to think dh is a twat?

[thesortingtwat]

My Dad died suddenly, violently and intestate last year. Have been thrashing out probate with his wife since; a really trying and emotive situation. I am due to meet her next week to discuss and will need to be assertive as she's not willing to part with any of Dad's personal effects. Dh won't come as moral support as Liverpool are playing. Am I right I thinking he's a selfish twat?

You poor thing OP. We have had some extremely traumatising deaths in our family and court cases are pending. If you are like me, your life goes on hold until the legalities are sorted, then the grieving starts. You've probably been running on adrenalin since it happened. There is no time limit for you to start getting over a traumatic event, I'm so sorry you're going through this, just take each day as it comes.

Yes, your husband is a knob. I don't think people can understand your grief until they have lived through your particular circumstances, and in some ways they are very lucky not to get it. But I know in my shoes there would never be something I would put before supporting my husband.

You are very strong to go to this meeting by yourself. Maybe you could write out what you would like and why. You don't have to bring this list with you, but it might help you work out how to word your request to your Stepmum. If your husband is staying at home to watch the match I would leave the kids with him. It's his decision not to go with you, so he can show his support by taking care of the children. If you can't express milk, then just bring the baby.

I hope you're doing ok.

I think the baby and toddler in the pub with a clearly selfish father who will be too interested in the game and a hundred other lagered up yelling and swearing blokes is a dreadful idea and I can't actually believe so many have suggested that.

I also couldn't give a flumping hoof of Liverpool's chances as it is irrelevant. It's a simple question, what is more important - a football game on telly or you wife dealing with her grief and a delicate and emotive situation she has said she need support with. It should be a very simple answer. I asked my Dad, a Liverpool fan, about this this morning - he actually though I was joking as it's a question which should never need asking and certainly not debating.

nenny it wasn't on the calendar.
I get on fine with stepmother but no, she doesn't really get small children (she never had any so sometimes expects better behaviour than they are capable of eg sitting still for a long time.) It's taken me this long to pin her down and we have commitments (inc sporting) for the next 6 weekends so rearranging just won't work. We live a long way from her, she works and she refuses to discuss on the phone so options are limited.
I am not cross with her. I am distressed and sad but not cross.

But, as I pointed out, appointments don't necessarily go on the calendar immediately. For all you knew, DH might have had just made another important appointment that he hadn't had time to note down.

You're accepting that other sporting and non-sporting commitments of yours or the rest of the family take precedence over this visit. Which takes me back to the point you refuted earlier in relation to the fact that it is at a weekend, i.e. there are other things in your life that you also view as a priority. Which is fair enough, but that does mean that the reality is that you are saying that your other commitments should have priority over DH's wish to go to the match, not that this particular meeting should have priority. And maybe that you also prioritise those other commitments over your need for DH's support.

OP, I'm so sorry you're not getting the support you deserve.

I am stunned that anyone can possibly think that supporting your OH is in any way less important than a football game. If DP needed me there for him, I would be there for him. My first response to his request would never be something as trivial as "sorry can't, the football's on". Regardless of why the OP feels she needs the support, she needs it.

Thanks, solitude
I'm sorry you've had similar experience to me. You're right about the running on adrenaline and obviously having a baby hasn't helped.

Agree that Liverpool's chances are irrelevant, just trying to point out to all the indignant football fans that the game on Sunday is not as important as some of you were making out.

OP I hope that you have seen that there are some sensible and empathic die hard football fans out there who are completely on your side with this.

Good luck, whatever happens

nenny I'm not sure what your point is anymore.

She can't do weekdays.
I can't cancel our next 6 weekends - even if she were prepared to change - as we have a holiday, a christening (am godmother), dh is working 2 of them and the last one is my mum's birthday.
Our calendar is electronic so we do put things on pretty quickly and if it was that important, would it not hace been on before now?

OP I'm sorry for your loss

I haven't been through what you have, but I have been through a couple extremely traumatic events, and I think what's happening here is a bit normal in terms of how support tends to evolve from loved ones.

You said earlier that you expect unconditional support from your DH. That's not necessarily unreasonable, but it may be a little unrealistic. Even the kindest people in the world will come to a point where they want life to go a little bit back to normal -- to have their needs and wants at least taken into consideration, if not always given precedence.

You say your DH has been very supportive until now, for 9 months. I don't think he's now trying to say he won't be supportive anymore. I think he is perhaps trying consciously or not to bring in some boundaries, to try to get back to a place where you might at least check with him before committing to something that you expect him to do.

Basically, there will always come a point where you have to transition from getting unconditional support to something slightly more conditional -- because however raw the grief remains, life does go on for other people, and you don't want your own grief to swallow up their lives. It sounds like right now you are not ready to make that transition but perhaps your husband might be.

I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh, this is just my own experience.

My point is simply that this was never an either/or. The meeting didn't have to be next Saturday afternoon and at no other time. It wouldn't have been rocket science to make the appointment provisionally before checking with DH, or to check with him first. Weekends are two days long - in fact, at this time of year, some of the weekends are three or even four days long. Do all of those commitments really take up every hour of every weekend for 6 weeks?

I'm coming to this from the perspective of having come through something at least similarly traumatic. I know nothing is identical and no-one has the same reactions, but 9 months later I was able to plan holidays etc as you have, and I was able to make other arrangements by consulting with my DH and family. If I wanted to do something, even something particularly sensitive for which I wanted support, I would have thought it reasonable to check with DH first. And if I forgot to do so, or couldn't do so, I wouldn't necessarily have expected DH to drop everything unless my arrangement was totally outside my control.

nenny I think you'll just have to accept that there's no other time to meet for quite a while. So it is either/or, to all intents and purposes.
It's not especially helpful to hear how much better you dealt with your at least similarly traumatic experience, actually. So stop badgering me.

Oh for goodness sakes! It is a TV programme!! Next time a mother cancels attending their child's school nativity because Coronation Street is on I expect all those trying to defend this selfish twats attitude to defend the mother's right to put Ken Barlow ahead of their child.

I've nothing useful to say OP really, except I hope it goes as well as possible. Have you considered asking to at least photograph items of sentimental value that she won't part with?

Anyway [hugs]

He is BU.

Hope they get grubbed then he can sit and chew his fingernails whilst Man City fall over against Palace on the Sunday. Then you can prohibit his travel to Sehurst Park the following week.

Liverpool will win or not the league whether his arse is in the Kop or not.

I hope they get utterly annihilated just to piss off your DH, OP.

Random you're being a little bit absurd in your comparisons. We get that you hate football but it isn't a TV programme.

Random that's just downright nasty, do you think that's useful to anyone?

Just because you don't like something doesn't mean other people are not allowed to.

Op, I'm really sorry if you felt I was being dismissive, I didnt mean that at all, but I still think you're getting angry at the wrong thing and person here. I've tried to make helpful suggestions, I hope you do think about the idea of writing it down whatever happens, it might help you to feel more in control of the discussion as well.

Oh please it's like wishing East 17 get a number one instead of Take That, it is all utter nonsense. He's watching it on TV, not even going to the match live, it's a TV show. It is all total utter bollocks and to place it at equal or higher importance than your family is frankly sick. I've had enough of being polite on this subject now, it's fucking ludicrous and I hope the whole sodding football industry gets shut down and banned for good.

random is sounding slightly unhinged now.

Many of these football haters will be the same knobheads all decked out in red and white for the World Cup in a few months

I apologised a while back if I upset the op but I won't apologise for enjoying something and trying to explain why it's quite a big event for some people, whilst obviously needing to take a back seat on normal life.

That's alright, Random, you haven't been polite for quite some time. You've drawn absurd hypothetical situations that are supposed to be parallel but miss the target entirely, put endless words into other people's mouths, proudly said that you've regularly brought up a 15 year old resentment against your DH and, incredibly, intend to continue to hold it against him for a further 30, described how members of your family have to face your and your mother's castration equipment if they might want to watch the FA cup final even if their team's in it... I don't think anyone's taking you too seriously any more.

No, I would never be caught dead in a St George flag, I'm not being associated with the types who have turned that into a hooligan chav symbol thanks. It's fucking football, it's a game, it's a bunch golf overpaid pansies kicking a ball, it is not your family, your loved ones, people who would be there for you, people who would spend their whole life with you, I cannot for a second believe people are seriously trying to defend it. It's quite shocking given the perceived intelligence and lifestyle of the average poster here and I am gobsmacked to be honest. You only think my comparisons are ludicrous because it shows how bloody ludicrous football is!

Wow. Just wow.

That's right Steptoe I know my worth and will not have a game placed as a higher priority than myself when I need support or my daughter has a birthday her family should be at, I'm sorry you clearly don't know yours if you would accept that. And it's EX husband, one of the many many examples of his selfishness I was no longer prepared to deal with or subject my child to but you go ahead if you think that's all you're worth.

Look, I've been married to a foorball fanatic for a long time now. I get it. I don't need it explained to me. The point is, I'm shocked that his first thought was the football and not me. I think his kneejerk response should be me and Dad. Not LFC. And I'm consequently really hurt.
There is no point being angry with stepmother. She's doing what she thinks is right; I disagree. We're all in this shit situation together, apart from dh, it would seem.

I feel a little embarrassed for you now random