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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is being selfish

324 replies

exbrummie · 25/04/2014 22:57

Dd (19)has a job involving late finishes of 11pm. She can't drive and buses here are crap and stop at about 8 pm.
Most nights she gets a lift with a colleague but he doesn't work fridays .
Dh said he didn't mind picking her up on a Friday as he doesn't have to get up for work on Saturday.
Today he has decided that this was a tempory arrangement and he will stop soon.
This will mean dd has to get a taxi home.

AIBU to be annoyed that a) he has gone back on his word and b) he would care about his daughter getting home?
She is on minimum wage so the taxi fares will eat into that.
He has form for selfish behavior.
I know the answer is she learns to drive which is in the pipeline but until then I think he should put himself out for her,I would do it in a heartbeat if I could drive.

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 26/04/2014 22:02

Do you have any money for yourself at all OP? I'm concerned that you seem to have no control over what is spent. Sad

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 22:03

this has been your life for decades no money no freedom and answering to a bully of a man it has probably become normal for you Sad

littlemisssarcastic · 26/04/2014 22:05

I'm sad to hear that you lack confidence. Would you be able to ask your GP for some support to deal with your low confidence as well as your depression?

Life seems very difficult for you OP.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:07

I have access to the joint account but have to account for every penny if I go shopping he asks for the receipt s and the change.
You are very right mrsjay

OP posts:
brdgrl · 26/04/2014 22:11

Dd has some things recorded on the sky box and this afternoon he asked when she was going to watch them her reply was "soon" or something to that effect. He said he would delete them if she didn't watch them soon. Just nastiness
Really, this is nastiness and bullying? It's fair enough, surely! In our house, the kids record shows and leave them on for ages without ever watching them, or they set it up to record whole series which fills up the system...it's really very annoying, and your DH is simply giving her notice that he's going to delete them if she doesn't watch. Even her response - it's not as though she has said "oh, I haven't watched that, but I really want to save it because blah blah, do you mind?"
I'm not saying your DH is or isn't an arse - but if these examples are your evidence for bullying behaviour, etc, I think you really are letting your depression cloud your judgement.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:14

One of the shows was from last night when she was at work.

OP posts:
HandbagCrazy · 26/04/2014 22:16

Haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has been mentioned -

When I was 17 I worked in a mcdonalds in a services - no buses and would need to walk/cycle along a busy dual carriageway in the dark. My dad collected me every shift but I had to drive home. It meant he could make sure I got home safe, I could save the taxi fare and it improved my driving no end so I passed my test faster. Would your husband consider this for a little while?

Mrsjayy · 26/04/2014 22:17

My husband gets a bit twitchy if the sky box is full but i cant believe your husband is going to delete her programmes how disrespectful

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:18

I doubt it as it would still mean him going out.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 26/04/2014 22:21

It is time to decide if you want to waste what life you have left by saying with this abuser or be brave and leave. Don't ffs think you are staying for the sake of the kids.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:26

I have told him it is over many times but can never follow it through.
He just says well if that's what you want" no emotion there.

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 26/04/2014 22:29

I have to say my big question is why he hasn't taught your DD to drive? I consider that one of the main jobs of a parent who can drive. My best friend at school didn't learn to drive until she was 25 - her dad refused to teach her in case she damaged his car. My mum gave her a few lessons but in the end she funded it all herself in order to be able to work in her preferred field. He did lots of nice things for her especially later in life but I have never quite got over his selfish refusal.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:30

That would be his reason too-damaging his car

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 26/04/2014 22:34

Grrr Angry

Ask him again. Now she's a little older he may be more up for it.

HandbagCrazy · 26/04/2014 22:36

I wasn't allowed near my dad's car - I had a £200 banger.

Reading through the thread this is clearly about more than giving your daughter a lift. Your 'D'H is being an arse.

For what it's worth, I think your DD will need to take the hit and pay for the taxi. And as hard as it is for you, I really hope you read back through this and see all this behaviour of hour husbands for what it is - selfish, heartless, bullying and petty. Leave him. I imagine without him you and your DC will find being independent leads to feeling much happier

HandbagCrazy · 26/04/2014 22:36

*your not hour

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:43

I wantto

OP posts:
Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 22:51

Offs stupid tablet!
I want to thank everyone for their support.

OP posts:
Gennz · 26/04/2014 23:17

I have read the whole thread. You are being very unreasonable!!

When I was your DD's age I had a shitty old crapper of a car that I used to get myself to my waitressing jobs. If for some reason I couldn't get there my dad probably would have picked me up once or twice, but definitely not as a "standing order". I moved out when I was 19 anyway so it's immaterial. Also deleting programmes off the skybox is not unreasonable, esp if they don't seem to be too bothered about watching them!

I'm also quite [shocked] at your examples of your DH's bad behaviour. DD shut her finger in a door 15+ years ago and he didn't drop everything to rush to A & E?? Shutting your finger in a door doesn't not sound like a good reason to call the working out of home parent out of work.

Also you were running late from antenatal class (again presumably 15+ year ago?) and your DH moaned about being kept waiting? Can't believe this is being cited as an example of his unreasonableness, my DH would def moan if he had been kept waiting and he was on chauffeur duty - it would be so standard I doubt my memory would even register it.

I do feel for you OP as depression is a horrible beast to live with but I do think you need to get out more.

Original poster
exbrummie · 26/04/2014 23:23

If you have read the whole thread you will see that several pages back I conceded I was being
Unreasonable.

OP posts:
Gennz · 26/04/2014 23:26

I did see that but then you used two ancient examples as evidence of your DH's "unreasonableness" which IMO demonstrate quite the contrary.

Bitofkipper · 26/04/2014 23:33

This is a strange thread.
Your husband sounds pretty average OP.

MaryWestmacott · 27/04/2014 08:11

Also, other than the sky box one, your examples are all cases where you've expecting him to drive you/someone else, is it the driving that is the biggest flash point? It seems you had clear indication 20 years ago that you not driving would be a problem.

saintlyjimjams · 27/04/2014 08:22

Apart from the controlling about what you spend (although I have no idea how tight things are in your house - dh & I can be tight with each other when I'm waiting to be paid - self employed) everything else sounds normal tbh. Not hugely unreasonable.

curiousuze · 27/04/2014 08:26

Oh OP come on! Threatening to delete something off the Sky box is bullying?! Please. I must be the biggest baddest bitch ever - I've just deleted all DH's MOtD without asking...