to think dh is being selfish

[exbrummie]

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

I live in a rural area myself Retropear. Both of my children learned to drive when they were 18. They are adults, I don't mind giving them the odd lift, but I sure as hell don't intend to be their taxi service, especially not on a Friday night.

He doesn't seem to have any qualms about spending money on beer or playing golf though.

Lucky old you Tinkly.

We certainly won't be able to insure our 3 when they pass their test and neither will they.I'm guessing you paid for your dc's insurance-how dependant!

We'll pay for lessons but my dc won't have a car to drive until they can pay for the insurance themselves.Which means years of saving instead of paying for taxis.We will be happy to help them save.

Like I said my Dp had exactly the same stance as Custardo's on this.Times have changed since we were young.Petrol and car insurance were affordable.There was an abundance of decent work for young people,no tuition fees to save for.....

It sounds like he has carried you financially for a long time

The OP has been carrying him domestically for a long time too.

He does one, she does the other, both need doing, why is the wage earner the more 'worthy' one?

What Amber said- with bells on!

Plenty of single girls and women have to take responsibility for getting themselves around safely.

It sounds to me OP that there are far bigger issues going on than this one, that you've decided he's unreasonable whatever anyone says and you're encouraging any resentment your daughter feels.

He might not be a supportive partner in other ways in your view but I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to act as a taxi service every Friday indefinitely.

Tbh, OP, this isn't your battle. This is between your DD and your DH. You can't change the outcome in any way as you can't offer an alternative. Your DD is perfectly capable of getting a taxi/saving up for a moped/riding her bike, etc and your DH is perfectly entitled to say, "I've been commuting to and from work all week, it's Friday night and I'm knackered!" Likewise, they're both entitled to feel a bit pissed off with each other for the other one not getting their pov.

At 19, I was at Uni, working in a bar to make some extra cash and riding everywhere on my bike, regardless of time, as I couldn't afford a car. My eldest is 17 and, if he goes to Uni in the UK, I'll expect the same from him. I do get the feeling that they are still your babies, but it really isn't a great idea to actually treat them as such. At the very least, it might be time to share with them the extent of your depression so that they can start helping you out around the house a bit more?

maybe he would like a drink occasionally on friday night to relax and wind down; loads of people on MN like wine/beer on friday night

If had to pick someone up you could not drink, ok perhaps once in a while you would not mind but not every single friday,

I was at uni at that age and got myself home she could cycle and as you say sometimes she gets a lift

I know there is more back history but on the surface it does not seen U to not want to pick someone up every friday at 11pm or later

We pay to add our 20 year old to our car insurance when he is not at University. The convenience of having him able to run our youngest 2 about makes it worthwhile. Under 20 it is just too expensive. DD is 18 and not insured.

But they have the skill now, and once they find full time work, after University or A levels or whatever, they will be able to fund their own insurance. And their job opportunities will not be limited by transport issues.

And we are certainly not saving for tuition fees either, that's another area where our children are having to be independent.

Ilovesooty I have conceded further up the thread that IABU.

if the parent offered to - and can, then he withdraws his offer he is a cock,

if it was a day shift - id say tell the DD to walk the 4 miles

but if its a late finish and its 4 miles away - its fuck all drive to ensure the safety of your daughter - why wouldn't you?

Custardo
Maybe because she is an adult.

Would he possibly teach her to drive? We recently taught DH and he passed 1st time. It was nowhere near as stressful as I imagined it would be.

*Ds not DH!

dh is an adult if he needed picking up form work once a week i would.

not sure why being and adult has huge relevance at all,

Walk or cycle is fine. You can walk it in well under an hour, and cycle in 20 minutes. It's a handy life skill to have. Buy some nice trainers and/or a waterproof jacket.

I found doing min wage jobs there is no point spending money on transport and 'extras' like snacks at work or nice clothes for work, or it just eats up the money earned.

It's nice to offer to collect your adult child from work but equally, no reason why she cannot make her own way home. OP, how much would it cost? In my small town, it would be about a fiver.

I have a 22 yr old and I wouldn't want him to be stranded anywhere at any time, but especially at night.
If he called me because he needed a lift, I wouldn't hesitate, I'd just drive to wherever he was and pick him up.

However, asking me for a lift would be a last resort for DS and I know he would attempt to work it out for himself before asking me by either walking, getting the bus, cycling, getting a taxi or arranging a lift with a Co worker.
I have been in this position when DS was at college and he worked part time 16 miles away from home and finished twice a week after 11pm. This went on for a year before he found a job with more suitable hours and in that year, he asked me for a lift twice and I went and picked him up.
The only reason he asked me for a lift on those 2 occasions was because he couldn't get a lift from his Co worker and after sprinting 1.5 miles to the bus station, he missed the last bus home.

It is a shit feeling to know your child has just done a full day at college, walked 3 miles to work, worked a 6 hour shift then sprinted 1.5 miles and still missed the bus but DS would rather have done that than relied on me.
He doesn't like to rely on anyone unless it's unavoidable.

Perhaps your DD will learn to be more self sufficient in spite of her father?
It doesn't sound like your DH will change anytime soon so surely it's better all round for you and your DD to take steps to become as self sufficient as possible and therefore not need your DH as much as you both appear to now?

If you are even considering leaving this relationship at any point in the future, taking steps towards being independent of your DH can only be a good thing can't it? Perhaps you could take driving lessons. That is one avenue to go down so you don't have to rely on your DH as much.

It is truly horrible to be in a position where you have to rely on someone who cannot be relied upon.

My daughter still gets lifts from her dad even though she has her own home, simply because he loves her. Not sure that he would like a regular commitment late on a Friday night though.
I can't judge your situation OP because there is too little to go on. You don't seem too keen on your DH and I can't tell if that's justified.

but if its a late finish and its 4 miles away - its fuck all drive to ensure the safety of your daughter - why wouldn't you?

But this isn't to ensure her safety. It's to save her around £5 taxi fare.

I've got a 19 year old, we live in the arse end of nowhere and sometimes he needs a lift. He works, atm, 2 days a week in a NMW job, sometimes more days. DH and I pay out an absolute fortune to put him (and his 17year old brother) on our car insurance.

In the OP's shoes I would not expect the DH to go out every Friday night to pick up the DD. Yes it is late, but if she is anything like my DSs and their mates 11pm is the time they go out for a night out and 4-5am is the time they come in!

In 2 months time, my 19yo will be in the Army, loads of other 19yos live away from home. Getting a taxi 4 miles on a Friday night is no biggie!

One thing I'm missing: what does your daughter have to say on this?

It seems a bit unfair that a 19 year old is being used a pawn. Maybe she'd rather have the independence of walking home on her own, or getting home on her own.

I'm a non driver, and actually find it a chore if people get themselves into a tizzy over me getting home.

I'm quite diminutive looking but LOVE sticking on sensible shoes and roaming the streets (never been attacked, never dieted, hardly ever had a gym membership, never above a size 8) and just hate hate HATE it when someone either

(1) tries to foist a lift on me

(2) even worse, tries to force someone who DOESN'T want to give me a lift to give me a lift. This happened once at a society social event, I had to sit next to a grumpy middle aged man who mumbled about how I should 'sort myself out' but I was going to sort myself out, I just wish that the other person hadn't interfered

I'm not an anomaly, loads of other people I know are like me. If you have proper footwear, an hours walk is not a chore.

There have been threads on MN where an OP has said that her DP has depression, doesn't take meds, doesn't work, expects things like lifts and he gets called a cocklodger. I am not saying that the OP is one, absolutely not.

However, the idea that the DH has to; work fulltime; do housework; give lifts forever; not complain about the (presumably quite tight) money and; suck that up forever is slightly odd. Depression is shitty but so is being a carer to someone with depression. The DH was supporting three other people and is getting shit for not also ferrying them around with a broom up his arse while chucking tenners in the air.

Op is getting a hard time here.
She has an illness and does all the housework.
I too would be worried about my dd walking or cycling at night.

No, she's being selfish to expect a lift home every Friday night.