MY DH has chosen a house to rent in a Rye, Kent without telling me

[ginajacques]

My husband has a job working in Canterbury, ashford, those areas of kent, I'm very happy where I live with my son in the north west, he currently drives home for weekends but has said the journey back is too much for him, my son is in an excellent school and I'm not sure I'd cope alone in Kent. I said I would move to somewhere in Kent that wasn't so far out from London to make it easier for me to visit people as I'm self employed I won't meet people or mix with people all day like he will. I will get depressed on my own so much in Rhy that's 2hrs from London and so far away from home, but he's not prepared to have a commute to work, he likes cut off sea side towns, I like to be near a city. He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked. I'm really annoyed that he won't compromise, it's all about him living in a listed building, with cobbled streets and he doesn't seem to care that I will be utterly miserable and cut off from everywhere, he's even told me that's where he's living he doesn't care if I go with him or not that's the area he's moving to. No sure what to do. I also am struggling as he gives our son no discipline what so ever so I'm enjoying him being away mon-fri I don't think I could live with him full time, he gives me no attention and just acts like our son's best friend givng him sweets when ever he asks behind my back, and when I try discipline him for something he tells me off in front of our son which gives them a bond and makes me feel like the hated one by my son and him.

I'm not going to reply as our disagreement, Grennie, is no longer fair or helpful to gina.

My apologies, gina!

I also think it is very wrong to go ahead with something as big as a house, whatever your reasons.

It's only a rental, they can move within 6 months or a year if it really doesn't work out. It just feels as if OP isn't willing even to give it a try, or to look for realistic alternatives.

I just feel that it is far too easy for a load of internet strangers to rush in to condemn one party to a marriage on the basis of one side of the story and a few selective facts. It really alarms me sometimes when I seen an OP raising something fairly trivial on here and within a few posts being encouraged to LTB rather than actually discuss things with the person concerned.

I think a lot would depend on how the OP felt prior to when her DH started working away. Whether there were lots of cracks in the relationship anyway. Or whether things have have come to a head now he is away during the week. A lot of women quite enjoy having their own space if their partner is working away and it does take a fair bit of adjustment to be back together on a daily basis. A lot depends on whether OP is willing to make that adjustment.

I would like to live in one of those lovely palaces in Venice - with an enclosed garden, of course!

However, if my dh arrived home announcing that he had rented one and I could a. pack up and leave right now with him or b. wave him good bye ...

Come on!

• lack of communication *lack of compromise *lack of tangible cherishing of adults within the marriage *lack of the shared base ground of ethics that makes parenting of children possible *possible power imbalance *lack of the hopeful optimism in persistent caring that makes bot joyful about future

None of these are good. Do not leave your work; your financial independence; your support network before you have resolved these.

How did the previous two marriages end? what is his relationship with the previous partners/children like? Why did you marry him/have children with him?

These are not things you need to answer here, they are things you need to ask yourself and answer honestly.

Even if it were you that was not compromising, and refusing to make your dh's life easier, I think I would still be saying that the pair of you need to work on your relationship as a priority, and prior to making a big move.

nobody should leave their financial autonomy and their support networks at the behest of someone who cares so little for their opinion that they think it okay not to consult them about something as major as where they might live. it doesn't matter one whit whether the op has sat on her hands for months - indeed, someone actually engaged with being her partner would probably pay attention to this reluctance. it may be true that the oh is also not being fully valued here, but this just means that there is even less purpose in the op moving south to what i suggest would be utter misery all around.

What was

What was the plan when he first took the job - to commute for a bit and see how it went?

Has he looked at schools local to the rental?

looks like you had previously been happy with the Tunbridge Wells area so presumably it isn't the move itself which is the issue but an unfamiliar location ? Or has the finality of it brought other things to the surface ? Agree with those who suggest you try Rye for 6 months and see .

"to the surface ? Agree with those who suggest you try Rye for 6 months and see ."

The trouble with that is schools!

True but at this stage schools are going to be a problem regardless . Having to change mid year or delay starting until the NY while they settle isn't going to change that.

The trouble with that is schools!

Yes, but OP says she has agreed in principle to move to Kent anyway. If Rye doesn't work out, she can look at moving somewhere else that is within a reasonable distance of the school in question. People have to do that sort of thing all the time.

I think a trip to the Relationships board may be of service to you OP. There are far bigger things going on here. You aren't being entirely reasonable because you are being so negative without even seeing the place. Who chose the house you live in now? Is it city based?
IF, you want this relationship to work, why not ask him to wait until the end of the summer term, and go and stay with him for a few weeks? Try it out. You will need to approach it positively, and make an effort to meet people etc, otherwise it will be futile. Small rural communities are far easier to mix in, it's nothing like city life. You will never know if you don't try.
However, if you dislike him as much as you seem to, let him go, and do your own thing.

The OP is clearly reluctant to move, but was willing to compromise if the new location was one that she felt suited her requirements. Even if the DH felt frustrated that she was not being pro-active in house hunting, renting a house without consultation is completely unreasonable. If it met the basic needs that OP has expressed so he could sell it to her on the basis of 'close to city centre' & '40 mins from London' then she might have at least thought that he cared about her feelings in the matter.

It sounds like the marriage may not have future in which case the move is not in the OP's best interest at this time. Obviously it's important for her DS to have a good relationship with his father but I'm unsure whether this is a valid reason for moving so far. What is the DH's contact with his other children & where are they based?

The best option may be for the OP to spend a couple of weeks living down there to see if her marriage can be saved. If they decide it can, she is then better placed to locate somewhere she would prefer to live if she doesn't like the place DH has chosen. DS could then move to a new school in September - although don't know how this works if there are waiting lists etc.

I meant the trouble with trying Rye for six months and then moving again means potentially two school moves for DS.

I don't know what else is near rye but if one of the issues is distance from London then it's less likely that will be solved by a later move that still lets DS access the school.

I agree that the main the to sort out is the communication between you, the ability to act as a team, and be partners. Of course he won't want to commute weekly form the NW to Kent, but moving is a huge thing and he can't just make a unilateral decision.

For what it's worth, I have a relative in Rye and visit often. I love it for a visit, once we have the car parking sorted, but personally I wouldn't want to live there. Parking is a nightmare. Many, possibly most, of the houses that would be listed and have cobbled streets, have no parking. You have to rent a permanent car parking space (which tend to change hands through locals) on the outskirts and walk to your house with your shopping, etc. but maybe he has found a place with a car parking space: so much the better!

The town is split into 2 distinct areas: On the citadel, the cobbled hill, or on the flat land at the bottom. There is a big social divide. The citadel has many retired and very well to do folk, the bottom of the hill shoes the signs of rural deprivation.

The town is so picturesque, but is very dependent on tourist trade and gets ridiculously busy in summer. The road routes are longs and slow until you get to the dual carriageway and motorway.

Lovely beach and seaside places, and inland rural walks, but it does sound as if there are places which would suit his commute better and could be a better place for you to put down roots.

Is his job secure and ing term? Does he have a probationary period?

Go down and base yourself in the area and search together?

So many different areas to look at and many very eye, and with better transport links, if that is important to you.

Nennypops: if the OP gets her son into the school in Rye and then moves to somewhere that meets the criteria she is talking about but keeps him in the school she would be ferrying him to Rye from a long way away! That's the problem with the isolation of Rye!

OP, when he moved down, what was the plan? Try long distance for x months and then decide?

Why would you meet less people in Rye, which is a lovely town, than in more crowded areas near London? Do you need to meet tens of thousands of people?

Isn't it possible that he has rented this house because he likes it and it has become available at the right time, as together you were unable to agree on something, and commuting back to the North West from Kent at weekends was untenable for him?

Do you actually like him very much? What are you in this relationship for?

I don't honestly think theres many people that would object to Rye as a place to live. Its not rural. Its a town. Its by the seaside. Its in one of the most populous parts of Western Europe and convenient for your DH's work. But if you moved there and didn't really like it, presumably you could choose somewhere more suited once the rental was up, is this an insurmountable problem?

My STBXH wanted us to move from the North East to a a town he really liked in Sussex, when he was working in London. I had a look at the town, and it was lovely, but ultimately, I wasn't prepared to uproot meyself and DS and start all over again, somewhere we had no connections, for the second time in less than three years (we had relocated to the North East for his job, before he decided to take voluntary redundancy from a permanent job and work as a contractor in London).

Two months later, he told me he wanted a divorce and was leaving me for an O.W.

The last two years have been hard, but imagine how worse it would have been if we had relocated?

Think very carefully, OP.

"I don't honestly think theres many people that would object to Rye as a place to live. "

It doesn't matter - OP does object.

Melonade: as it happens I would object to living in Rye.

And the problem with trying it out and moving is that the poor child would end to move schools, again.

Relocating is something that has to be done together, taking into account both partners needs and wishes, as well as the pragmatics of what the family needs wrt schools, access to public services, (in this case the Conquest hospital , for example, which is having it's maternity unit downgraded).

I wouldn't want to be carted round the country like the DH's baggage, nor would I wish him to be jettisoned alone and / or dealing with a terrible commute.

OP what was your relationship like before he moved away? Has he always expected to control all the decision making?

But if I was working in one part of the country and driving hundreds of miles back to another at weekends, I would probably do the same thing - rent somewhere that suited me, rather than let the above go on indefinitely. He must be going spare with all that driving. Where does he currently stay during the week? B&B?

You haven't provided any information on the let, other than the town OP. Maybe he had to move quickly, maybe its just a small cheap bolthole for him until something more permanent is sorted out?

Well DH would object to moving to Rye, as he has to work in London and it's a pig of a commute, Tunbridge WElls isn't that bad.

OP, if you will have to work in London, then don't move to Rye, it's going to be very hard on you, and once you've settled your DS in one school in Rye, will you really feel happy moving him yet again to get a shorter commute for you to Tunbridge Wells?

If you take your DS to Rye, while that rental might not be the one you stay in long term, it's goign to be hard to shift schools a second time for your DS so youo'll stay in that town.

"He thinks I should just go with him no questions asked. "

This doesn't sound like a let that's only for the DH...