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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:

slithytove · 17/04/2014 00:25

No one should ever do anything physical to a child they don't like excluding changing nappies which DS seems to hate and from that perspective you will not see a disagreement from me.

However I think you would be hard pushed to convince PIL that an 8 month old actively doesn't like a lip kiss. With that in mind, the reason will have to be you until DD is old enough to say no thank you.

I however think it's perfectly reasonable to speak to another adult about something you don't like and ask them to stop (when it comes to parenting your child) and have that wish respected, regardless of what it is.

dunsborough · 17/04/2014 00:25

Calm down fortysomething and consider what you are saying - that the OP should be FORCED to do something that feels wrong to her? No. Just no.

We are all different and need to respect other's boundaries.

squoosh · 17/04/2014 00:27

Comparing a show of affection to a violent act? Cuckoo.

MoominsAreScary · 17/04/2014 00:28

Im with squoosh, and the baby probably looked surprised because noone has ever kissed her on the lips before

defineme · 17/04/2014 00:29

I thought you were going to say they smoked or had cold sores or colds.

I'm not the most demonstrative of people, I don't particularly kiss my mates hello or even my dh that often.

However, unless there are seriously mitigating circumstances ie loads of other reasons why pil are awful, then I think you'e lacking serious perspective-if this is something you feel really seriously about, then what will happen when something actually bad happens?

It would be a blessed miracle if pil parented the way their dil did, but if they're loving and engaged then cut them some slack-what's 5 cm to a kiss on the face? Unless you're honestly (really think about this) think there's romantic intent to every kiss on the lips.

Implying kisses are forced on kids is not the point and quite vile.
I would never have forced my kids to kiss anyone.
They willingly and enthusiastically give and receive kisses from relatives and the odd friend-I pay no attention to the bit of the face they get it on.. I'm pleased they're not as uptight and awkward as me.

slithytove · 17/04/2014 00:30

In fairness duns the OP is only being forced to watch something she is uncomfortable with. And while she makes decisions for DD she is within her rights to prevent it happening.

I would hope however that if DD ever tried to kiss on the mouth (because kids have bad aim/see their parents do it/any reason really) that OP would not try to stop her and would rise above her own discomfort.

JohnCusacksWife · 17/04/2014 00:31

my DD seemed startled by it as no-one has kissed her on the mouth before.

Are you saying you never kiss your child on the lips? Sorry, but that's weird in my book....

Batmam · 17/04/2014 00:33

FFS op wasn't asking if it was ok to kiss children on the lips, she was asking how she should bring the subject up with them.

I have the same problem, PIL kiss dd on the lips and I just DON'T like it. It might be different if you've grown up kissing family on the lips but I haven't and that doesn't make me or op weird.

dunsborough · 17/04/2014 00:34

Completely agree with you Slithy

slithytove · 17/04/2014 00:35

LettertoHermioneGranger · 17/04/2014 00:36

YABU. And weird. Comparing kissing a baby on the lips with smacking? One causes harm and pain. One doesn't.

I'm not keen on kissing relatives on the lips, my family never did when we were school-age and I don't like when adult relatives kiss. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, just not my cup of tea.

But you're talking about a baby. They're not embarrassed or worried about germs. It's just affection. I've never seen a baby unhappy for a relative to kiss them, usually it's guaranteed giggles and happiness. Especially as they start to figure out to give kisses back, they usually work really hard at it and their efforts are sweet and lovely.

JohnCusacksWife · 17/04/2014 00:38

Well I think for a parent to think there's something wrong with kissing their own child on the lips, as the OP inferred when she said her DD has never been kissed on the lips, IS weird. And a bit sad.

raffle · 17/04/2014 00:43

So are you asking how to deal with PIL kissing the baby?
You could always say the baby has terrible cold sores which you would hate for them to catch?....or you could be thankful they love your baby so much that they want to kiss them all over?
Seems a bit of a storm in a Tea cup to me :)

Gullygirl · 17/04/2014 00:49

Yuck if he is a smoker, or has had a drink,otherwise,I couldn't get worked up about it.

Gullygirl · 17/04/2014 00:49

Yuck if he is a smoker, or has had a drink,otherwise,I couldn't get worked up about it.

feathermucker · 17/04/2014 03:11

Why don't you like it, really why - genuine question

I kiss my 7yo son on the mouth, never felt remotely uncomfortable.

I guess it's about personal preferences, but they're her grandparents. Hardly strangers and, to be fair, at 8 months old, she's likely to be startled by lots of things.

Chottie · 17/04/2014 05:19

I'm in the yuck camp too, it just seems so wrong to me too......

Whatdoiknowanyway · 17/04/2014 05:54

Yuck here too.
I never liked it when it was done to me as a child but couldn't say no as that would have offended the adult doing it. Even as a small child you pick up on that sort of sensitivity.
In my case the mouth kisses developed into something more inappropriate but I couldn't say anything because of all the 'nothing wrong with it' atmosphere I was surrounded with.
By all means kiss your child on the lips if you want to but don't expect me to like it and if you try it with my child I will politely ask you not to do it.

PickledEggMobile · 17/04/2014 06:14

My 12 month old lunges at you with her mouth wide open when you ask for kisses.

When she doesn't want to give you one she will shake her head or push you away. I think that's fairly clear.

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 06:25

I really can't see why it's an issue. You say your concerns are about it being sexual but what else would it be?

If he was pinning her down against her wishes and forcing a kiss upon her then fair enough. But he isn't. He is giving his hrs daughter who he loves a kiss - hardly crime of the century.

We have always kissed on lips, can't see why you wouldn't, if DS doesn't want a kiss he makes it obvious or he may offer his hand/head/cheek to kiss instead which is fine. But that's his choice not someone else's.

To compare it to smacking is frankly ridiculous and removes any slight bit of credibility your argument had

MrsBungle · 17/04/2014 06:35

I think it's very sad that a parent thinks there's something 'wrong' with kissing their children on the lips. I wouldn't say anything to the grandparents, they are showing affection to your child which is lovely. To imply there's something 'wrong' with this is weird and sad to me.

LST · 17/04/2014 06:41

Christ on a bike. My 2.5yo DS kisses everyone and everything on the lips. Tge hv got a peck when she came round to see DS2 when he was born.

YABU. There is absolutely nothing wrong

LtEveDallas · 17/04/2014 06:44

DD is 9, she has always kissed everyone on the lips.
I'm 42. I still kiss my 86 year old dad on the lips.

My MIL is wonderful and I love her but DD won't kiss her goodbye any more - she used to pull away when DD went to kiss her or turn her head. DD picked up on this and now doesn't even try. Nana gets a hug, Diada gets a kiss (and MIL feels hurt by this). We only see her twice a year, it's a shame but she bought it on herself.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/04/2014 06:52

Kissing on lips isn't harmful
Smacking is harmful
= not a good analogy.
I love kissing my DS on the lips! I don't expect anyone else to though. Yanbu if you don't like it, you need to have a quiet word. Don't tell them you think it's weird or dodgy though.

hotcrosshunny · 17/04/2014 06:59

Do you think it makes you fil a paedo?

It is a bit silly. However if it bothers you then wait til she has a streaming cold and see if they try then.

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