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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
HarderToKidnap · 17/04/2014 07:05

You've never kissed your 8 month old baby on the lips? That seems a bit sad to me.

I still kiss my dad on the lips. DH and FIL still kiss on the lips which startled me at first as my brother and Dad aren't affectionate like that. But actually not I think it's nice.

EggsFlorentine · 17/04/2014 07:06

I'm in the 'rather not' camp when it comes to adults kissing babies on the lips, but think it is just whatever you're used to and would never judge anyone for doing it.

On the other hand, once teenage or older I think it's rather odd. My now DH used to kiss his mum on the lips until I pointed out that I knew where his lips had been...

Booboostoo · 17/04/2014 07:11

Your 8 month old was startled by being kissed on the lips and therefore doesn't like it?!!! Unless there is more going on here than you are letting on and this was a triggering episode for you, YABVU and projecting all sorts of rubbish on a baby.

Bumpandkind · 17/04/2014 07:13

YANBU, YUCK, YUCK, YUCK.

I can't believe this is normal for so many people.

Only my DH gets a kiss on the lips.

Lottapianos · 17/04/2014 07:50

This is a total Marmite issue - you either think its lovely and perfectly normal, or it makes you feel uncomfortable and you just couldn't do it. I'm in the uncomfortable camp - I think a kiss on their squishy cheek is so much nicer! Your issue is a hard one OP - how do you think PIL would react if you asked them to stop?

Original poster
Balistapus · 17/04/2014 07:53

What is sad is that the lip kissers are using this thread to defend their choice and accuse me of being weird because I have a different opinion about lip kissing. All along I've asked how to ask them not to do something I find uncomfortable, not to tell them they are wrong.

I never said it WAS wrong, I said I think it's wrong. One is stating a fact, the other is stating a belief. There's a big difference. If I said I was Jewish and my PIL had invited me to their summer hog roast would I be receiving the same vitriol and accusations of being a weirdo for not eating pork? " there's nothing wrong with it!" " I can't for the life of me see what's wrong with a bacon sandwich, YABU!"

The comparison to smacking is a valid one. I'm not suggesting that the acts of kissing on the lips and smacking are comparable, I'm suggesting that as a non-lip kisser seeing someone kiss my child on the lips is comparable to people who don't like smacking seeing someone smack their child. That is how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

My child is showered with love and affection, I just don't kiss her on the mouth. As someone else said, I feel it erodes the boundary between affectionate and romantic behaviour. Little children will accept virtually any behaviour done to them, it's up to me to set the boundaries for that behaviour.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 17/04/2014 07:55

Smacking is harmful. Kissing isn't. You can't compare the two.

Just because YOU don't like it doesn't mean you can impose that on others. It is your daughters ultimate choice if she wants to be kissed on the lips or not not yours.

Original poster
Balistapus · 17/04/2014 08:01

Thank you, Lotta. That is the problem. I don't know how they will react and don't want to offend them. They are kind, decent people. I'm struggling to come up with the wording in my head so as to minimise any hurt or confusion for them. I'm also struggling with the timing. If I bring it up apropos of nothing, it might seem confrontational "would you like a tea, oh and don't kiss my child on the mouth." Likewise, I don't want to wait for it to happen again as I will feel very uncomfortable and may say the wrong thing.

OP posts:
natwebb79 · 17/04/2014 08:06

I haven't read the whole thread but can confirm that I still give my dad (and grandad!) a peck on the lips. My family always has done. Kissing on the cheek is seen as a bit posh, ha! Anyone who sees it as anything sexual must have a few ishooooz in my camp. Grin

LtEveDallas · 17/04/2014 08:17

I agree with Sirzy. You don't like it OP, but your child is not you. You are pushing sexualised behaviour onto an innocent act. Giving someone a kiss, whether on the lips or not is a sign of affection and love, not romance.

What are you going to do if your child starts trying to kiss you on the lips? Are you going to stop her and risk her feeling disconnected to you? That's how DD sees her Nana - she thinks she doesn't love her as much as her other Nana, and that's really sad.

I also think that posters like EggsFlorantine imposing their feelings on others (stopping her DP from doing it using sexual innuendo) is way beyond normal.

Martorana · 17/04/2014 08:21

I'm not a lip kisser. But I know loads of people that are. And there is no way you can tell your PIL not to do it which will not upset them- and it is honestly not worth the risk.

Beastofburden · 17/04/2014 08:21

It's a thing. Sme ppl see nothing wrong in it Fr others, it is for sexual partners only and looks strange with kids- not creepy, just a bit strange.

You and I are in the second camp. Your PIL are in the first camp. Let them do it. There will be lots of things where you parent differently. Pick your battles.

Martorana · 17/04/2014 08:25

What's th difference between "creepy" and "strange"?

Pimpf · 17/04/2014 08:28

I know it's hard but try not to let it wind you up. It really won't be long before she's able to express her dislike and let them know herself

BadgersNadgers · 17/04/2014 08:36

YABU. Your in-laws aren't doing anything wrong, they just have different more healthy views about showing affection to a small child. How anyone could think this is wrong is beyond me.

Original poster
Balistapus · 17/04/2014 08:38

"It is your daughters ultimate choice if she wants to be kissed on the lips or not not yours." - Exactly, and until she's old enough to decide which side of the line she thinks that behaviour belongs, no-one is going to do it to her.

" Giving someone a kiss, whether on the lips or not is a sign of affection and love, not romance." - In your opinion. I disagree and believe that lip kissing is romantic.

For the last time, I 'm not asking which side of the line your opinion is on, I was asking how do you broach an issue where you're on opposite sides of the line.

OP posts:
thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 08:38

It's up to you.

If your feelings about this are so strong and you am day something you will probably cause a load of upset and trouble up people you call 'kind and decent'. If you were my dil I would obviously assume you were accusing me or dh of being sexually inns propitiate to our grandchild and I would be both extremely my angry and upset.

I suspect this is your pfb? If so you must relax as to
If you are mortified by this you are in for lots of shocks ahead.

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 08:40

Exactly, and until she's old enough to decide which side of the line she thinks that behaviour belongs, no-one is going to do it to her.

why shouldn't they? Why should you impose your rather strange views and make other adults feel uncomfortable doing what is normal to them?

What reasoning exactly are you going to give the childs grandparents not to be affectionate towards their grandaughter?

IF SHE doesn't like it she will soon make that clear, but she may actually enjoy that form of affection from loved ones and its not your decision to impose upon others. If you stop others doing it now they will simply feel uncomfy doing it if she later decides she does want to give loved ones a kiss.

HaymitchAbarnathy · 17/04/2014 08:42

Lip kissing clearly isn't just romantic for lots of people though is it? Unless you think your PIL have a romantic interest in your child?!
I kiss both my sons on the lips, and my mum and my dad too when he was alive. It's just affectionate not romantic. My sons kiss each other on the lips too. It's just not weird to us, and many other people.

HaymitchAbarnathy · 17/04/2014 08:45

And by romantic you really mean sexual don't you?

tripecity · 17/04/2014 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 08:51

Er don't broach it!

You will cause immense offence.

You are trying to micromanage people who are related to you dd.

You shouldn't say anything because it will cause huge hurt.

You could damage your relationship for ever with you inlaws and you will need favours /support off them for years remember.

I think people aren't telling you how to broach this as they are thinking you would he mad to do it in the first place.

cariadmawr · 17/04/2014 08:51

I'm with you op only person who I kiss on mouth is Dh and def not dss we always had that rule I didn't care who it offended its how it was .

Nobody kissed me or my siblings on the mouth when we were kids .

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 08:53

badgeres what a beautiful photo.

natwebb79 · 17/04/2014 08:58

I echo what other posters have said. The answer to 'how shall I broach it?' is 'don't'. There really is no way of saying without an undertone of 'I think you're freaky sexual predators'.