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Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 18/04/2014 16:49

I'm such a coward. After my last post I'm wondering whether to hide the thread, because I'm probably going to get flamed.

Sirzy · 18/04/2014 16:51

Oh and I don't for a minute have a problem with people who choose not to kiss their children on the lips (unless their child wants it and they refuse). I just have a problem with people who are trying to dictate how others act when it is a perfectly innocent act

Rollergirl1 · 18/04/2014 16:51

Almond: I am truly amazed that so many people profess to have not seen people kissing their children on the mouths before.

And in this instance the people doing the kissing are family and are not aware that they are doing anything to cause such disgust. Why on earth are they being presumptuous, given that they are the parents of the child's father and presumably kissed him on the mouth when he was a child also?

Gruntfuttock · 18/04/2014 16:52

"To suggest people don't see normal day to day kisses amongst family is frankly as bizzare as suggesting its a sexual act"

The normal day-to-day kisses I've seen have always on the cheek. I'm not the only one who didn't know so many people kissed family members on the lips. Several others have said the same. We're not lying.

squoosh · 18/04/2014 16:52

No need to hide the thread Gruntfuttock, you sound more than reasonable and I understand what you're saying.

almondcakes · 18/04/2014 16:55

Sirzy, my kids are teens. I am looking at it from the perspective of how I want to treat the children of other people, and I try to follow the parents' wishes.

There is not one common belief that kissing kids on the mouth is fine. There is a commom belief that grandparents hug grandchildren.

The same is true for lots of issues. Some are generally agreed among almost everyone and some we follow the example set by the parents.

Gruntfuttock · 18/04/2014 17:00

I have to say, I only had one child, who is now 23 and I haven't spent a huge amount of time outside nurseries and schools noticing how children are kissed, hence my ignorance on the matter.

Also, thank you squoosh.

shakethetree · 18/04/2014 17:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable actually - I associate mouth to mouth kissing as sexual, ( I know I may be in the minority on that )
are you sure it wasn't just a slip of the tongue ( pardon the pun ) does he always kiss his relatives on the lips? ( very odd if he does ) - maybe he went for her cheek but she moved?

I really do understand, just not sure how you deal with it? although I'm sure I'd find a way.

almondcakes · 18/04/2014 17:02

Rollergirl, and that is the cause of most grandparent vs parents arguments! You brought your own kids up in x way and you presume your children will follow suit.

But people don't. They have their own ideas. My DB is about to have a baby and has some very firm ideas about how his child will be raised. It seems pie in the sky to me, but I will respect him and his wife as a family. That is what most people do.

Booboostoo · 18/04/2014 17:02

I'm one of the pesky Europeans and our DD kisses both DP and me on the lips as well as all her French nursery workers on the lips. We have yet to be arrested.

The cultural point is also irrelevant. In some cultures people don't kiss at all, that doesn't make other people giving their family and friends pecks on the cheek sexual assault.

Elfrieda · 18/04/2014 17:05

I can't see why a fil or whoever would object to being told that isn't what the family does.

But FIL is family - not to the OP, granted, but he is the child's grandfather. And, in any case, aren't we talking about Parents in Law not just FIL? Maybe kissing babies on the lips is normal in their family.

This so feels like the paternal grandparents being made to feel slightly removed and excluded.
And that is something that I feel often happens, judging from the posts that I read on MN.

almondcakes · 18/04/2014 17:13

I think the OP doesn't want anyone to do it. She is not inventing it just for mil and pil. I don't think extended family are family in the same way, and I wpuld try to do what the parents wanted.

TulipOHare · 18/04/2014 18:02

It's about the way the OP feels about the act

Why, though? Why should OP's irrational squeamishness about something completely harmless dictate the behaviour of three people who aren't the OP?

Such a weird thread.

chocoholic05 · 18/04/2014 18:10

And didn't I read somewhere upthread that the op compared kissing with smacking. As a mother who had to intervene last year when I saw my then seven year old ds being smacked by my fil, I find that offensive. Also my boys kiss me on the lips all the time are they really committing sexual acts? The mind boggles! :o

chocoholic05 · 18/04/2014 18:11

That was meant to be a Shock

Martorana · 18/04/2014 18:18

"I don't think extended family are family in the same way"

This is getting weirder and weirder- in what way are extended family "family" then?

almondcakes · 18/04/2014 18:28

They are extended family; that is how they are family.

They are not the people who decide if a child eats meat, if a child can watch a 12 film, if a child can wear nail varnish at 5, if a child can run around naked on a beach.

These are all issues that different people have strong feelings on, regarding whether or not it is right for their children. The parents decide.

Bowlersarm · 18/04/2014 18:36

What almondcakes? So if grandparents are looking after there Dgd for the weekend they can't take take her to the beach and let her play on the sand naked, or dab a bit of nail varnish on her nails because granny is? This thread is getting crazier by the minute.

slithytove · 18/04/2014 18:42

The parents should decide to an extent. But when a child asks to eat meat, or tries to kiss someone on the lips, or other such innocuous examples - there is no good reason not to let them make up their own minds.

I would be shocked if someone told their child that kissing on the lips was sexual and wrong - purely because clearly many many people do it which would be setting that child up for potential problems and misunderstandings.

Sirzy · 18/04/2014 18:42

Well actually only the child should decide if they eat meat or not in the same way they should decide who kisses them.

Martorana · 18/04/2014 18:47

"What almondcakes? So if grandparents are looking after there Dgd for the weekend they can't take take her to the beach and let her play on the sand naked, or dab a bit of nail varnish on her nails because granny is?"

I suspect th answer is probably no they can't if they are paternal grqndparents.

Naked on the beach is probably considered "committing a sex act on them"

almondcakes · 18/04/2014 18:55

I let my young children paint their nails, run around on a beach naked and eat meat. I wouldn't do the same witha niece or nephew if I knew the parents didn"t agree. I think that approach is pretty normal and not at all crazy.

thebodydoestricks · 18/04/2014 18:56

Op compared it to smacking, sexual acts and bacin sandwiches, inexplicably,

Give up normal people.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/04/2014 19:00

OP call the police, your father in law is clearly a paedophile, enjoying inflicting sexual acts on his granddaughter. Hmm

slithytove · 18/04/2014 19:03

I think some people are so arrogant when it comes to parenting. A child is not an extension of ourselves. They are individuals who very quickly make their own choices, guided by us.

Yes, we make all the choices for a newborn, hopefully informed ones, but when a 12 month old wants to kiss someone (wherever) - why not let them? It would certainly be bad to indicate it was wrong in anyway.

If a three year old has been raised veggie according to their parents beliefs and wants to try a ham sandwich, why not? Or vice versa if a child wants to give up meat, why not. They need some choice and decision making in their lives regardless of age.

Surely being an in law and parent means we pick our battles. Perhaps for the OP, kissing on the lips is a big enough deal to risk the fall out. It wouldn't be for me. Nor would a bit of nail varnish, bag of chocolate buttons, or many other issues that other people apparently have very strong feelings on. If the child isn't being damaged in anyway, then where is the harm?

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