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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

277 replies

seriouslyhadenough · 19/04/2014 16:52

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/04/2014 19:08

Sounds terribly stressful OP.

But you haven't been "banned" from anywhere, you have your own space!

Can't believe your husband was in their part!

As for the trips to the garden-a shed or some form of storage?

Itsfab · 19/04/2014 19:09

Do you think you parents didn't really want your DH there so are being unwelcoming in the hope you can all find somewhere else quicker - or are you trying to push you to divorce him? Mean to let children have a difficult time though.

AreWeThereYeti · 19/04/2014 19:09

Gosh, it sounds like you are having a terrible time. Sad
I suspect that this is the type of thread where it is difficult to give meaningful advice as there is clearly a huge complicated backstory.

I can see where your parents are coming from by cordoning off parts of the house, it must seem harsh but they probably want space apart from your family. This DOESNT mean they don't love you or want to support you. It just means they want some piece and quiet Confused

The awkward logistics of using the garden etc are really of no consequence, I think you need to just deal with it. It's not great but it's not insurmountable.

Your parents are thinking long term and you all have the best chance of this arrangement working long term if you have all the boundries in place now.

Like many posters have already said,I suspect your parents dislike your DH. You must be able to understand this even if you don't like it. If you really can't accept it then this arrangement won't work. You don't need to have it out with your parents either. It's just the way it is Sad

Hopefully, things will settle down soon.

Btw, you can buy one of the wifi extenders shown in the picture on Amazon to solve the problem of poor wifi in your accomodation.

Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms
RedNosedClone · 19/04/2014 19:09

My heart goes out to you, OP, you sound to be in a truly awful situation.

It must be very hard for your parents to see all this happen to you, and have the main cause of your situation living under their roof.

You are all under an incredible amount of stress. But at least you have hope of eventually redressing your situation thanks to your great career.

I think your DPs feel that as you have your own independent space, you shouldn't need to encroach on theirs. Perhaps you could try to reach a compromise over access to the garden, ie you go through the kitchen but don't let the children play with water/trail sand in?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/04/2014 19:11

"What I mean is I am sceptical that someone would spend 1000s on a conversion just for their child to live in it for two years. If they have spent 1000s on it they probably intend to keep it afterwards (e.g. to rent to others etc)."

Not necessarily if they get the money back from their DD through the rent! Also, they may be in doubt that she will be leaving after a couple of years.

MariaJenny · 19/04/2014 19:13

It's very disrupting if you are older and suddenly have tiny children around in your space. I think they are being reasonable. As for a necessity to play with a particular water toy (!) many children don't have water toys and it never killed them not to. Just pack it away until you can afford your own place.

AreWeThereYeti · 19/04/2014 19:15

Btw - I think the fact you find it hard to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is neither here nor there. They would only be bothered by this if you are 'projecting' how bothered you are by it. IYSWIM

teenybash7 · 19/04/2014 19:15

Well, OP, I'm not surprised you've had enough! What an awful situation. At first I was really annoyed at your parents' attitude - I think you do what you can for your children, no matter what, but it does sound as if your DH is the root of the problem.

Try and hang on and see what it's like when he's gone away for a while, and in the meantime, ask your GP for some help. Ok, pills aren't always the answer, but they sure as hell make things more bearable while your looking for the real answer.

I'll be thinking of you.

OcadoSubstitutedMyHummus · 19/04/2014 19:15

God what a horrid situation for you OP

Your DH needs to STFU and live with the restrictions. He is the author of your misfortune and needs to be gracious in the understandable if irritating restrictions your parents have imposed.

Try and make the best of if and foret about the water play, simply not worth it.

Depends on your profession but in your shoes I would also consider going bankrupt to get a clean sheet to start with.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/04/2014 19:16

Not the central point, I know, but could you get a cheapie plastic tool chest to keep the toys in, so you don't have to drag them all they way round each time?

teenybash7 · 19/04/2014 19:16

'You're' not 'your'!

whatever5 · 19/04/2014 19:21

Not necessarily if they get the money back from their DD through the rent! Also, they may be in doubt that she will be leaving after a couple of years.

It would cost money to convert back though wouldn't it?

LushAndVerdant · 19/04/2014 19:22

It does sound awkward for you, but I agree with others who have said that not being allowed in some parts of the house is the flip side of your parents having gone to the trouble of creating self-contained accommodation for you. Living with family for two years (or possibly more?) is only tenable if everyone has some privacy and personal space.

I agree too about not focussing on the relatively minor inconvenience of indirect access to the garden and not projecting onto the children.

Your husband, in the circumstances, ought to be contrite, not bolshy.

girliefriend · 19/04/2014 19:23

Hi OP sorry just skim read the thread but I feel really very sorry for you and fwiw I do not think yabu Sad

Are you on the council housing list? You may be given some priority if you are having to live with relatives or be homeless esp as you have two small children, this is often done on a bidding system now so you get some choice over where you live.

Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 19/04/2014 19:24

oh I completely agree it will be easier when he goes. terrible isnt it Sad

this may sound bizarre but what he did was a very long time ago. before we even knew each other. when it all came out it ruined his ability to earn money. we moved away to hide from it effectively and also to be nearer parents which in turn, destroyed my career.

he is, actually, a very very good father. my son is going to be utterly devastated by him not being around Sad its all so messed up Sad

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/04/2014 19:24

"Not necessarily if they get the money back from their DD through the rent! Also, they may be in doubt that she will be leaving after a couple of years.

It would cost money to convert back though wouldn't it?"

Without wishing to be hurtful to OP, maybe they think she wont be leaving. Or that if she does, she will be back.

Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 19/04/2014 19:30

to be clear I am not at all bad with money myself, not at all. I desperately tried to save dh from financial ruining but it was like shovelling a teaspoon of sand into a sink hole which I didn't realise until it was too late. coupled with unpaid mat leave and here we are.

I cant go bankrupt.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 19/04/2014 19:31

Op i feel for you i really do but it would be worse if they expected you to sit in with them every night.At least this way you all have privacy.Kids are very adaptable and it wont bother them half as much as you think it will.

Also i thin the person you need to have a chat with is your hubby,he has to respect their bounderies other wise i think you will be homeless for real very soon.And it wont e down to your parents it will be down to your dh.

Gen35 · 19/04/2014 19:33

It sounds though that moving nearer your parents was the right thing to do even if it affected your career as friends often can't be relied upon in these situations so was a good decision. Try and look at all the good things you have done to get things sorted out. Your dc are small enough to cope with the absence, and small enough that you can be evasive about where dh is.

itispersonal · 19/04/2014 19:34

I think it will take time to settle in and get used to each others way of living. As living someone is always harder than when you're visiting for a few days etc.

I don't think Yabu with the padlocks that is very terrorial tho your df may have felt it was his only option to set boundaries and may just be a temporary measure for things to settle down.

Although it is a bug bear with the garden, kitchen etc and this is made worse by problems pending with your dh.

I think £300 is very reasonable for a self contained living space. My d friend pays more than that to stay in her parents house with her hubby, 2 babies and dog andthere any only own space is a small living room and their bedrooms. And this is a small 3 bed semi. They have been living with them over 3 years, was only meant to be a year and the relationship between friend and parents has certainly changed and been frayed and causes lots of arguments between them all.

Original poster
seriouslyhadenough · 19/04/2014 19:35

I had a chat this pm and said we need to do as they want and just come up with solutions.

he appeared amenable as I was visably upset about the whole thing. I did remind him why we are here. I also pointed out that not many men would be going where he is going safe in the knowledge their children are safr and warm and cared for...

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/04/2014 19:35

He may be very good with your DS - in terms of playing with him etc I suspect - but is he good with/for you ? You said much earlier

......Me and DH arguing runs very very deep with some serious problems which I am also mentally battling at the moment......

Northernlurker · 19/04/2014 19:35

Bluntly I doubt your marriage will survive the strain of sharing space with people who (understandably) are very angry with one of you. Do you actually WANT to stay married OP? It's ok to say that you don't just as much as it is to say that you do. If you don't - well you've got some security with your parents - let that help you to end things. If you do want to stay married though then you and your husband need to be talking in terms of putting up and shutting up for the time needed. When he has fulfilled his obligations to society and is back with you then you will need to get out quick and live independently again and he will have to accept I think that there are some changes in your relationship regarding money and trust.

antimatter · 19/04/2014 19:37

Looks like being good wife cost you lots of money, took toll on you career and now impacts your relationship with your parents.

Very high price to pay!

One day soon when everything settles you are going to make serious decisions about you life.

I can only imagine how stressful your life is.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/04/2014 19:38

Op i am not sure if this is applicable to you but when the time comes for dh to go, will you be able to apply for benefits/tax credits as a lone parent?