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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be embarrassed but to go anyway?

357 replies

harriet247 · 20/04/2014 21:30

Dps best friend from primary has distributed his wedding invites today. Silly me thought I was invited Blush dp and I have been together 2 years and have 1 yr old dd.
All the other girlfriends/fiances have been invited but im not on the invite,not even as a plus one :/
I understand obviously money may be a factor or they dont want children there but nothing has been said.
Its 5 hours away and in a big posh hotel, we were both looking forward ro our first night away, with dd staying with lovely gp's.
Im thinking of just going anyway, nice spa during the day then get dressed up and go and join in the evening do.
But part of me is worried that I would be kindof embarrassing myself and them too? I cant jelp but think they dont wnt me there for some reason butI dont know either of them very well so I'm positive they don't hate me etc..
Aibu to go anyway?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 26/04/2014 20:13

Line that's awful....

A 'smug marrieds' only wedding as Bridge would say....

How rude

EverybodysStressyEyed · 26/04/2014 20:50

I had a restriction on 'casual' partners

So I invited other halves if they were married, lived together and/or we had met the partner. I really didn't have the budget to invite someone I had never met and may never meet!

One guy did turn up with his girlfriend which was unexpected so after the ceremony I rearranged the table he was on to squeeze her in so they didn't know. They split up a fortnight later.

MaryWestmacott · 26/04/2014 20:55

Linerunner - did the bride and groom know she was doing that? And what did they say? i'd have been so pissed off if I found out my mum had uninvited a whole pile of people just before the wedding, surely they'd have already paid for the food, sorted the seating plan etc?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/04/2014 21:04

wouldnt you like to show up to the venue.....dressed as a banana

Bank details on the invite? No. I simply don't believe it.outrageous.
You can set up a direct debit from their account with that. Wink

SystemIDUnknown · 26/04/2014 21:06

Linerunner - I have had similar at a wedding.

I was invited to my cousins wedding as a singleton - it was a no child wedding (fair enough) but there was no sign of dp on the invite which surprised me. I assumed it was down to budgeting, so fine.

Then I discovered that an acquaintance of both mine and my cousin had received an invite AND a plus one (that's how well my cousin knew her...she had 'plus one' as she didn't know her oh's name).

I asked my cousin if there was a reason dp wasn't invited. Got the reply 'Well sorry but it's not a free for all...we're not inviting boyfriends and girlfriends, only proper couples' (ie marrieds).

Riiight. So my dp, who has been my partner for TEN YEARS, with two children...doesn't qualify. Cousin and her kids have been to our house numerous times, babysat for each other, her and her dp have been on a couple of nights out with me and dp etc.
However, our acquaintance who got married after SIX WEEKS (of knowing this person btw), and had been married for three months at the time of the invite, her dh qualifies because they acted like teenagers and arranged a quickie meeting at the registry office. Mmm.

onedev · 26/04/2014 21:36

That's terrible System - how did you get past that as I think that would have been a deal breaker for me (both attending & continuing to be friends!)?

DebbieOfMaddox · 26/04/2014 21:46

IIRC traditional etiquette is that you must invite spouses and fiance(e)s, and that couples who live together are "presumed to be secretly engaged" Grin so come under that heading.

Fannydabbydozey · 26/04/2014 22:09

My ex and I had been together for 8 years when his brother got married after a whirlwind romance of three months. At first I wasn't invited. Then when ex protested that he wouldn't be going then, they relented. I wasn't on a table in the same damn ROOM. there was an annexe off the main room, a sort of tiny, freezing conservatory, with just enough space for one of those metal garden tables and three tiny garden chairs. I was in there with two other people. It was horrid. There was no tablecloth like everyone else had, and not enough space for our plates and glasses. That was my punishment for not being married. Fuckers. Mean fuckers.

LineRunner · 26/04/2014 22:47

MaryW, we really didn't know who was organising the wedding in the end. Just sent polite notes saying sadly it was now not possible to attend. There must have been so many empty seats....

stayanotherday · 26/04/2014 22:53

That's rude. Does it not occur to these people they might regret in the future pushing people away? I would understand if somebody said they were having a small reception and invited a small number but this is blatent. They're the sort who later on moan about you not bothering with them.

You're lovely op. Ignore the sarky posters. I wouldn't bother with these people and hope they don't want a favour in the future.

BillyBanter · 26/04/2014 22:53

I recommend wearing black so you will look even smaller and wearing a black veil so they will not know it is you.

SystemIDUnknown · 26/04/2014 23:00

OneDev - I didn't end up going. Dp had a letter through for an operation he had been waiting for for a year, which was the day before the wedding. So he would have been very much laid up the day of the wedding and unable to look after the kids.

I apologised that I wouldn't be able to make it (I was actually relieved to have a reason!)...this was nearly a year ago and I haven't seen or heared from my cousin since. SHE is the one who is wronged apparently, because I didn't go.

IMetAManWhoWasntThere · 26/04/2014 23:08

Well I think you're pushy and entitled definitely.

Your "comedic solutions" aside you were genuinely considering turning up to an evening do you were not wanted at. Who does that seriously? Hence - entitled.

Your DP also put pressure on them by saying he would pay. Putting them in an awkward situation by being pushing.

We have no idea what you are like as a person. We do not know the bride and grooms side of the story either.

My friend has been with her partner for four years and I do not like the man (he's cheated on her, he's rude, attention seeking etc) but I would still invite him to my wedding because I'd want my friend there. I know by not inviting her that could possibly test our friendship.

You said the groom is either very good or best friends with your DP so he clearly knows that by not inviting you this would most likely test their friendship. So it would seem reasonable to believe it was not a decision taken lightly and they probably have a good reason why they have not invited you.

Sqveeze · 26/04/2014 23:10

Nothing useful to add, but loving your thread Harriet.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/04/2014 23:12

IMet you sound a little invested!

You're not the bride are you?!

But seriously, everyone else is taking this in the light-hearted vein it's meant.

I'm sure Harriet is genuinely pissed off about it, I would be, but she's not actually considering doing any of this! still think she should go dressed as a banana. And her dp a gorilla

Fanny I am Shock at that!!! What did your ex do?!

UnderthePalms · 26/04/2014 23:21

What was the ringmaster with the moustache scenario that someone suggested? Someone mentioned it but I missed it. Sounded funny

UnderthePalms · 26/04/2014 23:23

Could you and your dp pretend to be one person to enable you to go op? All it would need would be for him to sit on your shoulders and to wear a very long coat. Worth considering? Grin

LineRunner · 26/04/2014 23:28

Or go as a pantomime horse.

NachoAddict · 26/04/2014 23:48

My dad and his wife brought her grown up grandson to my wedding uninvited. He wasn't dressed in wedding clothes either.

Fannydabbydozey · 26/04/2014 23:53

Oh wedding clothes...

I once went to a wedding where one of the bride's best mates turned up in a floor length ivory silk gown...

In fact most of the weddings I've been to have featured some oddity

IMetAManWhoWasntThere · 26/04/2014 23:55

I'm sure Harriet is genuinely pissed off about it, I would be, but she's not actually considering doing any of this!

Confused

Well I know that. As I did actually say in my post about "comedic solutions aside".

But she was actually considering going to the reception as an evening guest when she blatantly wasn't invited (basically what the whole aibu was about.)

LineRunner · 27/04/2014 00:00

So it's like sneaking into a disco.

onedev · 27/04/2014 00:39

System - that is shocking. I'd have had to tell her the truth as someone should have pointed out her rudeness.

Hope your DH is ok.

kavv0809 · 27/04/2014 00:54

UnderthePalms that was brilliant! Can just picture suspiciously tall and wobbly Mr Harriet sipping bubbly at the reception and covertly feeding some through his coat buttons...

IMetAManWhoWasntThere · 27/04/2014 01:14

IMet you sound a little invested!

Why? Because I'm going against the tide? Confused

So as long as I agree with the OP and find this thread hilarious then I can't be accused of being invested.

I was offering the opinion that the majority of people invite their friends and their partner to their wedding. To not invite a partner there must be a reason and because we will only get one side of the story we won't know whether this reason was genuine or not.