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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that they made their choice so respect mine? Sensitive subject.

268 replies

Imjustexcited · 19/04/2014 11:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 we are very excited and have been TTC for a while now.

My DB and his DF had an abortion early last year after a contraceptive failure and they both came to the decision together, we supported them through this decision and I was always there to be a shoulder to cry on.

Now I am PG I was round my DP's house and my DB is there a lot of the time. I was talking about my pregnancy explaining the different stages of development and just general excited conversation however as soon as DB was out of ear shot they turned around to me and said that I mustn't talk about my pregnancy around there because it has only been a year since the abortion. So now every time my DB is there (nearly everyday) I cannot mention my pregnancy as they don't want to upset DB.

I feel hurt, I know that it must have been a hard decision but surely a year later they should have come to terms with it by now and be happy with mine?

AIBU in thinking this?

OP posts:
wigglylines · 19/04/2014 14:10

Hold on, I just read that your DB is there every day. OK, in that case you need to find some kind of compromise, it is unreasonable of him to expect you not to talk about it when at your DPs. How about you have a chat with him, and explain you'd like to be sensitive to his feelings, but that it's a bit much expecting you not to talk about it when he's there every day. Maybe say you promise not to talk about developmental stages when he'd there and see if he's ok with that?

Maybe also ask him if he wants to talk about the termination, it seems he might be struggling to get over it?

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 14:11

But he's always around and her parents have asked her not to mention any aspect of her pregnancy.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 14:11

"Who needs to talk about the stages of their pregnancy every day to the same people?"

Who is saying that they do that?

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 14:12

wiggly the request has come from her brother via her parents though, it was the mum who told her that it's best if no-one mention it and I don't see how she can then approach it with either her brother or her parents without looking selfish and like she is disregarding all their wishes.

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 14:14

OP do you speak to them on the phone much I think that is the obvious solution here that way your brother won't be upset, and your parents will be able to ask how are are getting on and find out how appts go etc as I am sure that as your parents they will want to know that stuff.

stolemyusername · 19/04/2014 14:17

I feel a little sorry for you actually, how long are you expected to ignore your pregnancy? And when the baby arrives are you to hide it in a corner so that your DB doesn't feel upset.

I personally think that your family ABU to not allow you to share your excitement.

Your DB made a decision and needs to make peace with that himself and not let it cloud other peoples happy news.

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw

slithytove · 19/04/2014 14:21

I've not rtft just giving my 2p.

I understand completely how you must be feeling. It's an exciting time, first baby who you have waited a while for, and probably not many people know about the pregnancy so not many people to share with. And to some people, developmental stages are interesting. I found it fascinating to read that something so tiny had ears, toes etc. Also, we had to have early scans, so seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks was a relief that our parents were very happy to hear about. So in the sense that you are upset you can't talk about this, YANBU.

However, for any form of pregnancy loss, self inflicted or not, a year is not a long time and I wouldn't expect anyone to be over it. (Perhaps not ever) Nor would I necessarily expect them to be happy for you - though of course it would be kind for them to try and rise above those feelings in your presence and at least feign happiness.

It is not your fault that they were not in a position to have a baby, and is unfair that your baby isn't being celebrated as much as it would be otherwise.

I can though completely see how hard it would be to sit and hear that baby has (for instance) a heartbeat at potentially an earlier gestation than the baby they aborted. It would bring back many memories.

Unfortunately I can't offer a solution. Perhaps apologise to your DB for unintentionally causing pain, and tell him what your parents have suggested and see what he says? I would also tell your parents how much this has hurt you, and you wish you could have some time with just them to freely talk about the baby. I would also ask how long this embargo on pregnancy talk will last.

Congratulations on baby. If you haven't already, join a due date group on here or another forum, they are very useful x

Cornettoninja · 19/04/2014 14:22

Unhelpfully I'm sitting on the fence with whether or not you are bu.

I do think it's interesting that you've marked the thread as sensitive in your title though, don't you?

Look, of course you should be excited and wanting to share that with your nearest and dearest, but there is a middle ground where you can do that and still be aware of your db's feelings.

Is it just the developmental stuff you've been asked to lay off? Would it be easier for your db to talk about him being an uncle or your plans for the birth? There are loads of different avenues to go down talking about a pregnancy, maybe there's another way for you all to discuss it without hurting anyone's feelings? I really think you need to have this discussion with your brother not your parents - Chinese whispers and all that. Explain you want to support him, but you want his support as well and that you both need to find a way to do that.

You may find as you get well past the date/trimester they terminated it's much less of an issue for them. It'd be such a shame to allow heightened feelings this early on cloud your relationship with your db and his df for years to come when all it needs is a bit of sensitivity and understanding from both sides.

slithytove · 19/04/2014 14:38

I do feel sorry for you though.

I mean how far will it go? Visiting your parents, DB is there.

"Hi excited how are you?"
"Fine thanks actually I'm not, I have terrible morning sickness but I'm not allowed to mention that am I?"

"Hi excited what have you been up to today?"
"Oh nothing though I had my 20 week scan and know the gender but you don't want to know"

I hope they don't take this too far.

WaterLoadaCack · 19/04/2014 14:43

As well, the OP said last year. So the termination might have happened only 4-5 months ago.

OP may I ask, just out of interest, how exactly did your folks word it?

Cornettoninja · 19/04/2014 14:47

I agree to point slithy, but if op doesn't actually have the conversation with her db then she might up end up self imposing that kind of censorship and resenting every interaction with him, when in reality he just needed a little less biological detail for a short time to allow him to get his head straight.

My concern would be that at the moment all sorts of speculation about what might happen is just fuelling her resentment and will have much longer term impacts on her relationship with her family.

Balls to tiptoeing round the subject and communicating through their parents. If he's hurting then being sympathetic but looking for a way to help him seperate the situations so they can all get on with it is a much better way to approach the situation imho.

womblesofwestminster · 19/04/2014 14:51

Fuck me OP. Why do they need to know about your embryo's development? What do you gain from telling them? Are there no other people in your life you can share these oh-so-interesting and important facts with?

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 14:56

wombles, don't be so rude. Many people don't disclose that they're pregnant to people outside their family until after the 12 week scan.

MostWicked · 19/04/2014 14:58

I think you should only discuss your pregnancy with people who want to hear about it, so if your DB doesn't want to hear about it, then don't talk about it in front of them, but do talk about it to your parents as I am sure they want to hear.

It's early days. Give them time to get used to it.

WitchOfEndor · 19/04/2014 15:00

OP, it might be worth a chat to your DB just to see how he is, the PIL may just be assuming, he may not have said anything to them at all.

womblesofwestminster · 19/04/2014 15:04

I think you should only discuss your pregnancy with people who want to hear about it

Indeed. I thought this was basic common sense?

diddl · 19/04/2014 15:05

"Many people don't disclose that they're pregnant to people outside their family until after the 12 week scan."

Some of us don't disclose to anyone other than husband until 16wks.

womblesofwestminster · 19/04/2014 15:07

bumbleymummy OP is online - on a parenting forum. It even has a pregnancy area! Can't she discuss embryo development in there??

I think OP is being goady to her DB.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 15:12

wombles, maybe she thought her parents would want to hear about it? She obviously didn't realise that her brother didn't want to hear about it. Tbh he hasn't even said directly that he doesn't. Perhaps he is happy for her and has no problem with hearing her talk about it. The parents may be worrying unnecessarily.

diddl, everyone is different. Some people tell their family sooner (we did) so it seems a bit unfair to say "Are there no other people in your life you can share these oh-so-interesting and important facts with?"

wombles, she's hardly being goady when she didn't even know it would upset him.

CSIJanner · 19/04/2014 15:16

Have skimmed the thread. So OP's mum has pulled her aside and asked her not to mention any aspect of her pregnancy as its upsetting for DB? Has anyone actually asked DB? Or is the mum projecting how he must feel? Yes, you should show sensitivity etc but I miscarried at 4 months. 18months later my DSis was too afraid to mention she was pregnant to me incase it upset me. It didn't - yes I was sad that it didn't go to term, but I was excited and happy for my sister - I adore all my nephews & nieces.

OP - speak to your brother. See how he feels, because the fact that you've be TTC for a while must have flagged this as a possibility to him. Talk to your DM on the phone and tell her how you feel. And whilst on the phone, get all exited there as your DB won't be there to hear. But when at your parents, steer clear of eyelashes, fingers etc just incase. How long ago did this all happen for him? If only before Christmas for example, then its only been a few months really.

Meanwhile, congratulations!

ikeaismylocal · 19/04/2014 15:31

I think there is a big difference between talking about facts, morning sickness, how your last scan went, blood sugar, due date and talking about possible fetal development. To be blunt you don't know at 8 weeks that there is one, two, three babies or non at all, it's not news that 8 week old fetuses usually develop in that way because you can't see your fetus.

It would be the same as me saying that 1 year olds often take their first steps when my ds has been walking since 10 months or that 2 year olds can talk in sentences if my ds hadn't said his first word by 2.

I think you pushed the boundary in terms of over sharing and maybe your parents just find it easier to say don't talk about the pregnancy please rather than specify that it's not appropriate to over share.

I find it quite shocking how person like weeks old fetuses are and I have never had an abortion, if I had had an abortion I absolutely would not want to hear about how an 8 week old fetus has fingers and toes and a little nose.

diddl · 19/04/2014 15:33

"diddl, everyone is different"-yes, that was my point!

"so it seems a bit unfair to say "Are there no other people in your life you can share these oh-so-interesting and important facts with?""-eh??

Brothers situation aside, maybe the parents just aren't interested in all the minutiae that OP is repeating from a book.

bumbleymummy · 19/04/2014 15:36

diddl, my point was that wombles was being unnecessarily rude. It is perfectly normal to want to share details of your pregnancy with your family.

FindoGask · 19/04/2014 15:39

I think it was more than a little crass of you to be talking about developmental stages and so on. It's a subject I'd steer well clear of if I were in your shoes, or if I did have a foot-in-mouth moment, I'd be mortified if someone gave me the nod, rather than bristling with indignation!

NiceTabard · 19/04/2014 15:56

They have not asked her to refrain from talking about "minutae", but of any mention of her pregnancy at all.

And I would think it pretty dysfunctional for parents who didn't want to hear about any aspect of their daughter's pregnancy, to use the excuse of their son's DF having a termination to get her to stop. Citing this as a likely explanation is painting her parents in a pretty poor light and on what evidence?

The OP is reading this and it must hurt to have people repeatedly telling her that her own parents are likely to be utterly disinterested in any and all aspects of her pregnancy to the point that rather than politely enquiring after her health (for example) they would lie about something so big to get her to zip it.