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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:

thesaurusgirl · 19/04/2014 18:06

Flogging But happiness is much easier for people to cope with than sorrow, no?

The OP has not explained the reason for her DB's abortion; I hope it wasn't for foetal development reasons.

Floggingmolly · 19/04/2014 18:10

She specifically said contraceptive failure, thesaurus

diddl · 19/04/2014 18:12

"Op has been trying to conceive for 4 years, so by the same token it was grossly insensitive to put her in the position of having to comfort and support this couple in their choice to terminate their unwanted pregnancy..."

I think that that is a good point as well, assuming the brother knows this.

It also makes me realise how little personal stuff I tell my "nearest & dearest"

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 19/04/2014 18:17

It also makes me realise how little personal stuff I tell my "nearest & dearest"

I know, and this thread does make me appreciate the value of holding pregnancy announcements until the second trimester and gynaecological procedures private. I can't imagine discussing a 1st trimester termination with DPs / DSiblings - and for good reason. Sometimes it really is 'less said, soonest mended'.

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/04/2014 18:36

It was tactless and i'm not surprised you were asked to reign it in a little.

Its going to be a very long 40 weeks if at 8 you are already telling them each development stage. Given your mum and MIL have obviously had children why would you do it anyway?

Even without your DBs circumstances, people just arent that interested. There are definately two camps of women when it comes to pregnancy. Those that just get on with it and those who talk about it non stop and stop doing everything as they believe they are unique and need to be waited on. Having worked with both kinds, i know which i prefer!

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 18:41

What makes you think the OP is talking about it non-stop? She's been TTC for 4 years - of course she's excited. That does not mean that she thinks she is unique or expects to be waited on. Some parents are interested when their children are pregnant (Even though they have had children themselves).

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/04/2014 18:59

You are being insensitive.

I'm not saying you should tiptoe around them but talking about your 8 week foetal development to someone who has has an abortion fairly recently is insensitive.

You think because it's been a year they should be 'over it' by now? Are you for real? Just because they chose to terminate doesn't mean it wasn't a heartbreaking decision for them and something painful for her to go through physically and emotionally.

Would you tell someone who had a miscarriage they should be 'over it' by now? No. And yes I've experienced both. I had a termination ten years ago and it still upsets me if I think about it too much. Who are you to say someone should be over it or not.

You are allowed to be happy about your pregnancy and feel able to discuss it with your parents. YABU about the rest.

ikeaismylocal · 19/04/2014 19:12

I don't think a person having fertility issues would be more likely to feel upset by someone elses abortion, why on earth would they?

TheBabyFacedAssassin · 19/04/2014 19:25

Oh for gods sake, have the parents said that pregnancy talk is totally banned for the entire pregnancy? I haven't got that impression. Who knows how recently the DH found out about the pregnancy? Give the man a chance to get used to the situation. It must be difficult for him to see op being happy and excited about a pregnancy when his situation was entirely the opposite.

Op yes you are allowed to be happy but have some tact and allow your brother, and your parents, some time to adjust. Yes you've been ttc for 4 years and of course you are entitled to be happy and excited but show some compassion towards your parents and brother who sound like they are grieving. No one is saying hide your pregnancy for the entire experience, just let the dust settle first.

I also think that some of your phrases are a bit goady tbh. "They made their choice so respect mine." "Surely a year later they should have come to terms with their decision and be happy for mine." Just as you think it is unreasonable for your parents and brother to not wish to talk about the pregnancy it would be unreasonable for them to feign delight and ott happiness.

Catmint · 19/04/2014 19:30

OP I think the best way to deal with this is to have a private conversation with your brother. Tell him that you are very excited after so long ttc, but check with him if he wants you to go easy for a few weeks while they get used to it.

BigBoobiedBertha · 19/04/2014 19:32

Of course a person having fertility problems is more likely to feel upset at another's abortion. They want a baby and can't get pregnant and instead, somebody who they are close to, gets pregnant by accident, seemingly easily, and aborts a child that the couple having trouble would love.

I can't see how anybody can't see how sad that would make an struggling couple tbh. That doesn't mean they don't understand why somebody else wouldn't have an abortion or that they don't support them but it seems very obvious that they would most likely be sad about it.

ikeaismylocal · 19/04/2014 19:36

Yes but they were not aborting the op's child, one person's abortion does not make any difference to another person's infertility.

sunshinemmum · 19/04/2014 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigBoobiedBertha · 19/04/2014 20:10

Of course it isn't their child but we don't all live in a little bubble where what other people do doesn't affect us. It was her brother and his girlfriend who aborted not a stranger and there is bound to be some feelings of the OP wishing it was her. By her standards someone she knows has been lucky and she hasn't.

If you really believe the OP needn't have been bothered then by the same token you have to wonder why her brother is bothered by her pregnancy - isn't his baby she is carrying, why would details of her pregnancy bother him. Even less reason for him to bothered since he didn't want to baby in the first place. It works both ways.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 20:14

I was about to post something similar to BBBertha but she's put it very well.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 19/04/2014 21:49

Completely agree with BBBertha.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 19/04/2014 21:50

Oh and fwiw my Mum was very interested in my pregnancy. In fact she was quoting developmental a to me - not every parent is disinterested.

Billygoats · 19/04/2014 21:51

I think YANBU op. I was on edge my entire pregnancy hoping I wouldn't lose my baby. I found it reassuring to discuss with family how developed my baby was each day/week/month. I too would want to share my joy like you are doing. It's a tricky situation but unfair to make you feel like you can't discuss.

Billygoats · 19/04/2014 22:02

Oh also I find pregnancy absolutely fascinating. I will happily discuss with strangers who would be willing to go into detail their babies development, yes it's so common and milliona of women fall pregnant daily but so amazing at the same time. If it was a family member I would probably be boring them by sending the information across myself. Revel in the thought you are growing a beautiful baby OP!

aurynne · 19/04/2014 22:36

There are lots of people out there who find comfort in believing that an 8-week old fetus (or a 10, or a 14-week old fetus) is "just a ball of cells" when they make a decision for a termination. After studying embryology, and especially now that I am doing midwifery, I was actually shocked to learn that an 8-week-old fetus looks just like a tiny baby and has almost every structure and organ pretty much formed, they just need to grow and differentiate for the rest of the pregnancy. After supporting a woman through an unwanted termination at 18 weeks (early rupture of membranes due to a uterine infection) and catching that tiny baby with my own hands, and dress her, and take photos of her for her parents, now I can never believe or say that a fetus is "a ball of cells" anymore. Considering that I never wanted children, had I fallen accidentally pregnant when I was younger I would have had a termination, blissfully unaware of how the fetus would look like, or how developed it would be. And by now I would have been horrified to learn what I had done.

So in this particular situation, OP, I can understand both sides perfectly. I understand why it feels unfair to you that you are asked not to discuss your pregnancy in front of your DB and SIL, and I also understand that they were the ones who decided to terminate the pregnancy. But I can also understand why they would not want to learn the truth about 8-week-old fetuses, and how they have fingers, and toes, and their heart has been beating since day 22-24, and they move, and how finger and toenails appear at week 12. I know they had a termination and that is the truth... but I also understand knowing the truth is not always the best thing.

As others have told you, there is nothing stopping you from discussing your pregnancy with your parents. Avoiding these sensitive issues around your DB is not unreasonable, and it does not take anything from your enjoyment of your pregnancy. Surely you would not be wanting to share these details knowing that the person listening is feeling like crap, especially it being your brother?

Or is there a scent of "they killed their baby, they very well deserve to know about this" in this story? In which case, YABU a thousand times.

What if - God forgives it - you lose this baby in these early stages? How would you feel when a pregnant friend came to you all excited to tell you about the developmental stages of her baby?

Dozer · 19/04/2014 22:54

talk of developmental stages of foetuses can be dull and self-absorbed. In this case you knew SIL had had an abortion, so it was also insensitive.

Dozer · 19/04/2014 22:57

Sorry. I am snippy about this kind of thing, eg the idea that to enjoy pregnancy it's necessary to discuss stuff with family and friends, having had miscarriages and listened to pregnant friends who knew about it witter on about development stages, how they needed to be "careful what I do" and so on.

sunshinemmum · 19/04/2014 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pimpf · 19/04/2014 23:22

Aurynne, where the hell have you seen that implied. Absolutely disgusting.

I'd still like to know why the brothers feelings are more important than those of the ops? Why she should be the one to be quiet about the whole pregnancy? Why she can't be excited? Why the brother can't support her, even if that support is in the form of not being around as much, to allow the op to spend time with her parents.

I also loved reading about my own and enjoy hearing about others pregnancy, doesn't mean I think everyone else does, equally those who think its boring don't havre the right to tell others to shut up because its boring - how rude is that.

As has been said several times, tact is needed on both sides, op supported her brother, he should now support her.

withextradinosaurs · 19/04/2014 23:28

Exactly what pimpf said. Are your brother's feelings always put before yours?

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