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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is a twat?

257 replies

thesortingtwat · 19/04/2014 23:22

My Dad died suddenly, violently and intestate last year. Have been thrashing out probate with his wife since; a really trying and emotive situation. I am due to meet her next week to discuss and will need to be assertive as she's not willing to part with any of Dad's personal effects. Dh won't come as moral support as Liverpool are playing. Am I right I thinking he's a selfish twat?

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 21/04/2014 11:28

To be completely fair and honest after the CHELSEA result yesterday it's not quite as massive a game as when this thread began. I still don't understand how he's a bastard because there are two hours he would like for a time bound event out of basically forever WHEN HE HAS BEEN A GOID SUPPORT SO FAR.

My suggestion was that op and the kids go with him to a pub nearby for lunch afterwards which might be a good thing anyway, it would be for me as I would go home and stress whatever happened. The point is there is a compromise available, so why this level of upset? It's displaced anger. I'm not even sure if he's actually said he won't go or is just pointing out he wants to watch this game and could it be another time.

Doinmummy · 21/04/2014 11:30

I can't believe that people are basically saying that football comes above everything else! I'd be furious Op.

Good luck with the meeting and I'm so sorry you lost your dad .

Andrewofgg · 21/04/2014 11:35

MoaningLisa You are missing the point. You don't need your team to win this match, this trophy, any bloody trophy, this year, next year, any bloody year. You want them to.

OP needs and is entitled to her DH's support.

That's the difference.

Dysdiadochokinesia · 21/04/2014 11:37

Rhonda Jean the Chelsea game was on Saturday. And while there are various compromises which may be available OP's DH's first response was no because of the football. So unsurprising that she feels angry/upset really. Can't really see why you think it's displaced...

RhondaJean · 21/04/2014 11:43

Bloody hell my weekend has become a blur.

I think it's displaced because I think op is actually angry at the step mother?

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2014 11:51

FFS it's not only men that love football. I love it too. Passionately. But even I took a sharp intake of breath when I read the OP

If he's usually supportive I would perhaps give him a bit of leeway that he hadn't really thought it through when he said it. But I would also be upset.

OP I am so sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds like a terrible trauma for you all and I truly hope you can sort something out with your step-mum

Dysdiadochokinesia · 21/04/2014 11:52

Bank holiday weekends are often a blur I find Smile

Regarding the anger she has every reason to be angry at a lot of things to be fair.

RhondaJean · 21/04/2014 12:26

Oh absolutely, I'm not sure the best thing is directing it at her husband though when he's generally been really supportive. I'd be thinking different if he was not much help as a rule.

It's a terrible thing to have happened and I don't think you would ever get over it. A good friend of mines lost his dad in a similar way many years ago and he's still working out how to deal with it.

Now, I'm off to check the calendar to see when I'm supposed to be back to work...

maddy68 · 21/04/2014 12:35

Yes he is being selfish.it sounds as though he doesn't realise how much his presence means. You could compromise and rearrange. Go earlier in the morning or after the match?

Nennypops · 21/04/2014 12:56

There is no perspective to put this into. One is a game of football; the other is a difficult meeting at which OP needs her DH's support.

Yes there is. One is something that is particularly important to DH who has been supporting OP for 9 months solid, and there is nothing DH can do to change the date and time. The other is a meeting which could take place at another time, and DH is perfectly prepared to support OP at the same meeting at any other time. It is interesting, for instance, that the meeting is at the weekend - which sort of suggests that OP recognises that things like her own work also come first.

In marriage, there has to be a bit of give and take, whatever the circumstances. I fully understand how traumatic and devastating OP's father's death was and still is, but that really doesn't mean that her DH has to give up anything and everything over a long period and be available automatically whenever the OP decides. It also doesn't mean that, if the OP makes an arrangement without checking first whether he is available, she gets to demand that he give up something important to him rather than that she just rearranges the meeting. All she has said about that is in effect that it would be awkward, not that it would be impossible.

So the reality is that DH's support is available to OP, if she chooses to make it so.

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 13:11

For the last time, Nenny, I am upset because his first response to me saying stepmother had suggested the date was 'no, Liverpool are playing'. I think his first repsonse should have been 'ok. Can we work it so I can listen to the match en route?'
I understand how to compromise (thanks). I'm not going to reschedule because if I mess stepmother around it will piss her off.
It's not displaced anger. I know exactly why I'm angry and who I'm angry with. Please don't minimise it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 13:12

That last sentence was to Rhonda, sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 13:17

Alao, Nenny I am on mat leave. It is stepmother who works, not me. Hence the weekend.

OP posts:
MoaningLisa · 21/04/2014 13:23

Man City are 9 points behind Liverpool. There are 3 games left to play in this season, Man City can't win unless they have 3 wins in the next three matches and catch up in goals to LFC so mathematically MCFC won't win the title. The only team who could catch up is Chelsea but then even if they catch up in points the goal difference is 18 so unless they score 18 goals in the next three games......unlikely, whereas Man city are 8 goals scored against LFCs 96 goals scored.

Yes the OP wants her DH support which I am sure he will give her, I can also see the dhs side as to wanting to watch the biggest game of the season.

MoaningLisa · 21/04/2014 13:24

Can you not go Sunday morning or Saturday afternoon? I agree he could have worded his response better I.e listening to the game or going at a different time as not to clash with the game

clam · 21/04/2014 13:25

Also, without being too dramatic about this, we could be talking about the difference between the OP getting a couple of sentimental keepsakes from her dad, or not. If the SM is high maintenance, or difficult, or however you want to put it, and the dh's presence could help minimise that, then the stakes are even higher for the OP.

clam · 21/04/2014 13:27

However, we could argue the importance, or not, of a football game until the cows come home. The antis like me, are never going to get why die-hard fans get so worked up about it and vice versa.

The issue here is that there are two things clashing that each partner really wants to do. Who's going to lose most by conceding to the other?

Garcia10 · 21/04/2014 13:29

OP - I asked earlier in the thread but you must have missed it. Do you have siblings?

ForalltheSaints · 21/04/2014 13:30

I think the pub option myself.

happyscouse · 21/04/2014 13:33

moaning, City have 5 games still to play, 2 in hand on Liverpool and a superior goal difference. They still need Lpool to slip up but the leagues not a done deal yet (wish it was for mine and OPs sake!)

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 13:37

garcia, yes, my sister lives overseas.

OP posts:
Nennypops · 21/04/2014 13:38

So the reality is that the possibly unreasonable person here is stepmother who may, in your view, be pissed off if you tried to rearrange this appointment. Despite the fact that you get on with her, and she presumably fully realises that you have small children and may need a bit of flexibility. Is your anger maybe being displaced?

Also, although you didn't want to mess her around, you didn't check with DH on his availability before making the arrangement. What if he had just accrued a work commitment, or had just agreed to visit a friend or relative who would be distressed if he cancelled?

NinjaLeprechaun · 21/04/2014 13:42

I can understand that as a reflexive first response. (I'm not a soccer/football fan, but I am a sports fan, and I'd happily miss my own wedding if my team was in an important playoff game.)
A knee-jerk reaction is one given without thought, and that's what it sounds like you got from your Hubby, OP. On second thought he might be more willing to find a solution - such as the pub compromise, or recording the game.

Incidentally, the "sports fan = men" attitude from some people on this thread is outright offensive.

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 13:42

Can we stop discussing Liverpools chances, please. I don't really care.
I don't think the pub is a good idea with the children, I think they might be frightened. I know how carried away fans can get, especially if they have been drinking.

Best solution is for me to go alone.

OP posts:
Nennypops · 21/04/2014 13:42

Clam, I too don't get football mania. It's just I don't really see this as an issue of one partner having to concede - it's possible for both to get what they want. Yes, OP feels that there is a greater risk of not getting what she wants because she doesn't want to mess stepmother around, but (a) that's in no way a definite and is something she can probably get around with a lot of diplomacy, and (b) she took that risk in making the arrangements without checking.