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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be embarrassed but to go anyway?

357 replies

harriet247 · 20/04/2014 21:30

Dps best friend from primary has distributed his wedding invites today. Silly me thought I was invited Blush dp and I have been together 2 years and have 1 yr old dd.
All the other girlfriends/fiances have been invited but im not on the invite,not even as a plus one :/
I understand obviously money may be a factor or they dont want children there but nothing has been said.
Its 5 hours away and in a big posh hotel, we were both looking forward ro our first night away, with dd staying with lovely gp's.
Im thinking of just going anyway, nice spa during the day then get dressed up and go and join in the evening do.
But part of me is worried that I would be kindof embarrassing myself and them too? I cant jelp but think they dont wnt me there for some reason butI dont know either of them very well so I'm positive they don't hate me etc..
Aibu to go anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
harriet247 · 27/04/2014 07:35

Imetaman is definitely the bride Grin
The banana suggestion is fabulous but tall mr.harriet is the winner!!!

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 27/04/2014 07:36

if I was dp I would be pretty offended by you not being invited. He should decline. It's really rude inviting people without partners and to just invite one partner is Confused .

If the op is an offensive loon then neither of them should have been invited.

SystemIDUnknown · 27/04/2014 07:41

Onedev - If i bumped into her now I think I would find it hard to bite my tongue! Dh is fine thanks, it was a fairly minor knee op but came at a great time for me

MaryWestmacott · 27/04/2014 08:00

Actually, I think imetaman has a good point, if other none-married partners have been invited, they know you and DP live together and have dc, it can't be a "married/not" division, nor can it be a definition about how serious a relationship is, because having a house together and dcs pretty much ensures you meet that criteria. And it can't be the couple don't know about you!

So there has to be a reason for this, a snub that most people would know means the end of a friendship unless they make a big effort to explain.

Op, is there anything you can think of for them doing this? Your DP definitely shouldn't go, because this is far more insulting than him not being invited to his friends wedding- unless you have done something to make this justified, he really can't have anything to do with the couple again...

jaynebxl · 27/04/2014 08:19

So there was never a reply to the text? That's outrageous and I would definitely both boycott the wedding. And send a quid by bank transfer for sure.

nochips · 27/04/2014 08:30

have gone through the whole place and am now marking place. :)

Original poster
harriet247 · 27/04/2014 08:33

No I get on great with all dps friends, they are spread over the country so we dont see that group much, I havent met the bride but the groom and I get on, like I said we are the first couple with a child, so in all honesty I think it is to do with that- no childreb invited afaik. Groom did seem very suprised that I work (part time) even though we have dd.
So yeah, either that or dps ex could be going but she dumped him 3 years ago now :)

OP posts:
Ratbagcatbag · 27/04/2014 08:35

Meh, our evening do was gate crashed by about 20 people, that I'd either bumped into or forgotten to invite in the first place.
So the guy who gave me away, his son, dil and grandchild were coming up for the weekend, just bring them.
My family are not close, only had a handful of relatives attend, one I've not seen since I was about three was making real inroads to build bridges with mum, day before I told my mum to invite them (uncle, aunt and cousin)
Two others just turned up
Around ten had messages through various friends, where we'd said if you see x,y and z tell them the evening dos at x.
To be fair we had over 200 people there, I have no idea on half the guests but as me and dh work at the same multinational company, I've had many conversations in the past few years when people say "ooooh you looked ace in your dress" my response "wow, thanks, glad you enjoyed it" who the fuck are they??

We also had what felt like 3 million kids there too.
I'm obviously fairly chilled, but we were just having a big buffet that we put on with friends, so our only limits were the venue.

We'd have loved you at ours. When I get around to renewing my vows in another twenty years you can come and do living on a prayer. Grin

nochips · 27/04/2014 08:38

also, sometimes these things are just a genuine oversight.

DH and his brother are not that close.Live opposite sides of the country, dislike each other and never talk.When we got married we invited him,but not his girlfriend as they had broken up (we thought). Cue massive temper tantrum as apparently they had gotten back together by then,but we were never told. So BIL refused to come. Sent us abusive texts and made abusive drunken telephone calls. (He was in his 40s at the time). Honestly, if we had known he was with his partner (now an ex again) then we would have invited her.

I know that if not your situation, OP. Just saying sometimes a mistake has been made.

nochips · 27/04/2014 08:45

i wish i could spell today. That is not your situation OP.[sheesh Needs second cup of coffee.]

Anyway, you would SO be welcome at pur party- I might have to record the Living on a Prayer though for posterity.

PansOnFire · 27/04/2014 09:04

This couple sound awful, the groom is willing to risk his friendship with your DH so he doesn't sound like a friend worth having.

I'm not understanding this " oh they're probably so very stressed arranging the wedding" and "you've put them in an awkward position". It's a wedding FFS! A day where you make vows and have a party, why people think this is a time where manners, etiquette and respect for friends goes out of the window is beyond me.

'Deciding' which partners can come is awful, I know there has to be a line drawn somewhere but making judgements on who is a serious couple and who is not? What!? Seriously, if you respect your friends you make budget cuts in other areas and not cutting your friends from the guest list. Fair enough if you do though, but deal with the consequences afterwards.

You don't sound entitled at all OP, I'd be as confused as you by not being invited to a wedding where my DP was involved. My general 'rule' was that DP and I both went or neither of us did, particularly if it involved an overnight stay.

Don't bother with them now, they've made it clear they don't respect you or your DP as a couple. TBH, the bank details on the invite would have done it for me! Confused

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 27/04/2014 09:31

DH didn't get an invite to his (close) cousin's wedding. He didn't bother contacting her or his aunt to see if there had been a mistake, he just went along as his sister's plus one. As it happened, he was sat in the church, looking through the order of service, when he discovered for the first time that he was doing a reading Confused

StealthPolarBear · 27/04/2014 09:38

I'm still pmsl from:
A lucky chimney sweep whos father was cruel, who danced alone in his attic bedroom to the music coming from his glamorous neighbours house. Ever since has been drawn to the music and bright lights of a wedding, dreaming to some day take to the dance floor and blossom into a beautiful flower to 'im horny'

Original poster
harriet247 · 27/04/2014 09:47

updaaaaaaate
Finally! So, groom phoned and is absolutely mortified-he was on training exercise this week so not allowed his personal phone.
What has happened is this;
He left the guest list to the bride who has basically invited only people she has met, thr venue has a capacity of 200 and now there is no room left. If, when they get the rsvp back and someone says no then I shall be Invited. He feels very very stupid because he forgot about some people, whos weddings themselves they attended (!!) Who have texted saying congratulations and whats the date etc etc who have obviously assumed their invites were a done deal so to speak. He has had to tell around 20 people this morning that they are on a back-up list :( .
Dp saif that he really feels for him but we come as a two, and he doesn't want any bad feeling about it or for them to fall out at all. Groom understands and is very sorry. He said it has all been a bit rushed and he hasn't had much to do with the planning, and with it all happening in less than 7 months from when he proposed hes not really sure what is going on!
What a mess hey?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 27/04/2014 09:48
Shock so the two of them are falling out over the guest list?? Though I do feel it's a bit convenient...
UnderthePalms · 27/04/2014 09:51

Even if the pp had committed some heinous faux pas, like shagging the groom, they would have been better off inviting neither the op nor her dp than inviting just the dp.

UnderthePalms · 27/04/2014 09:54

Sorry, hadn't read latest update when I wrote that. What a mess!

XiCi · 27/04/2014 09:54

I'm sorry but that story is so improbable that I can't believe it's true. Can't believe it's taken them that long to come up with such a crap excuse, though they were put well and truly on the spot!

ImSoOverIt · 27/04/2014 09:57

That'll serve him right for being so pathetic - I would like to think when/if me and dp get married, we will sit down together and work out the guest list rather than him just leaving it up to me as it is women's work!

A bit wet of your dp's friend IMO.

UnderthePalms · 27/04/2014 09:57

So how is he going to decide which of the people left out fill any spaces? How silly they didn't seem to consult each other over the guest list

really1234 · 27/04/2014 09:58

Wow. You'd really leave the guest list to only one of the couple?!?! Shock That sounds strange and rather foolish.

Original poster
harriet247 · 27/04/2014 10:02

Absolutely true, guides honour! I can believe it from him, hes a very nice bloke but very womens work/mens work type. He did say when he visited that he was choosing his own suit and turning up at the right time,and thats as much as he could handle. What a prat.

OP posts:
UnderthePalms · 27/04/2014 10:07

That attitude has come back to bite him now

NorthLDNgal · 27/04/2014 10:17

harriet247 - glad you got a response although it's a bit rubbish that he hasn't involved himself in the guestlist. The bride should be asking him if his friends have partners even if she hasn't met them. Bah.

I'd still arrange to do something else and not be part of the back up list. If the groom can't take care of things that affect his mates then that's not good enough.

If you and your DP and DD are happy, you don't need the acceptance of your DP's friends. If they can't give it to you like real people then I'd consider moving on and not giving them much time.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 10:33

What a sap! Seriously go as a giant gate crasher!!!