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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder where all the normal, single men are?

442 replies

Needsmorecake · 20/04/2014 08:46

because, sure as hell, they are not within a 50 mile radius of me.

This comes off the back of being let down again. I was meant to have a date tomorrow, now i do not.

Lovely man, 40, deputy head of an ' outstanding school' Not only did he send me the most 'penisey' photo, where even in jogging bottoms his cock felt the need to make its presence known, but, after some internet reasearch, i found he had two facebook accounts, one of which he is only friends with very young, very naked, eastern women.

I cancelled the date, clearly he is nuts. However, this seems to be the case more often than not, and its so very very tiring.

Ive been single for 5.5 years, i dont want to remarry, but id just like someone, it seems so impossible.

OP posts:
avoiretre · 26/04/2014 16:25

It does seem that way Needs. Or else why would you have had no success in the real world?

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 26/04/2014 16:29

yeah, you have got me.

Totally, totally my own fault.

I never leave the house, not even for work, all my shopping i get delivered via a hatch in the side of the house, so i dont even have to look at anyone.

I have a treadmill for my dog.

My daughter, well, i get friends to take her too and from school The rest of the time i keep her chained up in case she escapes the house too.

I however, cant see how on earth you are single, what with your sparkling personality and all.
so, so, so charming.

OP posts:
avoiretre · 26/04/2014 16:34

I know I've "got you". All the men on dating websites are losers and the best men wouldn't ever be on one. Yet the women on there are the best the gender has to offer! Err, no.
The fact is that the men (and women) on there, including you, are not attracting the opposite sex for whatever reason in the real world. That's whether they "leave the house" or not.

And who said I'm single anyway?

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 26/04/2014 16:38

you said on the thread in relationships.

i never said all men on dating sites were losers, im sure there are some lovely ones, just, im not meeting them, lots of us are not meeting them.

I live a very full life, i just dont know anyone single who is my age, noone in my very wide social circle knows anyone single. I can go out as many times as i want, and i dont meet anyone. Im not unattractive, im approachable... a lot of the time im out with my daughter, or in a group of people and im guessing thats maybe not conductive....

but, i dont need to explain myself to you.

OP posts:
SofaCanary · 26/04/2014 19:14

All the single, solvent, attractive 40 year old men can be found wherever the 20 year old girls hang out.

Sad but ultimately true.

UtterFool · 26/04/2014 20:06

Give it a rest Avoir. Of course you're entitled to post your opinion but FGS.

RandomInternetStranger · 26/04/2014 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VelvetSpoon · 27/04/2014 00:29

Random wish there was a like button for your last post!

It's quite possible to be out (I am out, all the time) and either not meet men at all (I don't, certainly not in the last couple of years) or only meet ones who are as bad as ones online (as per your experience, and mine previously - I remember 2 years ago I met a guy on a night out. Really got on well, swapped numbers, texted and chatted. He was going to come to my house to pick me up and go out from there. All arranged, he was going to text me when he was leaving...never heard from him. Just as flaky as the guys online!)

So on the basis that even if you do meet men in RL they seem as bad as the ones we're encountering via OD, we're back to the same question of where are the normal men?!!

AmIthatSpringy · 27/04/2014 00:58

Fucking hell Avoir. And that's all the time I'm spending on you.

Meeting men is a nightmare, and we also have the women who whinge and moan and bleat about the men that they do have.

Well, here's a thing - If you aint happy, let him go. Then maybe they might meet someone they are more compatible with.

I must admit I've always had an issue with some couples I know - you know the "yes we met and have never looked at anyone else" Sorry, but that is just down to pure luck.

Who is to say that the next person they met would have been even more compatible.

It's a fucking lottery

LyndaCartersBigPants · 27/04/2014 01:14

I resent the suggestion that nobody decent goes online!

I met DP online and we are both good looking and lovely people!

He wasn't meeting anyone suitable despite a very sociable job and I'm a sahm so limited opportunities to go out and all my friends are still married.

Short of the 2 single dads on the school run (one of whom was also PoF!) and my next door neighbour (who I saw on match.com) the only other men I ran into were customers to whom I deliver, mainly married men in their 60s, so not really my type!

No way of getting out to regular evening classes etc due to having 3 DCs and no reliable babysitters.

DP and I are constantly amazed at how lucky we were to meet each other as we'd never have bumped into each other in RL. It was pure luck that I chose him using very specific criteria we stumbled across each other.

There are lovely men out there and with all the LTBing that goes on here, there are new ones coming on the market every day. They are not all arseholes, just incompatible with their current partners.

babybarrister · 27/04/2014 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 27/04/2014 09:32

there are some decent ones online, its just, i think, they are mostly lost under the dregs. Plus, because they are decent, they tend to find someone quite quickly.

A lot of it is just down to luck, nothing more.

Ive been messaged today by a 48 year old. I have replied but im not interested. Im 35, to me, thats a huge age gap. Ive never gone for the older man. Then i realise, that thats actually the same age as my step dad, which has freaked me out and just isnt right.

( my mum is 56, step dad is 9 years younger than her at 48)

wrong. just wrong.

OP posts:
Spickle · 27/04/2014 09:53

Just been reading some of the above to my DP and he said "there are decent men online, it's just that prospective dates with mumsnetters are enough to make them run a mile" - think he was joking!

UtterFool · 27/04/2014 09:55

What's wrong with that Needs?

At that age the gap doesn't make that much difference (for your mum that is).

Admittedly tho, I can see why you would not be interested in dating a 48 year old.

Having said that, over in the Relationship forum it appears that George Clooney is dating a 36year old and he's in his 50's so what's the matter with you Wink joke btw.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 27/04/2014 09:58

The age gap doesnt matter for my mum, no.
but we arnt talking about my mum.

13 years older is a LOT older, plus, its literally the same age as my stepdad. it would be like boffing him, or one of his mates. It just wouldnt cross my mind, because, that age to me = stepdad =married to my mum= different generation.

clooney doesnt count. neither does depp :)

OP posts:
UtterFool · 27/04/2014 09:59

Spickle

Lol, never considered the 'Mumsnet' factor but your OH might be on to something. This place is scary as hell for a man Wink

UtterFool · 27/04/2014 10:02

Lol Needs. When you put it like that. Ugh [shudders]

Point taken.

Spickle · 27/04/2014 10:03

Needsmorecake, the 48 year old was probably just trying his luck. I was 48 when I did online dating and regularly got messages from 65 year olds! Like you, I have never been attracted to the older man so those would go straight in the rejected pile. But maybe as babybarrister said, try and arrange coffee dates quickly rather than invest too much time texting/phoning. That's what DP and I did - had a cream tea that extended into a walk along the coast and a trip to the cinema. But prior to meeting him, I could wax lyrical on some of the strange dates I had, but I look back now and chuckle to myself.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 27/04/2014 10:16

ive done meet quickly ( literally a few hours from first message) ive done meet slowly ( 4 months of chatting) Ive done everything in between.

its not the technique or way you go with it that makes the difference, but the person you are meeting ( and the luck )

and yeah, i dont want to shag someone, who is the same age as my dad. its just pukey and wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 27/04/2014 10:22

oh, i also only do coffee dates on childfree times, i am not wasting babysitting and time on first dates.

I like to meet after a week/10 days as this usually gives them enough time to mess up, and for things to come out, if you meet quicker, you end up sitting across the table from a guy whos telling you about how he likes to shag grannies.....

i can spot a warning sign at 20 paces, which means i dont actually go on many dates now. When i was a bit wet behind the ears i could have 3-4 dates a week. Now its good going if i get one a month...

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 27/04/2014 10:39

Thing is, it doesn't matter how little time you invest (and I'm not a fan of taking weeks to meet someone, unless that's unavoidable), doesn't stop them being weird. And whilst you have no emotional involvement per se, it does still niggle.

They guy who stood me up on Friday...I had set up my profile on Weds, he was one of my first messages. We exchanged a fair few messages on Weds and Thurs, then having discussed meeting, on Thurs eve, we swapped numbers, and arranged a date for Friday. To which he either didn't turn up or saw me and scarpered.

No way frankly that I could have seen that coming, or predicted it.

If I wasn't as confident about my looks as I (currently) am, that would have crushed me.

babybarrister · 27/04/2014 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

avoiretre · 27/04/2014 11:52

"no-one normal when they are in their 30s will have had no long term relationship which has failed ..."

What nonsense! I know a couple in their late 30s who have been together since they were at school. This is far from unusual. I know other people who are in their 30s and have just had short term relationships or have not met anyone who they've had a mutual attraction with.

My advice girls and guys, is to ignore that rubbish and look for those with the least "baggage"!

Hissy · 27/04/2014 12:15

I had a guy message me (40's) had never been in a relationship of over a year, ask me about the painful ins and outs of my 10yr relationship tanking.

It was his 2nd or 3rd message! I found it intrusive and told him that if he has no experience, why on earth would he think it appropriate to rubber-neck mine?

If someone's never been in any long term relationship when they are in late 30's or 40's, there's a reason.

In my (limited online) experience.

I've stopped bothering with OD. the people I want to meet don't seem to go in for OD.

RandomInternetStranger · 27/04/2014 13:01

avoir again you are talking shit. People in their 30s WHO ARE SINGLE and normal will have baggage. your "friends" who are in their 30s and been with someone since their teens have baggage, if they were to end up single. That is what baggage is. I have a friend who is 37 and barely been kissed, still a virgin and never had a boyfriend and though she's a good friend there are very good reasons for her being single and I wouldn't set her up with any guys. She's not an arsehole like the men described on this thread but she is bloody hard work and no man will ever live up to her ridiculous standards and unattainable ideals nor would they crack her 37 year habit of living for herself in her own way without ever needing to consider anyone else. She has built her knight in shining armour and sex into such a huge, special thing no one will ever live up to it.