Moved in with parents, parents installing doors and locks and banning us from certain rooms

[seriouslyhadenough]

We (me, DH and two children - 3 & 2) moved in with parents three weeks ago (financial reasons mainly - either this or be homeless - long story - another thread maybe).

They have converted part of the house to give us bedrooms and living area with open plan kitchen space.

However since we moved in things are extremely fraught whereby we have been banned from certain areas of the house which would sort of be fine if it were just me and DH but with two young children it is proving exceptionally stressful.

For example they have put a lock on their kitchen door so we cant go out the back door into the garden. Instead we have to go out the front door, open a huge gate, all round the back of the house (big house), another gate and into the garden. Again fine if just us but getting two small children around there with all the bits and bobs they want is hard (and don't mention when DD needs a wee and having to drag them both all the way back round again).

They have a water table play thing which means we have to fill up a bucket in our sink, carry it down a flight of stairs through two baby gates, through the house, out into the porch, out the front door, shutting all doors behind us, through the big gate, around the back of the house, through another gate to the garden. It needs three refills... and there is a sink just inside the back door.

DF has said things like "I came down stairs this afternoon and found him (DH) sitting on our sofa" as if it were the crime of the century. DH was just trying to get w Wi-Fi connection as where we are on the house the signal isn't good. That's when the doors and bolts went up.

Trying to explain to two small children why they aren't allowed in certain parts of the house is hard (particularly when they were allowed in them before we moved in).

I am genuinely confused whether IABU? I am frankly in tears after the last debacle of complaints about a few grains of sand on the floor from DD playing in the sandpit :-( :-(

DH and I are arguing because I am trying to get him to obey their wishes and it is causing me a great deal of stress.

All I have is (((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))

Whatever, the case, he should be down on his hands and knees giving thanks to the in laws for providing a home for his wife and children for a peppercorn rate whilst he is unable to - not adding to her stress by refusing to abide by the house rules.

Why would he follow the house rules, he can't follow the rules of society or the law of the land. I expect he breaks all kinds of rules all the time, as he probably thinks they don't apply to him. He has a wife who picks up after him and now inlaws picking up his mess too, he really is a good con artist.

Yes, so the locks on the doors are about them being clear about boundaries. He doesn't recognise or respect boundaries, so they make theirs clear, without taking on a role of having to parent him.

They have done you all a massive favour, OP, and the locks show how much they care, in a way.

Agree with treat this as a separate place, imagine a cramped council flat.

I think your parents are probably struggling, they are providing a home (although you pay) for their daughter and grandchildren, they are also providing a home for someone they probably see as destroying their daughter's life. This will particularly grate when you are out at work and they see him not trying to provide, which you see him as being a great father taking the children to the park.

You might feel disgust at this next suggestion but how about a bucket or a potty when you go to the garden? You could put a child in a corner and hold a towel up so that no one sees anything, not that it should matter with LOs.

Or plan things that include your parents, sort of "dad, ds would like to show you his paddling pool, he wants to fill it himself, but you know he can't can you help him?'

OP I just wanted to add my own
You are obviously in shock at the terrible time you are going through right now.

I think it's clear that your parents love you very much. And like many others I suspect they are taking a token rent off you so they can put it somewhere safe where your DH can't reach it.

Your DH showed his absolute disregard for their privacy and by the sound of it didn't even say sorry (or see anything wrong with) invading their space. He wanted his Wi-Fi working, he went and got it. He sounds selfish and sociopathic in his outlook. I can well understand this drove them over the edge.

I strongly suggest you go buy your mum a bunch of flowers herself and a bottle of wine for your dad and say thank you and you know this must be hard for them. I think a small gesture like that would be appreciated.

I know that generation aren't always the best at emotional support. Counselling would be good. Ask now. You've said yourself it's helped to talk on here.

In a way it sounds like this man has run rings around you and you've got so used to his way of thinking. As dreadful as him being away will be I think it might be a time for you to build back your own confidence. Just because you have an amazing job doesn't make you invincible. Sometimes It takes more guts to ask for help when you need it than to plough on.

There's a lot of people on here taking the time to write encouraging advice. I hope that reassures you that no-one's going to judge you and find you wanting because of what your DH did.

I think your parents seem more than generous converting their house for you to have your own separate living space. You can't blame them for wanting their privacy and not have you always there. Like others have said treat it as a flat.

Op, can I refer back to page 7 and ask you a question? Apologies if you've already explained this, I've looked and can't see it. You said "I can't go bankrupt". Is that for professional reasons that would affect your future career, or your perception that would be a terrible thing to do?
A few years ago I supported a close friend when she was in terrible financial difficulties due to ill health. We approached all the financial institutions concerned because it was a temporary situation and if they had reached agreements with her she would have been able to put all right within a year. They refused and kept piling on the monthly charges. To cut a long story short, after speaking to the charity Step Change we realised that the best option for her would be to declare herself bankrupt. Better than taking out some sort of voluntary agreement. So she did that (it costs about £600!). Most sensible decision she's ever made. And now, a few years on, she's back on her feet rebuilding her life and credit rating.

Peeking - I'd imagine it's related to the OP's job as she said she's professional. You're not allowed to continue to practice in many professionals if you've declared bankrupt. It would pretty much kill my career

OP do you think your marriage will survive his being away?
Because it seems to me that you have the capacity to earn money and provide a nice house for your children, and visit their (presumably) loving grandparents all by yourself. You don't need him to provide (or not). This surely could all be set up in the next year or so? If you decide to go it alone.

do you/your children currently spend any nice time with your parents? Or do you feel too on top of each other?

I think that the OP is in an emotional mess and is flailing around at anything she can. (I'd be in pieces in her situation so I don't know how she's coping as well as she is.) Neither am I too sure that part of her worries is not the little deep possibility that her husband will not be incarcerated (or not for very long) and that her situation will not therefore be resolved forcibly.

I don't think there's much she can do until things become clearer once the court has made its decision - apart from try to hang on with as good grace as she can muster for the sake of the kids and her parents. Hopefully, it won't be too long before she can see things a little more clearly.

Do you now know the full story of what your husband did or is there likely to be more that comes out in court?
I think your parents are doing their best as they are probably scared of what will come out and how it will affect them and you in the long term when other people discover it. They may have been afraid of him using 'their' internet in case he was doing something he shouldn't. (My parents refused ever to allow my boys to go on the net at their house because they would put viruses on their computers!)
You're in a horrid place OP and it really is a case of just all trying to get through-do you want the marriage to survive? Did DH know that all would come out one day as you have said it all happened before you or was he putting his head in the sand?

I think you are lucky they've allowed him to move in at all by the sounds of it. Your df contempt is understandable.

This is a tough situation for you and your parents. I would see about getting some counselling for yourself as you must be a churning mass of pain, resentment, frustration and worry at the moment ( I would be).

I think your parents are being reasonable, they have rescued you from the consequences of your DH's dishonesty.

The DebtFree Wannabe boards on the Money Saving Expert Forum are full of good advice, support and inspiring stories.

DH spent some time residing at Her Majesty's pleasure until he was granted asylum ( no detention centres at the time). The reality may come as a shock to your DH especially if he is used to doing what he wants with everyone running around after him.

I assume he lied to you about his past as well so this came as a bolt out of the blue. DH was upfront with me, I knew his background long before we got married. I think I would have been a lot more unsettled if I had found out much later or by accident that he had been inside ( albeit in different circumstances to your DH). I was able to make an informed choice.

If the OP had come on to say her ILs were in financial and criminal difficulties, so she had converted her house to give them their own separate living space, albeit not always convenient when they wanted to sit in her garden, and she had found FIL in her sitting room tinkering with her WIFI, there would have been a chorus of 'your house your rules', 'selfish bastards tell them to bugger off' etc etc.

Admittedly as the thread has ground on, fewer people are in total sympathy with the OP, but sometimes the world of Mumsnet is a very strange place.

oh god it sounds a truly awful situation for you right now op.

I do honestly think things will actually improve once your husband goes away.

As a parent myself I can only imagine how your parents must feel about your husband. How would uou feel in 20/25 years time if one of your children came to you in this situation brought on by their spouses mistakes?
I think that alone explains their awkwardness with your husband and I really do think once he is not there they will be much more helpful abd positive towards you and their grandchildren.

You sound very down. which is no wonder. But try to hang on to the positive. You have a self contained living area which tbh in the long term has to be preferable to house sharing with your parents. They just want to keep parts of theur home undisturbed/clean etc; which again is undersrandable.

I do think you will all relax abd fall into a better less anxious phase when your dh is not there. Also Summer is ahead whilst there are these teething problems so its easier to get out and about. Check out libraries for free school holiday activities/story telling for wet days etc. Just keep busy and burn off the kuds energy away from the home for now.

Hang in there because I really do think things will get better.

I really feel for you and agree with others that it's probably the big picture that is making you stressed rather than the sandpit and water table.

My exH is an alcoholic and destroyed his business. I felt great shame and embarrassment and I know that friends and family were very angry with him for putting me and our two DCs in that situation. Outwardly I seemed to be coping but I wasn't really. There were many dark moments when I thought I'd never be ok again.

Two years on things are different and with the benefit of time and distance I can see that there were things that got me and the DCs out of the mess.

The first was to detach myself from him and his situation and stop trying to rescue or justify what he'd done. Seeing him as others saw him made me quite ruthless but I decided that my priority was creating a happy, stable home for the DCs. We were also in debt and I knew I'd struggle to keep things afloat living where we did so I moved. I told my ex that this didn't include him.

You haven't said whether or not there is a future for you and your DH together and perhaps this is the question. I suspect your parents want him out of your lives. I remember some people telling me that I should stay with my ex for the sake of the DCs (mine was a good father too) but eventually I realised that although he was a good dad his lifestyle and level of responsibility was not compatible with family life.

I felt a bit like I'd been taken in by his lies and attitude to debt. He really didn't see it as a big deal and had grand plans to transform our lives. I see now he was a very convincing dreamer but ultimately it would never happen.

It took a bit of courage to go it alone with 2 small children and it's not what I thought my life would be but it is better. I'd never encourage you to leave him because I know from my case it helped to do things in small steps.

You sound strong and I feel certain you will be fine whatever you choose to do. I approached each step with the question "what is the right long-term thing for my DCs" and not necessarily about right for right now.

Be kind to yourself, and stay strong. This period will pass.

Were you financially independent before meeting him?

Llareggub I have just understood your name. I had always thought you were Welsh!

Sorry for hijack.

I think it sounds like the situation might improve once your dh has gone?

I think you're fortunate to have them (you parents). I wish you well and hope it all works out for you.

If you had explained the situation in the op, all the responses would have been different I suspect. Op, you must realise why your family are acting as they have? If you choose to let dh remain with you, then you have no option but to make him stay out of your parents way. It is incredibly kind of them to let him stay at all and clearly they are doing it for their love of you and the children. It may seem obtuse of them to be locking doors etc but it is clearly caused by their dislike of dh which is fully understandable. Though tbh I would say they abu even without the dh situation as they made a clear statement from the beginning that they want their living area to remain separate from theirs. Many people manage without water tables etc. I would ask if they are happy for you to use the garden. If not, then consider it like a flat without a garden, and try to accept that you have to live by the rules of the house owners. Like all other renters do.

Do you work full time now? Do you have childcare? Would you not be better off financially if he wasn't with you anymore? Perhaps your parents wouldn't charge as much rent if he were gone. I expect they seriously begrudge helping him out! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying dh deserves to be thrown out, I don't know the full story obviously, but if you cannot forgive him and move on and stop punishing him, then you would both be better off apart surely, and the kids would be better off too as it sounds like an awful atmosphere to live in.

Llaregub is the name of the town in Dylan Thomas's play 'Under Milk Wood', too, Beryl.

Hijack over

peekingduck I am guessing the OP is a solicitor and so can't go bankrupt without losing her profession.

OP I am also guessing that your DH is a banker involved with the LIBOR fixing, or somesuch. Perhaps he is used to being King Pin and that is why he felt entitled to waltz into your parents' home uninvited . i suspect you will get a different DH after his stay in custody which will open his eyes to life.

Meanwhile, you sound lovely and you sound like you WILL get through. Give things time to settle down. As others say, treat your accommodation as a flat. Your parents have been very generous to split their large house, for which I am assuming they worked hard all their lives, into 2 so that they can accommodate you and your family whilst you are in trouble.

I wish you luck xx