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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MY DH has chosen a house to rent in a Rye, Kent without telling me

170 replies

ginajacques · 20/04/2014 08:53

My husband has a job working in Canterbury, ashford, those areas of kent, I'm very happy where I live with my son in the north west, he currently drives home for weekends but has said the journey back is too much for him, my son is in an excellent school and I'm not sure I'd cope alone in Kent. I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London to make it easier for me to visit people as I'm self employed I won't meet people or mix with people all day like he will. I will get depressed on my own so much in Rhy that's 2hrs from London and so far away from home, but he's not prepared to have a commute to work, he likes cut off sea side towns, I like to be near a city. He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked. I'm really annoyed that he won't compromise, it's all about him living in a listed building, with cobbled streets and he doesn't seem to care that I will be utterly miserable and cut off from everywhere, he's even told me that's where he's living he doesn't care if I go with him or not that's the area he's moving to. No sure what to do. I also am struggling as he gives our son no discipline what so ever so I'm enjoying him being away mon-fri I don't think I could live with him full time, he gives me no attention and just acts like our son's best friend givng him sweets when ever he asks behind my back, and when I try discipline him for something he tells me off in front of our son which gives them a bond and makes me feel like the hated one by my son and him.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 08:56

YANBU to be pissedoff.

anonacfr · 20/04/2014 08:57

Can you just stay where you are?

SESthebrave · 20/04/2014 08:58

YANBU and it sounds like you have bigger problems than just whether to move to Rye or not :(

Mythago · 20/04/2014 08:58

Gosh, why not just stay where you are?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/04/2014 08:59

Does he ever compromise or take your wishes into account? Can you afford to stay where you are? Maybe this is a good opportunity to take stock of your relationship as it doesn't sound fair or happy.

slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 09:00

is this Rye near camber?
near battle?

slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 09:01

is he the dad of your ds?

numptieseverywhere · 20/04/2014 09:02

you're a family. You are self employed so can work anywhere I presume?
If my husband found a job 200 miles away, I'd go. The important thing is to keep the whole family together, no?
Kent has some great schools and it has grammar schools too.
I made the same move as you many years ago, north west to south. There are more opportunities down this way, in many different careers, and we couldn't have achieved as much if we'd stuck where we were.

cakeymccakington · 20/04/2014 09:03

I should wave him off and count yourself lucky. Thenfile for divorce. he sounds like a nob

2rebecca · 20/04/2014 09:03

It sounds like this is a marital problem not a housing issue. If I was the main wage earner and having to commute from my family during the week and my husband wasn't willing to move to where I worked so that I could see more of my family and not spend hours on the motorway I'd consider the marriage over.
Why will you be lonely if you will then be able to see your husband during the week as well as at weekends? Can't you get a job there or join clubs etc? If you're self employed won't you meet some people in your work? You won't be cut off from everywhere, you'll just be living somewhere different with different people.
If you can only cope with your marriage as long as you rarely see your husband then it's over isn't it?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 09:04

Numpty, OP is prepared to move south, she wants to have some say in whereabouts, though. Wouldn't you?

MairzyDoats · 20/04/2014 09:05

So if you don't go will he still come home at weekends? Is he trying to leave by stealth? Complete lack of willingness to compromise does not a happy marriage make...

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 09:05

"I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London"

From the OP.

insancerre · 20/04/2014 09:06

shouldn't moving and changing your sons school be a joint decision?
if you dont want to go then you need to have a serious discussion about your future together

BiscuitCrumb · 20/04/2014 09:07

Personally I think it's more important to keep the family together. He shouldn't have chosen something without your opinion. But how can you be happy living in the nw with your dh in the se 5 days of the week? Unless you don't like your dh much and then well why bother anyway.

aermingers · 20/04/2014 09:09

I can understand why you're cross.
But it might be worth giving it a try. Nothing is really cut off and remote in the South East. And 2 hrs is also not that far from London and you will be in easy distance of Maidstone, Canterbury , Rochester and not too far from Bromley and Croydon and Brighton.

I really think you have a bit of a skewed view of how isolated you would be there, I can assure you it wouldn't be as bad as you think.

pinkdelight · 20/04/2014 09:09

This is major stuff as others have said, not just about Rye. Why don't you want to be with your dh as a family? How come he works at the other end of the country? Can he not possibly get a job nearer to home? Has he no choice but to work there? How long would he expect you to be based in Rye? Do you work or is his income essential for the household? There are so many factors to take into account before anyone can say who is really being unreasonable, but it maybe more of an issue that you're not working together as a partnership and planning what's best for your family in the circumstances. The fact that you like him being away because you don't like his parenting style is a bad sign.

wheresthelight · 20/04/2014 09:09

To be honest I think you have bigger issues than moving to Rye (which is stunning and if you can drive to Ashford the high speed link gets you to London in about half hour ish).

You say you like him being away and don't think you could live with him full time. To me that says you don't have a marriage. I think you need to decide if you want to be with your husband at all.

Legologgo · 20/04/2014 09:09

Oh god. Where to start?

Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 09:13

I could but it would be a struggle financially, and DH is DS's dad. I think everyone is right, I do have a marriage problems, if everything was perfect though, I would still be annoyed going to Rye where the transport links are rubbish to London and we would be so difficult for my mother to visit, I said I'd go to Canterbury or a bit more central Rye is just to Rural, for me

OP posts:
BiscuitCrumb · 20/04/2014 09:13

You say my son a lot except once where you refer to him as our son? Is your dh your son's dad?

You really don't sound like you like him or not and are looking for excuses to keep him out of your life?

BiscuitCrumb · 20/04/2014 09:16

Cross posts.

So you don't want him in your life, it's just better financially to keep him in your life but not full time. Errmmmm. This doesn't make you look good at all. You say you're willing to compromise, but I really don't think you are. I think you're making excuses.

Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 09:17

thank you everyone for your replies they're really good to read and have given me stuff to think about

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 09:17

The DH in question doesn't seem to want to compromise, it's a rural seaside town or nothing for him.

Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 09:20

biscuit crumb, I enjoy seeing my son so happy to see him weekends and can get through the none discipline for a weekend but living together e full time is hard when we don't agree on parenting with our son, but as were married and he's my sons dad perhaps I just have to find a way to make it work

OP posts:
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