Page 6 | to think dh is a twat?

thesortingtwat · 2014-04-19T22:22:03+00:00

My Dad died suddenly, violently and intestate last year. Have been thrashing out probate with his wife since; a really trying and emotive situation. I am due to meet her next week to discuss and will need to be assertive as she's not willing to part with any of Dad's personal effects. Dh won't come as moral support as Liverpool are playing. Am I right I thinking he's a selfish twat?

RhondaJean · 20/04/2014 13:38

Let me look I might be wrong! I looked last night and I am sure it said 12.05 (not bbc)

RhondaJean · 20/04/2014 13:39

Bollocks I do apologise you are right.

Could do it the other way round then, get there about 12 and leave at 2 for a nearby pub?

Greenrememberedhills · 20/04/2014 13:57

Poor you. She doesn't sound very nice that she can't part even with a few small things, and also prefers your DH.

Sounds as though she is jealous of you and your relationship with your dad when he was alive. Refusing to let you have those small things is competitive, in my view.

Original poster

thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 15:08

I'm well used to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 15:11

But that is beside the point. My issue was WIBU to be pissd off with dh and as far as I can see, it's 50/50. Which is appropriate as it's stalemate here.

OP posts:

LeftyLoony · 20/04/2014 16:17

It's a bunch if overpaid idiots kicking a bag of air around a field.
It's televised. Nothing to stop him recording it, avoiding social media and watching it when you return.

As someone whose brother threatened to boycott her wedding as it was during the World Cup avid supporters like this make me LIVID.

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 17:02

Rhonda I don't feel a video game and a football match are different. It's putting an insignificant outside event above your wife and whatever anyone says a football game is insignificant. It's not his son playing, it's not him playing, it's watching, on TV not even irl, a bunch of strangers chasing a ball and falling over acting like they're dying every 5 minutes. His wife is his wife, a real live woman he chose to be with and promise to love and support, who has given birth to his children, looked after and supported him, made a home with him and is willing to grow old with him and put up with his shit for the rest of her life and who needs him on this occasion and has asked for his support. And he wants to put a bunch of fellas pracning about on TV over her?? FTR my Dad is a Liverpool supporter and I was born FA CUP weekend. He missed every cup final for 18 years. then he got it back some years now and then, and they changed the dates for a while, then they changed it back again and then my daughter, his only grandchild till this one is born, was born on my birthday, FA CUP weekend again. He would not ever dare the k of asking to miss my or my daughter's birthday to watch the match, never. Aside from the fact my mother and now I would castrate him, he wouldn't dare be that selfish and put football before real life and family.

RhondaJean · 20/04/2014 17:56

I'm assuming you mean fa cup final weekend, as there are several weekends over the year where fa cup rounds are played.

Liverpool have been in four cup finals over the last 20 years. If your dad didn't mind missing them fine. However each match takes about 3 hours on tv with commentary before and after. If you couldnt let him have 12 hours over 20 years on your birthday for something which hugely matters to him without feeling like you want to castrate him, perhaps it's time for a look in the mirror.

However a birthday is nothing like what op is going through, a video game in no way compares to a live football match (and if you can't accept that things are important to other people which aren't to you wow how self centred entitled and horrible is that) and to compare them is not of any help to the situation op is in.

happyscouse · 20/04/2014 20:12

Hi Op sorry for your loss. I honestly hope you manage to get the mementos of your dad that you will hold so dear. However i do agree with rhonda ,my nickname is a giveaway massive liverpool following family here . I hope you can reach a compromise that keeps everyone happy.

Jengnr · 20/04/2014 20:26

Random internet stranger not only is a football match different to a video game an immediate crisis is different to an arranged meeting regarding the crisis 12 months after the event.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 20:27

Randominternet, if that was absolutely the only day the OP could make the visit, I'd agree that the football match definitely should come second. But it isn't. Therefore it is unreasonable to insist that OP's dh miss something that is very important to him in favour of going on a visit that could perfectly well happen another time.

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 20:35

I cannot believe people are so insensitive about the time since the OP's father's death. It doesn't matter whether it was yesterday or 20 years ago, if she still needs support with it then she should have that support from her husband. When my Nana died 3 years ago initially I was fine, organising the funeral, dealing with paperwork, ringing relatives... it wasn't till a year later that it hit me and I wanted support. Even now I would find it harder now to deal with going through her things or dealing with probate than I did at the time. People deal with grief in their own way and timescale and frankly I am disgusted at the comments of a few people here who seem to think that it's been a year therefore she should get over herself and I think those should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves frankly, that's a vile attitude and should you everr be in a position of having to support someone through grief I suggest you keep nuggets like that to yourselves.

It's football FFS, it's crap, it's a game, it's not real, it is pointless, this is his wife who needs his support dealing with her father's belongings after his murder. Jesus people actually seriously believe football is more important than that?? Remind me never to come here looking for support if that's the attitude. I find that totally incredulous.

brdgrl · 20/04/2014 20:45

Random, you're not the only one. It's horrible.

Original poster

thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 20:59

Thanks random and brdgrl for understanding. It's been 9 months since he died, actually, and my baby's 7 months now so it's been a roller coaster since it all happened. Also the trial was only finished in February so feels pretty recent.
I expected unconditional support from dh and I didn't get it. It's upsetting but there we go. I won't forget it but as I know too well life isn't fair so on I plod.
Football might be life and death to some, including dh, but in comparison to actual, real, visceral life and death, it's fuck all. Not many people have walked in my shoes which is why I sought outside perspective. And thus thread has showed me that unless you've had my experiences, it's hard to understand. I'd hoped for more from dh but clearly he can't match my expectations and I need to accept that.

OP posts:

Original poster

thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 21:06

Thanks random and brdgrl for understanding. It's been 9 months since he died, actually, and my baby's 7 months now so it's been a roller coaster since it all happened. Also the trial was only finished in February so feels pretty recent.
I expected unconditional support from dh and I didn't get it. It's upsetting but there we go. I won't forget it but as I know too well life isn't fair so on I plod.
Football might be life and death to some, including dh, but in comparison to actual, real, visceral life and death, it's fuck all. Not many people have walked in my shoes which is why I sought outside perspective. And thus thread has showed me that unless you've had my experiences, it's hard to understand. I'd hoped for more from dh but clearly he can't match my expectations and I need to accept that.

OP posts:

Original poster

thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 21:07

Oops, double post, sorry!

OP posts:

Backinthering · 20/04/2014 21:24

OP I am so sorry for your awful loss. How raw and painful this must be for you.
Am horrified, just horrified that anyone could elevate a game of football to the same level of importance.

Garcia10 · 20/04/2014 21:35

OP - are you an only child? Do you it have any siblings who can support you? Sorry if this has already been addressed but I've skimmed the thread and can't see if you have mentioned brothers or sisters?

EddieStobbart · 20/04/2014 22:08

DH is a huge Liverpool fan, absolutely massive. However, I know he wouldn't dream of suggesting this meeting took place at a different time with him or at the arranged time without him, not if he knew I was upset about it. But that's because he isn't a twat.

EddieStobbart · 20/04/2014 22:13

To quote DH wrt to OP's DH actions "That's pish. It's pretty self evident you should be supporting your family before the football".

Jengnr · 20/04/2014 22:46

frankly I am disgusted at the comments of a few people here who seem to think that it's been a year therefore she should get over herself

If anyone had said anything of of the sort you'd be right to.

But they haven't.

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 22:50

There have been countless saying "it's been a year", "if he'd just died yes but it was a year ago", "it happened last year". What else are comments like that implying?

MrsSteptoe · 20/04/2014 23:10

They are not implying that she should get over herself. They are implying that the OP is no longer in the first throes of shock at events and that, since a meeting with the stepmother does not appear to be time-sensitive, perhaps it would be possible to compromise by arranging a meeting at a time that suits everyone. As Random is perfectly aware.

MrsSteptoe · 20/04/2014 23:18

As the thread's gone on, more has become evident, incidentally. It doesn't look particularly as though it's easy for the OP to rearrange, so a lot of those comments have been dealt with. But at no point did anyone say "get over herself". That came from one of Random's posts.

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 23:28

Who is anyone here to know whether she is in the throws of emotional shock?? I've not had someone close to me killed like that but I have had a few pretty horrendous things happen to me and I actually have post traumatic stress disorder and I can tell you now there is no timescale for trauma and shock, sometimes it doesn't hit for years and I would imagine your father being murdered would be pretty high up on the PTSD qualifying scale! How do you know that she doesn't need support now more than she did a year ago. Going through a loved ones belongings is one of the hardest parts of a death and I am not surprised she feels she needs support with this. She has explained that her step mum is hard to pin down, that she has a toddler and a 7 month old baby, and that finding a date to suit all has been difficult. She has said that her step mum has already talked of moving on and so obviously time is a factor as she wants to get in before the step mum throws anything out or clears through his stuff without her, and why should she have to wait any longer? It's been 9 months and I imagine she is desperate to hold on to something from her dad and for her kids. The fact is it's bloody football. It's nothing compared to a loved one who needs support. Even hardened football fans have said no way on this.

I feel I've said all I can on this now, it's just going to go in circles now but OP I am absolutely with you on this one, tbh this would be a deal breaker for me, I hope you can find someone else to go with you or try the letter idea and whatever happens I hope you get the items you want and the meeting goes well without any upset or offence on either side. I'm sorry you've had some really insensitive comments on this thread, I am quite gobsmacked to be honest, but I hope you are OK and can resolve this with your step mum.