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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is a twat?

257 replies

thesortingtwat · 19/04/2014 23:22

My Dad died suddenly, violently and intestate last year. Have been thrashing out probate with his wife since; a really trying and emotive situation. I am due to meet her next week to discuss and will need to be assertive as she's not willing to part with any of Dad's personal effects. Dh won't come as moral support as Liverpool are playing. Am I right I thinking he's a selfish twat?

OP posts:
RandomInternetStranger · 21/04/2014 20:17

Couldn't give a toss Ledkr, I've had more than enough of this now. It's a fucking game. This is his WIFE. The is no comparison. I'd dump him tbh, I really would.

Nennypops · 21/04/2014 20:18

What dreamingbohemian said. 100%.

RhondaJean · 21/04/2014 20:20

I'm hugely embarassed led, this is completely inappropriate.

RandomInternetStranger · 21/04/2014 20:24

No, what is inappropriate is people here seriously suggesting that a grieving daughter get over herself for expecting the support of her husband on an emotionally difficult and upsetting occasion, that she deal with a toddler and 7 month old baby at the same time, and that she should give the poor little dear a break because it must have been hard on HIM supporting her for a whole 9 months and through the birth of a new baby at such a horrendous time, because this match is an "important" one. THAT is what is inappropriate.

Quangle · 21/04/2014 20:24

I prefer random's clear statements to the passive aggressive stuff tbh.

Regardless, the OP still doesn't get to express her views without being told this match is more important than she thinks it is. Clearly her OP thinks it's more important than even appearing to care about this meeting. OP assuming you have to do this alone, have you thought about what you are going to say?

MrsSteptoe · 21/04/2014 20:25

Nope, I'm sufficiently confident of my worth that I can let him watch a game without needing to promote a confrontation that forces him to put me first. I know I come first.

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 20:26

I'm not dumping him. It's not ideal but it is what it is. I'll go with the baby and he can have the toddler. I'd like more support but clearly it's not forthcoming this time. I'll live.
nenny I've already asked you to back off.

OP posts:
MrsSteptoe · 21/04/2014 20:26

Oops, too many posts between Random's to me and my response. sorry about that, as it looks like a bit of a non sequitur.

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 20:30

Im just going to say to her that I'm sad not to have any of his posessions and if there's anything that wouldn't be too painful for her to part with then I'd be grateful. If that isn't possible then I'd like her to consider leaving me specific items in her will. I really don't want to sound grasping but obviously memories are all I have (none of these posessions have any monetary value, btw)

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 21/04/2014 20:30

Ok random, you're a lovely person, totally correct and entirely out to help the op, and none of this rant is to do with your unresolved issues about your xh in any way shape or form...

Op I truly and genuinely hope you get it sorted and I hope that you do find a way to be at peace with the whole thing eventually, I wish you all the best.

RandomInternetStranger · 21/04/2014 20:30

Steptoe but that is the point, the OP is not coming first. She needs him and he's not there because he wants to watch grown men play with a ball. It's not like she's asking him to come pick out a new hairbrush. I'm sure anyone can handle their partners choosing to do other activities sometimes, but not when there is a real and distressing situation and they have specifically asked for support.

Quangle · 21/04/2014 20:31

I have read the thread (honest) but missed what you said about her position. Has she told you you can't have anything at all?

RandomInternetStranger · 21/04/2014 20:33

Rhonda I know what it's like to be unsupported when you need it and to have a selfish husband who doesn't consider your needs and puts unimportant stupid things before his family and real serious issues and the emotional wellbeing of someone he claims to love. I'm happy for you that you clearly don't know what that feels like.

MrsSteptoe · 21/04/2014 20:33

No, I realise that, and if we could delete posts I'd have deleted that one, because although it was part of our exchanges, I realised it was tactless. Damn foot in mouth.

Ledkr · 21/04/2014 20:33

I have never disagreed with the fact that he should do what his wife needs him to do, way above football, I agreed with the first poster who just stated what a big deal it is for Lfc fans.
Actually I don't think many people have disagreed with the op and I've apologised and repeat that apology if at anytime I gave that impression.

RandomInternetStranger · 21/04/2014 20:35

sorting be very careful agreeing to things being left in her will. It sounds horrid but get that in writing if you can so if it is not in the will you can prove it later on. My step grandfather promised that and still threw it in the skip.

LittleBearPad · 21/04/2014 20:35

Sorting I know you said you didn't want to write a list of what you'd like because it would look like a shopping list but I honestly think it would be ok because it might help you to keep on track, it might also mean your step mum can see and have a think about it, if she doesn't decide there and then. I hope it goes well for you.

MrsSteptoe · 21/04/2014 20:36

Squabbling aside, Random, what happened to you was unforgivable.

ninaprettyballerina · 21/04/2014 20:36

Along the same lines....my DH refused to miss Arsenal matches at the first anniversary of my DMs death and her first birthday without her so I could travel to her graveside without my DCs. "But I've already booked my train tickets"

I never forgave him

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 20:37

That's right, Quangle

OP posts:
Quangle · 21/04/2014 20:37

My DF has also not made a will(deliberately) so will face a fraction of this one day.

One good piece of advice someone gave me once when I was in the midst of arguing with DF (not about the will- that's off limits Hmm) was to break the stand off situation by pretending his position was actually caring and loving (which it wasn't). Then he wouldn't start off defensive and would try to live up to my (imaginary) good expectations of him iyswim. It worked really well and made me feel in control rather than a victim. Would that help?

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 20:41

It's fine ledkr, I misunderstood.

OP posts:
Original poster
thesortingtwat · 21/04/2014 20:43

I don't know, Quangle....I could try

OP posts:
Lovecat · 21/04/2014 20:48

(((OP))) So sorry for your loss.

I've been a Liverpool fan for over 40 years. I am overjoyed that they are in with a chance of winning the premiership.

It still wouldn't be my first reaction to grump about missing the match when my partner asked for my support on such a sensitive and emotional issue.

He is a twat. YANBU.

Quangle · 21/04/2014 20:49

If you had a lovely pic of him, could you take a copy for her as you "know she would love to see it" or some such.

She should not be doing this but I've seen this before and people do behave badly in these situations. You might be able to disarm her.

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