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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:
womblesofwestminster · 19/04/2014 16:05

diddl, my point was that wombles was being unnecessarily rude. It is perfectly normal to want to share details of your pregnancy with your family.

Not if they don't want to hear. How obvious is that!

womblesofwestminster · 19/04/2014 16:08

OP seriously, most women experience pregnancy. It's a bog-standard human process. Nothing miraculous. I know it's Easter and all but you ain't Jesus.

I say this as a mum to a 2 and 3 year old.

diddl · 19/04/2014 16:09

I thought that they did want to hear about it, just not when brother is there & maybe not every detail.

They are more than likely delighted for OP, but that doesn't take away that they must be hurt at the GC they lost.

Plateofcrumbs · 19/04/2014 16:16

It's just tact isn't it? I wouldn't describe the slab of chocolate fudge cake I'd eaten in all its exquisite, gooey detail to a friend who was on a strict diet.

If the OP has bounded in gleefully reciting details from her pregnancy books in front of her DB who has made a tough abortion decision, it's not surprising she has been asked to rein it in.

I doubt very much the parents meant she should be entirely mute about the pregnancy for the entire 9 months. But if she has caused some hurt already she will have to be more sensitive now than she would have been if she had been more tactful from the off.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 16:16

Her brother is always there so it rules out talking to her parents about it except the phone, assuming they have a relationship that includes charting on the phone which they may not if she usually visits.

It think it is normal for parents and even other family members to want to be reassured that a pregnant person is getting on ok and all is progressing as it should but judging by this thread that is not normal in some families at all!

I am still surprised but you learn something every day I guess. Op please don't be upset by those telling you that your parents don't care about any of it, I think that is unlikely personally.

aermingers · 19/04/2014 16:19

Someone did something similar to me. It took me 10 years to get pregnant. A year before I did a friend of mine was electively sterilised at the age of 34 because she didn't want children. She had never wanted children since childhood and was happy with her decision after she'd had it done.

When I got pregnant I was delighted. But I was not allowed to mention it to my friends in front of her because she would get upset. She never voiced any regret or desire to have children at any point, she just used it as a way to stop me getting any attention about my pregnancy as she was jealous I was getting more attention than her and her histronics for a change.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 16:19

Why not call them when you have had your 12 week scan or booking appointment and tell them about it, i am sure they will be interested and it will leave the way clear to talk about it on the phone that way you get your support and they get to hear about it and no-one is upset ?

Bankwadgery · 19/04/2014 16:27

Not read all of the posts but you said you have been TTC for a long time, when your DB and his partner decided on an abortion were they suitably sensitive about this? You say you were supportive of them in this decision but I wonder if it was hard as you were then wanting to be pregnant? If so then I don't see why you shouldn't talk about your pregnancy with your parents, you need their support now so it is entirely reasonable to talk to them about it, maybe just be a bit sensitive about your DB but don't let this put a cloud over your much wanted baby to be.

Blackmouse · 19/04/2014 16:28

wow your brother and his partner had a termination less than a year ago and you think its ok to go on about how well the fetus is developed at 8 weeks pregnant.....

words fail me really

if i was your parent i'd be dissapointed in your lack of compassion towards your brother frankly

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 16:30

wombles they haven't said that they don't want to hear it. Are you aware of how rude you are coming across with all your 'you ain't Jesus' type comments? Perhaps that is your intention though.

BigBoobiedBertha · 19/04/2014 17:22

I doubt very much the OP went on for hours about the details, with a Powerpoint presentation or anything. Most likely it was a couple of comments about what she had read. Some of you seem to think the OP is somehow bombarding her brother with details. I bet you anything she wasn't.

And how about he has a little bit of compassion and do some giving instead of taking for a change? She supported him when his girlfriend was going through the process, could he not put up with a couple of off the cuff comments, which she is unlikely to make again, being as she only mentioned it because she bought a book that morning? He and his gf made a decision that was right for them. I don't see that it should colour the OP's pregnancy.

However, I still think the problem is the parents. I think they are projecting their upset over the abortion. I can't help wondering why it had to become a family affair with everybody knowing the ins and outs of the situation. It doesn't sound like it was such a great idea because the upset of that is having a big ripple effect isn't it?

And for those of you who are having trouble understanding, it says in the OP that the abortion was early last year, so over a year ago, not just before Christmas or less than a year ago at all.

slithytove · 19/04/2014 17:28

I beg to differ wombles for women who have lost a child or struggled to conceive, pregnancy is pretty fucking miraculous.

Original poster
Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 17:45

We have been TTC for 4 years so pregnancy is a miracle to me.

Thank you for the replies.

It is very difficult with regards to calling my DM and expressing how I feel, if you upset one family member you upset everyone so I'm worried about that. I guess I'll just have to wait for them to ask how I am before saying anything pregnancy related and just celebrate with DP's family.

I can't help but feel sad about this though.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 17:52

:( I'm sad for you too ImJustExcited. You should be able to celebrate - even more so given how long you have been TTC. It must have been difficult for you when your DB and his partner got pregnant so easily and decided to terminate. It seems very unfair that you were expected to support them despite your own circumstances but now you are expected to keep quiet because of theirs. Thanks

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 17:53

I do agree pregnancy is miraculous every child that makes it into this world is a miracle.

But I still think leaving the developmental bit out around DP is the right thing to do.

I'm sorry you are feeling upset OP, I would ring my DM if I were you and just say I really don't want to upset anyone but I am feeling a bit hurt myself, is DB struggling more than I am aware of and do I really have to tone down every aspect of my pregnancy, if so I accept it but I want to be able to share my excitement with my parents..

Good luck

whereisshe · 19/04/2014 17:53

wombles are you seriously saying you don't find the process of making a new person somewhat amazing? I'm as non-believing as they come and I think the process is somewhat miraculous. I'm still baffled that I managed to make DD, she's so perfectly complete. The OP has every right to revel in the baby's development, that's what normal people do.

RedandChecker · 19/04/2014 17:53

DB sorry not DP

brokenhearted55a · 19/04/2014 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thesaurusgirl · 19/04/2014 17:59

I'm afraid I agree with Brokenhearted. It sounds harsh but, other than people generally being pleased for you because something you want to happen has happened, no-one actually gives much of a shite about pregnancy unless they're your doctor or midwife.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 19/04/2014 18:01

I don't think it's fair to expect you not to talk about it at all.

I think quoting things from a book about development to the wrong person could come across as criticising their decision and basically saying, 'you could've been here but you chose not to'. However, I think most people wouldn't have this mindset, but perhaps your DB does.

I don't think talking about feeling a bit nauseous, being more tired, having to get bigger clothes etc is insensitive though and is just something you would talk to your parents about, especially your Mum if you are close.

Is there a possibility of talking to DM on the phone about this kind of thing? That way, you can chat about it but not when DB is there. I know it's not quite the same, but a possible option?

Floggingmolly · 19/04/2014 18:03

You could turn the situation on it's head, couldn't you?
Op has been trying to conceive for 4 years, so by the same token it was grossly insensitive to put her in the position of having to comfort and support this couple in their choice to terminate their unwanted pregnancy...

Runningtrainers · 19/04/2014 18:03

I'm sad for you OP, I was beyond excited when expecting my DCs and just wanted to share it with them closest to me. The same as you want to do. Sorry your going through this but maybe all will be forgotten when the baby is here.

Congratulation. Easter Smile

Runningtrainers · 19/04/2014 18:04

Very true ^^^

Runningtrainers · 19/04/2014 18:04

Very true molly Easter Blush

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 19/04/2014 18:06

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

I don't know whether you ABU or ANBU but what I really don't understand is why you can't see your DPs separately from your DB? That would solve the problem from both angles wouldn't it?. Presumably he is with his fiancé at times? Or you can phone your parents? Or you can take your mum and dad out for a coffee or a walk?

I know why you are so excited - but I kind of agree that explaining stages of fetal development is a little OTT.