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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
goofygoober · 16/04/2014 23:58

I always give pouty mouth kisses to my DCs. No doubt they will let me know when they don't want to. Youngest DS offers his cheek if he doesn't want a pouty kiss. That said, a male relative always tries to kiss me on the mouth, I am an expert dodger. Wrong!

FanFuckingTasticChocolateBalls · 16/04/2014 23:58

Don't see the issue, it's a sign of affection in our family. So is blowing raspberries on their bellies. And mussing their hair. Would find it odd if anyone commented on it being weird.

Caoilainn · 17/04/2014 00:00

UABU and probably PFB.
You say pil, do your parents kis differently then?

Original poster
Balistapus · 17/04/2014 00:00

Maybe I haven't made myself clear. I'm not asking whether kissing children on the mouth is right or wrong. Some people think it 's ok, others - including me - think it's not ok.

Let's say I thought smacking children was wrong but my PIL didn't and I saw my PIL smack my child. What would you do?

OP posts:
Martorana · 17/04/2014 00:00

"I'd also be intrigued to know from the posters who still kiss their older boys on the mouth if their fathers also kiss them on the mouth? If not, why not?"

Now this question is a bit creepy and unpleasant. .

If you have concerns about your PIL making sexual advances towards your children then do something about it now. If no, then just accept that different families do things differently.

slithytove · 17/04/2014 00:00

Not just the lips by the way. Everywhere. Cheeks, chin, button nose, forehead, squidgy tummy and his cute little baby bum! I assume most of that won't carry on much past babyhood.

I would wonder how you would react if DD when she is older went to kiss people on the mouth? I would hope you wouldn't tell her it was wrong.

dunsborough · 17/04/2014 00:01

Yanbu. I had to tell my inlaws that I did not want them to do it.

For them it was a cultural thing, but like you, it made me very uncomfortable.
I explained that it was not something I considered to be ok and asked them to stick to the cheek.
They weren't happy, but...
I was spurred on by the fact FIL gets coldsores and when DD2 was born MIL came to the hospital with a cold and was all over her.
They aren't worried about spreading germs at all and would have continued to visit and kiss on the lips despite illness.

missknows · 17/04/2014 00:03

It's a yuck from me too. The general consensus seems to be that most adults on here hated as a kid too. The cheek is fine!

Martorana · 17/04/2014 00:03

"Yanbu. I had to tell my inlaws that I did not want them to do it."

You didn't have to tell them at all. You could have accepted, as I said that different families do things differently.

dunsborough · 17/04/2014 00:03

Also to the posters turning it into a sexual thing... It's not. At least not for me.
It just makes me uncomfortable.

slithytove · 17/04/2014 00:03

balista not a good example I'm afraid substituting kissing for smacking!

But assuming something totally innocuous which is just a difference of opinion, I would say that you need to figure out if it bothers you enough to say anything, and if so, have a gentle, short convo highlighting that you don't like lip kissing and can they please keep it to the cheek. Don't insinuate anything by it.

They will likely think you are mad, but if you have a good relationship will hopefully respect your wishes.

PavlovtheCat · 17/04/2014 00:04

I lip kissed my children as babies, and young children. DD prefers to kiss on the cheek as she has grown older, and as such that's now I kiss her. It evolved, there was no sudden 'decision', it's how she prefers to kiss me and me her, no biggie (she is 7). DS still kisses me on the lips, but also kisses me on the cheek sometimes and I expect that soon enough he will prefer cheek kisses. If that's what he prefers, that's fine, if either of them want to kiss me on the lips at any time they can always do so. It's not an issue either way. I kissed my mum on the lips as an adult and my older siblings on the lips until I became a teenager and I stopped, but that was largely due to me not feeling close to them as there was a big age gap. There was no dad around to kiss.

There is a very big difference between peck on the lips between loving family members and a romantic kiss on the lips or a full kiss with your partner. They are Very Different types of kiss.

Sometimes, i even kiss my best friend on the lips. a peck, usually out of excitement if either of us has done something amazing or had some amazing news, spontaneous lip kiss.

Strange that people don't get it and mix the two emotions together when it comes to children.

missknows · 17/04/2014 00:04

Missed an it out.

Martorana · 17/04/2014 00:05

"have a gentle, short convo highlighting that you don't like lip kissing and can they please keep it to the cheek. Don't insinuate anything by it."

Good luck with that. What are you going to say when they ask what's wrong with it?

dunsborough · 17/04/2014 00:05

I could have what Martorana? Tolerated something I consider to be uncomfortable with and not in the best interests of my child? (Please see the rest of my post for reasons why).

Um no.

squoosh · 17/04/2014 00:06

'I'm not asking whether kissing children on the mouth is right or wrong. Some people think it 's ok, others - including me - think it's not ok.'

If you state, as you did in your opening post, that you think it's 'wrong' you have to accept that people who don't think it's 'wrong' will weigh in with their opinion.

That's how it works.

slithytove · 17/04/2014 00:06

Are you asking me mart?
Because I'm all for a good lip kiss. I just gave OP my thoughts on how to handle any situation which you want to change.

She doesn't need to say its wrong, just that she doesn't like it. We all parent differently.

FanjolinaJolie · 17/04/2014 00:08

Yuck from me too.

I would be worried about cold sores which can be transmitted even when no sore present

MoominsAreScary · 17/04/2014 00:08

My 19 year old still kisses me on the lips sometimes. I prefer cheek kisses once they are older but if he occasionally wants to give me a kiss on the lips im not going to stop him!

slithytove · 17/04/2014 00:09

I hope my parents don't mind me lip kissing them!

dunsborough · 17/04/2014 00:11

Martorana I assume you are a lip kisser.
I am not.
I do not want my children to have it forced on them by (at times) unwell people.
That is ok. We are all different. But you can't force people to like something that feels wrong to them, you just can't.

The inlaws and I have moved on from this now by the way. I think they have just put it down to my 'funny ways'.

slithytove · 17/04/2014 00:18

Duns I know you weren't posting to me and I'm not sure of your opinion, but I just wanted to clarify that as a lip kisser myself I would never force physical contact on my kids that they didn't want. I'm sure other lip kissers (collective noun anyone?) are the same.

(Taking into account of course that a baby can't say what they want, but in that case you could apply this to all kissing, hugging, raspberries etc.)

Original poster
Balistapus · 17/04/2014 00:20

slithy, if you weren't a lip kisser I think you' d find my smacking analogy quite a good one! :-) Non-lip kissers really do find it uncomfortable to see children kissed on the lips.

Oh, and I second what someone said about it not being a sexual thing from the kisser. It's about doing something to a child that they don't like. For the record my DD seemed startled by it as no-one has kissed her on the mouth before.

OP posts:
Fortysomethingwinelover · 17/04/2014 00:20

YABU!!! How would you have felt if MIL or another female relative was to kiss your child on the lips? Would you think they were gay? Fuck sake, get a grip. Why would you even consider broaching the subject of them kissing your child? You sound like the daughter in law from hell. What other aspect of a grandparents relationship with your child are you going to try to control I wonder? You'd be as well screaming 'paedo' from the rooftops now if your uncomfortable with the way they kiss her.

NurseyWursey · 17/04/2014 00:24

How on earth can you compare this to smacking. YABVU

If you can't kiss your own child on the lips there's a problem. The fact the child doesn't like being kissed on the lips is because you as the parent have inferred that there's something wrong with it. YOU are the one making them feel it is wrong.