therews a very small possibility that could happen another poster suggested it not me.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 21:36

Well if you aren't afraid of her being attacked, what why is a taxi journey less safe than being picked up by her dad? (a dad who's tired, not a taxi driver who's expecting to be awake and working then).

You could check with your DH he's happy to say if she sorts a taxi herself (possibly pre-booking before her shift) if they don't turn up for any reason, he'll come out, as a one off, that sort of thing that dads do, but every week is a big ask.

Your examples are from 20 and 15(?) years ago, has he been consistantly bad? He's not going to change then if this is how he's been for 2 decades. Get to the GP, get yourself in a stronger place and then you can actually have the energy to do something about this.

GatoradeMeBitch · 26/04/2014 21:38

OP you are NOT being unreasonable! And it's not like this is an isolated incident from an otherwise great partner - he's a grade A knobhead exhibiting grade A knobhead behaviour.

Focus on trying to get well, do you research into depression management online? Start putting a plan together. The better you feel, the more you will be able to start making your exit strategy! By the way, have you looked into possible physical causes? I thought I had depression for years, eventually I found out I had an autoimmune disorder and I now have my energy and positivity back finally. Maybe ask your GP to test your thyroid, iron levels, and for vitamin deficiencies, just to check?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/04/2014 21:38

OP, but your daughter is 19. Your examples are from when your kids were little.

I would never dream of asking my DP to leave work to take me our child to A and E. I am an adult, I would sort it myself (and have done, plenty of times).

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 21:38

your husband sounds a complete arsehole lovey I think your daughter getting her own way home is for the best to be honest then the girl doesn't owe him anything people like him love to be in control of people dont let her fall into that trap , she doesn't need him umming and ahhing about a lift it isn't fair

Burren · 26/04/2014 21:41

OP, I won't address your original question again, but all the examples of your DH's poor behaviour you have given are to do with him driving someone in the family somewhere. I don't think he sounds like a generous or caring person, but I think it would make you feel freer and more confident -and less dependent on his whims, and less anxious about your daughter - if you were to learn to drive.

I don't say that lightly - I've struggled with depression myself, this last year being a particular black hole - and I've only recently started lessons after we moved to the country with a small child, and am finding them difficult. My best wishes -I know well how difficult it is to pick up the phone to the GP, but do it and get back on your meds, and see if you can arrange some therapy. You deserve to be happier than this.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 21:48

Those are 2 big things I remember but there have been so many other things to numerousvtk mention. Most f the time I just brush them off but it doors bother me.
Dd has some things recorded on the sky box and this afternoon he asked when she was going to watch them her reply was "soon" or something to that effect.
He said he would delete them if she didn't watch them soon. Just nastiness
When I pulled him up on it he said he was "just getting things done"

OP posts:
Itsfab · 26/04/2014 21:52

I would hazard a guess that if you got rid of this controlling abusive bully your depression has a good chance of disappearing too.

Could you use housekeeping to pay the taxi but let him think your DD has paid for it?

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/04/2014 21:53

Surely as an adult you can take a child to A&E on your own? If its serious you call an ambulance, if not a taxi. I'd have not dreamed of calling DH from work unless serious and only to meet us there.

Do you serioulsy hold a grudge for that long? Surely you could have learnt to drive in all the years that followed.

Itsfab · 26/04/2014 21:55

How is deleting his daughters recording getting things done?

He sounds like he doesn't like either of you very much. What is he like with your son?

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 21:59

Exactly the same itsfab. Mind you ds has a bit of a gob on him and will stand his ground a bit.

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 26/04/2014 22:01

When your DS was small and needed taking to A&E but your DH was too busy, did you consider learning to drive then?
Have I missed the reason why you can't learn to drive? Apologies if I have missed it. It's just that if this isn't a new problem, I wonder when you are going to address it?

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:01

I don't have housekeeping.

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:02

Main reason is lack of confidence

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 26/04/2014 22:02

I'm not saying that your husband isn't an arse but you are clearly holding on to stuff from the past which is stopping you moving forward. I think you need to take some responsibility which may include getting him to shape up or ship out. I understand mental illness, more than I'd ever want to but I think this relationship is crushing you.

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