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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MY DH has chosen a house to rent in a Rye, Kent without telling me

170 replies

ginajacques · 20/04/2014 08:53

My husband has a job working in Canterbury, ashford, those areas of kent, I'm very happy where I live with my son in the north west, he currently drives home for weekends but has said the journey back is too much for him, my son is in an excellent school and I'm not sure I'd cope alone in Kent. I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London to make it easier for me to visit people as I'm self employed I won't meet people or mix with people all day like he will. I will get depressed on my own so much in Rhy that's 2hrs from London and so far away from home, but he's not prepared to have a commute to work, he likes cut off sea side towns, I like to be near a city. He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked. I'm really annoyed that he won't compromise, it's all about him living in a listed building, with cobbled streets and he doesn't seem to care that I will be utterly miserable and cut off from everywhere, he's even told me that's where he's living he doesn't care if I go with him or not that's the area he's moving to. No sure what to do. I also am struggling as he gives our son no discipline what so ever so I'm enjoying him being away mon-fri I don't think I could live with him full time, he gives me no attention and just acts like our son's best friend givng him sweets when ever he asks behind my back, and when I try discipline him for something he tells me off in front of our son which gives them a bond and makes me feel like the hated one by my son and him.

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 09:20

go and give Rye a look, you might be surprised

Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 09:21

ok I will Does anyone live there??

OP posts:
Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 09:22

all I know is it's rye in kent, on the coast?

OP posts:
Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 09:22

yes he's the father of my son,

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 09:23

go and look at it, its lovely.

SanityClause · 20/04/2014 09:27

Rye is lovely, slardy, however, having your DH totally dismiss your input into any part of your life together is not.

Grennie · 20/04/2014 09:27

I would be furious if my DP did this. But if you don't want to live with him full time, and it is fine to feel like that, then maybe it is time to end this relationship?

mercibucket · 20/04/2014 09:28

if you move there, what happens if you split up? you dont sound very keen on living with him, tbh. i would worry about a marriage breakdown miles from all your support.
can you afford to maintain two homes?

Grennie · 20/04/2014 09:28

You don't have to find a way to make it work. Making it work takes two doing that. That is not what is happening here. Making it work in this context, means going along with what your Husband wants.

Pinksuitcase · 20/04/2014 09:29

I live near Rye, its just in East Sussex tho, not Kent, its lovely, lots of pubs/ restaurants/ tea rooms and independent shops in the town centre. But very touristy in the summer. There are a few parks and a swimming pool too.

The communte to Canterbury from there will be over an hour however. It does have train connections to Ashford abt (25 mins)which links to the high speed service to London in 37 mins. Or Brighton in an hour or so.

Some great beaches nearby, Camber and Winchelsea are nice.

No major supermarket in Rye its self, just large local chain jempsons, but Tenterden abt 20 mins away has a Tesco and Waitrose and more lovely shops/ restaurants.

Hope this helps x

badtime · 20/04/2014 09:35

Rye is lovely, but it is a pain to get to from London. And as Pinksuitcase said, it's not even in Kent, but in East Sussex.

If he's working in and around Canterbury and wants to live by the sea, surely Whitstable or Herne Bay etc would make more sense?

Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 09:40

yes this worries me

OP posts:
Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 09:43

I'm cross with him, I can't help it, he's just fell in love with a house HE wants to live in with cobbled streets, being a listed building with no consideration for me,

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 09:44

FFS.

It doesn't matter how lovely Rye is, what matters is that OP is expected to move there without any input.

"He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked"

Grennie · 20/04/2014 09:45

Neither of you sound as if you are really in love with each other?

slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 09:48

well of course it matters how lovely Rye is, it is not like he wants to move somewhere dire.

supportworker · 20/04/2014 09:48

I think I would be concerned about being closer to London, the closer you get the more struggle there are for school places, the less quality of life (really) you will get. There are a lot of benefits to growing up rural, even if that means that you are a bit put out.

I can see a lot of attraction about going towards cities but actually, nothing that would make my kids lives better, now they are here it has to be all about decent schools, decent provisions (parks etc) and less crime. Places like Maidstone? I wouldn't choose to raise a child there.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 09:50

No it doesn't, slarty. Her DH wants her to do what he wants on a fundamental issue without listening to her opinions. That's a big problem whatever the "quality" of the thing he wants.

Chunderella · 20/04/2014 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jacks365 · 20/04/2014 09:51

gina can I ask how much effort you have put into looking for a suitable property and how long this situation has gone on for?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 09:54

"he's even told me that's where he's living he doesn't care if I go with him or not that's the area he's moving to. "

The gentle art of compromise is lost on this one...

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 09:56

You haven't even looked at the place and you've decided it's in the middle of nowhere and you won't contemplate it? Have you actually looked at anything in the Kent area? Are you seriously surprised that dp isn't too keen on having to spend 10 hours of every weekend driving because you don't want to move?

For all you say you'd be willing to move, that isn't really what comes over from your post - you put so much emphasis on ds' excellent school and your belief that you will be isolated and will never make friends. What mystifies me is the fact that you are so convinced that Rye is in the middle of nowhere and it will be so difficult to see people? It has a population of 16000, and as people have pointed out it actually isn't a long journey to the big towns in Kent and even into London.

You are complaining that dp won't compromise, it is reading rather as if you won't compromise either if you haven't even been to look.

Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 10:01

he's in his 3rd month of working there, I've been to kent and wanted to live in Tunbridge wells other people in his work live in Surbiton which is nice, I just don't want to live in a seaside holiday rural town, I think we have bigger problems than were to live, he's moody and I don't think he loves me really, just our son, I think were still together because of our son, he has two previous marriages with three other children and isn't the most reliable I'm scared of my son resenting me if I leave his dad, for loosing his dad :(

OP posts:
BearsInMotion · 20/04/2014 10:03

Rye is lovely, but I agree that's not the point. I'd be furious if DP unilaterally decided where we were living and then said if I didn't like it he'd go alone. If he'd said, "I really like it, I'd like you to think about it, view a few houses and see the area", fine, but to go ahead and rent somewhere is way out of order.

slartybartfast · 20/04/2014 10:03

isnt tunbridge wells really expensive? Shock

although I guess Rye is expensive as well.