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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is a twat?

257 replies

thesortingtwat · 19/04/2014 23:22

My Dad died suddenly, violently and intestate last year. Have been thrashing out probate with his wife since; a really trying and emotive situation. I am due to meet her next week to discuss and will need to be assertive as she's not willing to part with any of Dad's personal effects. Dh won't come as moral support as Liverpool are playing. Am I right I thinking he's a selfish twat?

OP posts:
clary · 20/04/2014 00:17

So sorry OP that you are having to deal with this.

However as a football wife I do think this is a big big deal for a Liverpool fan. I cannot imagine circumstances where I would ask DH to miss his team in the play-offs (roughly equivalent) to be at something with me. This is assuming yr DH is as massive a fan of his team. If so I guess you must know this.

I wonder if some compromise is possible, as others suggest, if he was just planning to watch on TV? Otherwise can someone else come with you - neutral and calm friend maybe? Is there someone you know who would fit that bill? Hope it goes well anyway.

MrsSteptoe · 20/04/2014 00:21

Can I just also say that pleading for clemency for a Liverpool fan is going well and truly against the grain in this Chelsea household, but I'm sure I'll be a better person for it...

LayMeDown · 20/04/2014 00:22

Hi OP I'm sorry about your Dad and that things are difficult with your stepmum. I know this is a very emotional time for you, made all the more difficult by the fact it is being dragged out over a long period.
However I have some sympathy for your DH if I'm honest. This match is HUGE for liverpool. Not just the most important of the season but probably of the past two decades for them. My DH is a big footie and I know he would be gutted to miss a match of such significance for his team. Because it is so important to him I would really try to accommodate him as much as I can.
Has you DH been supportive in general over this period? If so then this one time I may try to get someone else for moral support. If not then your issue isn't really the matc is it?

AgentZigzag · 20/04/2014 00:27

Is saying the DH is NBU to choose the footy over supporting his wife the same as saying the OP is BU for asking IYSWIM?

Are you a footy fan OP?

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 00:51

Not a footy fan but I try to understand. Have always thought it s bit silly though, I have to confess.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 20/04/2014 01:01

OP, he's a twat.
I cannot imagine circumstances where I would ask DH to miss his team in the play-offs (roughly equivalent) to be at something with me.
Seriously? I can barely imagine circumstances where I wouldn't expect DH to miss his beloved football if I needed his support, whether related to a bereavement (her DAD, for god's sake!), a business meeting, illness, or an emotional crisis.

SomethingProfound · 20/04/2014 01:12

Just read your post to my DP he is a die hard Liverpool fan and asked what he would do in this situation, his response was that if there was absolutely no way round it he would be there to support me. However he made the point that this is a really big deal for Liverpool and while he would be there physically he wouldn't mentally, and wouldn't actually be much support.

Can you not arrange the meeting pre or post match?

Mabelface · 20/04/2014 01:13

ffs, football is a fucking ball game, whereas momentoes if your dad are priceless. he's being unreasonable.

clary · 20/04/2014 01:16

That's me you're quoting brdgirl (which is fine btw) so I'll answer.

Yes, seriously. Thankfully I've not had to deal with bereavement lately, but yes, if his team were in the play-offs (looking likely this year) and got to Wembley, I am genuinely struggling to think of something which would lead me to ask him to miss the match.

Friend's wedding? forget it. Business meeting? ehh? Emotional crisis? Honestly, I think I would have to be in labour. Or getting married to him (he missed the match that day lol). He's a massive footy fan. I have always known this. If I needed him to be with me at an event, I would arrange it to avoid the footy.

Sorry OP this is not aimed at you. I have no idea of the massiveness of yr DH's fan-dom. Again, I do hope you can sort out your problems. Could you have a solicitor there or is that not appropriate? sorry if that's a stupid suggestion.

AgentZigzag · 20/04/2014 01:33

What if the OP genuinely does need her DH to be there for her clary? (She's already said she can't rearrange it) That him going with her would significantly reduce the distress she has before/after meeting up with her dads wife?

Isn't that minimizing how she feels for something he only enjoys doing?

He's a footy fan and wants to watch the match, which the OP probably wouldn't have any problem with if everything was running smoothly, but she's struggling and needs him to take care of her. It's not a weakness to admit you need help. If he argues the toss that it's 'important' to him, then he shouldn't be surprised when the OP starts noticing she's not his top priority and LTB.

clary · 20/04/2014 01:39

Hey I don't know about the OP, as I have said twice.

I only know about my situation and so I was using some transference to try to understand where her DH was coming from. I know that I would struggle to get my husband to be at anything on Wembley final day that wasn't at Wembley. That's just him and me, y'know. I was answering another poster in my last post.

If I were the OP I would discuss it further with my DH and see if we could compromise, as I said in my first post.

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 06:48

I'm just really shocked that he thinks it's acceptable to let me have to deal with a pretty horrible situation by myself (and with the children) because he wants to see a football match. Football to me is entertainment, not an imperative. My Dad was murdered, I'm massively traumatised still which is why I was seeking opinions here but actually I now realise that putting a football match ahead of me is totally twattish.
I don't want him to come with me now, fuck him, he can watch the football if it's that important to him, but it's definitely highlighted to me where we stand and where we might be heading.

OP posts:
WhosLookingAfterCourtney · 20/04/2014 06:57

OP, this is unbelievable. I'm so sorry Thanks

Football is a tv show. Him watching or not watching will nit change the outcome.

Can't actually believe mners are defending your h.

WhosLookingAfterCourtney · 20/04/2014 06:58

*not

bossykate · 20/04/2014 07:02

I am so sorry you lost your father in such a way :sad:

Andrewofgg · 20/04/2014 07:06

Not twattish. Unforgiveable.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 20/04/2014 07:22

Op I'm so sorry about your dad. My dad died over 3 years ago and I cannot imagine any circumstances where my dh wouldn't be there for me. Even last night I went to take some flowers to his grave and afterwards he said he knew I must be feeling down.

He is a prize twunt and for me I don't think I could get passed this . How has he been aside from this?

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 07:49

I don't think dh is being that much of a twat, really. If you needed his support, maybe you should have discussed it with him first before you fixed the date for this meeting?

StampedLetter · 20/04/2014 08:10

Sorry to hear about your dad.

He is being selfish. And leave the kids with him for the meeting! the last thing you need is to have the kids with you at such a time.

coolcookie · 20/04/2014 08:13

Can't believe anyone can think football is more important than your situation op.
Although my dh, his parents and ds pissed off to wembley on dds birthday. They were gone all day and ds came back wjth a souvenir from grandparents ann dd got told off on her birthday by mil for touching it.

coolcookie · 20/04/2014 08:14

O and sil kindly offered to have dd for me so I could go too. Err no I actually don't want my dd to be left by both parents on her birthday.

HannerHet · 20/04/2014 08:21

Of course he is BU, it's a bloody game of football.

Andrewofgg · 20/04/2014 08:23

Let’s go into a bit more detail. You lost your DF in a way that does not bear thinking about and doubtless your DSM is also traumatised. But you have to get together and it’s not going to be easy.

Meanwhile there is an event in which there is a field, a round piece of plastic, and two overgrown fishing nets, and twenty-two men running around the first trying to propel the second into the third. And your DH thinks watching it is more important than supporting you.

If you can get by leaving him in charge of the DC, that may be a way out. But if not you need to tell him that he has to be there and bugger the television, bugger football, bugger Liverpool

Tell your manchild to record it. Promise him that on the way home you will switch the radio off and that when you get home you will take care that he does not learn the result, and that you will turn the recording on and pause it just before kick-off so that he can watch it without knowing what happened. That seems “reasonable” when you are dealing with anyone so irrational.

But if you want him there he has to be there.

Good luck and I hope it goes well.

Original poster
thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 08:24

I didn't get the chance to discuss it with him - it all happened very quickly. Basically I'm just hurt that his first priority was the football and not me and my situation. And that he chose to express his disappointment to me meaning that now I'll feel bad if he does come because I'll know he'd rather be with fucking Liverpool.

OP posts:
RedPony · 20/04/2014 08:25

I have just read your op to my DP who is also a massive football fan and his response was "what the fuck?" he agrees your DP is being a twat and so do I.