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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MY DH has chosen a house to rent in a Rye, Kent without telling me

170 replies

ginajacques · 20/04/2014 08:53

My husband has a job working in Canterbury, ashford, those areas of kent, I'm very happy where I live with my son in the north west, he currently drives home for weekends but has said the journey back is too much for him, my son is in an excellent school and I'm not sure I'd cope alone in Kent. I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London to make it easier for me to visit people as I'm self employed I won't meet people or mix with people all day like he will. I will get depressed on my own so much in Rhy that's 2hrs from London and so far away from home, but he's not prepared to have a commute to work, he likes cut off sea side towns, I like to be near a city. He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked. I'm really annoyed that he won't compromise, it's all about him living in a listed building, with cobbled streets and he doesn't seem to care that I will be utterly miserable and cut off from everywhere, he's even told me that's where he's living he doesn't care if I go with him or not that's the area he's moving to. No sure what to do. I also am struggling as he gives our son no discipline what so ever so I'm enjoying him being away mon-fri I don't think I could live with him full time, he gives me no attention and just acts like our son's best friend givng him sweets when ever he asks behind my back, and when I try discipline him for something he tells me off in front of our son which gives them a bond and makes me feel like the hated one by my son and him.

OP posts:
Nennypops · 21/04/2014 12:29

I agree a spouse doesn't get to dictate where the family lives. However, there has to be a bit of reasonable give and take, particularly in the current job market. If the position is that one partner can only get a job 250 miles away, whilst the other has a job that can be done anywhere, it isn't really reasonable to dictate that the only way the family is going to stay together is if the one who has to move travels 500 miles every weekend. Morris, would you really say that in that situation, particularly with a child in the equation, the partner in question is doing more to promote family life by insisting on living near her mum?

whatever5 · 21/04/2014 12:49

I think that your marriage is in big trouble if he has decided where is going to live and doesn't care whether you go with him or not. If you and your son are happy in the North West I wouldn't consider moving until you have had some marriage guidance counselling and are clear on whether you have a future together.

supportworker · 21/04/2014 13:01

I think what stood out for me in the OP was the insistence that she doesn't feel she can live with him full-time, so she clearly won't have been making waves to get them all down to a place where they can both work, she is quite happy to live up north, with him paying and ignore the fact that he is driving up and down the country every weekend to see his 'wife' and his son.

It stands out that she has, despite knowing for three months that they will be moving, decided to enroll her son in a school (for September start) in the NW clearly showing she has absolutely no intentions of moving South with her husband.

So he has got himself a place in the SE where he has told her he needs to be for work and told her she can come with him or stay behind. Her biggest issue with this seems to be that he funds her life up north and things will be very different when he has a base in the south.

Lots of red flags but I've not been given enough information from the husband to say whether any are coming from him. Plenty from the OP though, she wants out of this marriage but likes the convenient financial arrangement she has at present and is loathed to lose that. Well she has a choice to make.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/04/2014 13:07

She can only apply for a place from her current address though. We have no idea what the original agreement was re the weekly commute - I know people for whom this is their long term solution. A month ago OP posted on education threads that the commute was proving too much for her DH so she wanted to find out about schools in TW.

She would have applied for a school place on or before 15 jan ie quite possibly before the DH got/started the current job and certainly before the commuting had become a reality.

Be fair.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/04/2014 13:08

And until they had agreed between TW, ashford, Canterbury etc etc - how was she supposed to make late applications for any kent schools?

Nennypops · 21/04/2014 13:15

Morris, OP has posted a fair bit in local/education threads about possible schools and did only start this thread yesterday morning.

I can find two short threads about schools in mid March and nothing more. The main one petered out after someone pointed out that Tunbridge, which OP was inquiring about, would still be a horrible commute from where her DH was working. That's got to be around three months minimum after she knew he was likely to get the job, it's not lightning speed.

MaryWestmacott, I think you are making some fairly hefty assumptions here, bearing in mind we are only getting one side of the story. You complain that DH didn't think his wife should have any say in where they live, yet the evidence is that she's reluctant to move and didn't even begin to think about it till around a month ago, since when she doesn't seem to have done a whole lot. Is there not room for a scenario where the man gets totally fed up with living in hotels and commuting for 10 hours every weekend and thinks "sod it, I'll have to rent something I like just to get her and DS down here, we can then start looking for somewhere permanent". It might not be the wisest way to go about it, but it's understandable.

I agree that there seem to be a number of problems with the marriage, but maybe OP needs to be honest about why she doesn't want to live with DH rather than putting all the blame on him.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 21/04/2014 13:23

Why shouldnt she be reluctant to move?? I would be reluctant to move. I am settled, ds has a good school, my family are near, I have a support network here. If my husband got a job down south, for whatever reason, damn right I would be reluctant. (Not being engineered in a Stepford laboratory)

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/04/2014 13:36

My note to Morris was more about the bona fides of the OP.

She may or may not have done other research off MN, of course...

MelonadeAgain · 21/04/2014 13:38

If the OP would be happy to live in Canterbury, has she been down to Canterbury to find suitable houses to rent there?l

CecilyP · 21/04/2014 13:42

Morris - I agree, it's mental that so many people are missing the point! The fact that Rye is nice misses the point that he's got a job in Ashford, she's agreed a compromise of moving to Tunbridge Wells as that would suit her job and their DS as well as her DH's job, and he just decided that he wanted to live somewhere nice, and didn't think his wife should have any say in that.

Mary, I know it seems like we are missing the point and, of course, it would have been better if OP had been asked. But Rye is actually very handy for Ashford - only 22 minutes on the train, so a very sensible choice for someone working there but not finding Ashford itself particularly attractive. I don't think Tunbridge Wells is any sort of compromise - it is miles away from Ashford and about an hour by road or rail. OP does not have an outside job, she works from home, but would like to travel to London occasionally. OK, Rye is further away from London than TW, but OP would not be doing it every day. People have also been saying how nice Rye is because OP was so negative about it and many of her complaints were factually incorrect.

There does seem to be a lack of communication between this couple on both sides. OP has not been particularly communicative with us, hasn't responded to questions and did not tell us that her DS has not yet started school.

eightandthreequarters · 21/04/2014 13:45

I adore Rye. But that's really not the point.

OP, you sound like you are having serious problems with your marriage. It sounds like, ideally, you no longer want to be married to this man. You are staying for your son, not for yourself. Is this accurate?

If so, imagine this: you move down to Rye (lovely seaside town, but not your cup of tea). You decide that living with him FT is hell on earth and you want out. You have now given up the family home, your DS's school, friends & family support, and frankly any hope of moving back. Because you will come back on here in a year's time, saying you want to move you & DS away, and your soon to be exDH is now getting a court order to stop the move. And everyone will tell you that YABU to move that far from DS's Dad.

Now, though, the shoe is on the other foot. It is your DH who is leaving you & DS behind to move to Kent. If you were a strong, happy, committed couple with great communication and love and understanding, then this could work. Sadly, that's not what you've got.

I would strongly suggest that you not move an inch. You two need to work on all sorts of issues before you trap yourself in the south of England, where you never wanted to be, with a man you don't want to be with anymore.

eightandthreequarters · 21/04/2014 13:46

I adore Rye. But that's really not the point.

OP, you sound like you are having serious problems with your marriage. It sounds like, ideally, you no longer want to be married to this man. You are staying for your son, not for yourself. Is this accurate?

If so, imagine this: you move down to Rye (lovely seaside town, but not your cup of tea). You decide that living with him FT is hell on earth and you want out. You have now given up the family home, your DS's school, friends & family support, and frankly any hope of moving back. Because you will come back on here in a year's time, saying you want to move you & DS away, and your soon to be exDH is now getting a court order to stop the move. And everyone will tell you that YABU to move that far from DS's Dad.

Now, though, the shoe is on the other foot. It is your DH who is leaving you & DS behind to move to Kent. If you were a strong, happy, committed couple with great communication and love and understanding, then this could work. Sadly, that's not what you've got.

I would strongly suggest that you not move an inch. You two need to work on all sorts of issues before you trap yourself in the south of England, where you never wanted to be, with a man you don't want to be with anymore.

eightandthreequarters · 21/04/2014 13:47

Sorry don't know how that posted twice!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/04/2014 13:58

Again, this thread was started less than 36 hours ago.

Nomama · 21/04/2014 15:21

I agree, Doctrine.

Gina now has a huge amount of information to plough through. She will need a good strong cuppa to read some of it without coming to the strong realisation that her OH is the absolutely worst type of gobshite in the entire universe.

Good luck thinking it through, gina. I hope you find something here helpful Smile

iamsoannoyed · 21/04/2014 17:36

OP, it sounds like you have a number of serious issues which you and your DH need to sort out.

However, regardless of all the issues, including whether the OP has or has not procrastinated about moving (although she does mention places she has said she's prepared to live/things she's deemed necessary for her happiness and work), her DH was totally unreasonable to rent a house without consulting her first and then just expect her to move. Especially as they cannot afford to run both households. Even if they split he will still have financial obligations towards his DS- can he meet that as well as the rent on this family home?

Whether the area is nice or not is irrelevant. Sure, she should probably do a bit more research before totally writing it off, but he doesn't even appeared to have checked basics- such as do the local schools have places for his DS to attend? Which suggests he either rushed into it because he loved the house, got carried away and forgot to check out these things (irresponsible at best, selfish at worst), or he simply doesn't care if the other members of his family's needs are met.

I can understand the reluctance to move from a place you know, where you have friends and family and where your DS is in a school you are all happy with. Especially when you are going to move a place where you have no support network and worry you'll feel isolated, and don't know if you'll get your son into a decent school.

It ok to be reluctant to move because of your spouses job. I would be reluctant too. I might drag my heels as well, even if my relationship with DH was good. That said, if moving really was the only option I would do it. However, OP doesn't say whether this was the only job her DH could get, or one he chose to take, nor what their original plans were (i.e. was he going to commute, was he planning to try and get another job in NW but hasn't been able to, or was the plan always to move to the SE?).

All of that said, your main issue is your relationship with your DH is not on an even keel, so to speak. You have communication issues and you don't feel loved by your DH (and maybe he feels the same about you?). You don't even seem to like each other much- you can only put up with him 2 days a week and he doesn't seem to care much whether you come or not.

OP and her DH clearly also have different ideas about parenting. In my opinion OPs DH is being out of line to tell his wife off in front their son, even if he feels she's being OTT or if the reason is that he worries about not seeing DS enough and just wants to spoil him as a result. Children need consistency, not point scoring from their parents- if there's a difference of opinion parents need to thrash it out in private and not in front of their children. This would be a big problem for me too.

I think it's hard to know, but it sounds like both OP and her DH could be being unreasonable on a number of fronts. But on the house front, her DH has most definitely been unreasonable IMO.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/04/2014 17:56

Wise post, iam

BleachedWhale · 21/04/2014 18:01

Rye is handy for Ashford, but the journey to Canterbury would be terrible, right through all the big queues for the motorway at rush hour. Run ridge Wells to either would be a terrible journey too. No logic in TW.

Where does he actually work , OP? Big difference between Ashford and Canterbury, location wise.

But I agree, don't do anything unless you think your marriage is a goer, and you want it to be a goer.

windchime · 21/04/2014 18:41

Rye is in Sussex, surely.

ginajacques · 23/04/2014 15:12

The doctrine of snatch in response to:
"Morris, OP has posted a fair bit in local/education threads about possible schools and did only start this thread yesterday morning."

I have been researching schools in kent for some months and taken a lot of time to do so that's why I was looking at Tunbridge Wells but then he's come home telling me Easter weekend were moving to Rye.

I'm actually in Rye now looking at it, still not happy at the position I've been put in but I'm considering the place all the same!

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