Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

OP I would imagine your parents are struggling massively with having him in their home. I'm sure things will improve. You all need time to adjust. Good luck.

I am so sorry, seriously, it sounds like you have had a really tough time and that it's expected to continue that way for a while.

Makes me especially sorry to say that, yes, I do think YABU. Your parents have done a fantastic thing, to try and make life a bit easier for you in this tough time.

With their own hands (your dad's anyway ) they have converted their home, to create a little apartment. It's got bedrooms (two?), a living area and an open plan kitchen. It has it's own access. Okay it's up a stair and it doesn't have a garden, but loads of apartments are up a stair and don't have a garden. At least there is a garden you can use nearby (your parents'), albeit that you've got to go outside and walk a short distance to get there.

Not only have they created all this for you and their grandchildren, but they are also allowing their son-in-law to live there, despite the fact that they quite possibly hate him right now. They are doing this for you and your children.

You all have a lot to get used to and it's been just three weeks. Yet already you are pushing the boundaries and wanting greater access to their home (the part they have left) and your husband has the audacity to make free with their sitting room, in their absence and without a by-your-leave. The only way he should be entering their part of the property is via the front door, by their invitation.

As I said in the beginning, you've clearly had a really tough time, so ... while I do think it's awful that you are complaining about your parents in this way ... I do understand that it's probably shock that's causing you to be like this. Such a shame, your parents deserve nothing but respect from you and your husband at this time. I hope things get better for you, seriously.

This sounds harsh but you have a roof over your head - you will be saving money while trying to pay debts off - it is very hard having someone live in your home and sounds like your dm and df are trying to help you

Whatever dh did in the past and may be going inside is a scary thought - once I thought the same About my dh but luckily he got a suspended sentence

But sounds like you almost will be happier if dh is absent? Sorry if I have read that wrong

Space - dh did go into their living room when not meant to so not surprised your parents were pissed off

Hope things get resolved

Do you still love your husband? I'm not sure I could. He may be a great dad but it doesn't mean he is a great partner. I don't normally say this but given the circumstances and how you are feeling I'd use the time he's away to seriously rethink your relationship. You might find you are better off financially on your own especially as you have a profession and supportive parents to perhaps help with childcare. Look on entitled to. Com and see what help you might be able to get as a single parent. It's not easy but then neither is this.

Op are you absolutely certain he will be going?

Some solicitors strike deals these days.

My heart goes out to you & your dc xx

So, the positive is that you are paying a really low rent so presumably you can make a dent into your debt. Also, I'd have thought even with the restrictions of the 'flat within a house' you still have a higher standard of accommodation than you would for that price on the open market.

The water table/access to the garden seems a very small thing to be bothered about, given everything else, have you perhaps become a bit focussed on that because it's somehow become a symbol of what your life has become? Did you have a big house and loads of playing the garden before?

I had money worries at the same time as depression, and sorting out the depression really helped me to cope with the money worries, so definitely see the GP and see whether you are actually depressed.

I don't think your parents are being unreasonable, clearly asking your DH to stay out of their zone hasn't worked, so what else are they to do? And for everyone saying you should just pop through the kitchen or negotiate for access, surely the reason your parents created a self contained flat was so that you wouldn't have any areas in common. I completely understand that.

Keep going OP, you're under enormous strain, you just need to accept that for now you live in a flat, and try to take the personal regarding your relationship with your parents out of it.

Oh poor you again.
You are stuck in the middle.
If you were my DD I would be furious with your DH and frustrated at having to help him in order to help you and your children. Getting up in the morning and finding him on my sofa would indeed grate.

The irony is exactly that I think life will be way easier when he is away.

I woud talk to your parents and say how hard you are finding it. I suspect they said yes because they love you but are reigning back because he is irritating them.

Separating their home was a clear message that they expect their own space. They may not want to share their garden. At three weeks in I'd expect they feel you should still be on your best behaviour.

Ground rules would be helpful and its a shame your df won't be straightforward.

It's early days and whilst your dh may boil their piss, they may need to find common ground for the long-term.

I assume he will be going away pretty soon? So horrid as this sounds things will settle down. It will be easier in the house and you can step back and consider what you want from live and whether you actually want him back when he is free again.

How long are you expecting him to be away for?

a couple of years I imagine.

thank you so much everyone for all of your responses. I never realised how much just talking about this would help.

That is miserable bloody luck, op . Moving away to escape what he'd done, destroying your career in the process, and he's going away anyway...
Hope things get better for you soon, you deserve some better luck.

Sounds like you dparents are more upset with your dh and his impact on their ddaughter's life than they let on and the impact on their privacy by this man is too much for them - once he's in prison it'll be much better.

Naturally they have to lock up their home because you and your dh are refusing to respect their private space. They have been kind enough to allow you part of their home, that's intrusive enough, they don't want to lose their entire house. Treat their space as you would a next door neighbour and stay out unless invited in.

Yabvvvu, they're suffering enough because of your dickhead husband. At least you have the freedom to get rid of him if you feel like it. They don't have that choice.

When your H goes away, suspect the locks will come off and the rules relaxed.

Sounds really tough for you OP x

sounds like things will be easier for all. Stay strong.

Obviously I don't know what he did, but could the locks also be making the point - consciously or unconsciously - that they don't feel safe with him / don't think you are safe? Sorry to write that so abruptly.

If it was me, I would apply for a divorce when he is away, move back to where you were and get your career up and running again. He sounds like he is dragging you down, as a family, your career, your reputation and your finances. You sound like you were conned by this Man.

I think now that your parents are putting that rent money away for you in the hope you will dump him.

If I were them I would be putting locks on the doors too, he sounds dodgy and he has fucked up the lives of their daughter and grandchildren. I feel sorry for your parents, you and the children.

Good to hear this is helping

If you'll pardon me for planing amateur psychologist I suspect you're focussing on the house access point which whilst annoying isn't insurmountable as the giant elephant in the room of being royally screwed over my your husband's actions is too big to deal with and instead it is easier to rage at people you know love you unconditionally

Oh dear. I presume you have focused on the water table because it's easier than thinking of the entire big picture. It's something you can resolve, it has a solution- the rest of it is too huge to get your head round even if you wanted to.

Are you able to talk honestly with your parents without your DH around? Have you discussed the near future with them?

What a truly horrible situation for you I can understand it can't feel nice for your parents to lock a door on you.

I agree with ohhelp, it may be less stressful to think of it not as sharing their home but as two separate houses, as it sounds as if your parents envision it that way. Neighbours. I've rented an apartment within a large house like that, with the locked doors that provided the 'wall' between the two homes, and it was a case of not seeing the other house as any part of our territory. Much easier between strangers rather than family, I agree, but there's some truth in the saying 'good fences make good neighbours'. Particularly if at the moment your parents are having to bite their lips to avoid saying what they think of what's happening to their daughter and grandchildren.

It's a change for the children but they will quickly get used to the boundaries of their home and understand about visiting GPs rather than having the run of the whole house, and locked doors take away the potential for accidental 'visits' from curious little ones and will reduce the pressure on you to keep them within bounds or have to make apologies for slip ups. And it does make your home entirely and privately yours, rather than shared territory.

oh no locks are not because they dont trust him in that way. its a complicated financial case involving many people and institutions but I cant say anymore.

conned by him is exactly how they feel. in fact they have used those exact words. as have I

I think your parents are frustrated with him being there, as they blame him for your woes.

I wonder if you kicked him out how much more forth coming they might be to you and the kids.

He also seems to be a lot of the reason you are on the brink, is there some reason you are keeping hold of him?

Or would you do better to ask him to leave? Could your parents be upset with you because you are still supporting him and see you as not sorting things out for you and the kids do you think?

Do you actually like him and would want to be with him if you didn't have the DCs?

Many older generations (such as your parents) have a belief that a woman should 'stick it out', especially if there are children and I'm not underestimating the power of obligation in your relationship with him. But you seem to be being driven into the size of a small puddle after all this and I'm not sure it's the best thing for anyone apart from your husband.