To wonder where all the normal, single men are?

[Needsmorecake]

because, sure as hell, they are not within a 50 mile radius of me.

This comes off the back of being let down again. I was meant to have a date tomorrow, now i do not.

Lovely man, 40, deputy head of an ' outstanding school' Not only did he send me the most 'penisey' photo, where even in jogging bottoms his cock felt the need to make its presence known, but, after some internet reasearch, i found he had two facebook accounts, one of which he is only friends with very young, very naked, eastern women.

I cancelled the date, clearly he is nuts. However, this seems to be the case more often than not, and its so very very tiring.

Ive been single for 5.5 years, i dont want to remarry, but id just like someone, it seems so impossible.

I love it! Technological advances have given them more opportunities to show themselves up as dumb. Oh god that's amazing I may have to use it! And it's totally true. The amount of times text, email, OD, Facebook, forums, chat, digital photos, websites etc have made me realise these guys are just not right in the head is astounding. It's a bit worrying though - were they all like this before but just hid it better and didn't have the opportunities to access this freaky stuff and behave this way or have they really changed this much over the years?? I mean I've grown at the same rate as these guys and they weren't like this 20 years ago! They wouldn't have dreamed of sending messages or photos like that then. What has told them it's ok now? I mean it's not even like they grew up with this, these are 40 year olds, they were raised in the same era as me, what happened while I was married??

I live in Greater London, I have teenage children, however, I am out at work for 12 hours a day already, the last thing I want to do in the evenings is spend another 2 or 3 hours out at a club or class

IMHO this says it all i.e. You work too much to be able to do anything else. If you're not particularly interested in doing other stuff then your choices are always going to be limited.

Having said that, anyone should be going to classes, not to find a mate, but to do something they enjoy. If a potential mate presents him/herself then fantastic but it shouldn't be the sole reason.

I'm a man and if it's any consolation ladies, we ask the same questions. Finding one over 30, without baggage, with looks and figure still more or less intact and with a reasonably pleasant personality is nigh on impossible. When one does turn up, a rich guy will claim her before you can blink.

Should I say "without loads of baggage".

ive logged onto my emails this morning, and ive 3 messages, two commenting on my ' tits' even though there are no tits in my profile pics. One says ' looks like you have big tits then, excellent' one says ' big tits means big nipples'. The third message just says ' id like to bang you'

Personally I think it's time to give it up (online dating or whatever leads to these horrible emails). You're looking for a normal guy but it sounds like your situation is turning out to be far from normal and is souring your whole search for a partner.

Like most on here, I have no idea or answer to the problem. You're clearly very attractive and seem lovely. How someone genuine hasn't approached you is beyond me but if it's any consolation I know people in the same boat.

I was having a conversation about this with the single, 45 year chap I'm sat next to (at work) and he said that it can be frustrating but you just have to enjoy the pockets of your life as they are and forget about looking as it's too easy to let it get you down. He's a long term singleton but with spells of partners here/there and has resigned himself to enjoying time with family/friends in between relationships.

utterfool - so, if someones working too much, because they are on their own, trying to provide for their family, they are wrong? Bit crap.
This is the thing when you lone parent, that there isnt quite enough of you to go round, you cant do all things at all times AND learn about pottery or whatever. Its really quite hard.

avoir - well, in the theme of some of the advice on here, why dont you give some of the ugly fatties a go?
( fgs)

i do enjoy friends and family, and i kind of dont want to resign myself, aged 35 to be on my own.

Ugly fatties? Ha! I didn't realise you'd been given that advice. I'm as open minded as I can be about ugly women, but because I'm heavily into sport and fitness, my lifestyle doesn't correspond with fatties.

Needsmore

No, she's not wrong but you only have so many hours in a day. If you spend most of it working then there will always be comprises.

For the first time in my life I am working ridiculous hours and my family life is suffering. If you are dedicating most of the day to work then how is one to develop a new relationship?

avoir - join a club, there will be 100's of women there, and seeing as you like sport, join a running club.

( sorry, being a bit tongue in cheek here :) )

utterfool, you are not, which is why it is so very hard,and why people do things like online dating, because, you can log on for 10 mins when you get home, knackered from work. because you dont need a babysitter to do it, because it doesnt cost a lot.
Then, if you do get to date someone, again, it has to fit around work and childcare and access weekends and other committments, it is very very difficult.

Needsmore

I agree with you and hope you don't think I'm having a go.

I can totally appreciate how difficult it is but can also see how damaging the whole OD thing is.

avoir - also, as a somewhat round woman with baggage, i think maybe, you are looking for something that maybe isnt realistic. You have to realise you arent 20. Most people over 28 ish will have baggage, you get baggage from living a full life. My child is not baggage, the fact that im divorced isnt baggage, its just life. Im also a bit fat and have stretchmarks, so what? im still attractive, im damn lovely and so are lots of us out there.

I'm not 'working too much', I just have a FT job, as tbh most women with teen children (and without a husband to support them) do!...in my case I've always worked FT, from when my eldest DC (16 in August) was 7 months old. I managed several relationships before my last ended 5 years ago - it is only since then I have found it impossible to meet anyone normal, single and looking for a relationship, via OD or any other means.

My day is that I get up at 6.20, leave the house at 6.30 to go to the gym, then on to work, arriving around 8.30. I leave work at 5.30ish, getting me home by 6.30. In my office (large insurance company) most people, even the junior ones, work similar hours, have similar commutes. That's life in the London suburbs. I've worked far longer hours in other jobs, I certainly never had time to go to the gym before work previously!

"If you are lying, cheating, alcoholic, arrogant, violent, married or still living with your mother then I've already dated you, please click away now"

Replying to this before reading the rest of the thread, so hope my reply is not completely redundant.

I think I'm a decent guy, if I saw that on a profile I would click away as it's nerve-wracking enough subjecting yourself to rejection by a "normal" person, let alone someone who is primed to interpret you as an arsehole.

I honestly think this message on a profile is having precisely the opposite effect to what you intend, you are frightening off the good guys.

Fairly recently there was research published that showed that women who've been abused once are more likely than others to attract abuse in future, because they become wary of men, decent men are discouraged by their wariness (even before the woman realises they were interested) and the psychos charge right in, so the women (completely unconsciously) end up selecting abusive men.

In the article I read, I got the impression that decent men were being discouraged by women who were merely being reserved, nowhere near as explicitly hostile as that profile sentence. I hope people don't think this theory is blaming the victim: I don't know how one can fail to be wary after being treated badly once, but I suppose you need to realise that it is a problem, so you can try to combat it.

I agree. If I saw

If you are lying, cheating, alcoholic, arrogant, violent, married or still living with your mother then I've already dated you, please click away now"

on a profile I'd run a mile. It's flagging up someone with lots of emotional baggage/problems, to me. Someone angry and bitter and not ready to date again. That may not be accurate, but it would put me right off, just in case.

It's putting off the decent people, and it IS attracted the knobheads, because they aren't going to read that and think, oh I'm a violent alcoholic, ok she doesn't want me. They'll see that you are someone with a history of putting up with abusive behaviour or at least that other nasty men have managed to con for a while - BINGO!

But what about those of us who don't have that on our profiles, who never have?

Mine were always very carefully (and positively) worded.

Made utterly no difference to the men I did, or didn't attract.

Well, I'm going on a date (so far!) tomorrow, with a normal seeming good looking man I met on Tinder... he's 46 which is 9 years older than me so I'm a bit nervous as I usually end up dating men the same age or younger.

I guess I'm a bit intimidated by older men because I'm not used to them.

Hopefully it will go well - I want to end up with a male friend at least, preferably a boyfriend.

I don't know what to wear though! I was thinking of a dress.

Also, he knows I go to the gym but I'm worried he'll expect a total gym bunny when actually I'm trying to lose weight (I'm not fat but definitely curvy, but that's only temporary...). And I wear glasses but I don't have a good profile pic wearing them.

I love this woman's approach to online idiots/perverts. :o NSFW.

I agree entirely with Bit. In response to the OP's query I offered advice and suggestions because I had some experience of being single and dating. My experience was different to some posters. I met some lovely men (and some rats). Needs I hope you meet someone nice.

But what about those of us who don't have that on our profiles, who never have?

No experience of on-line dating, as long-married, but I suppose something else that might help improve the odds is to nearly always be the one who initiates contact. That should at least weed out a few potential nutters, on the basis of their profiles, though if the proportion of nutters in the pool you're fishing in is high, I suppose you're still going to encounter many, and just need to move on as quickly and with as little emotion spent on them as possible.

Though initiating contact has it's own psychological hazards, you will learn what it's like to be a man, have the vast majority not respond, and feel worthless and rejected. Which will cause you to adversely affect your chances by not contacting people you decide in advance might reject you. (I did computer dating in the early 90's, did get one rejection letter from a girl who told me off for sending a typed letter. I wrote back explaining that it was a bit much to hand-write letters when nine times out of ten there was no reply, and since you were writing to someone you knew virtually nothing about other than their height, weight and what tickboxes described their interests, it was unrealistic to assume that one first letter could be different (more personal) than another.)

(I once acquired tinnitus, and cured it after I read that the way to make it go away is to stop being irritated by it, as it's the emotional reaction that makes your brain think it's important, as a concequence of which it it rewires itself to pay attention to the noise. Maybe success at online dating, or dating in general, requires a similar process: you have to force yourself not to have an emotional reaction to any kind of bad experience, in order not to acquire pyschological baggage that will harm you.)

married young, and we are hanging onto them :)

Do you want an honest answer to that question? Theyre looking to date younger women who dont have children.

Most men I know either (with the exception of dp):
settled down with the girl they met at Uni/in the early years of working or
settled down in their 30s with women significantly younger than them.

Mens chances of finding a partner increase just as a womans chances diminish. Even nice guys will prefer the younger, hotter, more compliant version if theyre given the option. As they get older, men often become more confidant and more wealthy and therefore more attractive. At the same time women (particularly those left high and dry with a child or two) become less attractive to men.

Online dating has changed beyond recognition. 10-15 years ago it was predominantly used only by professionals with desk jobs and ready access to computers (back in the days phones were used as phones). I used OD for two years (and met dp), neither I nor any of my friends who used OD at the time had the awful experiences some of you have had to suffer. Im sure it would be very different now.

As they get older men become fat bald and feral more like!
What planet are you on Million??

Suzanne: was thinking of older 30s/40s rather than 50s :)

I put that on because I was getting the cock shots and lewd messages and meeting with 'normal' blokes only for them to turn out to be arseholes too. Since putting it up I've had a reduction in that shit and had some nicer messages. And a critique. It's a challenge to most men, to prove they're better than the rest. It's also an easy opening for them to comment on and start a conversation with. I still get the arseholes and I don't think that will ever disappear, but it has reduced so I'll be keeping it up if I reactivate my account.

Met my very normal, very confident, intelligent, working and socially capable DP through online dating.

I don't think we would have met in RL as our paths would not have crossed, even though he lived only 5 miles away and commuted into town on the same train! He complained that there were no single women in his office, he had hobbies which involved going to car shows, rock concerts, photography and Science Fiction/Marvel type films (very few women attending). This is where I would have met him in RL, not in pubs/clubs or the gym or an evening class.

He did OD because it was a lazy way of being able to set up a date rather than do activities that didn't interest him which might involve attending over weeks/months and no guarantee of success!

Lots of men do seem to have hobbies - my late DH ran a youth sports team, which he coached. I got involved with that and now with my current DP, I attend various concerts, films and car shows. There are lots of single men at these events but few women. I have my own interests too and we now compromise and try to share some and do others apart.