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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MY DH has chosen a house to rent in a Rye, Kent without telling me

170 replies

ginajacques · 20/04/2014 08:53

My husband has a job working in Canterbury, ashford, those areas of kent, I'm very happy where I live with my son in the north west, he currently drives home for weekends but has said the journey back is too much for him, my son is in an excellent school and I'm not sure I'd cope alone in Kent. I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London to make it easier for me to visit people as I'm self employed I won't meet people or mix with people all day like he will. I will get depressed on my own so much in Rhy that's 2hrs from London and so far away from home, but he's not prepared to have a commute to work, he likes cut off sea side towns, I like to be near a city. He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked. I'm really annoyed that he won't compromise, it's all about him living in a listed building, with cobbled streets and he doesn't seem to care that I will be utterly miserable and cut off from everywhere, he's even told me that's where he's living he doesn't care if I go with him or not that's the area he's moving to. No sure what to do. I also am struggling as he gives our son no discipline what so ever so I'm enjoying him being away mon-fri I don't think I could live with him full time, he gives me no attention and just acts like our son's best friend givng him sweets when ever he asks behind my back, and when I try discipline him for something he tells me off in front of our son which gives them a bond and makes me feel like the hated one by my son and him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ginajacques · 20/04/2014 10:03

that's true, but aren't I already compromising by moving, i'll take a look at the place I think I'm just scared

OP posts:
BearsInMotion · 20/04/2014 10:05

Actually I've just realised he's "chosen" to rent it - what does that mean? Put down a deposit or just seen it online and decided he'd like it there?

tallulah · 20/04/2014 10:05

YABU. Commuting weekly from the SE to the NW is a horrible chore and I'm not surprised he doesn't want to do it anymore. It must be costing him a fortune too.

As others have said Rye isn't even in Kent and is hardly a remote backwater. There are other people living there. Shock

From what you've said it sounds like you don't even like your DH so perhaps take this opportunity for you both to go your own way?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 10:07

" If he'd said, "I really like it, I'd like you to think about it, view a few houses and see the area", fine, but to go ahead and rent somewhere is way out of order."

^^This.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/04/2014 10:11

I think so many of you are spectacularly missing the real point, which is that her H constantly undermines her in front of her son, (which is really fucking shitty) and she can't really handle having him around.
That to me says "stay up North with IfNotNow where it's safe and maybe consider seeing a divorce lawyer" NOT "Ooh, lets think of naice villages near Canterbury for OP to upsticks and drag her family to.

Aside from that, YES, marriage is a partnership, but I take it he was the one who decided to take a job 200 miles away to begin with.
Not much consultation or compromise going on there, was there?
And why the assumption that OP's H is the main earner? I don't recall her saying that.

Thirdly, and not really the point at all, seaside towns in the South East can be awfully depressing off season. That's why there is so much heroin use..

Nomama · 20/04/2014 10:15

Alternatively...

OPs DH has been hating the current situation for ages. He has suggested a move and OP has agreed, but done nothing. He got tired of waiting and found what is, for him, the perfect house. OP had agreed so he did the hard work and found a new home.

Rye is lovely, not far from anywhere but still lovely and quiet. Good schools there too. Writing it off as a seaside holiday rural town without having been is sad. Your DH loves it, your son will too, what kid wouldn't?

YABU. Both you and your OD are. You need to hear him clearly.... he will be living there, the rest is up to you. You can hear that as the last word of a selfish twat or the frustrated blurtings of a man at the end of his tether.

Responses here follow the usual ' all men are nasty bastards', yours may just be tired and frustrated.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/04/2014 10:20

He has been there 3 months. Not 3 years. And did she even agree to him taking the job in the first place?

All men are not nasty bastards but:

" No sure what to do. I also am struggling as he gives our son no discipline what so ever so I'm enjoying him being away mon-fri I don't think I could live with him full time, he gives me no attention and just acts like our son's best friend givng him sweets when ever he asks behind my back, and when I try discipline him for something he tells me off in front of our son which gives them a bond and makes me feel like the hated one by my son and him."

CecilyP · 20/04/2014 10:21

If you don't want to live at the seaside, Rye will be fine as it is not on the coast. It really is lovely (much nicer than Surbiton) but, I agree, it would have been nice to have been asked.

I think you are worrying unecessarily about a lot of things; Rye is a small town but not really in the middle of nowhere, you will have access to larger towns and to London. There is no reason to be lonely; you will make new friends. However, if you are not really sure if you want to be with your DH, this may be time to take stock.

LittleBearPad · 20/04/2014 10:21

seaside towns in the South East can be awfully depressing off season. That's why there is so much heroin use..

Bit of an overreaction don't you think?

Rye is lovely - you should go and see it but you also need to think about how you want your marriage to work.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 10:26

I must say, I'm slightly choking at your idea that Surbiton is a better place to live than Rye.

I don't understand why you say he's not prepared to have a commute to work? Surely if his work is in Canterbury and Ashford he will be commuting? Or are you blaming him for not being prepared to commute to the North West? That really would BU. If you are self-employed and it doesn't matter where you live, then I would think your husband's job is the one that must be prioritised.

IfNow, you do realise how difficult finding jobs is these days, don't you? You are making a massive assumption on the basis of no evidence whatsoever in assuming that OP's husband had much of a choice in that regard. The man's been doing a 250 mile a week commute for weeks to see his family, does that really sound like someone who is that selfish?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 10:29

"OPs DH has been hating the current situation for ages. "

It's been 3 months.

"He has suggested a move and OP has agreed, but done nothing."

What is it she is supposed to have done?

"I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London to make it easier for me to visit people as I'm self employed "

". He got tired of waiting and found what is, for him, the perfect house. "

She's already told him why that wouldn't work for her.

mercibucket · 20/04/2014 10:30

he has been commuting for less than three whole months poor diddums

he has two failed marriages behind him - why? did he try to isolate them from their friends and families? did he unilaterally move area? any patterns there?

does he stay in touch with his other children? are they down south or is he also moving away from them?

you dont think he loves you

your problem is not which town to move ti

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 20/04/2014 10:32

Do we think that the OP's DH searched exhaustively in areas that would suit both their needs before he happened to come up with something absolutely perfect for him and totally crap for her?

And then said she should go with him unquestioningly and that he'd go there without her if she didn't?

What an astonishing coincidence.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 10:38

Thinking about dh's potential AIBU:

I have a job working in Kent. DW wouldn't contemplate moving down there before I started the job, so I've been spending 10 hours every weekend driving home to see her and ds and I'm now exhausted. She is self employed and admits she could work anywhere. She won't travel down to Kent to see me or look at houses in the places where I would like to live. She keeps saying she can't move, because ds is in a good school, even though there are plenty of very good schools in Kent. She is also convinced that she won't make friends or see anyone, and seems to think anywhere outside the major towns is in the middle of nowhere. Now I've found an absolutely lovely house to rent in Rye that I've fallen in love with but she won't even come to look at it or the town, and insists that it's in the wilderness because it would take 2 hours to get to London - actually it would take one hour.

She also goes on about the issue of discipline with our son. She exercises really heavy discipline all of the time, whereas I think it's counter-productive and just occasionally we should lighten up with him. I don't think it will kill him to have the occasional sweet, and I have been known to speak up when I think she is being over strict. It's difficult to talk about this properly when I don't see DW much and am exhausted from a full week's work and travelling when we meet.

I don't want to spend several more months living in lodgings while DW procrastinates so I finally decided what the hell, I might as well take the place in Rye, it's only rented so it's not as if it's an irrevocable decision, but she's now telling me I'm a twat. ISBU?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/04/2014 10:45

yy about the other families! Where are they in all this?

I am just finding it hilarious that, just because Rye is naice, people think OP should stop moaning and move there!
She works from home, and knows no-one. Believe it or not, sitting in a listed house in a sleepy quaint town miles from civilisation is not everyone's idea of perfick.
I know jobs are scarce, but I would like to know more about his decision to take the job down south actually OP.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 10:45

"He has suggested a move and OP has agreed, but done nothing."

What is it she is supposed to have done?

Maybe gone down there and done some househunting? From what she says, virtually all the travelling has been one way. If she is self-employed and her mother lives near where she is now and can look after ds, it wouldn't really have been THAT difficult.

Also maybe do a bit more research? I'm still faintly gobsmacked that she condemns Rye out of hand for being 'too rural'. It's a town, ffs!

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 10:47

But, IfNot, she makes out she was prepared to move to Surbiton. If anything, it's easier making friends in a small town than a big impersonal suburb.

rinabean · 20/04/2014 10:48

There is no situation in which OP is the unreasonable one. You do not move your wife and child to a house you chose on your own like they are your furniture.

OP he's already only there 2 days a week, you don't sound like you'd miss him...

IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/04/2014 10:48

She HAS been down to kent nennypops. She even said she WOULD consider moving there.
It's just that her H isn't interested in her input in any way, including when he tries to isolate her from her own son.

Gruntfuttock · 20/04/2014 10:50

"I just don't want to live in a seaside holiday rural town"

That doesn't describe Rye at all. It's not on the coast for one thing.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 10:54

IfNow, I was careful not to say that OP hadn't been to Kent. However, on her own admission she has totally condemned Rye without bothering to find out anything about it or looking at the house DH has found, and her entire original post is really all about how she doesn't want to move South at all.

MaryWestmacott · 20/04/2014 10:57

Refuse to move unless it's a house that suits you all. Not just him. Stay where you are, he wants you to move, then he can fit round al of your requirements.

We live in Kent, I'd love to live at the seaside, or in one of the small, pretty villages, but DH needs to be on a fast train commute to London, so we're in a town in North Kent. In a couple you find a property that fits everyone's requirements, not just one that suits one party and expect the other person to put up with a much harder life so you can have your dream pretty house.

Tired of waiting for you to move? It's been 3 months, you said Tun Wells, did he make any effort to view properties there? Or Tonbridge or Sevenoaks or any of the other towns with less than an hour commute to London?

Can he get out of the tenancy? If not, then stay put or move to somewhere that suits the family in Tun wells until he's out of it. As point of principle I would never stay the night in that house.

mercibucket · 20/04/2014 11:01

i dont think he loves me really, just our son

only me that sees the massive flags waving here?

CecilyP · 20/04/2014 11:03

Well yes, but I think the DH could reasonably be thinking the same thing.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 20/04/2014 11:09

No mercibucket! There are so many its like a communist party rally!

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