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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 17/04/2014 08:59

Yabu

And totally irrational to compare a kiss on the lips to smacking fgs.

One is a loving gesture. And it's not sexual, some people have serious issues if they think that's the case, and the other isn't.

Your poor pil.

2blackcats2 · 17/04/2014 09:00

I hate it too OP, to the point where I read the first page and people were describing kissing children on the lips - it makes me feel sick, to tell you the truth.

I don't think it's sexual but inappropriate. I hated this as a child and would be horrified if anyone other than a partner tried to kiss me on the lips. It's a very intimate action I feel - more intimate in its way than many sexual activities - and doesn't belong in the context of a child at all.

I would also have to say something and I am not generally one for rocking the boat but I find it horrible.

Fizzybangfanny · 17/04/2014 09:02

I don't know.....

You can't avoid a snotty wet kiss off dd (11m)

I don't kiss my dd1 (18) on the lips - she wouldn't let me anyway.

My niece (12) kisses me on the lips, but I'm very close to her.

My 82 year old granny tried to kiss me on the lips , which was weird

If my FIL tried it, he would get a punch in the face.

I wouldn't accept one of df either

I have major issues with my mil, but if her and dd 2 kissed on the lips - a peck I wouldn't be offended.

If dd had an issue with it, I'd say no.

now I feel completely weird as dd2 will sometimes try lick my tongue and finds it hilarious Blush

Martorana · 17/04/2014 09:03

"For the last time, I 'm not asking which side of the line your opinion is on, I was asking how do you broach an issue where you're on opposite sides of the line."

You can't, without suggesting that your parents in law are paedophiles. If you think they are, why are you faffing around on here and not happening on the door of the police station. If you don't, then what was the point of the thread?

Fizzybangfanny · 17/04/2014 09:04

2blackcats so if you dc tried kissing you on the lips you wouldn't accept it? Or it it just other people? not being arsy

fluffyraggies · 17/04/2014 09:06

As she gets older you can perhaps show your DD how to 'offer a cheek' to be kissed. She'll then do that in all social kissy situations. My dds would all naturally offer their cheek for a kiss when saying goodbye to relatives. Used to be quite funny. ''You may kiss me here'' sort of expression on their little face. My niece (18 months) offers the top of her head! Grin

(Now they're teens my DDs do an exagerated pucker up and kiss me on the lips, peck on the cheek for everyone else. I kiss DH and DDs on the lips, pack on the cheek for everyone else)

Saski · 17/04/2014 09:07

OP I'm not crazy about this either. But there's no polite way to raise this with your in-laws. You'll seem controlling and accusatory.

Rollergirl1 · 17/04/2014 09:10

OP, what does your DH feel about this? After all they are his parents, and presumably he was brought up in a household that thought nothing of kissing on the lips. Does he share the same opinion as you?

Also just out of interest what are your views on being naked around your children. Do you think this is inappropriate too?

fluffyraggies · 17/04/2014 09:13

SO - my point was - teach your DD to politely avoid mouth kisses and you wont have to broach the subject with anyone.

2blackcats2 · 17/04/2014 09:14

Fizzy - I'm not sure :)

I think I would probably turn my head so it ended up on the cheek but I also think there's a difference in a kiss instigated by a child and a kiss instigated by an adult.

Booboostoo · 17/04/2014 09:17

The reason you don't know how to approach this subject is because you are being unreasonable. You can't control every aspect of your child's life or how other people interact with her; if they are not doing anything harmful you have to leave them to it because she will have a lot of different relationships in her life.

You can't separate the question of how to tell the PIL not to do it from whether you should tell him not to. There is not good way to tell him not to, because you should not be telling him not to. Now if you want to be unreasonable and tell him not to do it, it doesn't matter how you tell him, it won't go down well because you are being unreasonable.

RebeccaCloud9 · 17/04/2014 09:19

Personally, I think adult family lip kisses are WEIRD and I would be shocked to see it.

However, the issue here is OP is uncomfortable with something and should she do anything about it - that was the comparison with smacking - she wasn't comparing the physical act of the kiss to a smack.

OP, can you mention it in a round-a-bout way eg bring up in a discussion how it made you feel when someone else kissed DD on the mouth?

sunbathe · 17/04/2014 09:19

I'm in the yuck camp too.

It's not that I think it's sexual, just makes me feel weird. Hard to explain.

Balistapus - you could maybe say to pil that the HV recommends cheek kissing to avoid the risk of cold sores?

RebeccaCloud9 · 17/04/2014 09:23

Also, it is obviously a very divisive issue that makes c. 50% of people very uncomfortable (though not suggesting paedophilia at all, just discomfort and inappropriateness). Surely this shows that some people don't want lip kisses and shouldn't have to endure them, even though others are ok with it?

CaptainSinker · 17/04/2014 09:23

I don't understand why you have a post with this title then complain when people give their views?!

There isn't a w ay to broach this without offending. If you must, maybe make up some excuse about paranoia about colds? They will think you strange.

QueenofallIsee · 17/04/2014 09:26

Sorry YABU and a bit ridiculous. I think if you broached it with your IL's you would be causing grief that is really not necessary.

Rollergirl1 · 17/04/2014 09:29

Rebecca, I would hazard a guess that the people that don't like it have been brought up in families that also don't like it and think its inappropriate. A young child will not automatically think a kiss on the lips is inappropriate. They will have been taught that is from their parents. So self perpetuating.

CarmineRose1978 · 17/04/2014 09:32

Balistapus, what does your partner think? Presumably if his parents think it's ok, he too was brought up kissing on the lips?

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 09:36

Op sorry but I hate this.

Your original post asked for advice on how to broach this with pil and that you were aware that some families do this, obviously including your own do this, dhs family are now your family as you are married! Yes?

Lots of us posted that it's not wierd but you are entitled oy feel the way you do.

Most of us however said on no account could you broach this without sounding like you are accusing your pil of being sexually inappropriate with their baby grandchild.

If you want to start ww3 in your family please go ahead but be aware that you will upset/damage for ever your relationship with your inlaws and piss of your dh.

Your baby is very young, you have years to go in this parenthood lark and you may need your inlaws support and help for years to come. Be very careful.

Just because you want to say something doesn't mean you should.

Burren · 17/04/2014 09:44

I don't regard it as remotely inappropriately sexual, but I would find the idea of my toddler DS being lip-kissed by relatives, including smokers, halitosis and cold sore-sufferers, and people in the middle of horsing down a baked bean and roast beef sandwich (we are vegetarian), as pretty unhygienic. Yuck. In fact.

Luckily, no one does it, so have never had to wade in.

gags quietly

Rollergirl1 · 17/04/2014 09:45

Thebody: I 100% agree with your last comment.

OP, I think you need to think very carefully about this and weigh up if your unease is worth causing the amoun of upset that it will. Because it definitely will. We know that you don't like it and find it uncomfortable but what actual harm is it doing to your DD? None. But you bringing this up with your PIL is very likely to cause hurt an harm to your relationship with them.

Beastofburden · 17/04/2014 09:48

Umm, what i meant by the difference between creepy and strange? What I meant was, it seems strange to me because I have not been used to kissing a child on the lips. But I don't think for one minute that it is meant sexually by the ppl who are used to doing it. So not creepy.

I suspect you may be being harder on your PIL that you would be on things your mother does, that you wouldnt personally do. This is normal- when a baby comes we want to show our MIL who is boss now.

OP, you want advice on how to broach being on opposite sides of a line? First of all, evaluate how much of your capital you want to spend on any given issue. When she is older there will be differences of opinion on sweets, bedtimes, whatever. When she is a teen you may have proper things to worry about Grin . You will have far more success if you only pick the battles that are worth it. At this stage, I'd do nothing about it. Later, she can offer her cheek to be kissed.

But some ppl will always do it. There are ppl other than OH who kiss me on the lips. Frankly I do find it a bit intimate, but I would never tell them that- I appreciate the love that is meant by it.

BookFairy · 17/04/2014 09:54

My family are not lip kissers. None of my friends kiss their family on the lips. I'm unsure why lip kissers think we are weird. People do things differently, that's the way of the world.

I would have your DP raise this with his parents.

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 09:57

I don't think non lip kissers are weird, I think people who try to tell others how they can (very innocently) kiss a child they love are weird!

windchime · 17/04/2014 09:58

I don't even kiss DCs on the lips. Funnily enough, when grandparents dropped DD off last night, she said "Grandad kissed me on the lips haha". Yuk. It isn't on, at all. YANBU.