Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

It sounds awful. For now, treat your new home as a flat. If the children want to play outside, you can take them to the park. Loads of people with small children live in flats, and it is quite do-able. Look at the positives - you have a small home of your own to live in, for a tiny rent + bills. A chance to pay off your debts and start again. I really do think it's your DH the locks are for. After what he's done (unintentionally, I'm sure if this is from long ago), to their daughter and grandchildren, they probably never want to set eyes on him again, let alone have to see him every day!

He sounds like a con artist OP in general, conning instituations, conning you by misleading you about his dodgy past, conning people in a new area, conning you out in general. I think this is a case of LTB, or serve him divorce papers when he is inside and be done with him.

If my daughter and grandchildren's lives were fucked up as yours are, I would not only be fuming at him I would be cross at my DD for not dumping him and having to live with him. No wonder you DF was fuming at him sat in his living room, sat on his sofa uninvited.

That's likely the reason for the irritability, GiddyUp. They're full of conflict between wanting to support their daughter in keeping things going and wishing their son-in-law would fall off the face of the earth. And that's not going to go away, I think. (Unless he does.)

So the guy is a soon-to-be convicted fraudster who has dumped his wife and kids on his in-laws as he's allergic to legitimate work. Lovely.

OP, no wonder you're depressed. And your parents sound saintly. Honestly, I would get counselling for the awful situation you've been in. You don't deserve this.

I get the impression that your parents are fairly well to do (large house, with the ability to convert into a self contained apartment), and you have obviously done well for yourself professionally.

Do you think that your parents may think that your DH saw your whole family set up in an opportunistic way?

I can see it from your parents' point of view. I would rather not share my home with another family, rent of no rent. I would find it incredibly difficult to tolerate SIL if he had ruined my DD and DGC lives.

It occurs to me that you shouldn't even have had to tell dh to behave better about your parents' house restrictions, it should be obvious to him that thanks to his actions you have to make the best of it. Are you convinced enough that what happened was a mistake/dh was unlucky and is he genuinely sorry for what's happened?

OP I am so sorry. I have to be honest, when I first read your post I thought what awful parents. As I've been reading along I now feel bad for All involved.

Not to sound harsh but do you want to stay married to DH? Forget what it was like before he got found out, you were lied to about his past by omission no matter how long ago it was. Would you marry him now for the man he is? My own dh made a huge mistake a year ago and I would never have expected him to lie so convincingly to me that I would be so totally flabbergasted by what he did. I see myself as a pretty good judge of character so it Does happen that even those closest to us might be not what they seem. We have it sorted...but if you were to marry him today...would you?

I agree with the others, the sand table and going around to the garden are a PITA but try to imagine they are completely different flats and it will work out so much better.

Throw as much money at debt as you can and save as much as humanly possible. Look into declaring bankruptcy and start off with a fresh leaf. When dh is away can you go to work full time if you aren't already? I don't think it sounds bad at All if him going is going to make it easier for you. You might like it a whole lot better, and you have your whole life ahead of you to find someone you deserve.

Perhaps your parents would like your DHs family to help with this situation.

To those people who calculated 'about £8,000'- can't seriously believe OPs incredibly kind parents see this as a money spinner in any way.

Your dcs will adapt-mine adapted to living up 72 stairs and no lift at one point (and no nice new flat at the top- or garden to play in). A secure warm home, however small, is a lovely thing to have.
Perhaps your DH should read this thread.

He hasn't ruined all your lives forever, you have had to take a temporary step back from living in a big house into a two bed flat, like many people live in. Similarly, he hasn't ruined your career, you will be out of there in a couple of years and I strongly suggest you restart it at that point (I know you still work in that area, I mean restart it by moving and doing the job you prefer). This is all catastrophic thinking caused by stress and depression.

It is possible to both love someone and hate what they have done to you and your family. I don't think the OP should make any hard and fast decisions unless she really needs to- just as I don't think you should stand by your man in some misguided attempt at loyalty, I also don't think you should immediately LTB because of this, unless you want to and you believe you would be better off apart.

Good luck- I found that talking about difficult things like this helped as it is very easy to feel shamed and isolated, but you know what, once you start telling people, you will find lots of others who have anything from rocky marriages to money worries and bankruptcy to having relatives in prison. It is nothing to be ashamed off and if you reach out to a few select people you might feel an awful lot better. You have done nothing wrong, and living next to granny and grandad won't hurt your little ones one bit for a couple of years.

Get through the court case. I think the two separate dwellings is sensible for now. They may relax once the court case is over but even if not treat it as your own little home. Yes you can't freely access their bit, but nor can they barge in on you.

Good luck!

Me and my Ds are just about to move to a shitty flat on the third floor of a block with no garden and no outside space :(

We have a beautiful garden currently and I've spent lots of money creating a beautiful children's paradise in it... All of which we have to leave behind. He doesn't understand yet that we are leaving his playhouse, slide, flower pots, tunnels and trees and plants and worms and sand pit and paddling pool ... All gone. I do and my heart is breaking. In a horrible sort of way I feel like I'm taking it all from him, stealing it from him.

But we'll adapt, we have to, and it could be worse, we could be homeless. I'm currently mourning what has happened. Then ive got to pull myself together and lie through my teeth to Ds and help him look on the bright side and pretend its not a big thing that we are moving somewhere worse.

The whole sand and water play resonated with me as you can see! I'm hung up on it at the mo, and am sure you are, but it's ok, children wont get emotionally scarred by the lack of a garden (I keep telling myself! And it's true really).

It's bloody hard and I feel for you. I too am a highly respected professional btw and in recent years have had to come to terms with the fact that life can collapse for people like me too.

And yes, you can't stop a partner from destroying stability and future for your family... like bailing out the Titanic with a teacup.

I avoided going bankrupt but paid back slower by going through CAP (Christians against poverty - but you don't have to be a Christian), who really couldn't understand why I wouldn't go bankrupt but were willing to work with me in spite of that. I would heartily recommend - I'm assuming you can't go bankrupt / have ccj's etc because of your profession?

Anyway, a long way of saying... I feel for you. I empathize, and please, just talk on here and get support, life is rubbish and you need it!

Miscellaneous, when you have time have a look at your local Wildlife Trust- ours has lots, starting with preschool Naturetots and a lot for older children in the way of outdoors and worms and making things. Your ds might like it and make new friends. My ds also went from a lovely garden to growing things on a windowsill- it's amazing how adaptable children are. The hardest bit is keeping up the act for yourself. Good luck.

MiscellaneousAssortment. That's a moving post. . I hope everything goes ok for you and your family.

For all those saying many children live in flats... yes they do, but somehow it is worse to go from something nice to something a lot worse, than never having it in the first place.

also it is really hard not to get focussed on/overwhelmed by the smaller probelms when there is so much other stress factors in the balance.

can you afford to pay for th outside tap to be mended? would your dad lend you the money if you pay him back?

I can see that your parents need their own living space. I would, but perhaps your mum will allow you to fill up the water tray from their tap every now and again if you are respecting all their other boundaries.

Miscellaneous.

some people have slides inside, and sand trays. (you need to get custody of the good hoover though or never have bare feet in that room. )

Gosh OP, you really need to see this from your parents point of view. They are doing you SUCH a massive favour.

They need their space. Let them have it. Don't argue or think of how inconvenient it is for you. Think about how inconvenient it is for THEM to have you all move in with them at this time in their lives. You should be thinking of them as your knights in shining armour.
You need to be thinking of what makes life easier for them, not what makes life easier for you. Be grateful for the sacrifices they are making to bail your family out.

It is a horrible time for you and your DC. But horrible time for your parents also. Please, focus on the positives of what your parents have done for you. Not on the negatives.

Meanwhile, you have my utmost sympathy. It is a horrible situation for you. But you will make it easier for everyone if you recognise the sacrifice your parents have made, rather than feel hard done by regards rules they have put in place.

Kids will love anything if it's presented to them positively. When my dd was 5 or 6 she went to a friend's house for a playdate and came home going on and on and on about how amazing their pool was and how she wanted one like that. I was beside myself trying to figure out what this mansion and pool must be like as we have a rather large and beautiful pool in our backyard ourselves. After putting a lot of thought into trying to figure out how to discuss this with dd, I finally called up the mum to try and figure out exactly what this amazing pool was like....Turned out she lived in a council flat with no backyard (just a communal patio) and the fancy pool was an 8' inflatable wading pool with 6" of water in it. Dd had never seen one before and was enthralled by it...I learned a big lesson from that one.
I can also relate to marrying someone who had a long ago past that became problematic in our marriage. I fooled myself into thinking that staying together was worth the hassle because he was such a wonderful father. Turned out that not only was he a terrible, unfaithful husband, he turned out to be a terrible father and my dc's would have been much better off if I had left him ages ago.

So the guy is a soon-to-be convicted fraudster who has dumped his wife and kids on his in-laws as he's allergic to legitimate work. Lovely.

Maybe not so much "allergic" as no employer will touch him with his background?

Whatever, the case, he should be down on his hands and knees giving thanks to the in laws for providing a home for his wife and children for a peppercorn rate whilst he is unable to - not adding to her stress by refusing to abide by the house rules.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Your parents are being very kind to you. Giving you and your children your own place to live when you have lost your own home through (what sounds like) a lot of very bad decisions on your husband's, and your, part.

Your husband sounds like an arse and as if he isn't taking responsibility for his mistakes and expecting other people to pick up his mess.

Agree with those say your DH does not sound like a good husband.

Assume you cannot go bankrupt because of your profession? Finance/accountant?

Sell the water table or turn it into a sand only one. Filling it up sounds like too much trouble.

Treat the garden like a very nearby park. Take a potty and pack everything you will need to play when you go into the garden.

I think there are more professions where filling bankruptcy equals loosing right to practice that profession: "Certain legal fields – you cannot be a member of the Law Society, for example.

Certain financial fields – you cannot be an Insolvency Practitioner or a Stockbroker.

Estate Agency

Pub Licensees"

What an awful situation for you OP - really feel for you. One practical thing struck me reading your posts and that is getting a wifi extender. They cost about 60 quid and basically use the wiring inside the house to boost the signal in another part. They just plug in and are very easy to use.

In a similar vein, I think putting in place other practical solutions where you can for all the issues that are likely to arise in your living arrangements may help you feel more in control. I hope you are all able to find a way of living together amicably

What an awful situation OP. I don't have any suggestions other than getting the outside tap fixed so the DC can have water in the garden more easily. The hose from a tap might work but you'd need someone on each end.

Your husband deceived you and doesn't seem to be helping the situation at all as far as I can see from your posts. Is his family helping you out? Yours are doing so much yet you are the innocent partner in this.