MY DH has chosen a house to rent in a Rye, Kent without telling me

[ginajacques]

My husband has a job working in Canterbury, ashford, those areas of kent, I'm very happy where I live with my son in the north west, he currently drives home for weekends but has said the journey back is too much for him, my son is in an excellent school and I'm not sure I'd cope alone in Kent. I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London to make it easier for me to visit people as I'm self employed I won't meet people or mix with people all day like he will. I will get depressed on my own so much in Rhy that's 2hrs from London and so far away from home, but he's not prepared to have a commute to work, he likes cut off sea side towns, I like to be near a city. He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked. I'm really annoyed that he won't compromise, it's all about him living in a listed building, with cobbled streets and he doesn't seem to care that I will be utterly miserable and cut off from everywhere, he's even told me that's where he's living he doesn't care if I go with him or not that's the area he's moving to. No sure what to do. I also am struggling as he gives our son no discipline what so ever so I'm enjoying him being away mon-fri I don't think I could live with him full time, he gives me no attention and just acts like our son's best friend givng him sweets when ever he asks behind my back, and when I try discipline him for something he tells me off in front of our son which gives them a bond and makes me feel like the hated one by my son and him.

but if op moves soon she will have had a good few months worth of living there before the new school year (iirc he hasn't yet started Reception), and had a summer near the coast. If it becomes apparent that it is a mistake they can look for somewhere more to her liking and move before October half term. Frankly I'd pick Kent over Surbiton any day, especially given where he is working.

no it's a ridiculous £1500pcm! when he moves he won't be able to upkeep our family home in the NW, he's acted in haste

"my son is in an excellent school "

I read that as he had already started.

A lot of family sized properties would be a similar price in SE. You can hold your ds' current school offer while taking time to decide and perhaps visiting .

No on the TW threads he is only due to start in September but clearly op has invested a lot of time and research into gaining that place, where as Kent/Sussex is very much unknown.

The OP has said that she is happy to live on Canterbury, where the DH actually works.

So he's made a decision that means you'll have to move? and then once you are there, you'll be stuck.

He needs to get out of that contract, if he's not prepared to back down or even discuss it, I really wouldn't move away from your friends, family, support network and job in order to keep him happy, because if he's so unprepared to discuss a major life change with you, it's unlikely your marriage will survive.

Ah, ok.

OP, has your DH investigated possible schools near his rental and how full they are?

Your problem is communication not moving. You need a serious chat about where to go from here.

Surbiton? Do you mean Sevenoaks? Surbiton is miles away in the wrong direction in Surrey

Never been to Rye. Apparently it has seven seas lol. Appalling behaviour.

so he pays for your home in the North West even though he has to continually drive back and forth across practically the whole country.

Sorry but I do think you are BU in that respects. You can't expect someone to pay for you to live in exactly the area you want, when it is unfeasible for them.

There had to be a move and it sounds like he is sick of suggesting places for them to not be good enough and doesn't want to live right in the thick of London (which is what you are suggesting) because it is actually not a great place for his son to live. It has to be about what is best for you all, not just what is best for getting to London.

I've only read the first two and last pages so maybe this has been said.
Erm. Flaming coming I suppose but I feel sorry for your DH and I wonder if you are being a little selfish. I don't know what his field of work is but I know its hard finding work that pays enough to cover a rent in one town and weekly commutes and a home in another. I can't imagine he will have been doing cartwheels of joy to have to leave his family and slog it out hundreds of miles away all week. I don't suppose he's taken this job just to spite you. And if I had to do that and only saw my child at weekends I'd be wanting to make sure they were left with fun filled memories of me rather than spend the time telling them off for things that happened while I was away or making them eat their greens. Do you think your son is just over excited to be with his dad at weekends and all thoughts of 'the rules' go out of his head?
Sounds like your DH is at the end of his rope and has found you all what he thinks is the nicest house in an area that is likely to have good schools, in the hopes that he and you all can start living a family life again.
If he'd asked you to help choose would you have gone down and helped him find somewhere quickly? Or would you have spent all his weekend time at home moaning about moving and making your DS feel like it's a big scarey thing and the end of the world and cause endless family rows that unsettle DS just when he wants to have some happy times with his dad?
To be honest If I were your DH I'd have given you youR marching orders a long while ago but he must want you all to be a family together to go to such lengths.
He is forcing your hand though, putting the ball in your court entirely. So if you don't love the man anymore and want to divorce just be honest and say so. Otherwise woman up! Get yourself down to Rye, check out your new home, school for DS and tell all your friends and family you're making the big move - everybody welcome to come visit in the summer.

Jesus! Imagine if your DH gave you an ultimatum and told you where you were moving (which isn't even that close to where he is working anyway) and announced that he had rented an expensive house in a town you've never been to and told you 'with or without you I'm going?'

The OP gave suggestions of her own. Point is he didn't even sit down to talk about it he went ahead and decided for himself (cobbled street etc) and now expects her to shut up and move.

I can't believe anyone would tolerate that.

"

"To be honest If I were your DH I'd have given you youR marching orders a long while ago"

This is unfair. DH has been doing this for 3 months. A month ago they seemed to have agreed on the tunbridge wells area and OP was asking lots of questions on here about schools etc. For whatever reason, DH has now put a deposit down on a place which isn't amongst those they have discussed. The comments that OP hasn't tried at all with this move are speculation from other posters and based on nothing she has posted.

Agreed snatch. There are always those who seem compelled to feel sorry for the DP, even when there is nothing to support what they are saying.

Rye is nice, we go there to the beach at Camber. But it isn't a great journey to London, find for a weekend away once or twice a year but bit a regular journey imo.

I don't think you should go and try it did 6 months add I think you would end up trapped.

I don't think , from what OP described, her husband is just "being the fun one" when he is home.
My son has a dad he doesn't see much, but even his dad (and he is far from my favourite person) knows not to undermine me in front of my son. The rules are consistent, because, above all, children need consistency.
Ds's dad would NEVER go behind my back, all nudge nudge, wink wink, don't tell your mum".
Setting yourself up as "the cool parent" and trying to unite with your child against the other parent is really shitty behaviour, and indicative of a much deeper problem.
It doesn't surprise me that a man who would behave like this, is pulling this house renting stunt either.

I do still want to know what the deal is with OP's H's other children/ex-wives.

What the fucking jeff? Really? People can pick places to move to without consulting their spouse, but if the place in question is nice then the spouse should suck it up??? I'm speechless at so many responses on here.

Rye is nice? So what? There are countless nice towns, cities and villages all over this diverse country of ours but guess what, I want to choose which one of them I live in.

It seems that some people have read the OP, with all it's huge red flags, and come up with 'but Rye is really nice so just move there'.

Bonkers.

Having said that, I'm not liking OPs posting style. Loads of info in OP, millions of opinionated responses asking very pertinent questions, followed by one line answers from OP doing nothing at all to clarify the situation.

If I was a more cynical person, I might be tempted to break talk guidelines. But I'm a good girl.

What is painfully obvious is, that whatever your reasons for not moving, you clearly prefer living where you do to living with your husband. If you move you will be resentful; if you don't, he will be; I am sorry to say this, really, but I don't think your marriage has much future.

Goblin, that's such crap. I love my DP dearly but he doesn't get to dictate where we live. If he decided to go and live at the other end of the country with or without me, then I would tell him to jog on. Nobody should be pulling the 'if you loved me you'd do it' shit in this day and age.

Why should women follow their spouses in the name of keeping their family together? Her mum lives near where she is anyway. Sounds like a more true definition of family to me.

Family don't tell family to move house against their will.

I'd tell him to jog on.

Yeah, I am with you there Morris. I need a LOT more info.

Morris, OP has posted a fair bit in local/education threads about possible schools and did only start this thread yesterday morning.

Morris - I agree, it's mental that so many people are missing the point! The fact that Rye is nice misses the point that he's got a job in Ashford, she's agreed a compromise of moving to Tunbridge Wells as that would suit her job and their DS as well as her DH's job, and he just decided that he wanted to live somewhere nice, and didn't think his wife should have any say in that. No discussion, completely ignoring her wanting to be within an hour of London (it's not), so obviously her job doesn't matter. No consideration if there are good local schools with places for september because you know, their DS's education obviously doesn't matter either.

All that seems to matter is the OP's DH gets to live somewhere lovely.

I'd like to live somewhere lovely too. I'd like cobbled stone streets, close to the seaside. But I'm married to a man who needs to work in central London, so we need to live somewhere with a decent commute (I think he'd think Tunbridge Wells was too far, you were being very kind offering being that far out!), I need to live in a family house with space for DCs, not normally found on little cobbled streets. I need to be able to park a car etc. I need to live somewhere that suits all 4 members of our family who will live in the house, and their various commitments, not just what I think is "lovely". And even then, I'd not sign a contract without even discussing it with the other adult I expected to live in the house.