MY DH has chosen a house to rent in a Rye, Kent without telling me

[ginajacques]

My husband has a job working in Canterbury, ashford, those areas of kent, I'm very happy where I live with my son in the north west, he currently drives home for weekends but has said the journey back is too much for him, my son is in an excellent school and I'm not sure I'd cope alone in Kent. I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London to make it easier for me to visit people as I'm self employed I won't meet people or mix with people all day like he will. I will get depressed on my own so much in Rhy that's 2hrs from London and so far away from home, but he's not prepared to have a commute to work, he likes cut off sea side towns, I like to be near a city. He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked. I'm really annoyed that he won't compromise, it's all about him living in a listed building, with cobbled streets and he doesn't seem to care that I will be utterly miserable and cut off from everywhere, he's even told me that's where he's living he doesn't care if I go with him or not that's the area he's moving to. No sure what to do. I also am struggling as he gives our son no discipline what so ever so I'm enjoying him being away mon-fri I don't think I could live with him full time, he gives me no attention and just acts like our son's best friend givng him sweets when ever he asks behind my back, and when I try discipline him for something he tells me off in front of our son which gives them a bond and makes me feel like the hated one by my son and him.

Rye is lovely, although it gets very touristy in the summer and if it's coastal living he wants, he could have chosen somewhere better and with less of a trek to Canterbury and Ashford.

Having said that, you've obviously got much bigger issues than where you live. I understand why you'd be furious about what he's done, but would you have as many objections if the relationship was happy?

OK, so no alternative viewpoint allowed. OH is being perfectly reasonable and her OH is a gobshite of massive proportions. Right!

OP is probably also at the end of her tether. As merci points out she has posted that she doesn't feel wanted or loved.

Sorry gina, talking about you is rude. But I am trying to offer up a view that contradicts your own. It might help you evaluate your position. I am not trying to tell you you are right he is wrong (only you know what is best for you and your DC).

BUT is your OP absolutely honest? Or is part of it frustration and loneliness? You won't parent form the same page if he is a weekend dad, he will be the spoiler, the yes man, the one who says without thinking, that mummy s the bad guy, cos he wants his DS to love him and has days worth of loving to compensate for.

Is your OH as bad a s the pencil sketch you have given or is he, like you, struggling with making it all work at the moment?

Is it all done and dusted, he can stay South you aren't moving cos live is currently too good to change? You don't love him? You want out?

If not then you are going to have to put aside that "haven't I compromised enough" thought and be more proactive about moving, your OH has told you he needs the change. Are you willing to accommodate it or not?

Nom - The OP was willing to move. But her DP couldn't even be bothered to include her in the decision about what house they moved to. This is a case where the OP is being asked to make ALL the compromises. personally I don't think that is a basis for a happy marriage.

Rye is in East Sussex not Kent, not sure if that really makes a difference though! I'm not far from Rye.

I do believe in sticking together as a family but it's concerning that your H is not willing to compromise here, his way or not at all which is worrying.

Just seen others have posted that too, sorry!

Johnny Depp has a house in Rye. For that reason alone you should go.
And it's East Sussex not Kent

But what had the OP done about moving? Looked at houses in Kent? Looked at right move? Talked about a timeline for moving? Any of this?

Sorry Greenie (I seem to be disagreeing with you on a couple of posts at the moment) but OPs OH has also made a lot of compromise with working and travelling so far from their home.

It isn't a question of who does more of what? It comes down to does the OP see her marriage continuing?

Who has the biggest slice of the compromise cake is utterly irrelevant. If the marriage can continue then someone has to make the big move.

As I said, there are so many here telling OP that she is right, her OH is unreasonable (probably leading to LTB) it feel wrong, unbalanced. So I am offering an alternative. A real life alternative where things aren't always 100% fair and balanced, where sometimes, if you really want something to work, you have to be the one who gives up something to make it happen.

OP deserves alternatives....

I wonder if he is, the problem is he won't talk to me hence why I am on here!

No problem with you disagreeing with me.

I think it is understandable that OP's DP wants to move. But exactly where is a joint decision that you need to both discuss and agree on. Not just one partner saying - right I like it here, so this is where I am moving too.

Also neither of them seem to actually love each other any more. Surely that matters?

Nom - The OP was willing to move.

The trouble is, that doesn't come over from her posts. The original one is full of how she's very happy where she is, she wants to stay near her son's school and is convinced she won't cope 'alone' in the south. It's also full of a lot of unrealistic and downright incorrect information about Rye which rather reads as if she's totally set her face against it without doing the most basic research. She also says it's her husband who has been doing the commuting back to her at weekends, not vice versa.

There must have been some warning before DH began his job, and she's had around three months since then to go househunting but doesn't seem to have done anything much about it. I can understand why he might ultimately have decided he didn't have much choice but to go ahead and not wait for her any longer.

Gina, you may have to bite the bullet and do the sit down and talk thing.

You'll have to do the compromise here too, be the reasonable one who wants to explore all possibilities, including the chance that he is right and you are building barriers for some reason.

You might find, after much shouting, arm waving and daft ultimatum setting, that you can find an agreement. I won't say compromise as that would suggest one of you would still be unhappy. It has to be an agreement.

The reason I say you will have to 'be the grown up' is because you are the one who is here asking. If it was him, I'd say the same

Good luck working it out.

I would like to move to Rye (East Sussex)

Bollox. He rented a house with no discussion? None?

It's over. He's planning a new life. Maybe a new woman.

Get your shit together and consult a lawyer. I'm so sorry.

Nomama - Have you read the part where the OP says she doesnt think she can cope living full time with her DP? Or where she says she thinks her DP doesn't love her?

You are treating this as purely a practical issue about a house. I think the DP needs to be questioning whether she wants to stay in this marriage at all.

I think you'll find living together different to him seeing him at weekends only. ATM he's playing the role of weekend dad and being the 'fun' parent. Do you resent him slightly for not being the one who lays down the law ever - sets the rules and follow consistency?

Btw - I'd also move to Rye. Hastings is not to far away and has plants for a family with a young child.

Grennie, I realise OP has doubts about the marriage, the trouble is that there is another side to the story in the two reasons she gives for believing that - the issue with the house, and the issue with the son. It's at least possible that OP's DH has gone ahead with the house because OP isn't doing anything, and that maybe spoiling his son a bit when he's really tired from driving 250 miles and doesn't see him much is at least understandable. So if those are the main reason OP has for being doubtful, I think she should at least be asked to think whether there is a point of view other than her own before we all gather together to bring a stranger's marriage to an end.

Your biggest most important issue is Definatly not where you live or if he commutes?

You adults can survive that can't you?

both of you're main concern should be the welfare and happiness of your child.

The sweets issue sounds like he is young? If dh works away a lot, and so does mine,it's very tempting for the absent parents to 'spoil' the child a bit as they don't see them very much.

We called it being like the 'Waltons' keeping it perfect for when dad is home.

I think your ds is forcing the issue here. Commuting is hard, working away is hard.

I am sorry but unless your son is doing GCSEs or is a teen he can move schools without much of a problem. Kids settle.

You sound like you are just making excuses to stay apart but want to keep him as as you like the money.

You both need to talk.

Nennypops - IME most people are very reluctant to end a marriage, and try and make it work, long after it is over. I have been with my DP for 22 years, so this isnt sour grapes. But I think a minimum requirement of any marriage, is that you should be happy to spend time in each othesr company. And if 2 days a week is as much as you can take, that is sending you a big message.

I also think it is very wrong to go ahead with something as big as a house, whatever your reasons. You need to talk and resolve things.

Yes Grennie, I have. That is the reason I am trying to point out an alternative. OP has been living alone during the week for long enough to feel totally estranged, picking on any little thing and blowing it all out of proportion. She may have wound herself into a position she finds it difficult get herself out of. She may be having difficulty sorting out how she really feels, what is really from OH and what is from her.

I don't see that I have made it all about the practicality of moving at all. I have suggested is that she has an honest second look at the situation before she consigns her OHs behaviour and her marriage to the bin. I haven't said it is a purely practical issue, though it is a purely practical issue that has brought it all to a head.

I have said that reading the majority of posts here will only reinforce her image of her OH as a complete twat who needs bombing out of her life.

Such agreement may make her feel better temporarily but is that the right thing for her? Or is she too utterly frustrated and digging her heels in to keep what she knows intact?

I am trying to be helpful rather than being all irate because some damn man has asked a woman to do something his way!

Like the money..??
Again, why the assumption that OP is financially dependent on this man??
She has never said that!

Nomama - I think you are telling her to save her marriage at any cost to herself. That advice is quite usual. But I think it is the opposite of what the OP needs to hear.

There are certainly worse places - many worse places.

Presumably, the DH is currently staying in a hotel midweek so wants a proper home nearer to his work regardless of whether OP moves down or not, so has chosen this one as ideal for him..

Some of OPs objections seem to be about moving per se - my son is in an excellent school and I'm not sure I'd cope alone in Kent...as I'm self employed I won't meet people or mix with people all day like he will ... it's so far from home. Also regarding DH's more lax attitude to discipline; it will be the same whether in Rye or Tunbridge Wells.

Others objections seem to be specifically about Rye, without finding much out about Rye - like it's not in Kent, it's not on the coast, its not remote (it even has a station) it is not 2 hours from London. I also agree with someone upthread that it is likely to be easier to make friends in a small town like Rye, rather than a commuter place like Surbiton.

Grennie, I appreciate that this is only the written word but I really do not see how you read that into my postings?

I am simply trying to balance all the negative posts, I have said that two or three times now. You are misreading my posts. I am saying that gina should not throw away her relationship without one last totally honest look at the situation. She needs to identify what is making the thought of moving so impossible, then she can make the right decision for herself.

What is wrong with that?

Because it is not moving that she is saying is impossible. She is saying she doesn't want to live with him 7 days a week, and she is unhappy that she had no say at all in exactly where they lived.