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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 08:30

Op does housework. Her dh doesn't do it but moans if she is too ill to get it done. Doesn't sound like she does nothingand expects him to do it and work too.

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 08:35

Well curious it's not very respectful to do that.

OP posts:
coolcookie · 27/04/2014 08:36

Sound like he is bordering on financially abusive too.
In an ideal world you would be able to get a job but I know its not that simple as sadly employers rarely allow for people who may not be able to work though illness. My bil is bi polar (sp) and used to get worked so hard that he would have an episode.
Hope you get the help you need op.

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 08:36

Curious I suppose you would be happy if he deleted something of yours without asking?

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 08:37

Thanks cook

OP posts:
Gennz · 27/04/2014 08:40

I'd be annoyed but of itself I don't think it's abusive.

Also as a 19 year old living in my parents' home I would accept that this is one of the downsides.

curiousuze · 27/04/2014 08:45

I honestly wouldn't give that much of a fuck! And DH won't either.

WishiwasHenry · 27/04/2014 08:50

I'd definitely pick my daughter up.
If she had work at 6am I'd drop her off as well.

I'd also help her with her driving lessons.

It's being nice, isn't it what fathers should do without thinking about it?

I'm trying to think of any of my friends who wouldn't do it, and I can't think of any.

So, you are not being unreasonable.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 27/04/2014 08:56

I do think the Sky box thing is splitting hairs. In our family, we have a monthly 'discussion' over what we can and can't delete; including whether we really need 24 episodes of Corrie from 2011 to remain on there "just in case". Normal family life, no?!

I also agree that the car thing seems to be an issue. Have you sat down and discussed this with him? As a driver, I am more than happy to give people lifts but I have someone in my family who takes the piss and it does get annoying. I'm only human!

saintlyjimjams · 27/04/2014 08:58

My parents would have dropped me off/picked me up if convenient to them but they wouidn't have put their life on hold to do it. By 19 I was largely living away for home anyway. They wouldn't have dropped me at 6am - they had their own places of work to get to.

lottieandmia · 27/04/2014 09:00

I don't think you are being unreasonable. But then I have parents who insisted on picking me up at 3am from a nightclub! We had a time where fake taxi drivers were picking up girls and assaulting them.

I do see the other side of it about independence though. But to do this once a week is not that much to ask IMO. I also think that a taxi will cost about £10 at least which is a lot out of a minimum wage.

When I waitressed as a student and often finished very late, the hotel used to subsidise our taxi fares for us for our safety which I thought was nice.

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 09:07

Candy,he won't discuss anything once he has made his mind up about something.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 09:21

You don't like your husband much and you've made that clear.
He doesn't seem to care much whether you stay or leave.
Since you're unhappy at home it seems reasonable to suggest you might be happier without this marriage. Depression is exacerbated by powerlessness.
Your children are grown up.
Wouldn't it be a good idea to consider getting out/making some changes since your marriage seems dead in the water?

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 09:25

Sooty,I don't think he likes me out rge kids much either.
Yes I do need to get out but it's a huge step to make.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 09:26

lottie your parents were reacting to a specific real risk at the time.
And 3am at a nightclub and 11pm after finishing work are two different things.
The taxi apparently costs £7.The OP hasn't told us whether her daughter offers any contribution towards the lifts she has the rest of the week.
And judging by the depths and timescale of the resentment expressed here it's all about a lot more than this one lift or lack of it.

ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 09:30

Yes, it's a big step.
But every day that goes by without making some definite plans makes it harder.
You could begin by consulting a solicitor under the free first appointment consultation scheme to discuss your options. You could start collecting together all the paperwork you're going to need.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 27/04/2014 09:31

exbrummie Do your kids help around the house at all including does the older one pay rent? That might be one reason why he resents giving lifts.

Original poster
exbrummie · 27/04/2014 09:34

I have said further up thread that she pays rent.
Yes they do help around the house

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 27/04/2014 09:47

YABU. She's old enough to sort herself out and it's outrageous to expect your DH to make himself available at 11pm every Friday night to collect her. She's an adult, FFS! And four miles is nothing, why can't she cycle?

littlemisssarcastic · 27/04/2014 10:08

Would it help you OP to break down what steps you could take into very small ones?
First, make an appointment with your GP and get some help and support with your depression.
Second, Could you stand back a bit and let your DH and DD resolve this between them? You need your energy to help yourself get better.
Thirdly, just have a think about ways in which you can get closer to where you want to be, one step at a time.

No one would expect you to spring clean from top to bottom and go on an intensive driving course ending the week with a driving test and a car in the garage all ready to drive away with your things, but clearly you need to make a start somewhere or this situation is never going to improve, for you or your DC.

How long have you had depression which impacts on you so severely OP? I can't imagine living for a long period of time feeling so powerless. Sad

SoonToBeSix · 27/04/2014 10:12

Really , people would be happy with their 19 year old cycling at 11pm. I would never put my dd at risk like that . Your dh is lazy and controlling op and yanbu.

OTheHugeManatee · 27/04/2014 10:15

Hm, I see his thread has moved on.

Still, your DD being an independent adult is a separate issue from the state of your marriage. Your DH may be an arse - certainly it's clear you think he is - but you seem to have developed a learned helplessness that is keeping you in a relationship that is clearly not making you happy. At least do your DD the favour of making sure she doesn't start to develop the same habits.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/04/2014 10:19

Her DH is lazy? Wow. So now being the sole earner and sole driver for a family of four is lazy. The OP doesnt work, doesnt do all the housework as the teens cover some but its the DH that is lazy Hmm

Surely cycling depends on the type of place you live in. Not something i would encourage but everyone has their own risk threashold. A taxi once a week is nothing. It wont be forever, she may learn to drive, may find a job with daytime hours etc or move out of the home.

OTheHugeManatee · 27/04/2014 10:19

Are you serious, SoonToBeSix??? A 19-year-old can vote, marry, reproduce, join the army and get shot at etc etc and you'd fret about them cycling after dark? Confused No wonder I hear all these stories of incompetent first jobbers whose parents call in sick for them Hmm

sewingandcakes · 27/04/2014 10:58

I moved out at 19, worked, ran a house, got a dog, cycled to university, and yes I probably did things that were silly and put myself in danger, but I think it's part of learning to be independent. I moved back to my parents house for a while, but I do think if young adults are never taught to be independent, they'll always be reliant on their parents. Our job as parents is to teach them not to need us!

OP I hope you can find a way out of your depression and marriage if that's what you want to do.

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